Hi Team,
I'm not really sure where to post this so hope I put it in the right place. I also don't really know where to start, so this might be a long post. TLDR: I grew up in house with undiagnosed BPD in my mother; got married; husband wants a divorce; just realized husband is likely undiagnosed Autistic and I am exhausted and sad and don't want a divorce; husband seems unwilling to work on it; I am unwilling to give up; husband has gone NC with me in the last several weeks, but has not served me with divorce papers.
My mom is undiagnosed BPD -- I found out from my dad when I was 17 and from that point forward, I have been working on trying to make sense of my world- I'm 30 now. For a few years at the beginning, I was in LC with my mom-- I stopped talking to her around 2012 after she froze my bank account while I was out of the country, trying to get to my dad's accounts. It was a mess. I cut off all contact shortly thereafter and have only had limited interactions with her since (a funeral, my sisters wedding where I did not interact with her, but was in the same room).
I went to college and it was a dream come true- time away where I was in charge of my own life. Shortly after I started school, I met DH, who I knew right away was an incredible guy who I wanted to share my life with. We started dating about a year later, and though he was emotionally distant at times, he consistently showed up for me and seemed able to set boundaries and be a loving and caring partner. I didn't feel super "chosen" but chalked this up to having grown up with a lot of trauma and assumed that it was my heightened reactions to abandonment.
Over the years, my stress became more and more acute. As early as year 4 I was telling him that I was feeling he wasn't choosing me, but he reassured me he wanted to be with me. By about year 6, I was exhausted and telling him that I needed him to propose, to be there for me, and to feel like I was being chosen. I talked about these things incessantly between years 4-6, and eventually, was so broken down that I started exhibiting a lot of fleas of my childhood- yelling, pursuing, panic attacks- horrible
PLEASE READ that I can't stand that I've done (but have to accept- I didn't know how to do better, even though I wish I did).
DH and I got married in 2017 and shortly thereafter he was laid off from his job. He didn't do anything to find a new job and joked that he should be a SAHD instead of getting a new job, except that we had no kids and were deep in a remodel. As time wore on, I was more and more frustrated that he wasn't doing what he needed to be doing to support and provide for us. I felt I was the only adult in the room and told him. My outbursts became more frequent as he retreated further and further into himself.
Fast forward to the beginning of this year. DH had left for a week last October to "sort his head out" - he reassured me that he wanted to work on us and that this wasn't goodbye. He came home and things were OK for about 2 weeks, then he reverted to not coming home on time, not keeping his commitments, withdrawing emotionally, etc. and both of our bad patterns continued to drive us forward- him withdrawing, me having outbursts. In the last month, he has stated that he wants to divorce, that nothing can change his mind, and that he feels that my "trauma and outbursts" will never change. The only issue is, my emotional regulation, according to my therapists, our couples therapist, and my personal feelings about how I'm doing, has gone way up. He wouldn't hear it. He started to disengage in fact at the same time that our couples therapist started to shine the light on what he needed to do to show up in the relationship. DH seems to think that I have an explosive anger issue, the issue is, it isn't explosive or sudden- my anger erupts after lots and lots of patience and me saying "I'm not feeling listened to, I'm not feeling acknowledged, Can you please listen?, It feels like this is escalating, etc." . Why can't he see that I'm doing my part and he needs to pay attention?
Long story short, I ended up moving out of our house as we continued to meet for couples counseling. It escalated to the point that he isn't talking to me and has only communicated that he wants to talk about logistics. As I've been trying to make sense of all of this in my mind, and talking about it with my dad, the idea of a processing issue arose and I remembered that both therapists I've had in the last 10 years have mentioned that it seems like my husband might have Autism. Finally, my dad encouraged me to read a book- and BOY- the world opened up to me. Suddenly, the last 10 years with my husband came into stark clarity. The emotional withdrawal, everything that felt like lovebombing, narcissism, etc. Why it seems he can't meet my needs, why I never feel chosen. Like all of it. Makes sense why he seems to think my anger is explosive, too- he probably isn't hearing the emotion in my voice, probably isn't seeing my non-verbal cues, probably doesn't understand my facial expressions. Just. What a disaster.
I'm not really sure what I think I'll get by posting here- maybe hope that someone has been through something like this.
I'm feeling drained emotionally from the experience of realizing that I fell into being someone else's caretaker again, especially because I don't think he knows he has a desire to be cared for. I feel wiped out by the idea of getting a divorce, because I don't want it and don't think it's the right choice for us. I've focused on what the wild ride of this has been because I want it to be clear how it's similar to growing up, not because my husband isn't incredibly kind and thoughtful and caring and deep and playful and silly and all of the other wonderful things I'd run out of space to tell you about.
I just want hope, maybe, more than anything, that there is light on the other end of whatever this is. I lived through my childhood looking forward to a happy marriage, kiddos who were well adjusted, and a peaceful homelife. Now, here I am and the whole dream I've been building seems to be crashing down around me and I'm scared. I'm trying to work through my anxious attachment, understand how to live through trauma, figuring out what autism is and how it may be affecting my marriage, how to manage anger, integrate a meditation practice, and trying to read about how to save a marriage all at once. I just need to know that somewhere there is hope, that people save marriages, that I'm not a bad person because I have fleas, that this happens to people who have been traumatized. I just need reassurance that I'm not alone. I'm up to three therapists (1 in CBT, 1 in validation work, and 1 who specializes in NeuroDiverse relationships) and I feel both overwhelmed with gratitude that I can do that for myself and also exhausted by feeling like again, I'm the only one who cares to try to make a really important relationship fulfilling and valuable.
Thanks for reading the saga if you got this far. It means the world. Hang in there on your daily life-- I'm rooting for you.
