wishing I had not broken up with him?

[an-cat-dubh]

Hi guys... This post might be a bit messy but I'm having terrible second thoughts about my break up right now, feeling panic and extreme anguish, I figured posting here might help. I broke it off with my boyfriend of 4 years 4 months ago. He was intelligent and creative in a way I had given up on finding in a man; witty, affectionnate, the life of the party. I felt I had found the one. First 3-4 months were pure bliss. He was undiagnosed but knew he had issues, he told me he "used to be much worse" as he's in his early 40s. I spent much of our time together nursing him. I don't know if he was clinically depressed but he was emotionally demanding, like he had a great black hole inside of him. His ups were equally high obviously but you know how that goes. We had a real savior/victim relationship. He held on to me for dear life. This is a relationship pattern I have (saving people). Initially he often drunk to self-soothe, sometimes starting arguments with me for imaginary reasons. We had a really rought year as he lost his job and his friends because of some drama with his ex whom he told me was a crazy angry harpy who bullied him but whom his friends all liked. I knew something was off but was in love. He got angry when I tried to show him their point of view. He had a nervous breakdown one time when I changed my mind about living with him straight away. From then on he decided I had a brutal side to me.

Our r/s got much better when we moved to the country and away from his triggers, pretty much. We were very very happy. I convinced myself our first year had been a crisis and this newfound peace was his normal state. In retrospect sheltering himself from the world was probably the only way he could function. But that also cut him off from a social life he craved, and from working. He didn't get a job again.

A year ago, after two happy months of lockdown alone together, a friend of mine whom he doesn't like came to visit and he was rude to her. When she left I was angry and told him so. I almost never get angry. He was devastated and replied I was violent. I tried explaining myself but he didn't get it, he was set on his idea of my violence. I realised that was his reality and it scared me. When I started crying he said "crying loudly is too easy". It made me cry harder as I felt attacked at my most vulnerable. He then said it was a joke. Anyway that made me realise that this countryside bliss was just a facade. Something switched in my mind. His problems were still there. From then on I started therapy since he had never wanted to himself (we had talked about it but I had dropped it after things got better.)

In therapy I started focusing on myself for a change. The psychologist talked about psychological violence and it scared me. In retrospect I wonder whether she might have gone somewhat overboard and I with it, I started thinking he was the violent one. He didn't understand why I was upset all of a sudden. I told him I needed a r/s where arguments were handled more peacefully, that I was scared of his reactions. He said we were fine 95% of the time (which was kinda true at that point) and I was creating drama over nothing.

His resisting my boundary setting made me angry. Therapy also released a lot of pent-up pain and anger in me from our early r/s. That made him spiral down. In August I told him I loved him but was scared of him because of our first year and a half and we couldn't work out if he didn't get therapy a well. He initially agreed but ultimately the feeling of rejection took over. He had moments of clarity, he even told me he "had been toxic" and maybe we should get couples therapy, but then he would revert back to his coping mechanisms.

Basically he was unable to listen to my grievances because he took them as personnal attacks. He said he should get a full therapy just to process my rejection of him; that I wanted to break up anyway. He suddenly moved away to the other side of the country and didn't come back. He said he needed to start over and give me some space, and then would tell me I had traumatised him. When I told him his moving away made me worried about the future he got really upset and accused me of not trusting him.

After a few sour long distance months I understood I could not force him to get the help I felt he needed and broke it off. It was heart wrenching. I was still madly in love with him. For a month he tried to get me back anyway he could but I had resolved to stick to my guns. Therapy was my boundary so to speak. I told him I hoped we might get back together in the future after he got help. I gave him addresses, he was finally interested. I listened to him and him to me, we talked and cried a lot, I felt he was perhaps finally understanding the whole thing. I didn't cut contact as he said the pain would make him go insane but tried to lower contact slowly. He suddenly stopped contacting me. I tried to move on but kept hoping the break up had perhaps shocked him into therapy. No contact was horrible. After two months and a half I gave in and contacted him again but it seems he has moved on. He said he didn't expect to hear back from me, that it made him sad, and then he stopped replying. From his social media I think he started seeing someone else pretty soon after he stopped messaging me.  He keeps posting pictures of his new social life.

I know rationally, and typing this helps me see it even more clearly, that I probably made the right choice. He's unable to stand on his own two feet. But I can't stop wondering whether things might have worked out if I had been able to handle him better. If I had stayed when he became conciliatory and perhaps willing to do the work.

I know he's in my city this week to get back all his stuff he left when he moved away suddenly last year. He's probably in the house we shared those beautiful moments in the country together in right now. I feel this is truly the end this time and I'm losing it. I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I feel scared of ever being in a relationship again. I feel like I can't live without him even though I know my friends and family are there for me. I am in excruciating emotional pain. Any help would be welcome.

[once removed]

two things helped soothe me when i was going through it.

I'm having terrible second thoughts about my break up right now, feeling panic and extreme anguish,

you dont have to do anything right now. as urgent as it feels right now, whatever happens will work itself out in the way its meant to.

