Mothers Day was the last straw?

[We can do this]

Last week was super difficult and I'm not sure where to go from here.   Our DD is 18, diagnosed with BPD about 18 months ago, blames her mother and I for EVERYTHING that is wrong in her life.   I recognize that is a common thread on the forum for people with BPD, but it's so hard to hear how she hates us and just wishes she would leave us alone.   That is until she needs gas for the car, or cloths or to have some friends over to hang out...

Background:  She lives at home, quit high school in early 2020 (thankfully we made her take the GED).   She quit college twice (fall and spring semesters) a few weeks into the semester.  Has been fired from a half a dozen jobs this year (currently unemployed).  Has quit her therapist after 18 months of treatment during which she refused to do any of the work to get better. Has lost all of her friends and only seems to connect with people on the internet with similar issues to hers.

This week was my Wife's birthday on Wednesday, and Mothers day was Sunday.   Instead of spending any time with her mom on those days, DD spent time away from the house with someone she had just met on the internet a day or two earlier.  Sunday evening after avoiding Mom for the whole day she brought a few flowers in and said 'here, for Mother's Day' then turned and left.  My Wife understands that this is common for BPD, but doesn't care because she is so hurt by this rejection.  I'm so angry with DD and keep thinking about the phrase that "you might treat your mother that way but NOBODY treats my wife that way".   

The problem is I don't know what to do.  I want to tell her since she isn't in school, and clearly doesn't want anything from us, it's time for her to find a place of her own.  Perhaps then she can see just how much we actually do to support her, but I believe that would be a literal death sentence as she has NO ability to keep a job, manage money or pay bills on her own.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome, and we certainly understand as many of us were/ are in similar  circumstances with our adult BPD kids.  She saw a therapist for diagnosis, would she be willing to continue therapy at all?
Meanwhile onto you parents:
1. Please prepare yourselves that there will not be an instant fix .
2. The best thing I did is what you are doing now- building up a network for you .  I also read up on BPD , there are some suggested readings in the library here.  One of the concepts I learned was the best way to help the BPD was to not forget to help myself .  Easier said than done, I know.  However it is important to know we are as important as the BPD and our needs are as well. 
3. I have also joined a 12 step program for families such as Codependents anonymous- they teach the concept of putting the focus back on us, and helps with establishing boundaries.  There is also a section on boundaries up in the tools drop down list at the top of the page. 
4. I have also had my own therapist- this helped me with establishing boundaries with my son and sticking to them

So while you are educating yourselves on this,  you and your wife can think about starting with small boundaries and fitting consequences you both can enforce. For example,  you may want your daughter out , but does your wife?  Can you start with anything smaller you both agree on and have the strength to enforce consequences?  We can be your sounding board  with these as well.  You are not alone. 

[Huat]

Hello WeCanDoThis!

What a read your post was for me!  So many things stood out.  Your words..."she hates us"...was one of them.  The other..."you might treat your mother that way but NOBODY treats my wife that way".  Wow!

My husband and I will soon be celebrating our 59th wedding anniversary.  We have weathered much in all these years but the one thing that has at times brought us (me!) to the brink of calling it quits has been the dealings with this troubled daughter of ours.  In our case it hasn't been "us" she hated and blamed for every thing...it has been  ME...her Mom.  Our daughter soon saw the benefits in "divide and conquer."   It  seems to be different in your case and that, indeed, plays to your favour. 

You write..."I want to tell her since she isn't in school, and clearly doesn't want anything from us, it's time for her to find a place of her own."  In fact, she does want something from you.  She wants to be able to continue to do as she pleases while you continue to hold the safety net.  Change will definitely not start with her.  It will have to start with you.

While I have been writing I see Swimmy55 has offered some wise advice.  Keep in mind that babysteps are how you start...but you really need to start.   From the time your daughter was born you have been her teachers.  She needs you to continue in those roles.

Hope you keep posting...using this forum as a sounding board as you move forward.

