I broke it off with my BPD ex gf and I miss her

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was with my bpd ex gf for 5 years, in the beginning there were many red flags that I ignored probably because her love was so intoxicating.  She abused benzos and alcohol for the first couple of years that we were together and I was convinced that her mental issues stemmed from the substance abuse. I loved her and I had experience with substance abuse of my own in my past and I was determined to help her through it because I thought I could see the good in her.  I spare the details on her behaviors because I'd end up writing a novel but she was an undiagnosed bpd and she is still from my understanding unaware that she has bpd. She had been seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed her with bipolar disorder and prescribed antipsychotic medications which I think made her worse. I separated myself from her on about our 3rd year together and she ended up in the hospital on an attempted suicide.  I really believed her issues were the result of taking klonopin/psych meds and drinking daily and I spoke with her parents about the importance of making sure she came off of those meds.  After no contact with her for a couple of months after our separation I reached out to her to see how she was doing and we got back together, this time she was on no medications. I thought I'd have the perfect version of my love now that she was off of all of those prescription medications and boy was I wrong. For the last two years of our relationship she had continued to express extreme fear of abandonment, random accusations of cheating when I gave her no reason, looking through my phone all the time, threatening to end things unless I gave her access to my location services on my cell phone permanently, being extremely loving and caring one week and appreciative of our relationship, the next week telling me that I do nothing for the relationship and she was extremely unhappy, telling me how manipulative I am when it was her in fact being manipulative, whenever I'd express my feelings she would tell me to stop victimizing myself but then demanded that I validated all of her feelings.  I had no other choice but to seek couples counseling because I wanted to get to the bottom of this, the first counselor was of no help and was completely manipulated by her and really did not see anything wrong other than the fact that we weren't getting along. Although on a solo session with this therapist she did elude and hint to the possibility of my ex having bpd or some sort of personality disorder.  Fast forward to covid and believe it or not things were actually less chaotic during quarantine, certainly far from perfect but we had worse times in our past together.  Since we were both home and had ample time I decided that surprising her with a puppy would be a positive thing for us and would potentially facilitate some team work and healthy bonding.  After getting the puppy the first month was like a honeymoon once again, then she became paranoid of what would happen with the dog if we broke up, to the point that she took my credit card and signed up the pet insurance solely under her name which I gathered was for some sort of legal leverage if we were to breakup.  I was beside myself I thought things were getting better I worked so hard for so many years to make this relationship work.  Now she started to say she did not want to be with me anymore and wanted to split custody of the dog.  She was treating me like garbage out of nowhere telling me that I did nothing for the relationship and that she didn't want to be with me anymore.  A part of me thought well good riddance and another part of me didn't want to lose the dog (which I was providing for financially) and her at the same time.  So I suggested to seek counseling with someone new this time, this new therapist was of higher caliber and immediately identified her bpd issues. She barely wanted to go to therapy, meanwhile she was using the dog as a bargaining chip for control.  Well believe it or not the puppy died suddenly from a rare fungal disease that nobody saw coming. My ex gf was a wreck, we both were, here we are in some serious relationship turmoil and our baby dies.  Now all of a sudden she became loving again and was apologetic saying she can't believe she treated me so badly, she said she realized that she felt a sense of emotional support and independence from the dog and that she thought she didn't want me anymore and that she was wrong and she was sorry.  She said she realized that I was doing my part and that she realized she would nitpick on the smallest thing that I did not do and failed to see how much effort I was putting in.  However at this point we were about 4 months through the worst part of our relationship by FAR, I mean like almost 5 out 7 days of every week was complete hell, arguments for maybe 5-6 hours.  I had decided that I was done and I ended it with her, I told her I did not feel the same for her anymore (not true), that I could not trust her and that I could never feel comfortable knowing that a simple change in dynamic in her life could change everything between us.  She had no friends and I had told her that maybe she would leave me in the future once she got a job and some friends and I said I can't live like that.  She begged me to stay and pleaded with me that she knows she can't be so volatile anymore and I still said no.  She asked me then if I cared if she saw someone else and I said no (lies) and then she said she was going to wait for me but she wouldn't wait forever. I told her that I still cared about her deeply and really hope that she can be happy and successful in life.  She came over with tears in her eyes gave me a kiss on the cheek told me she loved me and left.  This is the most painful thing I've ever done in my life because I still have tremendous feelings for her but logically I knew that I was killing myself by staying with her.  It has been about 5 weeks and we have not spoken and I suspect she is back with her ex bf from years ago and it is extremely painful to think that just like that she probably already forgot about me like those 5 years were nothing.  Sometimes I fantasize about her reaching out to me in the future and telling me that she figured out that she has bpd and was working hard on treatment and was better.  I am also scared that she reaches before I move on from her because I feel some sort of addiction to the love that we had for each other.  As shallow as it could sound she was super attractive and the sex was by far I have ever had, it is difficult to let go of.  I believe I was her first bf to ever be the one to initiate and maintain a breakup but do bpd really move on that quickly? Is she just rebounding to fill the void? It is excruciatingly painful to think that the love and pain that I feel is just one sided after all of the energy and investment I put into this relationship and honestly I am broken.  My post may not make entirely too much sense but please bare with me I am really struggling and I was just hoping to get some support from some of you that can share some knowledge and insight.

