25 year marriage with undiagnosed (I think) bpd wife dissolving

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't even know where to begin.  I'm 43 and have become co-dependent. We've have been separated for 2 months. We have 2 boys, 15 and 17. Our 17 year old may also have a form of BPD as he had to be hospitalized do to self harm last May. We are all afraid to upset and go against the wife's wishes. She can twist anything you say, good or bad, and use it against you. She engages in verbal and physical abuse.  A week after she signed the lease for her new apartment she told me to sell the house and move in with her. I was stunned.  As a man this shattered my self image and confidence.  This will be the 4th and final time she has left in this manner in the past 12years. I can't live this way anymore.

I have zero confidence and question everything about myself as a father and husband.  I am starting to believe I need to see a therapist to help undo all the psychological damage that I've accepted from her and the self talk I have engaged in. I could really use a friend to help me work through this.  I have been told I'm an emotionless robot that has zero friends. She has told me I'm autistic and must be on the spectrum.  I used to be a happy, funny, hard working man. I now feel like an empty shell and question who I am.  Please help! 

[Bri of Ohi]

I don't even know where to begin.  I'm 43 and have become co-dependent. We've have been separated for 2 months. We have 2 boys, 15 and 17. Our 17 year old may also have a form of BPD as he had to be hospitalized do to self harm last May. We are all afraid to upset and go against the wife's wishes. She can twist anything you say, good or bad, and use it against you. She engages in verbal and physical abuse.  A week after she signed the lease for her new apartment she told me to sell the house and move in with her. I was stunned.  As a man this shattered my self image and confidence.  This will be the 4th and final time she has left in this manner in the past 12years. I can't live this way anymore.

I have zero confidence and question everything about myself as a father and husband.  I am starting to believe I need to see a therapist to help undo all the psychological damage that I've accepted from her and the self talk I have engaged in. I could really use a friend to help me work through this.  I have been told I'm an emotionless robot that has zero friends. She has told me I'm autistic and must be on the spectrum.  I used to be a happy, funny, hard working man. I now feel like an empty shell and question who I am.  Please help! 

[Rex31807]

Same here. Wife never left but she would repeatedly tell me to leave and then want me to come back.  She was violent, said the most hateful things and her anger lasted.fore days. The last time she punched me repeatedly and.that was 2 weeks ago. I had to leave or fear going to jail. We have gone through this vicious cycle 6 times. It is hell. I am in a safe and quiet place now. 

I felt numb and like a shell of myself. 

[Sluggo]

Bri,

'The shell of an empty man"

That was me also 6+ years ago.  Married 18 years, with Bpd diagnosised wife.  I called it a death of a 1000 cuts.  I was empty.  I was depressed.  My childhood friends whom I had let go of in my marriage told me I had changed.

After divorce through
1.  Seeing a therapist
2.  Reading about codependency and emotional caretaking both self help and novels
3.  Reconnecting with childhood friends
4.  Exercising
5.  Posting on this board

I started to fill that shell back up with 'me'.  The me that drained away with each cut.  I started laughing again.  I started to look people in the eye again.  I started to heal. 

It is so hard to live as an empty shell...  my life is much better place now. 

Sluggo

[Bri of Ohi]

Thanks Rex for responding.  Sorry to hear you too have had to endure the treatment.  It's so hard to live and be treated like this with someone you love/have loved. I feel so broken and unlovable.  

[Bri of Ohi]

Thanks for responding Sluggo.  I don't even know how I ended up like this. I can relate to the thousand cuts comparison.  Did you feel unlovable and compelled to go back to your wife after you separated?  It's like I want to see if the girl I fell in love is back at home in her body.

[Rex31807]

Thanks Slugo. . That is refreshing. With each passing day it is getting better. I make myself exercise and do normal things even though I feel like self isolating. I am depressed but I can feel it getting better. It will take time.

I have found a lot of useful videos on YouTube about it and listen to those while I exercise on a treadmill.

I had a counselor tell me years ago that the relationship would kill me.

[Bri of Ohi]

Do I miss her or is it a head game? I am not doing well this weekend.  She flew to Miami with my ex sister in law (weird right) and I'm home parenting.

[Rex31807]

You likely don’t like to be alone. It’s hard. Instead of focusing on her focus on you. I decided to go to Church this morning. Then I plan on going to the YMCA to exercise and then get the room in order at the house where I am currently staying. It’s hard for me too because I feel like I am living outside of Gods will so I am going to pray and seek guidance.

I have faith in the Lord and he will show me the way and direct my path.

[Bri of Ohi]

I went to church as well.  The past few weeks have been about the marriage and family arrangement.  I feel compelled to do everything to keep my family from breaking apart.

[Rex31807]

Focus on what made you stay in the relationship. Does being in a relationship define your self with? For me it played into it.  Based on my upbringing we were all married and problems were kept behind closed doors. BOD negated the possibility for there to be a secret when it was so chaotic.

