Not really a "topic", more like my story.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone.  It pains me to even be on here. But I liken it to first introductions at an AA meeting.

I am Duped_312, and I am the victim of a 6 year, 3 child relationship, with a man who refuses to accept that he has BPD.

After a series of self destructive spirals over the last year, I ended the relationship, effectively stripping him of every crutch he had been leaning on for 6 years. The pandemic 1,000% made him so much worse, but I thank it for happening bc I think I would have still been sitting here confused, overworked, care-giving, managing, tiptoeing, and protecting. His breakdown was very necessary... for me, for him, for his stupid ass family to see.

Speaking of family, his mother is 50% of the reason he is the way he is. She was a terrible mother and physically and emotionally abandoned him repeatedly for the first 18 years of his life. If she wasn't leaving him somewhere, she was emotionally useless. He was inappropriately touched by a family friend and the mother wouldn't believe him. The father committed suicide at 38 due to what I now believe was undiagnosed BPD. An abusive alcoholic living with that wife of his, I dont blame him. My ex fiancé is his father. So that's the other 50%. The mother just triggered whatever genetics his father pre-disposed him to.

He got into a relationship very early in age bc thats when the attachment issues began. He attached himself to others and others' families to surrogate his own. When they became too much, or got tired of him and his neediness, they started to reject him and he'd move on to another. Enter, me

Our relationship was, I feel, incredibly emotionally abusive. The roller coaster of seeing someone be so genuine and sweet, as I feel he is at his core, as a blank slate, to changing to needy and pathetic and whiny and self destructive, lying, using gambling or weed or pills or cigarettes or sometimes drinking to escape me or anything even remotely hard. When he went down he went down hard, and took whatever he could with him. Usually it was a crapload of money or cars. When he went into a spiral, he would crash a car. He would spend money on scratch offs, he would steal Rx's to sell. He would try to isolate me or continuously talk about things ad nauseam. We had three children, our first passed away from many complications. He already had two children, so this was my first. Our son required 9 months of hospital care. I lived in the hospital with him. My ex could not handle the attention shift. His disorder chose itself over his own son. He guilted me endlessly, criticized everything even his death, hated my mother, etc. He was the worst. I have never gotten over the death of my son. I never will. And I resent my ex for trying to make me.

Our second child was my request, as I couldn't bear to be motherless after our son passed away. He made the biggest stink on earth, that I was forcing him into it, and then tried to put deadlines on it, like timing and when it had to be by. I no longer really cared anymore about what he wanted or said, I kind of knew I was done with him at this point and just wanted what I wanted and vowed to do my own thing for myself. I had my second son just under a year after my first passed away. He is the absolute best thing ever.

5 months later, the pandemic hits hard. Things are cycling downward fast and the world is changing. My ex began to react negatively. As an added bonus he has a seizure disorder, so when he gets all worked up, nighttime seizures occur without warning, randomly. They began to happen after a long while of not happening. He went out driving one night, after lying to me about where he was and when, and crashed the car I leased for him. I knew things were going downhill. I started to pull away. He was very annoying and needy and started going hard with the sex needs and other crap just to cling. Without having to say it explicitly, he decided he would now try to force me to have a child, like I did to him with our second son. Again with the time constraints. The deadlines. I didn't want another child. He pressured me into sex and I got pregnant. I was very upset. It was a stormy day and I was not happy about it. I was panicking and anxious. Now I was really stuck with him.

The pregnancy of my third baby, a girl, was horrible. Issue after issue. He was getting worse and worse behaviorally and everything was just PLEASE READ. I was working, he wasnt. We lost our apartment that I had worked so hard to get us, since he was useless. We had to move in with my mother. His idea. He very quickly got worse and worse with every passing month. Lost an enormous amount of weight, whined every moment possible, was ungrateful, unhelpful, and up to absolutely no good on his own time when he was out of the house. I was still working, pregnant, and caring for my other son. My ex was of absolutely no help. My daughter was born and my ex had about 35 small seizures the entire laboring process. He had a grand man while I was nursing in the recovery room. He destroyed the entire experience. I knew at that point, he was positively undeniably done.

I put up with his bullPLEASE READ for another month and half, threatening to kick him, actually doing it twice, the packing the leaving the whole thing. He would always come back the next day. Unannounced. Just walk in. I could not get rid of him. Finally one night he had a bad seizure and tried to choke me, and the attacked me. We were only one floor up from my mothers bedroom. She heard but thought we were just up with my son or daughter. When he came back to and regained control I told him he was out of there. I had always said that this PLEASE READing seizure PLEASE READ was going to be it. I just needed something justifiable. I promised myself that if he ever got physical with me or the children, that was my line. And he just did it. Several hours later he has other one in the middle of the living room and almost falls on my son on the floor. Right before it happened he tried to take my daughter from my arms. So now he just did BOTH things I drew a line for, in a matter of hours. He was done. Threw him out, had that mother of his come pick up her PLEASE READing son and that was that.