[Desu95]

I was with my bpd ex gf for 5 years, in the beginning there were many red flags that I ignored probably because her love was so intoxicating.  She abused benzos and alcohol for the first couple of years that we were together and I was convinced that her mental issues stemmed from the substance abuse. I loved her and I had experience with substance abuse of my own in my past and I was determined to help her through it because I thought I could see the good in her.  I spare the details on her behaviors because I'd end up writing a novel but she was an undiagnosed bpd and she is still from my understanding unaware that she has bpd. She had been seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed her with bipolar disorder and prescribed antipsychotic medications which I think made her worse. I separated myself from her on about our 3rd year together and she ended up in the hospital on an attempted suicide.  I really believed her issues were the result of taking klonopin/psych meds and drinking daily and I spoke with her parents about the importance of making sure she came off of those meds.  After no contact with her for a couple of months after our separation I reached out to her to see how she was doing and we got back together, this time she was on no medications. I thought I'd have the perfect version of my love now that she was off of all of those prescription medications and boy was I wrong. For the last two years of our relationship she had continued to express extreme fear of abandonment, random accusations of cheating when I gave her no reason, looking through my phone all the time, threatening to end things unless I gave her access to my location services on my cell phone permanently, being extremely loving and caring one week and appreciative of our relationship, the next week telling me that I do nothing for the relationship and she was extremely unhappy, telling me how manipulative I am when it was her in fact being manipulative, whenever I'd express my feelings she would tell me to stop victimizing myself but then demanded that I validated all of her feelings.  I had no other choice but to seek couples counseling because I wanted to get to the bottom of this, the first counselor was of no help and was completely manipulated by her and really did not see anything wrong other than the fact that we weren't getting along. Although on a solo session with this therapist she did elude and hint to the possibility of my ex having bpd or some sort of personality disorder.  Fast forward to covid and believe it or not things were actually less chaotic during quarantine, certainly far from perfect but we had worse times in our past together.  Since we were both home and had ample time I decided that surprising her with a puppy would be a positive thing for us and would potentially facilitate some team work and healthy bonding.  After getting the puppy the first month was like a honeymoon once again, then she became paranoid of what would happen with the dog if we broke up, to the point that she took my credit card and signed up the pet insurance solely under her name which I gathered was for some sort of legal leverage if we were to breakup.  I was beside myself I thought things were getting better I worked so hard for so many years to make this relationship work.  Now she started to say she did not want to be with me anymore and wanted to split custody of the dog.  She was treating me like garbage out of nowhere telling me that I did nothing for the relationship and that she didn't want to be with me anymore.  A part of me thought well good riddance and another part of me didn't want to lose the dog (which I was providing for financially) and her at the same time.  So I suggested to seek counseling with someone new this time, this new therapist was of higher caliber and immediately identified her bpd issues. She barely wanted to go to therapy, meanwhile she was using the dog as a bargaining chip for control.  Well believe it or not the puppy died suddenly from a rare fungal disease that nobody saw coming. My ex gf was a wreck, we both were, here we are in some serious relationship turmoil and our baby dies.  Now all of a sudden she became loving again and was apologetic saying she can't believe she treated me so badly, she said she realized that she felt a sense of emotional support and independence from the dog and that she thought she didn't want me anymore and that she was wrong and she was sorry.  She said she realized that I was doing my part and that she realized she would nitpick on the smallest thing that I did not do and failed to see how much effort I was putting in.  However at this point we were about 4 months through the worst part of our relationship by FAR, I mean like almost 5 out 7 days of every week was complete hell, arguments for maybe 5-6 hours.  I had decided that I was done and I ended it with her, I told her I did not feel the same for her anymore (not true), that I could not trust her and that I could never feel comfortable knowing that a simple change in dynamic in her life could change everything between us.  She had no friends and I had told her that maybe she would leave me in the future once she got a job and some friends and I said I can't live like that.  She begged me to stay and pleaded with me that she knows she can't be so volatile anymore and I still said no.  She asked me then if I cared if she saw someone else and I said no (lies) and then she said she was going to wait for me but she wouldn't wait forever. I told her that I still cared about her deeply and really hope that she can be happy and successful in life.  She came over with tears in her eyes gave me a kiss on the cheek told me she loved me and left.  This is the most painful thing I've ever done in my life because I still have tremendous feelings for her but logically I knew that I was killing myself by staying with her.  It has been about 5 weeks and we have not spoken and I suspect she is back with her ex bf from years ago and it is extremely painful to think that just like that she probably already forgot about me like those 5 years were nothing.  Sometimes I fantasize about her reaching out to me in the future and telling me that she figured out that she has bpd and was working hard on treatment and was better.  I am also scared that she reaches before I move on from her because I feel some sort of addiction to the love that we had for each other.  As shallow as it could sound she was super attractive and the sex was by far I have ever had, it is difficult to let go of.  I believe I was her first bf to ever be the one to initiate and maintain a breakup but do bpd really move on that quickly? Is she just rebounding to fill the void? It is excruciatingly painful to think that the love and pain that I feel is just one sided after all of the energy and investment I put into this relationship and honestly I am broken.  My post may not make entirely too much sense but please bare with me I am really struggling and I was just hoping to get some support from some of you that can share some knowledge and insight.

