Still struggling, feel like I will feel this way forever

[theweekend]

Hello all 

I have been reading posts on here and have found the approaches and responses very helpful, so I thought I would make my own post.

I began dating X two years ago. We didn’t date for more than six months, however, it was full of the usual lovebombing/devaluing/discarding.

The final discard came when X flew into a rage over something very minor. This took place in front of other people, and I was stunned. This came out of the blue – earlier that same day we were laughing and joking together. By the end of the day, X wanted nothing to do with me.

There was intermittent contact afterwards, but X was acting erratically – one moment X would be angry, the next I would be being ignored or chastised for doing something wrong. As we were working in the same office at the time, I found everything very overwhelming as I had to remain ‘OK’ in front of other people but in reality, I was totally destroyed and confused.

On one occasion X told me – during an angry phone call – that we could try and be friends, and that X would see me the following week at work. After that, X ignored me completely.

As ignoring me was something X had done many times before, I was not viewing it as a final measure, as I typically would with someone else. We had gone through a few rounds of push/pull, and it appeared that being tentative with contact would get X to reply again, eventually.

However, this never happened. We were in the same office for around another year, and X continued acting as if I didn’t exist – looking past me in corridors, etc. It felt like every time X ignored me it would reopen the wound, so to speak.

I had been reaching out to X every so often, asking why this was being done to me. I spent hours writing emails, using techniques such as DEARMAN and other scripts designed to be cautious with people who were avoidant/personality disordered.

Everything I wrote was very empathetic, rational, calm, and kind. Again though, every time I was ignored and then encountered X at work with the ignoring, it felt very triggering and overwhelming.

Again, I really do understand that someone ignoring you means they don't want to talk, but I had been engaging in this dynamic with X for almost two years at this point, coupled with suffering severe CPTSD symptoms caused by the discard and the almost every day occurrence of being ignored by X in person.

X eventually did respond. During this call I learn that X had dated other people, and “hadn’t really thought about” what had happened between us. X apologised, said they could have handled things better, said I hadn’t deserved what happened, and that they had sabotaged things between us. I then asked if we could be friends – X said no.


X told me I had been spiteful in my emails (I hadn’t been rude or insulting at all), and that I was toxic, and that X couldn’t be friends with someone like that. (This is something X has said in the past and within the week been dating me again). X also said they couldn’t be friends because things get too “intense” between us – which is correct.

However, I have been thinking about this for a while now, and feel that the whole thing is just unfair. I didn’t do anything (which X admitted) but now the situation has become so complex that I am now not allowed to be in this person’s life, when I didn’t even create the situation. I don’t understand why X would admit to being at fault for everything but then, within five minutes, tell me that I am the reason we can’t be friends. They acknowledged ignoring me, and that it was the wrong thing to do, describing it as a "coping mechanism"

I feel very excluded and rejected – X is friends with all kinds of people that they barely know, yet it is only me that has been cut off.

At this stage – I haven’t said that I WILL do this – I feel like calling X or writing a short letter. I don’t know what purpose this would serve. I feel like I am not a toxic person, and that I have been removed from this person’s life without even so much as a chance to discuss it, or how it’s made me feel. It feels totally unfair.

I have complete understanding of someone who doesn’t want to date a person anymore, but it all took place within twenty minutes, and I never saw X again (apart from in the office, but I was being ignored)

I am now in therapy but I am still struggling so much with emotional flashbacks and rumination. I feel like I am going to feel like this forever. I just don’t know what to do, anymore. I feel like this person has gone on to a better life and I've just been forgotten. Even worse is that even though two years have passed, it feels like only a few months. Whenever I am reminded of the two year timeframe, I feel great shame, and that I 'should' be over this, now.

