Struggling and Seeking Help

[HopefulHusband]

I've been with my wife, J, for 10 years, married 8. We met and fell in love in law school. By all external measures, our lives are materially safe, we're both professionally successful, and relatively healthy.

Things have not been great in our relationship for some time. Or, more accurately put, things are pretty great much of the time, and then they blow up.

We've been in and out of marriage counseling for the last year after J had a massive breakdown last year and I left. J is finally on meds and seeing a personal therapist regularly. I've gone on anxiety meds and been seeing my own therapist regularly, too. However, things are still chaotic. I want the chaos to let up, but at times it feels like I have no control.

Throughout our marriage J has threatened divorce. Sometimes as a means to get her way on a financial matter. Sometimes I think just to scare me. Over the last year, she's threatened divorce many times. Told friends and family members we're getting divorced (without even telling me she's thinking about it!). She recently did it again, last week claiming that she's serious about it this time. The purported reason? Because I got upset at her for contacting a divorce lawyer--she claims she just wanted to explore her "options," but my reaction is the end.

Like the other times, this doesn't make much sense to me. We have been trying to work through issues in couples' counseling. But those seemed management and relatively minor. We've been having lots of sex. We've been spending good time together. We'd both been hitting goals at work. We were both really excited about our future together.

I met with our couples' counselor privately last week. She confirmed that she thinks J has BPD and that J's own therapist is aware of what's actually going on. I got that news about the BPD label just a few hours before J threatened divorce again.

I'm reaching out because I feel sad, desperate, and so tired of this. I love J so much. We're about to close on a house--our first house together--after I landed my dream job. We were supposed to move to the new city in a month. And now I'm barely treading water. This hit me so hard last week I started having suicidal ideations. I've reached out to my own mental health providers to deal with that and getting on some new meds to help. J has been, oddly enough, supportive of making sure I get help. But she's still insisting we're getting divorced. She claims divorce is the only way to "end the cycle." We're supposed to meet with our couple's counselor again in a few days.

Has anyone dealt with this and overcome it? I'm triggered by the constant threats of divorce. I love my wife so much. I have my own problems. I'm doing my best to own them. I just so desperately want us to be able to get through this. I don't want to give up on her or us.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

This hit me so hard last week I started having suicidal ideations. I've reached out to my own mental health providers to deal with that and getting on some new meds to help.

this will help. its a huge weight and a huge shock to the system, and that makes everything harder. im glad youve found support here, too. this place helped me immeasurably when i arrived a decade ago in distress.

its difficult to say to what extent the divorce threats are serious, and to what extent she gets something out of making them, and more recently, its difficult to say to what extent it is both.

there is likely more to it beyond that - things boiling up that you may not be privy to, in terms of her mental health, in terms of how she feels in/about the marriage. it is possible, even, that the future looking bright may have to do with it. when it comes to bpd, there is always the fear of the other shoe falling.

think hard on this. what has she said beyond talking about ending the cycle, and your reaction to her contacting a divorce lawyer?

[alterK]

Wow. Sounds like you are really having a hard time. Could it be that your wife uses tactics like threatening divorce because they work? What it is she wants to accomplish, it’s hard to say. Maybe she’s just trying to get you to act in certain ways. Maybe you are intended become the repository of her own feelings of distress, and so she unloads on you. However much distress you are feeling, she is probably experiencing even more and is desperate for relief, even if she’s doing it in dysfunctional ways and it’s at your expense.

Your only option is to change your behavior and hope that will produce some kind of favorable change in her. The downside of that is that if you change your responses, she may escalate. But that’s a chance you have to take. For me, books really helped. I searched on Amazon and found some that were really helpful. Got them on my Kindle because I was sure it would provoke my wife’s rage if she saw me reading them. And then, after I found this website, I looked under “Tools-Reviews” and found all the books I had read right there!

Obviously, you are trying hard. No matter what, you have a long road ahead of you. If you made it through law school, you are clearly a person capable of sustained, difficult work. If you haven't already, I suggest you try the books. I myself am still not out of the woods by any means, but I am feeling slightly better, having learned a bit more about how to cope, and how to understand a little more about my part in creating my marital mess.