[B53]

Desu95,

I am sorry that you are going through so much pain. I don’ t believe that I would be the right person to answer your questions because I ‘m still sorting through what I experienced. There are a lot of people here that can guide you better and I’m sure they will. You are in the right place! It may not feel like it now, but it does get better. Be kind to yourself!

B53

[Cnvi]

Wow.. it's eerie to me how many similarities we have in our stories. My entire relationship was pretty much the first 3 years of your relationship, alcohol & heavy drug abuse, suicide attempts and self harm, etc. She was also very attractive and the sex was pretty much out of this world. We separated a few months ago and she's now sober and is getting her life on track so there's a part of me that wants to try again (even though I know it is kinda futile if she's untreated) but reading your story about everything that happened after, when she was doing better and you thought this would be your perfect love.. that kind of helped me steel myself against my thoughts of trying to get in touch with her again.

It's very common to feel the 'addiction' you mention to the love we share with these people, their love is so vast and all encompassing, it's a love unlike anything most of us have felt in our lives. And when you no longer have that it can feel like the world is crumbling beneath you. The one thing I will say is it does get better. Every week gets better, slowly. You're definitely in the right place because everyone here has felt similar things, and a lot of us are still in love with our exes in some ways (I'm definitely still in love with mine)

From what I've read here it's very common for them to move on and attach to someone else quickly, then they can avoid having to deal with the issues that led to the relationship ending etc. But there are other people on here much more qualified to dig into that stuff.

Keep your head up Desu, this is probably the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, but deep down you know it's the right choice for yourself in the long run.

[csquare319]

Man, if there is a textbook definition of BPD, your description of your ex' behavior is it. I understand how painful it is to let her go, we all do, that's why we are here. But you have to, or she will bring you down with her.

Think of her like heroin or crystal meth. You know you have to stop using. There is no halfway quitting it, no "social" using, no occasional relief when stressed at work, no this-is-the-last-time -I'll-quit-tomorrow ... no excuses! Either you walk away completely and never look back, or you die.

It's a choice, a hard one, but you have the power to make it. We all do.

[Rex31807]

Csquare319,

I had a counselor say that to me 5 years ago. He said this relationship would kill me. I am struggling as i type this because i want to reach out to her but why? It wouldnt help me by going  back to her. It would make matters worse for me.

The cycles of violence were speeding up. Life was chaos. Its only been 2 weeks but it has been a peaceful 2 weeks. Each day is a bit brighter and i have hope.

[St Jude]

Desu,

I don’t have the right experience to be of much help, but I just wanted to commend you for your strength in making this difficult decision in spite of the pain.  I remember my break-up with my ex and the agony I felt.  He was not BPD, but he was not right for me for many other reasons.  It took a few months before  I was physically in less agony, and little by little I started feeling joy and hope again.  Eventually I met my husband who is undiagnosed but checks every BPD trait.  There are a lot of good times but I am struggling now with some recent episodes he’s had which brought me back into the support group.  Only time will tell if the help he’s getting will be enough, I can only do the next right thing for myself which at the moment is setting firm boundaries and not caving in to them to appease a situation and avoid the rage.

