Nightmare on February Fourteenth

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I originally posted on this forum after my final breakup with my ex about 3 years ago, and it was of great help to me. This community is an absolute Godsend for the feelings that follow these types of relationships and an excellent resource for new knowledge, so I am here calling on you all once more.

As I said, my ex and I broke up almost exactly 3 years ago to the day. We were together a little over a year. Knowing what I know now, I realize that I was ultimately the one that instigated the break up, a fact which I had for some reason repressed. I can recall the exact moment.

On Valentine's Day, which was about a month before our one year mark, she sent me the most beautiful text message I had ever received in my life. I was in awe of how committed to the future between us she seemed to be.

Five days later, she went through my phone, as she tended to do against my wishes, accused me of cheating on her once again, and threatened to leave if it were true (it wasn't). At this point I realized things would never change between us and no growth was ever going to happen.

So I distanced myself from her. This, of course, led to the infamous "I hate you, don't leave me" phase. Long story short, after a couple months, she stopped seeing me altogether, cheated on me, and left me over text for the replacement.

This relationship didn't last long for her, and it wasn't long before I checked her Facebook only to see that she was pining for attention from someone, anyone. I called her out on it over chat. She then proceeded to apologize for all the things she had done and told me that I still had her in any way I wanted.

She also told me she didn't remember why she even left.

I was still in pain, so while I hesitated, I ultimately resisted. She then messaged me the next day with the classic "I hope you're doing well...". I exploded on her about all of the things she had done to me. Radio silence followed.

That is, until she found her current "love" interest. She texted me a half naked photo, which I responded to. This caused her new lover to come after me ferociously over text and deny my story. Can't really blame him for that; I likely would have done similar.

Since then, I have not heard a single thing. That was about two and half years ago now. I started to get myself together, lost a bunch of weight, took my education a lot more seriously, and became open to the idea of dating once more.

Then I saw her again.

She came into the restaurant I work in part time with her boyfriend on Valentine's Day of this year. I was overcome with emotion, primarily anger. I don't know for certain if this was a coincidence or not; I'd like to believe it was. I did my best to ignore her, made zero eye contact, and got the hell out as soon as I could.

I couldn't evade the thoughts of her, though, as they started to invade, slowly but surely. The self-doubt followed. I was reliving the whole breakdown.

They've been together for a lot longer than we were; was I the problem? Was this supposed to be some sort of message? Am I just acting insane?

Thankfully, she hasn't reached out to me. I'm unsure of how I would respond.

I'm currently looking into getting therapy in order to get over whatever fixation I still have for this person. In the mean time, I wanted to see if any of you could offer me some words of wisdom in an attempt to put this in more of a logical perspective. I am having a hard time seeing clearly at this moment.

[RealiT]

I originally posted on this forum after my final breakup with my ex about 3 years ago, and it was of great help to me. This community is an absolute Godsend for the feelings that follow these types of relationships and an excellent resource for new knowledge, so I am here calling on you all once more.

As I said, my ex and I broke up almost exactly 3 years ago to the day. We were together a little over a year. Knowing what I know now, I realize that I was ultimately the one that instigated the break up, a fact which I had for some reason repressed. I can recall the exact moment.

On Valentine's Day, which was about a month before our one year mark, she sent me the most beautiful text message I had ever received in my life. I was in awe of how committed to the future between us she seemed to be.

Five days later, she went through my phone, as she tended to do against my wishes, accused me of cheating on her once again, and threatened to leave if it were true (it wasn't). At this point I realized things would never change between us and no growth was ever going to happen.

So I distanced myself from her. This, of course, led to the infamous "I hate you, don't leave me" phase. Long story short, after a couple months, she stopped seeing me altogether, cheated on me, and left me over text for the replacement.

This relationship didn't last long for her, and it wasn't long before I checked her Facebook only to see that she was pining for attention from someone, anyone. I called her out on it over chat. She then proceeded to apologize for all the things she had done and told me that I still had her in any way I wanted.

She also told me she didn't remember why she even left.

I was still in pain, so while I hesitated, I ultimately resisted. She then messaged me the next day with the classic "I hope you're doing well...". I exploded on her about all of the things she had done to me. Radio silence followed.

That is, until she found her current "love" interest. She texted me a half naked photo, which I responded to. This caused her new lover to come after me ferociously over text and deny my story. Can't really blame him for that; I likely would have done similar.

Since then, I have not heard a single thing. That was about two and half years ago now. I started to get myself together, lost a bunch of weight, took my education a lot more seriously, and became open to the idea of dating once more.