Focus on you. Find one thing you enjoy to do and do it regularly.  Then add things to it. Stay in a routine no matter how hard it may be. Push through and you will feel better. It’s a slow process and it’s not easy but it can be done.

I will pray for you.

[Sluggo]

Yes I struggled at not going back, cried, considered the what ifs...  however my rock bottom was what kept me from returning.  The false hope was the hardest to shake and rid myself of...  hanging onto the false hope things would improve. 

feel compelled to do everything to keep my family from breaking apart

As one of my mentors on this board (Forever Dad) shared with me...  much better for my kids to come from a broken home than to live in a broken home.

That has proved to be true for me. 

Sluggo

[Rex31807]

Sluggo is spot on. False hope kept me in it more than anything.  I kept thinking things would change. They never did change. Its been 25? I spent 13. Cash it in and go all out on making you better. Start slow and build it up. It will get better. There will be mountains.to climb but the view on top.is amazing my friend.

[Bri of Ohi]

Thanks guys.  I'm going to keep pressing forward.  I'm going to push my thoughts into a positive direction.

[Rex31807]

You doing ok bri? Im hanging in there. We can get through this buddy.

[Rex31807]

I want to go see her so bad right now and just hug her. Its hard. Deep down i know it wont be different. I have false hope like our mentor and sage Sluggo said. Lets persevere and power through this. We can talk sometime too. I need a friend.

[Rex31807]

You doing ok bri?  Im here for.you my friend.

[Bri of Ohi]

Hey Rex. Yeah I'm doing ok.  I had to take a break from these thoughts and channel my energy in a different direction. I came across some motivational videos about breakups. I'm coming to the conclusion that the woman I married is gone. I made her out to be one way IN MY MIND, but in reality that girl doesn't exist. While I'm worried for her because I think the medication she is on is messing with her and she drinks with it... Also there are signs I'm seeing thar are telling me she is seeing someone. New perfume,  revealing clothing,  random picture in the night that didn't match up with whom she said it was meant for etc. Her memory seems to be screwy too. Like she forgot I had a truck. We're supposed to talk Friday night. I'm bracing for the worst. 
How are you doing Rex? How far are you from Ohio if you don't mind me asking?

[Rex31807]

Im in Georgia. I feel your pain. It was different for me so far. She has been hateful. I took care of everything and it was never enough. The last few times she made an attempt to recycle the relationship but we have done that so many times. We would sit at dinner and she would start lashing out. It was embarassing. I

Ill send you a private message with contact info. If you feel.like a road trip maybe that wouldnt be the worst thing. If you lime golf or fishing im always game for that. For the first time i keep both in the truck. Just in case.

We will enjoy life again soon.

[CrushedinOntario]

36 year relationship here that recently went up in smoke (for the 2nd time, and likely the last).  My story is similar to everything in this thread.  More detailed story is available on the Stay or Go section of the board.

I feel all of your pain.  I have it too.  This time we separated 6 months ago, 5 in the same house, when there was zero improvement we agreed I should move out April 1st.  It's been a long month.

I've definitely been devalued and discarded once again.  I too feel like a shell of the man I was 20, 30 years ago.  In particular I've been gradually feeling myself going downhill the past 5 years.

It was good to read Sluggo's account that shows there is light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe it isn't a freight train this time.

[Rex31807]

It will be ok. Ive been bummed most of the day but tomorrow will be fresh and the chains will be broken. I will feel free. Redeemed. I am ramping up for a road trip.

[Rex31807]

You there Bri?  Havent heard from you lately. Just checking in to make sure you are ok.

[Bri of Ohi]

Hey Rex. yeah I'm still here.  Been extremely busy picking up the pieces of myself, getting the house ready for sale,  working 2 jobs (drove 1500 miles this week), getting a car ready for my 17yr old son,, and also being there for my boys as they need me. Question,  I was wondering how many of us attached to someone with BPD have a strong work ethic? Like quiting is not in my vocabulary.  I'm not afraid to fail. 
I'm also getting ready for a trip to Florida Ironically.  But my sister will be going with me. got to pick her up in NC.

[Bri of Ohi]

CrushedinPtbo. Thanks for sharing.  you're a good man doing 36yrs!
Two things I stumbled across this Wednesday that are helping me:
1 the the woman I fell in love with no longer exists in real life.  She only exists in my mind. coming to that conclusion is giving me strength to spring forward. 
2 stumbled across motivational speeches on YouTube.  let's face it, our self esteem is crap. our minds have been twisted and beatin down . we need someone who believes in us because we can't right now. read and watch stories of people who have overcome much so you can overcome this trial. I am slowly becoming my own hero. 
Started running Thursday  at 5am. It's making a huge difference!