(I would ask that I don’t have any blunt responses, because I find this very difficult to talk about and I can often be triggered by blunt/dogmatic “move on!” type answers, thank you)

[once removed]

you wont feel this way forever.

but the hard trick to feeling differently is making the determination that the relationship is over, and letting it go, when and if youre ready to do that. and generally speaking, then it will feel worse...but then, slowly but surely, it will feel better.

and it isnt that easy, either. its the difficult process of detaching and grieving, and Bargaining is generally a part of that. it was for me, too. the injustice and unfairness of it all, all of the things i wanted to say. i never got the chance. at the time, it drove me crazy. today, its ancient history.

it helped to have a good support system (youve found a great place) and to do a lot of writing.

figuratively (or literally, for that matter) it takes a lot of screaming into, and punching pillows. but pursuing answers from an ex whom is in no place to give them only prolongs attachment, and pain.

also, one thing that helped me the most was letting go of the idea that i "should be over it", or pressuring myself to do so. this is grief (among other things). if this person had died, you wouldnt say that to yourself. it makes it a lot easier to process when we accept the situation, and how we feel about it, for what they are.

welcome to the family. know that it really does get better.

[B53]

the weekend,

Sorry you are going through this. I know what it is like to be the only one in the group that is being ignored. Besides the fact that it is difficult to move on after a BPD relationship, it must be even harder when you have to see her everyday. That would have to make it even more difficult to move forward. Is it possible to find a way that you can avoid seeing her? What I found interesting about myself, was that when I was being ignored, I felt shamed, like there was something wrong with me. I was actually trying to be nice, keep the peace, when I did nothing wrong. How messed up was that?

The answer to the question why, when you didn’t even do anything, is because she has BPD. She has a mental illness, that you didn’t cause!

I am glad you are in therapy. Even though therapists might be more aware of the dynamics of BPD, I’m not sure anyone could totally understand unless they have lived through it. Reading posts helped me. It blows my mind every time I read a story that I feel I could have written, but always makes me feel less alone.

This group is here for you.
B53

[Mr. Kelly]

The weekend,

I think I am a lot like you, and I respond in very similar ways. We look for reasons as to why someone has treated us unkindly kindly or unfairly. As we know, the truth is, we may never know the reason, and this page exists as a temporary answer.  Albeit, a very good temporary answer.

But the real answer lies in your soul. Are you looking for validation from this fellow? Similar to me, I have to face the facts. I can only validate myself and make myself feel better. That hasn’t been easy over the last year and a half that I have been with someone that has a mental illness. She seems to be out of my life at this time, and I have no choice but to try to see this as an opportunity to regain who I want to be in this body and in the years I have left in this life.

I, too, feel like I have a mental illness, of sorts, but not nearly to the extent that my borderline lady friend has. My mental illness has one big symptom, and that is a great big giant hole in this heart. Where this hole has come from is complicated… It could be part genetic… It’s definitely part environmental… One way or the other, it’s only me that can fill that hole. Only me. I tend to believe that if I find a loving partner like my borderline, the world will be whole, and I will be free of the chains of my own mental illness.

I’m starting to get too old to buy into that dream, though. And I have learned, through other traumas not related to romance, that I can indeed make myself happier, whether I am partnered or not. It’s taking a lot of being knocked around in situations like ours to come to this conclusion, and I still constantly want to rip my heart out in pain… but I am starting to understand that I can find happiness outside of my partner, since she is currently, and perhaps permanently, unavailable.

I feel good when I am with a special friend. I feel good when I play music with my music mates. I feel good when I’m out with my daughter riding bikes with her. I have to keep myself focused on those things that make me feel good.

Sadly, the way our culture works in the western world, family has become less part of it… I have no family around, outside of my teenage daughter, and that’s tough. It shouldn’t be that way. But it is.

You and I have a choice, and we have to make that choice. That choice is happiness. I believe happiness comes through action, rather than inaction, and trust me… I’m guilty of inaction almost more often than not.

When I choose action, I feel happy. I hope the same for you. I feel for you, and to some degree, metaphorically speaking, I am you right now. I am hopeful for both of us that it won’t be long, though.

