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Author Topic: Not meeting needs  (Read 191 times)
summersummer
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: not together
Posts: 2


« on: May 03, 2021, 12:50:19 PM »

Hi - just out of a crazy seven year BPD relationship - in all fairness, I didnt know about BPD until abt 6ys in - was always trying to put my finger on what was so hard with this relationship, it wasnt until i started couseling abt a year ago that my therepist brought it up he may suffer from BPD. Since then ive learned so much, esp on trauma bonding - ahhh!  Ans I have been accused of almost eeveryhing in this entire world I could write a book Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I truly dont know how someone with BPD doesnt laugh at themselves for some of the things theyve said/ accused one of. Anyhoo have for group - the one, constant/ ongoing thing the BPD said to me over entire 7 years was - you have never met my needs.

I cant figure out that one - no one can meet anyones needs all the time, and it he felt that way, why did he stay for 7 years.
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Rex31807

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 35


« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2021, 02:44:27 PM »

For me it was like trying to fill a bucket that has a big hole in it.  No matter how hard you try its never enough.  Let me make a wild assumption and guess that you were the one giving constantly? 

The problem i also had was the constant yelling and screaming.  It was awful. It was demeaning and belittling. I could never do enough to please her.

After a while i felt shell shocked. I am finally moving on after 13 wasted years.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2021, 11:11:09 AM »

Excerpt
the one, constant/ ongoing thing the BPD said to me over entire 7 years was - you have never met my needs.

Hey summer summer, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about your b/u, but am glad you have parted ways with your SO.  Those w/BPD frequently shift the blame for their unhappiness to the Non, which gets it off their plate and onto your.  It stems, in my view, from an unwillingness on the part of the pwBPD to take responsibility for his/her own problems.  No, you can't meet someone else's needs all the time, nor should you try.  Why he stayed is his issue, not yours, so I suggest you let it go.  Instead, you may find it worthwhile to figure out why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 16


« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2021, 11:35:19 AM »

In a BPD relationship it is ALWAYS your fault(the non-BPD), I've lived with it for 25 years.. rift with his brother-my fault, his dad's issues - my fault, children get a B on a test; my fault.. I've learnt to ignore it simply because in his non-BPD moments he is the exact opposite and he realizes what an a** he is and acknowledges how difficult it is to live with him and he is appreciative of me and the children.
Ultimately its a plus/minus equation, if there are enough pluses you can ignore the minuses is how I look at it.








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Cromwell
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1941



« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2021, 07:50:43 AM »

We all have beliefs that will have an emotional aspect to back them up. To varying extents. In bpd its super charged. Emotions feel like facts.
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What if you didn't take things personally?

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OutOfEgypt
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1056



« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2021, 09:14:07 AM »

Hi - been a while since I've written here.  So sorry that you're going through this.  I know it's quite an ordeal.

For my BPDEW, she's a constant victim.  Nobody has ever loved her right, in her mind.  Not me, not any of her family, not past friends who walked away from her because of her behavior, not her children who don't speak with her.  It's all their fault.  But then again, that's her focus, too.  Her focus is and has always been that others in her family circle never meet her needs and always let her down.  That becomes the basis upon which she blames, retaliates, punishes, lies, manipulates, and gets others to see how "justified" she is in what she does.  It's a smokescreen, all theatrics.  A big part of her having any relationship is finding someone who will buy into her victim narrative and seek to join the "support team."  This, of course, is totally backwards and is totally against how anyone can have a happiness or a functional relationship.  But it's always someone else's fault.

So, why did she hang on with me for so long?  I'm convinced that part of the reason they stay is because they *are* getting something from us.  In my situation, she was getting comfort, she was getting security (I had a good job), and most importantly she was getting someone to blame who would also take that blame. As long as she was with me, she got the comforts she wanted while having someone to blame to her friends who was also believing it was all his fault and constantly trying harder to make it work.  That whole thing supports her false narrative and allows her to continue to walk in denial and self-deception.  Who would want to leave that?  Her intention was 100% to live off of me, let me take care of her, go back to college and finish (which would never happen, because she still cannot finish anything she starts), and continue to have other men on the side, lying to me about every one of them.  That was her plan.  When your whole identity and life rests upon a false narrative, you *have* to keep that alive, or you have to find someone else who will fill the roles.

The other part is that it's about staying on top of the relationship.  It was not a problem for her to leave me, but it was not acceptable for me to leave her.  It's about control, about who is on top.  If our relationship was to end (and thankfully it did!), it going to be on her terms -with her as the neglected or abused one, and me the failure who was left in a broken heap. After the divorce, when she saw that I was moving on, she came crying to me, all apologies, telling me she "knows" there's something wrong with her and agreed to go to counseling.  Reluctantly, I broke it off with someone I was dating and accepted her back.  She was suddenly so affectionate and sweet and kind.  We had lots of sex, and it was like a honeymoon all over again.  Like a flash of lightning, she weaseled her way back in and moved back into the house.  As soon as she moved back in and had re-established our relationship and her place in my house, the switch flipped and it was back to the same thing -literally to the day.  Within two months, I found she was cheating on me again, torturing me, and it took me the next 5 months to evict her from my house.  Then it was back to crying about how she always thought we would grow old together, etc. etc.  It's about who has control, who leaves who.
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Hope 2021

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Relationship status: Forced Separated
Posts: 11


« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2021, 06:48:22 AM »

Sorry to hear about what happened to you!   As "outofegypt" mentioned, what I can tell you is that partners with BDP often established unrealistic expectations and their emotional needs are based on constant reassurance and acceptance.   As I said, their reality of life is absolutely from a difference dimension and without the proper therapy, it doesn't matter how many times they comeback to you trying to give it another try.   I did it for 20 plus years and my last fiasco was late last year.   They go in cycles when their stress environment increases in a way that the only way they survive is by looking for others to sooth their pain, emotional needs and reassurance.   It doesn't matter what you do, what you didn't do, or what you haven't done.   For them, you are an obstacle in achieving their goal of feeling needed, not knowing that there is more in life as a whole than being selfish.   They don't look at the consequences as they always find a way to convince themselves that what they are doing is the only choice and the right choice.   This is how they survive during these periods as they block any feelings of guilt and remorse.   Like I said, I love my wife to moon and back, but her reality of what family, respect and love is black and white, nothing in the middle, and compromise is not in the vocabulary.   I feel for you my friend, but you have to stop blaming yourself for their problems.   When it comes to BDP, the more you try to make your partner see their problems, the more they push away.   Stay strong!
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