How do you cope with not being able to share your feelings?

[Depression = 72% of members]

How do you cope with not being able to share your feelings about how the pwBDP affects you and the people in your life with the ones involved, i.e. not sharing it with the Non-family member (SO of pwBDP), with the pwBPD and with the other family members involved and maybe not seeing and understanding issues in the pwBPD's behaviour?

For me, I don't know how to get enough support. I don't want to lean on my friends because they seem not completely comfortable with it, plus the BPD issue would probably tend to take over too much. My SO understands, but is not fully comfortable talking about it either, and does not fully understand the BPD illness and its effect on Non. My family denies to see issues or not a lot in the pwBDP's behaviour.

It's something nobody really likes to deal with. It's tough in a way it wouldn't be if I was able to share and not have to watch every word I say about it with too many people in my life. How do you get relief?
I don't mean the 1 hour/week with a T, but real relief, people being there for you and helping you process it all.

Looking for solutions and support. Thanks.

[Xola]

How do you cope with not being able to share your feelings about how the pwBDP affects you and the people in your life with the ones involved, i.e. not sharing it with the Non-family member (SO of pwBDP), with the pwBPD and with the other family members involved and maybe not seeing and understanding issues in the pwBPD's behaviour?

For me, I don't know how to get enough support. I don't want to lean on my friends because they seem not completely comfortable with it, plus the BPD issue would probably tend to take over too much. My SO understands, but is not fully comfortable talking about it either, and does not fully understand the BPD illness and its effect on Non. My family denies to see issues or not a lot in the pwBDP's behaviour.

It's something nobody really likes to deal with. It's tough in a way it wouldn't be if I was able to share and not have to watch every word I say about it with too many people in my life. How do you get relief?
I don't mean the 1 hour/week with a T, but real relief, people being there for you and helping you process it all.

Looking for solutions and support. Thanks.

[beatricex]

hi Xola,
Well, I cope by coming here.  I have also been super lucky to meet others (in 3D) in the same situation as me.  That has helped a lot.  It took years, but eventually I realized there are others like me out there.

 
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[sklamath]

Hi, Xola! Participating in these forums, alongside therapy, has been enormously helpful. This is a community that just gets it, and understands all the mixed emotions and bumps in the healing process.

When I first had the "aha moment" of my mom's behavior being consistent with BPD/NPD--about 3 years ago--it felt so all-consuming, and I recall how acute the need was to cope, process, and get it all out. I could barely think about anything else. I'd go for walks or drives and cry. I'd second guess whether I was being unfair or reading too much into it. I wanted my dad (still married to my uBPD mom) to understand. Like you, I had a decent sense of how much I could say to friends, and was wary to talk to extended family at all. It helped that my brother was on the same page, and my husband is supportive. But ultimately, there was so much I had to figure out about myself, validating my own experiences, and determining how (and how much) to talk about my mom. And having the opportunity to type it out here in posts or comments, or even just see my experiences reflected back through others' posts and comments has been a huge part of my continuing healing process. I've also learned so much from these boards about navigating the dynamics of dysfunctional families--not a thing I thought I needed to know, but as it turns out, incredibly important!

I'm going to botch the phrasing, but I recall reading something early in my learning/healing journey about the children of BPD parents lacking a cohesive narrative about their childhood and relationship with their parents. When I think back over what's changed in the last few years for me and why, a lot of it is about that narrative becoming more cohesive. Writing it out here has helped me discover my story, given me language to talk about it, and freed me from the need to offer up all the nuance and be so protective of my mom. I'm in a better place about deciding how to talk about things to other people, how much detail to offer, or how much I care if others think it's weird that my relationship to my mom and family is complicated.

[Xola]

Thank you for both of your insight.

It helps coming here, but it also makes it worse (if that makes sense). It makes me understand what probably terrible mechanics are going on in the background that I don't even know about (Are his texts from 2 months ago real? Did she write them to get back to me for something? What about the messages 4 years ago?) and that I need to step away from it all. But it also triggers my fear and general hopelessness about the situation I'm in and my life.

I've resumed to try and improve my issue of not having a big support system by reaching out to a friend and by replying to an old friend who reached out to me.
I have in the back of my mind the fact that I need support, being able to talk about my feelings for at least a portion and social contacts, and that I think I'm leading a very isolated life and have been for years.