[theweekend]

the hard trick to feeling differently is making the determination that the relationship is over, and letting it go

This is very hard to do, yes. I find that sometimes I am in this mindset, accepting that we are no longer in contact & can't be friends. But a lot of the time it's as if I am still waiting for reconciliation of some sort. The ending didn't seem that bad - it only happened once, and we were 'fine' before that. So I suppose I feel like well, what's the problem? I recognise that I do need to work on acceptance more, but as you say, it's just hard. Sometimes when I do realise it's not coming back, I feel awful, almost frightening how low I can feel.

the difficult process of detaching and grieving, and Bargaining is generally a part of that.

I didn't realise that I was 'bargaining' - it's helpful that someone has objectively seen that I'm in this stage. Feels like I switch between bargaining, acceptance, depression. If I could just say X and Y, if only they could just see that what happened wasn't that much of a big deal, if only they could just reach out, etc. I did at one point take an interest in astrology and manifestation, hoping that these things would bring about some kind of reconciliation, but soon realised they wouldn't. Also the urge to explain to X why the things they said about me were incorrect, etc - I didn't realise this was bargaining. Very helpful to hear this from someone, thank you.

pursuing answers from an ex whom is in no place to give them only prolongs attachment, and pain.

That's true. Any and every time I have spoken to X, there have been things said and done that have added to the list of things I need to get over. A good portion of the pain doesn't even come from the actual break up, but things that were said and done afterwards; for example our final conversation almost two years after the break up. That conversation only opened a whole bunch of things for me, and added to the problems. It seems that any interaction with the person, even if they don't respond, is very harmful for me. I don't know how I'd go about being 'friends' or getting back into a relationship with that person when even having a conversation with them reopens wounds  

one thing that helped me the most was letting go of the idea that i "should be over it", or pressuring myself to do so. this is grief (among other things). if this person had died, you wouldnt say that to yourself. it makes it a lot easier to process when we accept the situation, and how we feel about it, for what they are.

This is interesting. I think because at one point I spent time posting on other relationship forums, and sometimes you'd get a response such as "It's been long enough now, get over it!" - which became something that was drilled into my head.. made me feel defective in some way. Other people may have been able to get over it quickly, but I think because of my own personal history, FOO, etc - it's just affecting me more/in different ways. I feel frustration when I realise I'm not over it, and X is out there living life not even thinking about me - makes me feel pathetic, or stupid. But again, perhaps this is my own perception on the matter and I should just... well, when I have just said to myself "OK, maybe this is going to take a little longer than I thought" I've felt more relaxed about it, less stressed. So yeah. I think this is important too.

Thank you, Once Removed, for this answer. Really very helpful and insightful.

[theweekend]

And also thank you to the other two posters who responded here, I really appreciate the time taken to write out your responses. 

[theweekend]

I think also I have to really keep trying to understand the true motives of my urge to make contact.

I tell myself it's because I want to clear things up that were said about me, but I know that's not the real reason. And that, even if I did make contact, I think it's unlikely that X would be receptive or that it would result in what I want to happen (us meeting up), and seems more likely, based on X's previous behaviour with me, that I'll be blocked/insulted/degraded/dismissed before I could even get to what I wanted to say (which is what happened the last time we spoke, I was snapped at for simply taking a few seconds silence to think about what I wanted to say, for example).

I don't know if X would really treat me well, if we did get in contact. I don't really trust their motives, words, or actions. For all the claiming of being in therapy and being a better person, the last phone call we had didn't really show me any signs of true change. I was still gaslighted and snapped at, and the very same patterns were there, in terms of things X would say that were incorrect & confusing. So I don't know to what degree this person has 'changed', really.

