URGENT - Need feedback on something time sensitive

[CrushedinOntario]

So, my wife is uBPD, although seems to have been moving towards accepting the illness a little over a year or so ago (had ordered a DBT workbook recommended by her psych), but went sideways shortly thereafter never doing any of the work.  Still denying the problem.

See my thread on the unsure/stay or go portion of the boards if you want a more in-depth story of how we got here, but currently we're separated and have been for about 6 months (5 in same home, one now with me out of home).

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the due date of a baby we miscarried back in 1997.  It's something we never really grieved properly.  We both seem to accept that that was the point in our lives where things started to go sideways/downhill.

I'd like to reach out, and ask her "without this meaning anything in the long term, could we get together for an hour and honour our lost baby together"?  There's a butterfly garden in town setup by the Bereaved Families group and I'd like to take her there.

I just don't know how it will be received, and whether it's even a good idea at all.  We are texting from time to time, but sometimes can also go days with nothing.  She insists we are done, but still getting mixed signals off and on.  Her best, and only remaining long term friend says yes, need to create space for now, but she doesn't believe we're done.

Thoughts?

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[EZEarache]

If your goal is to reconcile it seems like it isn't the worst idea. However, it does run the risk of bringing up a lot of unpleasant feelings in both of you and could lead to confrontation.

If you just want to grieve your loss, I think it would be best to do this on your own. There doesn't seem to be much point to drag her into it. That would be painful and misleading for her. I would just accept the things you cannot change, in this case.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi rushedinPtbo: Sorry about the separation.

I agree with EZEarache's opinion.  If you need to process the loss, from the miscarriage, you should proceed it on your own.  I read that you have 2 other children & that the miscarriage was 20 years ago.

People with BPD or BPD traits, tend to go off the rails after a stressful event or a loss.  The signs of some of the traits have usually been there, if you honestly review past behaviors.  It's doesn't necessarily compute, that if the event was grieved properly/adequately that things would go back to the way they were, before the event. If it wasn't the miscarriage, something else would have been the event that upset the apple cart.

Sounds like you want to get back together.  I think it's best to just give her some time apart right now.  If you aren't getting any therapy, you might consider it.  This situation would be something to discuss.  Down the road, there could always be another opportunity to go to the butterfly garden together.

 

[CrushedinOntario]

Appreciate the advice.

No, I wasn't expecting that if we did go together that everything would go back to what it was like then.  Yes, my preference would be to see us work this out and finish out this life together. I also realize it might not happen and it's not really in my control anyway.

I really just wanted to do something nice for her.  Probably would have framed it that "this doesn't have to mean anything in the grand scheme of things right now, but...".

 I'm only just starting to reset and reframe with all this new information.  Much of best practices of how to care and help someone with BPD I've largely followed due to the bipolar.  All I would need to add in is some new skills around affirmation and avoiding triggers, etc...  No easy task, but hey, overall I prefer my life with her in it.  One can still hope that the lightbulb does come on.  She was almost there.  I just want her to sort this out more for herself than anything.  I know she's struggled inside for a long time, and without some effort she'll never be at peace.  A lot of it she's kept in too I'm sure.  And on the spectrum, I certainly don't see her as serious case, more on the milder side with it seeming to flare up when she gets off kilter with her bipolar moods, but mostly when elevated or even mildly hypomanic.  Thankfully no manic since the spin out around 2005.

I am getting serious counselling for sure right now, and have off and on throughout the past 10 or so years.  When it's good it's great, and no where else I'd rather be.

[kells76]

Hi CrushedinPtbo;

Your core value is to honor and remember your lost child, and you recognize that your child's mother is part of that history, no matter how either of you feels today.

Consider whether framing it as something you're already doing, that she could choose to join (or not), may be a "meet in the middle" option.

For example, rather than directly inviting her, or hoping to put some fences up about what getting together would "mean" or "not mean" -- all of which may be too emotionally intense for her --

what if you phrased it as "I'll be at the butterfly garden today from 3 to 4 pm to remember our child... don't hesitate to join if you would like to". There is likely better phrasing than that, but the gist of it is: describe what you'll already be doing and leave a door open for her to join, or not. Her decision won't change what you're going to do, and you following your plan won't require her cooperation.

Do keep in mind that as Naughty Nibbler mentioned, stressful life events can escalate BPD-type behaviors. I suspect my DH's sister has BPD. Her husband's mom passed away a couple of years ago, but as she was in decline, DH and I went up to visit the mom (who was a friend of DH's as well) before she passed. Not long after that, Sister -- who never came to see her husband's mom as she ailed -- posted a public video online accusing DH of horrible, horrible things.

She had to feel like she was "on top", because she couldn't handle the fact that DH "looked like a better person" for visiting her ailing MIL when she herself did not.

So, be aware that pwBPD may have lashing-out/dominating type behaviors if they see you doing appropriate grieving/processing yet they do not do the appropriate grieving/processing.

[CrushedinOntario]

It ended up she was away, out of town yesterday at a friend's.  Had avoided me all week (since Monday) and never got the chance to talk with her anyway, so went by myself.  A lot of that, really, for the past 12 years.  Have lived together but felt so alone.

It is becoming abundantly clear that she has devalued and discarded me.  Last conversation although no heightened drama, did leave me the impression that I have no choice right now but to let her go, try to suppress my feelings for her and see if anything changes in the future.  In the meantime start moving on.  If she ever decides to try to bring me back in, I guess I'll have to see where I'm at at that time.

Actually starting to think of going no contact, or very little, only when absolutely necessary.  More for my own sanity.

[kells76]

Hey, thanks for the update. Sounds like you're deciding how much, or if, to interact with her, based on what's best for your mental health and well being. Kudos to you for that self care.
I'm sorry you felt so alone. I'm sure that's not what you wanted for your marriage. And especially on a day like yesterday.
How are you doing after yesterday?
Really glad you are still reaching out here.
kells76

[CrushedinOntario]

Hey, thanks for the update. Sounds like you're deciding how much, or if, to interact with her, based on what's best for your mental health and well being. Kudos to you for that self care.
I'm sorry you felt so alone. I'm sure that's not what you wanted for your marriage. And especially on a day like yesterday.
How are you doing after yesterday?
Really glad you are still reaching out here.
kells76

Idk, OK I guess.  And no, never thought we'd ever end up here until the past few years, where I started to realize this was looking more and more like our fate.  I decided against confronting her about the lack of connection in our relationship pre-affair because I think I knew she would never change anything about herself or how she was in the relationship based on all the attempts I'd already been making (including 3 marriage counsellors that she chose but refused to go back after one meeting).

It's all such a disappointing end, but one that I can now see was coming all along.  When I put up the boundary when discussing any possible reconciliation post affair, that appears to have sealed my fate.  I'm no longer useful to her because I expect her to carry some weight in the relationship and actually provide affection and even sex from time to time.