I knew my brother's gf and now wife has BPD, he was straightforward about that and about what he thinks it meant. Probably she thought telling him about it from the beginning would give her some advantage, like serious commitment on his part or explaining her personal situation, so he'd not blame her for it, but admire her. But he did not nearly cover the extend of it. I did not know or ever imagine it would entail her and him cutting me off and trying to make me comply to every detail of her take on life. He only said she sees things black and white and feels degraded easily. Not that she was rude without provocation, manipulative and forcing herself onto other people by crossing boundaries. Probably that is something he admired as boldness and gave him the opportunity to display the same behaviour without social isolation and repercussions, because he had her.

Thank you for your replies.

When I first had the "aha moment" of my mom's behavior being consistent with BPD/NPD--about 3 years ago--it felt so all-consuming, and I recall how acute the need was to cope, process, and get it all out. I could barely think about anything else.

Sklamath, your experiences of when you first found out sound very similar to me in.the past years, especially during the first year 2017, and now again that I find out, when taking a good look at my feelings, that I think my brother's gone and changed forever, not only that but that in reality he probably was never the person I thought he was and probably had his own scheme and motivation behind it all. I understand feeling so lonely with it all and obsessed, barely being able to focus on anything else. I experience it again now and lately, because I tried to smooth things over with him a few months ago. Now his reaction triggers my fear. It feels good to know I'm not alone to experience such feelings.

I'd go for walks or drives and cry.

This sounds like a great tip. Only I don't feel safe driving when I have to cry. But walking or cycling sounds better than crying in bed.

[Xola]

Beatricex, I imagine meeting people in RL who understand and can relate is super helpful. I'm happy for you!

[Xola]

About 2 or 3 months ago I talked to my 80-year-old grandmother about it. She doesn't know BDP etc., but she also cuts her and my brother out of her and my grandfather's life. She felt that my brother's wife was also rude to her at the first meeting, and she does not agree with the impact she has on him and the way my brother and she raise their children (she does not help in the household and the 3-year-old daughter knows how to turn on the TV and watches too much TV, they don't occupy themselves enough with the children). I think she also said she thinks my brother's wife should not have children while she is still studying and hasn't finished her uni degree. I suspect my grandparents also think my brother had children too early with her, or shouldn't have had more children in the first place, beside the children his wife already brought into the relationship.
So it feels good to talk to someone in RL about it, and being supported and confirmed in your views, even if they don't understand the full impact of the BPD disease.
I don't always have a good relationship with my grandmother, but this was a surprisingly good influence from her.

[beatricex]

hi again Xola,
Well, not having a support system is a problem in and of itself, at least it has been for me. 

But it also triggers my fear and general hopelessness about the situation I'm in and my life.

You hit the nail on the head with your comment above.  I have also felt this many times.  I try to remember it's just a feeling and it will pass.  I try to focus on the positive.  For example, now I'm married and my husband and I have our own family.  I don't need the one I left.

Something that I found I had to do, which was very difficult for me because I'm a shy person, was to reach out to others. 

For example, when I was NC with my parents for 7 years, I reached out to a couple across the street and they became my "surrogate parents."  I spent holidays and my birthday with them, and they treated me like a daughter in some ways.  This was when I was single.

Did I speak to them about my own FOO?  No, not really, but it filled that hole in my life that was left when I went NC with my family.  That I had no where Physically to go during the events where most people spend time with their families, was something I really struggled with.  They were very kind and even dogsat my dogs.

I think there will be lots of times you won't agree with people on this forum (or others like it), and there will be times you don't agree with your significant other, and there will be times you feel lonely.  Cause that is what has been dealt us.  Others really cannot understand our own unique situations...But, it doesn't mean you won't find a support system, and it doesn't mean you can't hope to have that sometime in the near future - that someone else will "get it."

Checking out of the mess is not necessarily a bad thing, one doesn't have to think about the situation 24/7...that would be ruminating, afterall.  I don't think it's healthy to worry all the time.

One of the signs that I knew meant I was "done" with therapy and it was time to move on with my life was when I started disagreeing with my therapist.  It is really a growth experience, there is no "right" place to be in the timeline.
 