((HUGS)...from Huat

[JD2028]

 

The problem is I don't know what to do.  I want to tell her since she isn't in school, and clearly doesn't want anything from us, it's time for her to find a place of her own.  Perhaps then she can see just how much we actually do to support her, but I believe that would be a literal death sentence as she has NO ability to keep a job, manage money or pay bills on her own.

I had a bit of an aha moment last week. I was speaking to my daughter's social worker at school and the woman said how sweet and polite my daughter is. And it clicked- she is capable of controlling herself sometimes. She just CHOOSES not to, around us. Maybe I will change my mind in a few years and I will give her another chance but I am soo tired of this. This arrangement is clearly not helpful for her and she is killing me. Idk what the calculus is for how much of my life I'm supposed to sacrifice in order to keep her from worst case scenario. But if she can hold it together in front of outsiders then maybe one of them will take her in. Or she will learn to control herself at my home. IDK, I'm a few years away from that scenario

[Sancho]

In your last paragraph you sum up the dilemma of the BPD parent: fed up, want to get child to be independent, just want to have some space from the awful abuse and tension in the house - on the other hand knowing that the child/young adult does not seem to have the ability to become independent.

Some young BPD people do have this ability, but the abuse/blaming continues.

In my case I have tried to help my BPD daughter set up independently, hoping that the support to do this would kick start the process. The result was a big financial loss to me. Others here have tried the same thing with the same result.

When you read here you also notice that a common thread is that the abuse etc is directed to particular people - often one or both parents in the case of a child.

It is infuriating that they can be so nice to others, so abusive to us. I don't understand this aspect of BPD but it is so common - universal perhaps - that this has to be an aspect of the illness.

Coming here to vent is very helpful. I am glad that - even when you are so hurt and frustrated - you can think through what would be the consequences of a particular course of action.

What to do? Everyone's situation is different, but what is common here is that you are encouraged to look after yourself - and your wife. Grow stronger together by learning about this illness and the skills that you can use when you need to. Make sure your life is not totally overwhelmed by this illness.

Hopefully options will present for your daughter. In the meantime, try not to respond to these hurtful times. Sometimes I find it helpful to say to myself 'Well if she had autism (or something else) I probably wouldn't expect her to do such and such . . . . . .

In my experience it has been a long journey towards changing  . . . . myself. I no longer react to abuse or if I do, it is not for long - and I have been very abused! I wish I had learnt the skills of boundary setting much earlier. This would have meant being able to handle the abuse etc that occurs when you set boundaries and I don't think I was as able to do that then as I am now.

[JD2028]

Thanks Sancho. It's good to know you all are here and you really do understand.

[Bluejay12]

I’m feeling your pain.  Truely I am.  I have a 37 yo daughter with BPD.  She is married to a narcissist so you can imagine seeing our grandchildren is a nightmare.  I was “punished” for Morher’s Day too.  No flowers though and no ability to see our grandchildren either ( they live 6 minutes away). We’ve been dealing with this kind of abuse for years now.  Their 4 yo begs us to let her live with us (when we are allowed to see her).  Heartbreaking.  It has only gotten worse for us.  I know realize nothing “fixes” them.  If there weren’t small children involved that we worry about, we would live on the other side of the country.  To say my husband and I aren’t often overwhelmed by their abuse (primarily directed at me), would be an understatement.  We’ve read all the books regarding BPD and sought professional advice.  But when it comes to the grandchildren, we are heartsick.  Hard to “take care of myself” when I know the 4yo wants to be with us but isn’t allowed.  (Unless it suits them).  I’m really sorry your Mother's Day was ruined for your wife.  So unfair.  I have no good answers for you.  I feel your pain but especially your wife’s.  It’s so hard to be the consistent target of abuse.  Let her know she has a sister in kind saying a prayer for her tonight.  Praying for our collective peace also.  Good luck. 

[kitty1961]

We have done exactly what you want to do.
My daughter is 33 and has not kept a job for longer than a month ( now on SSDI)
I do not think she is capable, we have bailed her out numerous times.
Its trouble than its worth...

We have given up on her ever being independent, she lives here at home and its miserable for us.
I will not put here out in the streets