He tried to come back into the house again like always, just marching in there like nothing happened, but I had a baby-sitter there with me and it thwarted his plan. I thank god every day that she was there. I wouldn't have been strong enough to resist the charm he would have put on. He got extra mad that he knew this was really it now, so he stole xanax from my mother, and drove around 45 min away and crashed the car my mother bought me within a few hours. 

He has been a general thorn in eveyrones side since then. But not mine anymore, thank god. I sleep at night now knowing I wont be awoken in a traumatic state. I wont be choked. I have my daughter full time and my son part time he is with my mom the other times, she is an amazing angel. He still sees my ex's mother a couple times a week bc shes psychotic and cant handle not seeing him but once school ends in June, Im pretending to her that he started a toddler camp so we dont have to see her anymore. My ex used to see our son during that time, but he moved out of there and now I will not allow him to see him. He posts videos of bloody hands and fingers, and is clearly not stable. He has been hospitalized at least once already. No one in his family thinks he has a problem.

I have broached the BPD idea, with a very long, very detailed email highlighting symptoms, behaviors, causes, etc. As a helping point to start from. They rejected it. His aunt is a nurse practitioner in a mental health system and told him he doesnt have it. Everyone else is too stupid to know or not. Like truly. They are the worthless people.

I have been up against a lot to get him help. I have provided number to different places, I have called the places myself, I have asked a neighbor who manned a pandemic mental health hotline, I still let him use my cell phone plan, etc. He will not do it. Supposedly he started some new med but stopped taking it and immediately had a breakdown. He is a complete and utter mess. I feel incredibly guilty and at fault. The guilt keeps me awake at night. I feel like I abandoned him like his mother did. I feel like I was his chance at a normal life and I threw him away.

I do not have full savior complex, but I would admit that I definitely struggle with some degree of it. I am aware and I try to really work through the feelings and validate them and know that it was not me. It just happened to be me then. I feel "duped", as my screen name suggests. I was a pawn in his disorder's game. I enabled up the wazoo. I hid things, protected him, threw myself in the fire. I lost so much. So much time, so much money, I put my kids in situations I didn't think to consider dangerous. I was not thinking clearly. I know he sits by himself devoid of emotion feeling nothing but "okay need to find someone new". I want so badly for him to improve. He is 43. He does not need to live this way, or live this way forever. My father is a perfect example of turning himself around, even when he wasn't in my life in the beginning. There are chances. He just cant see them without help. I am beginning therapy myself shortly. No one wants to hold session in person yet and I do not want to do tele. Im tired of that PLEASE READ. I work, Im busy, I have two kids and household -- oh yeah, I rented a little house for myself and the kids right after all this happened--. I cant be sitting around the living room in comfy jammies having my hot cocoa and a therapy session over zoom. I want to offing GO somewhere. So I am holding out until the office I am using begins doing them again shortly.

I know my story probably isnt "new" to most of you. But it was therapeutic getting it out there, to a community. It isn't a "topic" per say, but just my story. I welcome any advice there is for staying strong as a survivor of this, or as a single mom, or someone with fresh traumas to work through.

Thank you all for reading this.
Duped_312

[Duped_312]

Hello everyone.  It pains me to even be on here. But I liken it to first introductions at an AA meeting.

I am Duped_312, and I am the victim of a 6 year, 3 child relationship, with a man who refuses to accept that he has BPD.

After a series of self destructive spirals over the last year, I ended the relationship, effectively stripping him of every crutch he had been leaning on for 6 years. The pandemic 1,000% made him so much worse, but I thank it for happening bc I think I would have still been sitting here confused, overworked, care-giving, managing, tiptoeing, and protecting. His breakdown was very necessary... for me, for him, for his stupid ass family to see.

Speaking of family, his mother is 50% of the reason he is the way he is. She was a terrible mother and physically and emotionally abandoned him repeatedly for the first 18 years of his life. If she wasn't leaving him somewhere, she was emotionally useless. He was inappropriately touched by a family friend and the mother wouldn't believe him. The father committed suicide at 38 due to what I now believe was undiagnosed BPD. An abusive alcoholic living with that wife of his, I dont blame him. My ex fiancé is his father. So that's the other 50%. The mother just triggered whatever genetics his father pre-disposed him to.

