How am I supposed to have sex with this husband who is BPD?

[johnsang]

He is curt, he is moody, he swears at our children, he gives me the silent treatment... you know all the traits.

How on earth, when I'm  feeling more "resolved" with the current conflict caused by one of his outbreaks, am I supposed to then forget that I've been married to a man who has hurt me, non-stop, insidiously, day in, day out, who is the father of my children - how am I supposed to swallow all that and be intimate with him?

Please - any insights would be great. all I keep reading about 'sex and BPD" is how great they are in bed.  What about partners who have to live with their BPD and supposed to connect intimately and can not bear the thought of attempting sex with their partner?  How do I be honest about that?  Do I let him know that is a current boundary?  Then I feel like I'm withholding and start to question my own sanity.

Thanks
So Don't Want to be Touched by this man 

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[Cat Familiar]

I completely understand, as I felt the same way when I previously was married to a very unkind husband with BPD.

I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to answer your question. What occurred to me during that marriage was that by being intimate, I was approving of his behavior. Yet withholding caused problems too. So I would grit my teeth and give in now and then, and that wasn’t good either because he knew I wasn’t wanting to, even though it was occasionally enjoyable, it felt more like a duty to perform than an act of love.

[EnglishRose]

Hello

This is my first post. I am new to this forum. My boyfriend has BPD and I completely relate. I’m so drained after an episode and wiped out, it takes me days to get my strength back, by which time - he’s likely triggered again. So it’s a cycle.

I don’t have the answers ... but I have tried to gently explain the “storms” are tiring and I’m feeling burnt out. My partner rebuilds connection with me then with a massage and understanding (even if he does actually understand) I am exhausted. Sex usually then resumes after slow contact, cuddling etc, after about a week.

The longest my partner has gone without a trigger is 4 weeks. I’m not sure how sexually active we were at that time.

Good news is for my partner, his awareness is getting better and less lashing out at me.

I have used words like “I can only help you when it’s not directed at me”. I try understand this is something he cannot control so try to soothe. Trust me I want to scream inside but ...
offering a herbal tea, putting on nice music for him - does diffuse it, as my partner feels less alone.

I don’t condone his behaviour, but I’m learning to see it’s “programming”  running that has nothing to do with me. If you can assist him slowly to see these are messy emotions that “don’t need a home or a reason” (such as on you or blaming you). This for me was the hardest hardest part - getting him not to deflect onto me.

I began with the mantra “this is not my story”. He was convinced I was making him fat accidentally, I stopped him fasting, was the reason he wasn’t going to the gym. Basically... a ton of distress inside him, and him trying to figure out what he was feeling and getting it wrong and projecting.

In reality it took 5 months for him to see I was not the cause of his feelings. He still flip flops on that.

So your partner needs to see (and trust me I know how EXHAUSTING it is to get them to stick to something) ... not to bleed his confused emotions onto you or to attack you.

You could explain that you want to be a place he turns to when stressed, not against. You want to be intimate with
him but can’t if embroiled in his distressed outburst.

Because I am new to this ... my partner too ... am thinking to create a storm room. A place he can go and feel his feelings, watch movies, go into the “blackness” and try to keep me out of it.

If your partner sees the relationship is better if he separates you and his emotions. I’m sure you’ve thought of all this and I know it’s easier said than done.

You ask “how am I supposed to swallow all that and be intimate with him”? I read something about “radical acceptance”. I am looking at this also. Truly accepting your partner has a condition. It’s not personal - and strategies need to be put in place for you to have a relationship with him. This is, after all, your relationship with a “loving partner”.

Having a disorder does not make him unlovable, not should it deny you of love and intimacy - but it will clearly ruin your connection if not addressed.

So, it seems you are at the stage to separate his condition from the relationship. So you can reconnect again - and he too can have a safe space away from his distress.

I read there was a book called “radical compassion too” ... I haven’t read it. Just throwing some ideas to help.

There is also something to say about child abuse. Swearing at children could be classified that. I don’t know how you can catch him in a non triggered state to explain you are “his loving family” and he has to put distance between his condition and you all.

I know the hardest part is getting them to see this.
Maybe this is a first step in therapy? You and your children are not his emotional storm. His feelings should not pour onto others.

Sorry for your pain. I know it so so so well.
Hoping you are nourished somehow, with good friends or something nice.

[EnglishRose]

Also read this on the BPD family website:

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

Preserve Your Emotional Health: The intensity of emotional reactions, and the rage take a toll on even the strongest.  Since you cannot escape the natural human impulses to "recoil when raged" upon or "be overly protective" when idealized, it really important to have other outlets / escapes to keep yourself grounded. It's important not to become isolated. It's important to have a significant emotional support system for yourself (e.g., close friends) that goes beyond the relationship.