I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I feel scared of ever being in a relationship again. I feel like I can't live without him even though I know my friends and family are there for me. I am in excruciating emotional pain. Any help would be welcome.

no matter what happens, you will not feel this way forever. your heart and mind are trying to make sense of things. they will.

part of the reason that it hurts is because you werent done when you said or thought you were. it happens; i told everyone around me that i wanted to break up with my ex, including her, and including myself, and i tried, many times. and then when she finally broke up with me i was devastated. when she jumped into a new relationship, shattered.

what i mean is, when you hold out hope, and someone shatters it, it becomes grief and despair, and heartache. its a shock to the system. it becomes second thoughts, doubts, guilt. it can become excruciating emotional pain.

it can help, in some small way, to see it for what it is: a broken heart and not, necessarily, the reality that this was the biggest mistake of your life. your feelings on that will work themselves out as your heart mends, i promise. for now, mend your heart. it does get better.

[butterflylover33]

Hey! I am currently going through the exact same thing right now. I broke up with him, and now I'm feeling intense pain, sadness, and guilt. I'm constantly second-guessing if it was the right thing to do and thinking about if he has moved on/blamed me/doesn't care about me anymore. I feel like I needed to do more to help him, and I miss him soo much. I think it's important for us to remember that when we broke things off, it's because we were looking out for ourselves as best we could. We made the decision after thinking about it for so long because we knew that we needed to trust ourselves. It's so easy to forget the bad times now and fall into idealizing the relationship again, and I think that is the hardest part. I miss him, and it hurts even more to think that he doesn't miss me.

[an-cat-dubh]

thanks for your thoughtful replies.

I think it's important for us to remember that when we broke things off, it's because we were looking out for ourselves as best we could. We made the decision after thinking about it for so long because we knew that we needed to trust ourselves. It's so easy to forget the bad times now and fall into idealizing the relationship again, and I think that is the hardest part. I miss him, and it hurts even more to think that he doesn't miss me.

part of the reason that it hurts is because you werent done when you said or thought you were. it happens; i told everyone around me that i wanted to break up with my ex, including her, and including myself, and i tried, many times. and then when she finally broke up with me i was devastated. when she jumped into a new relationship, shattered.

That's it right there. I find it so difficult to know what the right decision is. I agonised over breaking up or staying for months and something in me knew I had to do it despite it being insanely difficult.

once removed, how do you explain this thinking you're ready and then not really being it?

I gave in two days ago and sent him a message saying I wished I could have seen him before he left forever, that I missed him and had regrets. To my surprise he agreed to meet up and we did. He told me he had indeed moved on. That our paths were different now that he's moved elsewhere. To my even greater surprise he told me he had started therapy though he's not 100% convinced it'll be useful to him. I'm not sure he really wants to change. He admitted his move was him running away from our issues. He's not actually seeing someone though he is spending a great amount of time with a girl, he says he's too traumatised to be in a r/s again, he realises he is only stable when he's not in one. He acknowledged we both had our shares of issues in the r/s, though I suspect we still don't perceive what happened in the same way.

We talked and cried and I felt immensely relieved. Interestingly when he agreed to meet up I oscillated between elation and making up fantasies, and dread, dread because deep down I cannot erase the pain he put me through and I'm still scared of it. I realised maybe it was for the best. I feel part of my difficulty in letting go are my own insecurities and deep attachement issues, ie I know why I broke up but cannot bear separation. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it.

I'm quite ashamed of myself now as I have probably set him back. He sent me a text afterwards saying this reunion had troubled him. I feel this was super selfish of me. But I spent weeks of agony trying to stop myself from contacting him and the idea that he would no longer have a reason to come back to my area sent me into full panick mode. Not a very mature attitude :/

[once removed]

I feel part of my difficulty in letting go are my own insecurities and deep attachement issues, ie I know why I broke up but cannot bear separation. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it.

i think this is a helpful way to see it, one that will ultimately help you detach. it took me a long time, but looking back, a lot of my agonizing over the breakup was more about me than it was about her.

some of it is likely shock. for example, there is no "good" way to lose a loved one, but a person will react differently to say, being at the bedside of a loved one who peacefully goes in their sleep, surrounded by their loved ones, everyone having gotten to say what they wanted to say, and no real surprise when it happens, vs say, finding out that a loved one was violently murdered in the streets. neither is pleasant, but theyre two very different things to process.

and remember, you are grieving, and you should honor that grief. it was a four year long relationship. my own was three. there were, no doubt, a lot of special times. it is a loss, and its one that no matter how prepared you might have felt at one time, you werent necessarily ready for.

I'm quite ashamed of myself now as I have probably set him back. He sent me a text afterwards saying this reunion had troubled him. I feel this was super selfish of me.

i dont mean to minimize your feelings about this, but its not as if the guy had no choice in the matter.

[an-cat-dubh]

Right, he could say no if he wanted to. This has set us back a little with I love yous and all as the meeting was very emotional, but ultimately I feel it's also easier in the long run -since we've acknowledged it could not work as we are today-

to him because it will stop him seeing me as a horrible person who abandonned him for no particular reason (he seemed to not remember why I had left him even though we had talked all of our issues to death before the break up. But I reminded him of them) and seeing himself as not being worthy of love
and to me because... it reminds me of the reasons as well haha, and because it worked well as closure and helped with my own distress at having had to sever ties to someone I was so extremely and somewhat unhealthily attached to.

I hate causing pain to people and tend to blow it out of proportion in my head, I also feel guilty for no reason pretty much all the time so being the one to break up was extremely hard for me. Now that I see he can go on without me I feel a lot better. Now to work on loving someone who doesn't need saving. That means staying single and taking care of myself first.

Thank you for helping me out!