He got into a relationship very early in age bc thats when the attachment issues began. He attached himself to others and others' families to surrogate his own. When they became too much, or got tired of him and his neediness, they started to reject him and he'd move on to another. Enter, me

Our relationship was, I feel, incredibly emotionally abusive. The roller coaster of seeing someone be so genuine and sweet, as I feel he is at his core, as a blank slate, to changing to needy and pathetic and whiny and self destructive, lying, using gambling or weed or pills or cigarettes or sometimes drinking to escape me or anything even remotely hard. When he went down he went down hard, and took whatever he could with him. Usually it was a crapload of money or cars. When he went into a spiral, he would crash a car. He would spend money on scratch offs, he would steal Rx's to sell. He would try to isolate me or continuously talk about things ad nauseam. We had three children, our first passed away from many complications. He already had two children, so this was my first. Our son required 9 months of hospital care. I lived in the hospital with him. My ex could not handle the attention shift. His disorder chose itself over his own son. He guilted me endlessly, criticized everything even his death, hated my mother, etc. He was the worst. I have never gotten over the death of my son. I never will. And I resent my ex for trying to make me.

Our second child was my request, as I couldn't bear to be motherless after our son passed away. He made the biggest stink on earth, that I was forcing him into it, and then tried to put deadlines on it, like timing and when it had to be by. I no longer really cared anymore about what he wanted or said, I kind of knew I was done with him at this point and just wanted what I wanted and vowed to do my own thing for myself. I had my second son just under a year after my first passed away. He is the absolute best thing ever.

5 months later, the pandemic hits hard. Things are cycling downward fast and the world is changing. My ex began to react negatively. As an added bonus he has a seizure disorder, so when he gets all worked up, nighttime seizures occur without warning, randomly. They began to happen after a long while of not happening. He went out driving one night, after lying to me about where he was and when, and crashed the car I leased for him. I knew things were going downhill. I started to pull away. He was very annoying and needy and started going hard with the sex needs and other crap just to cling. Without having to say it explicitly, he decided he would now try to force me to have a child, like I did to him with our second son. Again with the time constraints. The deadlines. I didn't want another child. He pressured me into sex and I got pregnant. I was very upset. It was a stormy day and I was not happy about it. I was panicking and anxious. Now I was really stuck with him.

The pregnancy of my third baby, a girl, was horrible. Issue after issue. He was getting worse and worse behaviorally and everything was just PLEASE READ. I was working, he wasnt. We lost our apartment that I had worked so hard to get us, since he was useless. We had to move in with my mother. His idea. He very quickly got worse and worse with every passing month. Lost an enormous amount of weight, whined every moment possible, was ungrateful, unhelpful, and up to absolutely no good on his own time when he was out of the house. I was still working, pregnant, and caring for my other son. My ex was of absolutely no help. My daughter was born and my ex had about 35 small seizures the entire laboring process. He had a grand man while I was nursing in the recovery room. He destroyed the entire experience. I knew at that point, he was positively undeniably done.

I put up with his bullPLEASE READ for another month and half, threatening to kick him, actually doing it twice, the packing the leaving the whole thing. He would always come back the next day. Unannounced. Just walk in. I could not get rid of him. Finally one night he had a bad seizure and tried to choke me, and the attacked me. We were only one floor up from my mothers bedroom. She heard but thought we were just up with my son or daughter. When he came back to and regained control I told him he was out of there. I had always said that this PLEASE READing seizure PLEASE READ was going to be it. I just needed something justifiable. I promised myself that if he ever got physical with me or the children, that was my line. And he just did it. Several hours later he has other one in the middle of the living room and almost falls on my son on the floor. Right before it happened he tried to take my daughter from my arms. So now he just did BOTH things I drew a line for, in a matter of hours. He was done. Threw him out, had that mother of his come pick up her PLEASE READing son and that was that.

He tried to come back into the house again like always, just marching in there like nothing happened, but I had a baby-sitter there with me and it thwarted his plan. I thank god every day that she was there. I wouldn't have been strong enough to resist the charm he would have put on. He got extra mad that he knew this was really it now, so he stole xanax from my mother, and drove around 45 min away and crashed the car my mother bought me within a few hours. 

He has been a general thorn in eveyrones side since then. But not mine anymore, thank god. I sleep at night now knowing I wont be awoken in a traumatic state. I wont be choked. I have my daughter full time and my son part time he is with my mom the other times, she is an amazing angel. He still sees my ex's mother a couple times a week bc shes psychotic and cant handle not seeing him but once school ends in June, Im pretending to her that he started a toddler camp so we dont have to see her anymore. My ex used to see our son during that time, but he moved out of there and now I will not allow him to see him. He posts videos of bloody hands and fingers, and is clearly not stable. He has been hospitalized at least once already. No one in his family thinks he has a problem.