[CrushedinOntario]

CrushedinPtbo. Thanks for sharing.  you're a good man doing 36yrs!
Two things I stumbled across this Wednesday that are helping me:
1 the the woman I fell in love with no longer exists in real life.  She only exists in my mind. coming to that conclusion is giving me strength to spring forward.  
2 stumbled across motivational speeches on YouTube.  let's face it, our self esteem is crap. our minds have been twisted and beatin down . we need someone who believes in us because we can't right now. read and watch stories of people who have overcome much so you can overcome this trial. I am slowly becoming my own hero.  
Started running Thursday  at 5am. It's making a huge difference!

Thanks Bri.  Appreciate you sharing what's working.

Yes, false hope is what also convinced me to stay this long, and is likely behind my reluctance to let go completely.  But I've also been working on accepting that the wife I'm holding onto more or less died back in 2008.  And if I'm honest with myself, there were tons of red flags even before she cycled into mania around 2003.  I've lived with some form of this off and on our entire life.  So thanks for letting me know to keep working on letting go of something that only exists in my mind at this point.  

The 36 years likely was due to it being from what I'm reading a milder version on the spectrum, and the fact that there were lengthy periods where it wasn't really apparent.  It was either being handled internally better, or was simply in some kind of remission.  There's no way I'd have made it this long if I was dealing with it every day for the past 36 years.

I am also walking at least once a day, 1/2 hour, 1+ mile.  Sometimes twice.

Definitely starting to feel a little less run down, I guess the stress of always being around it was also taking a toll.

My golf season was to start two weeks ago but unfortunately our government decided to go "stay at home" and included no golf.  Can't wait for that to be lifted in a couple of weeks because I know that will be a big help for me over the next 6 months.

I'll take your advice and look for some motivational videos to add to the mix.

[Rex31807]

I took a major first step and called an attorney. I didnt want to do this but its not going to change. It has not changed and it never will. I am hurting but it feels like one more weight lifted.  I hate this. I wanted this marriage to work.

I wasnt codependent at the beginning but the more this relationship continued the more I changed and began to accept behavior i wouldnt have early on. Being punched is not something i would have accepted on a first date. I would have never called her again. So why should i accept it now and why did i allow it to continue?  I allowed this to happen. It was thre false hope that if i do x then she will be happy. Louis Vuitton purses, trips, nothing made her happy. I always.had to plan and take care of everything. Then there was the constant criticism.

I am starting to look forward to putting this behind me. I am weary of being stuck in this misery.

[Rex31807]

Crushedinontar,

I played 18 yesterday and it was nice. I am looking forward to the next round. I had 4 really good holes. Now that i have some time i may have a decent game at some point. 

[Tessarae]

Hello-

It appears I might be the only “wife’  on this thread. Role and gender likely matter little in this experience.

I am at the precipice of ending a 20 year marriage. My husband has never been diagnosed. Nor is it likely he ever will. Whatever this is… Whatever I have experienced… I really only have myself in my inner circle to validate that – this is just not within the bell shaped curve of ‘normal’. I have a Dr Jekyll with whom I am still in love. I have a Mr. Hyde who is finally burned down the house. If you all met my husband, he would believe he was a stable, thoughtful, charming, caring spouse. Not even any of the five couple therapists we’ve seen across the years ever communicated that will might have a severe reactivity that would cost the marriage if he did not get help to address it. The wife the Therapist saw was emotional, angry, ‘lawerlike’ (if I attempted to bring an evidence of the gaslighting). ,Is it not indeed crazy making?

I just wanted to chime in to add my support and just say how positive  it is see see men who are reaching out to others in really leaning into this painful process.

I think what I have me most reading this was Bri’s comment that the woman he loves is a woman who lives only in his imagination. That really resonated. While  I do believe that the man I love is ‘in there’ and as such exists, what I’m having such a terribly difficult time letting go of – the possibility of a  stable, intimate, soulful bond where my heart is safe- does not. I must grieve and say goodbye to my Dr Jekyll of my imagination in order to escape Mr. Hyde. And escape I must do to  have any hope of peace and happiness in the next decade.

[Sluggo]

I think what I have me most reading this was Bri’s comment that the woman he loves is a woman who lives only in his imagination

Tessare,

Yes, that was / is so true for me.   As I slowly accepted and realized that, the easier it has become to emotionally detached from the relationship even though I had already left the relationship (moved out, divorced). 

Sluggo

[Red22]

...
I think what I have me most reading this was Bri’s comment that the woman he loves is a woman who lives only in his imagination. That really resonated. While  I do believe that the man I love is ‘in there’ and as such exists, what I’m having such a terribly difficult time letting go of – the possibility of a  stable, intimate, soulful bond where my heart is safe- does not. I must grieve and say goodbye to my Dr Jekyll of my imagination in order to escape Mr. Hyde. And escape I must do to  have any hope of peace and happiness in the next decade.

Hello, all.
Through this forum I'm finally discovering what's behind my 15 years of marital strife, described in part elsewhere here, and agree with the above.
My wife's not gone, she's still in there, but I never know from day to day which will be a nightmare and which won't. There is no safe space, no time off, and it's not about if, but when it will continue.
.
I appreciate the openness of so many in writing here; it's opening my eyes and giving a new way forward.