Understand Why: There are a many reasons to be in BP relationship or to try.  It's a deeply personal decision.  Sometimes the reasons are unhealthy- such as BPD/NPD relationships, BPD/Co-dependent relationship, etc.   It's important to understand your own emotional health and what motivates you to "stay in" and build a life that "evolves around" and has to "continually compensate for" the acts of a destructive person. Many professionals enter therapy when they are treating BPD to stay grounded.  It is a good idea for you too.


... The words that stand out here to me is “destructive person”.

As for me ... and why I related to your post and wanted to respond is that: I can love him as long and the destruction is contained.

For my relationship, this was the biggest turn around. I think most of us can tolerate the moods, the depression, the stress or dark emotions ... it’s the lashing out that breaks.

Stop that, we may have partners we can support.

Amen, take care.
Rose

[EnglishRose]

Hello again it’s Rose ...

Saw this post that Cat wrote on the forum:

Isn’t it amazing how one little thing can “ruin the entire day”? My husband is like that too, and unfortunately life is full of “little things”.

What has helped me is realizing that when he starts down the path of dysregulation, the best thing for me to do is to not try and fix things, just let it be. He’s more likely to reset emotionally if I don’t try to soothe him or change his mood.

People with BPD have a deficit in self soothing skills, something most of us learned as young children. They can learn to do this, but it is not our responsibility to try and fix them. The best we can do is to be a good role model for them and manage our own distress.

We have a great library of videos and articles and here are a couple that might be useful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[EnglishRose]

Also found this interesting link:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5379216/

... on boundaries and clear communication, but not caretaking.

Take care,
Rosy

[EnglishRose]

Hello again,

Wanted to share a link as I am joining a DBT course for families and spouses. Incase your partner was ready to get help. And you wanted some support also.

See here for spouses:

https://www.mind-reframed.com/family-group

I am not connected to this course other than as a client. Soon to be. Best, Rosy

[Vincenta]

Hi Johnsang,

Read you post and I could relate, too

I do not have answers either, but lucklily English Rose has provided a lot of truly valuable insight.

Just wanted to ask now: how are you doing?

Warm regards
Vincenta

[johnsang]

I am so thankful for the warm and thoughtful responses given to my post, especially all your insights, Rose.

I came to the same conclusion the morning after I wrote that post - I saw 2 beautiful you-tube video on BPD - one by 2 women discussing their own BPD over  a cup of tea:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/

and secondly, this heart breaking animation:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ0IoPN8Yrs

Both these videos really shaped my response: empathy and a new and profound understanding of my husband that after all these years, I've never had before.  I am so grateful that I didn't seek all the "your abusive BPD partner" videos.

Anyway, having more understanding of this condition suddenly made me realize that despite his BPD, he has overcome.  He is working hard.  He listens (takes a long time to get there, but he listens).  He is LOYAL (as I'm sure you can understand, sometimes to a fault!).  My husband is committed. He is charismatic and funny.  And understanding that he has BPD just gives me tools to handle the weird stuff that comes my way (on a mostly daily basis) and also makes me laugh a little bit about the many idiosynracices. I mean, once I realized what is actually going on, all his "stuff" is not nearly as threatening!  Thankfully, he isn't physically violent, either to himself or anyone else.

Emotionally, in regards to the children, he is mostly safe, and I think my safe-ness can mostly make their little souls and personalities survive/thrive our home.

With my new understanding, too, I keep asking myself - is this BPD stuff or is this normal marriage stuff (like the kitchen being dirty - that's me being annoyed at him and nothing to do with BPD stuff).  But the comment on our walk last night about expressing my desire to get insulation in our very old house and "you're just trying to manipulate the situation to get what you want" as his response is BPD stuff. It is SOO helpful having this understanding.  I'm not trying to analyze and understand why that comment is so weird.  It's BPD!

I've also, like in the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, been really proud of myself for understanding his headspace and such intense emotions that he is feeling - but then been able to set my own boundaries and needs.  I told him the other day, "Well, even with those intense emotions, if you want to feel close to me and build intimacy with me (which he does), I still want you to say goodbye to me when you leave the house" (rather than leave in a storm of silent treatment when we haven't even had a fight!).

Anyway, again, couldn't be more grateful for the well thought out resources surrounding this condition, including this remarkable discussion board.

Thank you everyone, especially you, Rose - and please be safe and take care of yourselves with these partners.

john-sang