Then I saw her again.

She came into the restaurant I work in part time with her boyfriend on Valentine's Day of this year. I was overcome with emotion, primarily anger. I don't know for certain if this was a coincidence or not; I'd like to believe it was. I did my best to ignore her, made zero eye contact, and got the hell out as soon as I could.

I couldn't evade the thoughts of her, though, as they started to invade, slowly but surely. The self-doubt followed. I was reliving the whole breakdown.

They've been together for a lot longer than we were; was I the problem? Was this supposed to be some sort of message? Am I just acting insane?

Thankfully, she hasn't reached out to me. I'm unsure of how I would respond.

I'm currently looking into getting therapy in order to get over whatever fixation I still have for this person. In the mean time, I wanted to see if any of you could offer me some words of wisdom in an attempt to put this in more of a logical perspective. I am having a hard time seeing clearly at this moment.

[EZEarache]

Then I saw her again.

She came into the restaurant I work in part time with her boyfriend on Valentine's Day of this year. I was overcome with emotion, primarily anger. I don't know for certain if this was a coincidence or not; I'd like to believe it was. I did my best to ignore her, made zero eye contact, and got the hell out as soon as I could.

Do you have any mutual friends?

If so my bet is it wasn't a coincidence. She was probably being vindictive, if there are mutual friends. If so, that's pretty mean spirited and you're better off without her. She would probably just find all sorts of conscious or unconscious ways to undermine your self esteem, and self worth so she could remain secretly in control.

I'm currently looking into getting therapy in order to get over whatever fixation I still have for this person. In the mean time, I wanted to see if any of you could offer me some words of wisdom in an attempt to put this in more of a logical perspective. I am having a hard time seeing clearly at this moment.

Hopefully therapy will help you see more clearly.

It can be really difficult to find clarity after three years. That's a long time. I think it's great that you are also taking care of yourself, by losing weight and focusing on your education. For me, personally, exercise is the primary difference between happy EZ and miserable EZ.
 I climb a lot of mountains, most of the time after a long day on the trail, I have a lot more clarity on what was bothering me when I first got out of my car.

If you can find some friends to exercise with you'll be even better off. Once the pandemic is over, (hopefully soon, I got my second vaccine shot, yesterday!) I suggest meetup.com.   It can be a great resource to make more friends to workout with. Who knows you might even meet someone who treats you the way we all deserve!

Keep your head up!

[RealiT]

Do you have any mutual friends?

If so my bet is it wasn't a coincidence. She was probably being vindictive, if there are mutual friends. If so, that's pretty mean spirited and you're better off without her. She would probably just find all sorts of conscious or unconscious ways to undermine your self esteem, and self worth so she could remain secretly in control.

No, no mutual friends. In fact, the only "friend" she ever had to my knowledge was an adoptive brother who was transitioning into a female that lived with her... who she affectionately referred to with their given name rather than their preferred name. She beat up on her pretty hard and blamed her for things she had done in the family (though she never outright said so, it was obvious from her framing) as well. Great friendship, clearly.

I was working there when we broke up, but I honestly have a hard time believing that she remembered that or would even expect me to still be there. I'm leaning toward coincidence personally, if only because it's healthier for me that way.

Hopefully therapy will help you see more clearly.

It can be really difficult to find clarity after three years. That's a long time. I think it's great that you are also taking care of yourself, by losing weight and focusing on your education. For me, personally, exercise is the primary difference between happy EZ and miserable EZ.
 I climb a lot of mountains, most of the time after a long day on the trail, I have a lot more clarity on what was bothering me when I first got out of my car.

If you can find some friends to exercise with you'll be even better off. Once the pandemic is over, (hopefully soon, I got my second vaccine shot, yesterday!) I suggest meetup.com.   It can be a great resource to make more friends to workout with. Who knows you might even meet someone who treats you the way we all deserve!

Keep your head up!

Thanks for the tips! I really appreciate it!

It's weird to me. I hadn't really thought of her intensely for the last year or so... the real kicker of the whole incident and the title of this thread is that I had a pretty intense nightmare the night before the whole ordeal. Seeing it manifest in reality threw me for a loop.

I've been working out a lot in the gym and recently going to a batting cage, though with finals this week and last I've been slacking a bit. Luckily I do have friends I can still hang out and do stuff with despite the pandemic.

I met my ex on Tinder, so even though I'm using it again, I'm going to be extra careful this time.

Thanks again, EZ!

[RealiT]

**accidental quote