Stay strong. 

[Desu95]

Wow.. it's eerie to me how many similarities we have in our stories. My entire relationship was pretty much the first 3 years of your relationship, alcohol & heavy drug abuse, suicide attempts and self harm, etc. She was also very attractive and the sex was pretty much out of this world. We separated a few months ago and she's now sober and is getting her life on track so there's a part of me that wants to try again (even though I know it is kinda futile if she's untreated) but reading your story about everything that happened after, when she was doing better and you thought this would be your perfect love.. that kind of helped me steel myself against my thoughts of trying to get in touch with her again.

It's very common to feel the 'addiction' you mention to the love we share with these people, their love is so vast and all encompassing, it's a love unlike anything most of us have felt in our lives. And when you no longer have that it can feel like the world is crumbling beneath you. The one thing I will say is it does get better. Every week gets better, slowly. You're definitely in the right place because everyone here has felt similar things, and a lot of us are still in love with our exes in some ways (I'm definitely still in love with mine)

From what I've read here it's very common for them to move on and attach to someone else quickly, then they can avoid having to deal with the issues that led to the relationship ending etc. But there are other people on here much more qualified to dig into that stuff.

Keep your head up Desu, this is probably the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, but deep down you know it's the right choice for yourself in the long run.

I'm glad my story has been able to give you a positive perspective, it's definitely a very difficult circumstance.

[Desu95]

Man, if there is a textbook definition of BPD, your description of your ex' behavior is it. I understand how painful it is to let her go, we all do, that's why we are here. But you have to, or she will bring you down with her.

Think of her like heroin or crystal meth. You know you have to stop using. There is no halfway quitting it, no "social" using, no occasional relief when stressed at work, no this-is-the-last-time -I'll-quit-tomorrow ... no excuses! Either you walk away completely and never look back, or you die.

It's a choice, a hard one, but you have the power to make it. We all do.

Yea this is quite helpful, I started thinking about it like going cold turkey from an addiction.  I have even deleted social media apps just to have time alone and avoid any potential triggers.

[EZEarache]

I have even deleted social media apps just to have time alone and avoid any potential triggers.

This seems to be the wise choice. I haven't logged in, for close to a month and a half.

[Desu95]

