Blowing the whistle on my brother

[Couscous]

Recently my brother’s sister disclosed to me that their marriage is abusive and that their two daughters have been affected by the high level of continual conflict. I finally decided that I needed to inform my parents and siblings, which I did yesterday, in a group email, and asked if we should get some family counseling in order to figure out how to handle this situation. My sister immediately flipped her lid and informed me that she was going to block me. My (divorced) parents so far have have sent no response even though it has now been 24 hours since I sent the email.

I assume that it is hopeless endeavor on my part to think that my family will rally together and make a stand on this, but I would be interested in hearing from anyone who has had a similar experience and have some insight or advice.

[Methuen]

Hi Couscous,

my brother’s sister

I admit I'm confused about the relationship of this person to you Couscous. Is this your half sister, or a sister of both you and your brother? Or maybe a sister in law?  Is your brother the person who is abusive?

My sister immediately flipped her lid

Abuse is a very general term, and your post doesn't talk about the abuse you are referring to, so I'm finding it tricky to respond.  Abuse within a family is very very complicated, and requires a lot of delicacy.  The victims may feel shame, embarrassment, awkwardness, and the abuser is likely to deny, and feel anger or rage, which can make the situation worse for the victims.  It sounds like the sister was upset, since she blocked you.  Is your sister who flipped out a sister to both you and your brother?  Abuse is a very personal, risky, and difficult issue within a family.  Having private conversations with extended family might be appropriate assuming the person(s) experiencing the abuse has given their consent for those conversations with those people. Alternately, they might have other ideas how you can support them.

 Is everybody in the family safe?  

Sometimes family members don't know how to respond to something so difficult, so maybe that could explain not getting a response?  Sometimes people are uncomfortable getting involved, or they may believe it's not their business.

Can you tell us more about the abuse you are referring to?

[Couscous]

Oh sorry, I meant my brother’s wife — can’t figure out how to edit it.

It’s emotional and psychological abuse, not physical. His main tactics are extended silent treatment that goes on for *years*, treating her with absolute contempt and insinuating that they could be getting divorced at essentially any moment. She has delusions of grandeur and has decided that she is going to “save” him and provide him with a “corrective emotional experience”, so I have given up hope for her. It’s my nieces that I am concerned about and feel that it’s important for us to get the message across to them that our family does not condone my brother’s treatment of their mother.

[Methuen]

Aha brother's wife makes sense.  (To edit, you can click on the "modify" button which shows on the right beside "excerpt" for a limited period of time after you've already hit save )

Do you live close to your brother?  Regarding the nieces, probably the best thing you can do is "keep an open door", so they always know they have a welcoming place to visit.  Maybe "movie nights", or "sleepovers" if that is age appropriate for them, or "playdough visits" if they are younger, or outdoor activities such as hiking or biking with you if they are older.  So foster a strong relationship with them, but before saying anything negative about their dad, I would get a good read on their relationship with each parent. If they bring up problems with their dad, that's different, and you can listen and support.  But if you say negative things about their dad, and one or both of them get defensive and tells their dad, he can cut off their contact with you and say you can't see them any more.  There's a lot of threads on this board about those kinds of problems.

Things can get unpredictable in these situations, and it sounds like you want to support your nieces and have a relationship with them, so I would exercise caution how you approach things.  

Families can be messy, form alliances, scapegoats, and all kinds of bad behavior can result.  I would focus on building a healthy relationship with your nieces, and letting them know they are always welcome to spend time with you (if that is the case).  

I'm curious about your sister's reaction ("flipping her lid").  Why do you think she reacted this way?  

[Couscous]

So your suggestion of fostering a strong connection with my nieces has been a painful reminder for me about how truly noxious this situation is. It really struck a nerve because my sister, who is my brother’s enabling caretaker, has worked very hard over the years to undermine any attempt at my building a relationship with my eldest niece, who now refuses to come over to my house and seems to be shunning my 6 year old son who loves her dearly. My brother has a pattern of doing this and also turned her against my mother when she was 11 years old.

I have already been scapegoated by my brother, his wife and my sister who talk about me (and everyone else in my family) negatively in front of my nieces. The youngest hasn’t been poisoned yet, but I assume she will also ‘get with the program’ eventually.

My brother (who probably is a BPD/NPD) has essentially been using access to my nieces as a way to blackmail me into submitting to his dominance of our family subsystem consisting of four siblings who all live in the same area. The threat of being cut off from the nieces is the same way he keeps my enabling sister in line who greatly fears this possibility, especially because a couple of months ago my 16 year old niece began ignoring her text messages...like father, like daughter I guess.
 
I recently stood up to my brother I am bracing myself for the very real possibility that I may not be able to see either of my nieces again until they leave home, and that this may also be the case for my sons, and I believe my brother will be absolutely delighted with this outcome. Perhaps I should be thankful that this will at least prevent my sons from being exposed to these toxic family dynamics. If I hadn’t been so enmeshed with my siblings I probably would have walked away from this years ago...

[GaGrl]

An interesting perspective to take is what is healthy and best for you and your son's first, then what you might be able to do in terms of support for your extended, toxic family.

What did you and your sons need now?

[Couscous]

An interesting perspective to take is what is healthy and best for you and your son's first, then what you might be able to do in terms of support for your extended, toxic family.

What did you and your sons need now?

For some reason the thought of depriving them of having a relationship with their cousins is highly triggering for me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my mother (illegally) took us out of the country after my parent’s divorced which severed my relationship with my own cousins. My sister also has told me that distancing myself from my brother in order to put the needs of my sons first is selfish, and has threatened to cut me off if I do not continue to try to ‘resolve things’ with my brother.

[Methuen]

For some reason the thought of depriving them of having a relationship with their cousins is highly triggering for me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my mother (illegally) took us out of the country after my parent’s divorced which severed my relationship with my own cousins. My sister also has told me that distancing myself from my brother in order to put the needs of my sons first is selfish, and has threatened to cut me off if I do not continue to try to ‘resolve things’ with my brother.

Couscous, it sounds like there is a lot going on here.  Your mother divorced your father and then left the country with you and your siblings, separating you from all family.  For siblings, you mention your brother (BPD/NPD) and sister (enabler).  Are there any other siblings?   Being taken out of the country from your family would explain why you feel the cousins not seeing each other would be "deprivation".  It makes me sad that you were separated from your family including cousins, when they were important to you.  I can see why that would heavily influence the value you put on the relationship between your children and their cousins, despite all the family dysfunction.  However, the words and behaviors of your brother and sister are out of your control.  All you can control is how you respond.  Best not to JADE with them (justify, argue, defend or explain yourself) as this will only escalate the conflict.  I have learned the best thing I can do sometimes, is not respond at all, and the BPD doesn't know what to do with that, because they seem to need conflict.  I don't want to contribute to that chaos because it makes me feel worse. 

Your sister will say what she thinks, but that doesn't make it right, true, or a fact.  It's just her feeling.  You can have your own thoughts and feelings, which may be different than hers, and "true" for you.  I think your sister's thinking seems distorted.  It is much healthier to see it is our responsibility to look after our own well-being and that of our children first.  How can we support others, if we can't even support our own well-being?  Your sister and brother don't sound emotionally well, so don't put too much energy into what they say.  Prior to take-off, the airlines instruct us to put on our own oxygen mask before our children's, for a reason.  It is the same principle.

So, what can you do today for yourself today that will make you feel better?   A bubble bath, yoga, karate, a hobby, or a fun activity with your children, or...?  One day at a time...