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[Notwendy]

People put mothers on a pedestal, and I think for most mothers they deserve that. But while I try to relate to my BPD mother in the best way I can, I can't really relate to that. When I look at mother's day cards in the store, it feels like I am reading a book- about some other people . And just like I can't relate to that kind of mother, people can't relate to my experience unless they have a similar one. Also there's a taboo about speaking poorly of our mothers. I recall as kids if we said anything, people assumed we were terrible kids for speaking about our mother like that, and didn't believe us.

I have to be careful about anyone connected to my mother as anything I say, they may tell her. I am guarded around anyone connected to her. I don't trust them. I can talk to my H but he has a "mother's day card" type mother and he can't relate to it.

My main support has been a T and 12 step groups (ACA - includes dysfunction as the dynamics are similar to an alcoholic parent, even if no alcohol is involved). You might consider something like this even if it doesn't completely apply to you, even Coda, as family patterns where there is a disordered person are similar.

One of the most validating experiences was that after my father died, his relatives shared their thoughts about the situation. They didn't say much before this, knowing that if they did, he might just shut them out completely. It really helped to have someone validate my experiences. It wasn't my fault after all, even though my parents, and my mother's family acted as if it is.

It's very upsetting to be shut out by a family member you love, on account of their disordered spouse. I think what you are feeling is grief. However, over time, this does get less emotionally tough, although you do grieve for that loss. However, I don't think regular people know how to be a support and for me a T and 12 step groups were most helpful.


 

[_sickandtired_24]

I don't have much in the way of advice, because I am feeling the exact same way at the moment. My sister has BPD, and it is exhausting. I feel empty and just 'out of it' all the time. My friends aren't equipped to support me...or I feel like a burden unloading that onto them.

I rely on my non-BPD family members (mainly my brother) quite a bit. And I'm seeing a therapist weekly. But I completely understand you when you say you need more support.

I wish there were zoom calls or online support that was more instantaneous. I am new to this discussion board...it seems very helpful...but at times I wish there was a place where there was more of a continuous discussion or dialog instead of waiting hours to days for a discussion board response.

But reading your post made me feel less alone- so thank you for that.

[zachira]

I find that the people I can share my feelings with about my disordered cruel family members are few and far between, yet I do have a few wonderful friends who really have empathy and support me. I also do the same for them. A big part of coping, is to set healthy boundaries from the begining while I observe if I am really interacting with someone who is genuine, or if I am experiencing a temporary performance of a person pertending to be nice. I have wasted a lot of my life interacting with people who are just like my dysfunctional family members. You can share your feelings at the right time and with the right people. It is painful when your family members and others enable the disordered family members. This is because they are uncomfortable with their own feelings, and therefore cannot have empathy for what you are experiencing. A lot of people would rather sit on the fence, than offend the abusers and risk their wrath.  

[Xola]

I'm not sure if I should open a new thread for this or not. Yesterday I talked to my friend I reached out to --and it completely escalated. We talked it out and made up--which is good. But reading this

who are just like my dysfunctional family members.

and this

Others really cannot understand our own unique situations...

reminded me of that fight with my friend. I will make a new thread about it, because it is too long to embed it in this topic and a different topic.

[Xola]

Notwendy, _Sickandtired_24, I looked up 12 step groups ACA and CoDA. I found online CoDA sessions which might be helpful.

https://coda.org/find-a-meeting/online-meetings

And also for my country/Europe, so yay.

Notwendy_, those are really good tips. You saying I might consider something even if it doesn't completely apply to me is very helpful, because I often feel help offers don't apply to me, and then I don't go there and don't try it, not wanting to bother people with my issues that sometimes feel very specific and different from more "common" issues other people have.

_Sickandtired_24, I could also relate to your situation, reading your thread yesterday. I am also new to this board still figuring it out. Even though it's not my sister who has BPD, but my brother causing me the pain and showing many similar behaviours as his dBPD wife who he enables. It feels good knowing someone who has similar experiences and I'm really happy to know that it helps you too. It must have been hell growing up like that with an older BPD sister. It is great you are getting help in therapy and now on this board.

I used to see a therapist for depression before my brother met his bBPD wife. It helped me a great deal because I was unable to look at myself, feel my feelings and put them into words. Like Beatricex I felt I was done with therapy when I saw it not helping me with other things and disagreeing with my therapist, and feeling it was time to move on. Probably she was the wrong therapist for a good number of my issues. Maybe I should have done a different therapy later to address those. In many ways therapy did not give me relief but put pressure on me to "succeed" in it, which is one of my issues.