I was with my bpd ex gf for 5 years, in the beginning there were many red flags that I ignored probably because her love was so intoxicating.  She abused benzos and alcohol for the first couple of years that we were together and I was convinced that her mental issues stemmed from the substance abuse. I loved her and I had experience with substance abuse of my own in my past and I was determined to help her through it because I thought I could see the good in her.  I spare the details on her behaviors because I'd end up writing a novel but she was an undiagnosed bpd and she is still from my understanding unaware that she has bpd. She had been seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed her with bipolar disorder and prescribed antipsychotic medications which I think made her worse. I separated myself from her on about our 3rd year together and she ended up in the hospital on an attempted suicide.  I really believed her issues were the result of taking klonopin/psych meds and drinking daily and I spoke with her parents about the importance of making sure she came off of those meds.  After no contact with her for a couple of months after our separation I reached out to her to see how she was doing and we got back together, this time she was on no medications. I thought I'd have the perfect version of my love now that she was off of all of those prescription medications and boy was I wrong. For the last two years of our relationship she had continued to express extreme fear of abandonment, random accusations of cheating when I gave her no reason, looking through my phone all the time, threatening to end things unless I gave her access to my location services on my cell phone permanently, being extremely loving and caring one week and appreciative of our relationship, the next week telling me that I do nothing for the relationship and she was extremely unhappy, telling me how manipulative I am when it was her in fact being manipulative, whenever I'd express my feelings she would tell me to stop victimizing myself but then demanded that I validated all of her feelings.  I had no other choice but to seek couples counseling because I wanted to get to the bottom of this, the first counselor was of no help and was completely manipulated by her and really did not see anything wrong other than the fact that we weren't getting along. Although on a solo session with this therapist she did elude and hint to the possibility of my ex having bpd or some sort of personality disorder.  Fast forward to covid and believe it or not things were actually less chaotic during quarantine, certainly far from perfect but we had worse times in our past together.  Since we were both home and had ample time I decided that surprising her with a puppy would be a positive thing for us and would potentially facilitate some team work and healthy bonding.  After getting the puppy the first month was like a honeymoon once again, then she became paranoid of what would happen with the dog if we broke up, to the point that she took my credit card and signed up the pet insurance solely under her name which I gathered was for some sort of legal leverage if we were to breakup.  I was beside myself I thought things were getting better I worked so hard for so many years to make this relationship work.  Now she started to say she did not want to be with me anymore and wanted to split custody of the dog.  She was treating me like garbage out of nowhere telling me that I did nothing for the relationship and that she didn't want to be with me anymore.  A part of me thought well good riddance and another part of me didn't want to lose the dog (which I was providing for financially) and her at the same time.  So I suggested to seek counseling with someone new this time, this new therapist was of higher caliber and immediately identified her bpd issues. She barely wanted to go to therapy, meanwhile she was using the dog as a bargaining chip for control.  Well believe it or not the puppy died suddenly from a rare fungal disease that nobody saw coming. My ex gf was a wreck, we both were, here we are in some serious relationship turmoil and our baby dies.  Now all of a sudden she became loving again and was apologetic saying she can't believe she treated me so badly, she said she realized that she felt a sense of emotional support and independence from the dog and that she thought she didn't want me anymore and that she was wrong and she was sorry.  She said she realized that I was doing my part and that she realized she would nitpick on the smallest thing that I did not do and failed to see how much effort I was putting in.  However at this point we were about 4 months through the worst part of our relationship by FAR, I mean like almost 5 out 7 days of every week was complete hell, arguments for maybe 5-6 hours.  I had decided that I was done and I ended it with her, I told her I did not feel the same for her anymore (not true), that I could not trust her and that I could never feel comfortable knowing that a simple change in dynamic in her life could change everything between us.  She had no friends and I had told her that maybe she would leave me in the future once she got a job and some friends and I said I can't live like that.  She begged me to stay and pleaded with me that she knows she can't be so volatile anymore and I still said no.  She asked me then if I cared if she saw someone else and I said no (lies) and then she said she was going to wait for me but she wouldn't wait forever. I told her that I still cared about her deeply and really hope that she can be happy and successful in life.  She came over with tears in her eyes gave me a kiss on the cheek told me she loved me and left.  This is the most painful thing I've ever done in my life because I still have tremendous feelings for her but logically I knew that I was killing myself by staying with her.  It has been about 5 weeks and we have not spoken and I suspect she is back with her ex bf from years ago and it is extremely painful to think that just like that she probably already forgot about me like those 5 years were nothing.  Sometimes I fantasize about her reaching out to me in the future and telling me that she figured out that she has bpd and was working hard on treatment and was better.  I am also scared that she reaches before I move on from her because I feel some sort of addiction to the love that we had for each other.  As shallow as it could sound she was super attractive and the sex was by far I have ever had, it is difficult to let go of.  I believe I was her first bf to ever be the one to initiate and maintain a breakup but do bpd really move on that quickly? Is she just rebounding to fill the void? It is excruciatingly painful to think that the love and pain that I feel is just one sided after all of the energy and investment I put into this relationship and honestly I am broken.  My post may not make entirely too much sense but please bare with me I am really struggling and I was just hoping to get some support from some of you that can share some knowledge and insight.

After all of the above I can't help but to wonder if she will ever contact me again.  I have read dozens and dozens of bpd discard stories but not many where the nonbpd discards their bpd significant other. It has been 3 months now and complete radio silence although we both still remained "friends" on all social media platforms.  I am very grateful that she has not reached out because even though I broke it off with her I have been in a lot of pain and have missed her deeply and I may have caved and gotten back together with her. However I am curious if she will ever reach out again so that I can be well prepared on how to handle it, she was begging for me to stay with her when I broke it off.  I do understand that some bpd forget their ex's very quickly because for them its out of sight out of mind. I guess I am just wondering if anyone here has any insight on the probability of an exbpd reaching out when they were the ones that were dumped.  I feel like something is wrong with me because although I know she is the worst possible thing for me something inside of me wants to see her and hold her one more time.  I will not reach out and I hope I have the strength to stay away if she does reach out, please share your thoughts.

[Ventak]

After all of the above I can't help but to wonder if she will ever contact me again.  I have read dozens and dozens of bpd discard stories but not many where the nonbpd discards their bpd significant other.

Please share your thoughts.

Desu,

So sorry that you are in pain, I know how difficult this is.

I don't think there is a pattern that all BPD fall into, and I've read that there are multiple BPD "types".  Four, I think.  However, I do have some experience that might be useful, though from a sample of one pwBPD.