I have broached the BPD idea, with a very long, very detailed email highlighting symptoms, behaviors, causes, etc. As a helping point to start from. They rejected it. His aunt is a nurse practitioner in a mental health system and told him he doesnt have it. Everyone else is too stupid to know or not. Like truly. They are the worthless people.

I have been up against a lot to get him help. I have provided number to different places, I have called the places myself, I have asked a neighbor who manned a pandemic mental health hotline, I still let him use my cell phone plan, etc. He will not do it. Supposedly he started some new med but stopped taking it and immediately had a breakdown. He is a complete and utter mess. I feel incredibly guilty and at fault. The guilt keeps me awake at night. I feel like I abandoned him like his mother did. I feel like I was his chance at a normal life and I threw him away.

I do not have full savior complex, but I would admit that I definitely struggle with some degree of it. I am aware and I try to really work through the feelings and validate them and know that it was not me. It just happened to be me then. I feel "duped", as my screen name suggests. I was a pawn in his disorder's game. I enabled up the wazoo. I hid things, protected him, threw myself in the fire. I lost so much. So much time, so much money, I put my kids in situations I didn't think to consider dangerous. I was not thinking clearly. I know he sits by himself devoid of emotion feeling nothing but "okay need to find someone new". I want so badly for him to improve. He is 43. He does not need to live this way, or live this way forever. My father is a perfect example of turning himself around, even when he wasn't in my life in the beginning. There are chances. He just cant see them without help. I am beginning therapy myself shortly. No one wants to hold session in person yet and I do not want to do tele. Im tired of that PLEASE READ. I work, Im busy, I have two kids and household -- oh yeah, I rented a little house for myself and the kids right after all this happened--. I cant be sitting around the living room in comfy jammies having my hot cocoa and a therapy session over zoom. I want to offing GO somewhere. So I am holding out until the office I am using begins doing them again shortly.

I know my story probably isnt "new" to most of you. But it was therapeutic getting it out there, to a community. It isn't a "topic" per say, but just my story. I welcome any advice there is for staying strong as a survivor of this, or as a single mom, or someone with fresh traumas to work through.

Thank you all for reading this.
Duped_312

[khibomsis]

  Duped, and welcome to the family! You have been through some terrible experiences, it moved my heart just to read through them. I wanted to say you are strong, even just to survive what you have survived. It is great that you have support from your mom.

I hear your reservations about teletherapy, but still would advise for you to start as soon as possible. There is a the loss of a child, indeed one never truly gets over it. Still, lots of counselling will help. I lost a foster-son in 2005 and wish today I had gone into therapy straight away. It is so much harder when the grief is all baked up and hard inside.
Add to that being a single mother of two infants and your plate looks pretty full. If anything you should look at lining up as many sources of support for you as possible: other family, friends, single mom peer support groups, 12 step groups like Co-dependents Anonymous, anything in your community which can help.

There is nothing you can do for your husband. Nothing at all. In fact, the best thing you can do for him is to stay well away. With you in his life, he has had no opportunity to solve his own problems. Your absence may be just the thing he needs.

 

[EZEarache]

Hi Duped, welcome. We'll all listen. I hope you can get a face to face session scheduled soon! They do really help. If for no other reason to validate your conclusions about the disorder.

He made the biggest stink on earth... then tried to put deadlines on it, like timing and when it had to be by.

 Again with the time constraints. The deadlines. I didn't want another child. He pressured me... It was a stormy day and I was not happy about it. I was panicking and anxious. Now I was really stuck with him.

These words resonate. I have an 11 month old baby with my exGFwBPD. She put deadlines on me to agree to a baby. I was trying to figure out if we were a healthy couple. I had deep concerns, that something just didn't seem right. The fighting about kids seemed to be the only serious disagreement we had. However, once the stress of the actual baby, plus a demanding job kicked in, it proved to be too much for us.

She's hung the stormy day we found out she was pregnant over my head every since. I'll never be able to unsay what I said, and she will never forgive me. This is despite my efforts to be a good dad.

I do not have full savior complex, but I would admit that I definitely struggle with some degree of it. I am aware and I try to really work through the feelings and validate them and know that it was not me. It just happened to be me then. I feel "duped", as my screen name suggests. I was a pawn in his disorder's game.