If I sent an email, it would probably be ignored. And really, my own dignity and self-respect is important too, as well as my mental health. I don't want to make contact, have to try and convince someone why they should talk to me, or want to be in my life again - especially when it wasn't even my actions that led to it breaking down. I'm also wary of further contact erasing the ending we had where I was apologised to. While the apology didn't really help much because I didn't feel it genuine (and just too late, really) - I think re-entering a hostile space with X would be even more damaging. If I got in contact and X became angry or annoyed with me again, there would be no way to change that, and then I'd probably start feeling urges to get in touch to try and get back to a 'good' ending.

So yeah, I can see that contact with X is really the last thing I should be doing. There's no safe way to do so that doesn't result in significant impact on my mental and emotional health.

Hopefully my second therapy session on Monday will give me some more insight.

[Goosey]

N/c is hard at first. Then as your life becomes calmer it may change to you really not wanting any contact. I mean who really needs that drama in their life. Life is too short to be a whipping post forever.

[once removed]

I think also I have to really keep trying to understand the true motives of my urge to make contact.

the silent treatment, being ghosted, or just generally being cut off can really hurt.

i met a girl one night i hit it off with (or so i thought at least), and never heard back from her the next day, or again. it stung. i wondered why, of course. ill never know, and the truth is, she may not have much in terms of a reason.

the point is that no one appreciates being in that position. its not made any better having to be around them and being actively ignored. it keeps it prominent in your mind.

pursuing it is ultimately picking at the wound.

there arent really good answers that he could give you that would help you heal that wound...there rarely ever are. think of the thousands of songs written by ex lovers wanting closure. he may not have the answers. or you may not like the answers. or the answers may reflect where he is now, rather than what he was thinking at the time, or even vice versa. they may only reflect part of the reality, in a way that would still leave you struggling to get to the bottom of it.

it doesnt mean though, that you cant ultimately get to the bottom of it, and find that closure youre seeking. it starts with understanding your motives to make contact, yes. when youre able to do that, it becomes easier to see things objectively, and step back (detach) from them.

its also worth understanding that the relationship likely didnt end in one fell swoop, where he cut you off. relationships break down in stages. sometimes they just explode, and that can feel very sudden to one party, and catch them by surprise.

[theweekend]

its also worth understanding that the relationship likely didnt end in one fell swoop, where he cut you off. relationships break down in stages. sometimes they just explode, and that can feel very sudden to one party, and catch them by surprise.

I think...I agree with this. I have been in other situations where it's felt sudden, but in hindsight I could see that there were many smaller problems that led to an ending. Here, it really was an overnight switch. The ending came immediately after a disagreement over food. We'd spent almost every day together up until then, and there were no arguments, no problems. So I do agree with what you're saying, and have been in those positions before, I just feel that this situation was just sudden with no underlying issue. I don't even think they knew they were going to do that, to be honest. I don't even know. I suppose the point is that it happened, and that I need to stop trying to understand it, because that isn't going to change anything.

I think at this stage I'm not really seeking any more answers - there isn't really anything else that could be said, by that person. My wanting to get in touch is purely driven by missing the person, wanting to be with them. But I know it can't happen. So. I have to work on detaching more, I suppose. It's true that further contact of any sort just picks at the scab. I don't feel that any contact at all would help me - it just adds to the confusion and pain.

[Goosey]

  It seems you have a grasp of what you experiencing and moving through the stages  of grief.  It’s so hard. You will and are getting through ok. I can paste and copy haha but you stated you “no longer looking for answers” about what happened. To me that’s the “oh well” moment. I had it just a while back. And it’s a relief to just be a bit sad and melancholy occasionally instead of driving around crying and on the hamster wheel of “why! Why!   
    It’s been a surreal experience for me. My one regret is I spent four years in torment with my own feelings.  I have no idea how I survived. I thank the few friends left who where patient and offered advice and most importantly reassurance I  am not the monster I was brainwashed into think I was.   I made it through and  you will also.
   The dreaded “stages of grief” are tough but necessary. 

[Goosey]

And “no contact” in my experience was the Only way to regain self balance. Very important.