First, my BPDw has shown a unique ability over the years to "flip a switch in her head", where a person can go from being very important to her life to non-existent.  I've seen it dozens of times.  Rarely does that switch ever turn back on, and then only if the other person starts pursuing her.  In our 10 years together, I would guess my BPDw has had around 150 "emotional affairs" online, most of which she has shared with me at differing levels of detail.  Only 3-4 of those did she ever reconnect with after a breakup, and again only when they pursued her later... and most have pursued her later but she either ghosted them or made it clear she wanted nothing to do with them.  The few that did get back with her all had in common that she had done a very strong push-away within a week of the other person breaking up... so I suspect there was some guilt she felt about how hard she had pushed them prior to them being unable to handle it.  I would estimate that 10-20 percent of her breakups were from the other person breaking it off, to give you a feel for numbers.

Not saying that your uBPDgf fits into this category, just sharing my experience.  If your GF follows the same patterns as my W, the answer is that she will not reach out to you... but if you pursue her strongly there is a chance that she will eventually get back with you.

[St Jude]

Desu,

I feel you 100%.  It is the most paradoxical feeling to know that this person is not healthy for you to be with, and still feel that insane pull to be close to them. 

My husband and I officially separated a little over 2 weeks ago.  He had the worst episode of our relationship in 7 years on Mother’s Day, became completely dysregulated at dinner after getting into a texting battle with his mother (this always leads to an angry rageful meltdown for him), and then he turned his rage over to me saying I manipulate him, just like her.  He then drove home in the biggest rage I’ve ever seen, screaming at the top of his lungs about all these things he’s unhappy about and that he has 3 psychiatrists and has spent 95k on therapy and proceeded to throw the kitchen sink of insults at me and driving so recklessly on the highway in the pouring rain I genuinely thought we were going to die.  After I spent 4 nights throwing up at a hotel (and getting immediate access to psych for meds to dial down my anxiety and access to an on-line talk therapist because of course I’m a tax accountant and this all happened in the last week of our biggest deadline of the year) I did come back and he had not cooled down enough to talk so I had to leave again and stay with a friend for four nights. 

When he finally cooled he was able to say he was completely out of control that night and wasn’t trying to kill us but felt suicidal.  He said he knows we can’t have a family, if we had kids in the car that night or did anything like that with kids (which is a concern he’s raised at one point previously because the episodes have become fewer, but always come back around).  We then finally had the separation discussion, I agreed we needed to separate.  I booked a trip to the desert for a couple weeks to try to get my head straight because I was completely unraveled and felt I couldn’t perform at my job.  It did definitely help.

I tell all of this in part to help process, I just got back to the apt with al his stuff gone and it’s KILLING me, and in part to tell you I completely feel this desire to be able to spend time with him, and have him hold me, even after all that.  Even before the last big episode,I really physically couldn’t handle these periods of dysregulation where he would rage and throw things when set off by these slights, which could be someone not texting him back right away, or all of the other crazy train behaviors that we endure.  I started having panic attacks, one night we almost had to go to the ER, I’ve never had anything like this before.  I started praying to god to please take him from me, because I hadn’t reached the point of being strong enough yet.  So that night in the car where I was fearing for my life I just thought, I knew something like this was going to happen... he’s a ticking time bomb and I was hanging in because I kept seeing ‘progress’, which was the episodes were more and more spread out, and he was the most amazing man when not in a state.  We had so much fun together. 

[Sappho11]

St Jude, off-topic but it just occurred to me, since your husband has such profound problems with his mother, have you ever heard of the term mother-enmeshed man (MEM)? I've recently listened to a podcast on the subject, which explains the whole mental backstory and also gives advice on how to react to MEM's meltdowns (including those involving his mother), and I wish I had known about it during my relationship.

[St Jude]

Sappho,

I haven’t heard that term, thank you so much for sharing.  I will definitely be looking into it.  The toxic relationship with his mother is insane.  Our separation is the first time in 7 years we haven’t had contact everyday, and while it’s killing me I am slowly seeing things a little clearer that I was always aware of, but let slide because the turmoil usually quickly subsided..  It is NOT normal for this intelligent, deeply charming man who is so warm and loving towards me when things are running smoothly to suddenly become so unbelievably irate about his mother... I know he had a terrible childhood inflicted with all kinds of abuse and neglect, but it’s 2021, he’s almost 40 and he had a partner of 7 years that supported him and encouraged him in all that he was pursuing.  It’s so so sad.