I feel the same way. I really wanted to be the person that was able to come through for her, in her hard knock life of interpersonal disappointment. Sadly, she just doesn't grasp that I feel terrible that this has all occurred and it was never my intention. If I could just convince her that her actions were part of our issue, we would be able to move forward. Unfortunately, she just isn't that self-aware.

[Duped_312]

I’m thankful to have received your replies. Thank you for the counseling advice, I am definitely going to look into the codependent anonymous meetings. I hope there are some nearby. I am a special educator and school lets out in a few weeks so I’m hoping to be able to fit in some self care for the first time in a really long time. My family is already an unbelievable support system. They have rallied around me in way that is truly special. And this is after they already did this when my first son passed away. I’m truly lucky to have people like this in my corner. I wish my ex had this kind of system around him.  My friend are fairly useless. They do not call or text me. They have not asked me how I am even once since this all came to a head in February. I’m not sure they think I did the right thing by ending it. I think they disagree with how I handled it that maybe I gave up too easily. I think their husbands think I am a bad influence on their women. I have not been invited over since. I’ve been waiting for someone, anyone, to give me a shout, or like how’s it hangin’ … anything. Come over for a drink, let’s see your new place! How are the babies do you need any help? Nothing. Like negative nothing. It is truly hurtful and honestly I lay awake at night sometimes more upset about that, than I am about D.  He I expected it from. Them, I didn’t. I guess I should have. I think I’ve come across so many people who do not fulfill the roles they’re in that I don’t have faith in anyone anymore. My fiancé did not fulfill his role as a good husband or father. My friend do not fulfill their roles as friends I have had, been through so much with, for over 20-25 years some of them. One of them was my best friend ever and even she is very like… low energy about everything. She says she sorry about this and whatever but it’s mostly just affirmations to validate my feelings. It’s not true commiseration, even though she went through this exact thing several years ago. Like I said, I lay awake anxious and in shock about how much people have let me down. Why is it this way? Why do I surround myself with people who let me down?

[EZEarache]

It’s not true commiseration, even though she went through this exact thing several years ago. Like I said, I lay awake anxious and in shock about how much people have let me down. Why is it this way? Why do I surround myself with people who let me down?

I had a similar experience after my previous relationship disintegrated almost exactly 10 years ago. I realized my close friends just weren't available on the level I needed them. I took it as an opportunity/invitation to meet new people and make new friends. The old friends are still in my life. However, I rely on them much less. My newer friends have been carefully picked to enjoy the same activities that I do.

When I first started getting depressed about the end of my relationship, I was worried people would judge me for leaving. The opposite ended up being true. These new friends are reaching out to me and offering assistance. I feel truly blessed.

I'm sure your friends are just busy and wrapped up in their own personal stories. This past year has been difficult for social interaction to say the least.

I highly recommend meetup.com to find new people. It completely changed my life. I went from being sort of a loner, to the social butterfly I always really wanted to be.

[Duped_312]

I know of meetup! I actually got on there when we moved to FL a couple years ago. My then fiancé was such a loser he never wanted to do anything with the people. And I was pregnant at the time, so anything he DID want to do, would conveniently be things I couldn't do. Id then have to feel badly. "Yeah, but you can't do that..." was all I ever heard. 

Now that I am back in NY (after my son died we moved back), maybe I'll try to start up there again. Single mom groups are probably on there, I'd think?  When I had my second son, I tried a site called Peanut, for moms to meetup. It wasnt very helpful. The moms weren't my bag and others were just like friend whores who needed to meet 900 people on there to feel good. Others ghosted.  But maybe Ill try the meetup thing again. Great idea! tHank you!

[EZEarache]

The moms weren't my bag and others were just like friend whores who needed to meet 900 people on there to feel good. Others ghosted.  But maybe Ill try the meetup thing again. Great idea! tHank you!

Ha, friend whores. Funny terminology. I suppose I could be viewed as one of them. With meetup, I found that it helps to cast my net wide and make LOTs of new friends. Some of them stick around and become close, others follow different paths. Sometimes, the people you meet that you end up getting close with, completely surprise you. Your first impression will be like, this person is a weirdo, loser. Eventually, you win each other over. So it's a good idea to be open minded about everyone you meet.

I also live in NY. I'm on the outskirts of the NYC Metropolitan area. Meetup.com is pretty active with lots of options around here. Rather than focus on Mom groups, although they might be useful, I would focus on making your own friends through activities that are important for you. Focus on yourself. It's hard with the babies, I know, but look at it as a bit of self care.

I'm sure making playgroups, and things are also useful. I haven't personally done this, yet. You should probably go in both directions.