(First post) Bettering the relationship: one step forward and three backwards

[Chibid]

Hi, this is my first post here or any support community as a matter of fact. I’ve been in a relationship for the last six months with my partner (girl) who has BPD. At the beginning it was what you would call normal as she didn’t show all of herself (behaviour-wise), but as time went on the BPD symptoms started showing. Although I knew from the beginning that she has BPD among other mental illnesses, I didn’t acknowledge them as real in a sense that I wasn’t aware that her behaviours were expressions of BPD which translated into a rocky start (first month was great, second month was terrible).

From the 2nd/3rd month I looked up more and more info regarding BPD until I realised how dumb I was for not considering BPD as a main factor in the behaviours I was experiencing. From that point on it all went better: I continued learning and using that knowledge in the relationship and it helped a lot to prevent upscaling conflicts and my understanding of herself and our relationship. However, from time to time it felt like every time we were better because of a breakthrough in our relationship or her relationship with herself, it felt like immediately we took three steps backwards because she closed up or just became distant or something that felt like a wall came up between us. Keep in mind that this was something that happened not very frequently (maybe between months 2 and 4) and it got away as time went by.

The last two months have been great, the best we’ve ever been: the BPD-related conducts were rare, at least in her interactions with me and we had developed this great dynamic were we knew our boundaries and conflict was rare. This was so much so that we kind of started living together, me staying most of the time at her place. However, for the last couple of weeks I’ve felt like we are getting back to square one, her behaviour has become increasingly irregular with mood swings, high levels of irritability and anger. Also her anxiety and stress levels have been over the roof because of work and study related issues. Because of this last part, the stress arising from work and study, I’ve tried to be at my best by understanding and having perspective whenever she has any seemingly unexplained anger, mood swing, or anything related to those. Nevertheless, the past days I’ve felt helpless, tired, frustrated and uneasy as I fell she is closing up for good, trying to push me apart (it should be noted that she had told me in the past that she wouldn’t break us up, but she would make me do it by pushing me apart because of no apparent reason), and just experiencing all the full on BPS traits that made our relationship rocky in the beginning. I don’t know how to explain this but we are in a great place in one moment and 15 minutes later we are arguing about something she or I said that came out of nowhere. It has just become very difficult to bear all of this these last few days and although I have a psychologist, I haven’t had the time to explain this because I have other issues and when me and my partner are having good days, they coincidentally happen on the days I have therapy sessions. I cannot talk about this to my friends because they weren’t able to understand the few times i tried to explained it in the past.

Hence, I found this group. I’m just looking for something, maybe encouragement or just support to feel like this is part of all of it and it didn’t go away as I thought for a brief moment in time. It’s just that the feeling of going backwards hurts more than anything else that I’ve experienced. I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe just to get all of this out or something to release pressure. But any input/advice on being with someone with BPD would be totally heard and taken into account. Thanks for reading.

PD: English is not my first language, in case there are any errors in my post.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

one of the most important thing about loving someone with bpd is having realistic expectations.

it is, by definition, sort of a "special needs" relationship. all relationships have their challenges, and a bpd relationship is no exception; it presents its own unique challenge.

it can be, a rocky relationship, with a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes wildly so. it can also certainly be true that sometimes, when the relationship seems at its best, the other shoe dropping is right around the corner.

so, i think a large part of coping is accepting that - and not just accepting that - but learning to live with it in a way that involves coping (and often learning new coping skills), and a big picture attitude. for example, if you run around trying to put out every fire, you will exhaust yourself.

i know that sounds easier said than done. its no cakewalk, and it can take a lot of practice, but it does get easier.

I don’t know how to explain this but we are in a great place in one moment and 15 minutes later we are arguing about something she or I said that came out of nowhere.

tell us about a recent time. we can walk you through it.

[Chibid]

tell us about a recent time. we can walk you through it.

The last thing that happened was that we were having a great conversation about a topic and she started telling a story about a friend of hers and I tangentially made a comment about the original topic and related it to her friend’s story. At that precise moment all went south and she got extremely angry telling me that she was not talking about the previous topic anymore, that how could I interrupt her to do something like that. And it was not like I interrupted her in a rude way or anything, she just got upset.

I know that it is normal for pwBPD to have these conducts, but sometimes it is just so unexpected and out of the blue that I’m thrown off by the whole situation.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I have noticed this in pwBPD. I don't know if it's a BPD symptom, possibly NPD, or just a personality trait. My uBPDgf has a very difficult time listening to people in a conversation. She tries very hard to listen, but only to the point that she can interject with her own anecdote and derail the conversation. It's not intentional... She just has no empathy skills.

Example:
Friend: we were on vacation in San Francisco and we saw many homeless people.
uBPDgf response: there are a lot of homeless people near where I live too. It's really beginning to turn into a problem.
... end of conversation...

Example:
Friend: my child is a picky eater.
uBPDgf: my child was always a picky eater [gives examples]
... end of conversation...

There doesn't seem to be any bad intent or even any bragging here. That's why I don't think it's simply "wanting to talk about myself". It's just that she has no ability to empathize, or ask questions about another person's situation.

[alterK]

Hi Chibid! First thing to realize is that if you stay with this lady you are going to have these problems for a long time, maybe permanently. You can learn how to deal with her in more effective ways that are less likely to end in trouble, but unless she gets treatment (and you can't make her go) her basic behavior won't change.

If you look at posts on this board you will see that there are many people who have been in long-term relationships with BPD partners (me being one) who are still struggling. I started reading, and joined this group when I saw a crisis coming and needed to figure out how to deal with it.

So, with realistic expectations, you have to decide whether you want to remain in this relationship. If you think you want to stay, I'd suggest you ask yourself the difficult question: Why? Not that you would be a bad person for staying, but you should try to be honest with yourself about your reasons.

[maxsterling]

So, with realistic expectations, you have to decide whether you want to remain in this relationship. If you think you want to stay, I'd suggest you ask yourself the difficult question: Why? Not that you would be a bad person for staying, but you should try to be honest with yourself about your reasons.

Good advice.  Look at your goals here.  Are you hoping for marriage/kids?  Are you wanting a "soulmate" relationship for life?  Do you have expectations of a "stress free" relationship?

You are 6 months in.  In any relationship you need to periodically evaluate whether the relationship will meet your needs.  Especially true in a BPD relationship.

[Chibid]

Good advice.  Look at your goals here.  Are you hoping for marriage/kids?  Are you wanting a "soulmate" relationship for life?  Do you have expectations of a "stress free" relationship?

You are 6 months in.  In any relationship you need to periodically evaluate whether the relationship will meet your needs.  Especially true in a BPD relationship.

I think that I got this clear, the perspective of what I want and why I want it. However, alterK is right: part of that perspective that I should have in mind is that it could be a struggle even in the long term.

Has it ever happened that the future looks so bright that any of you have lost this perspective? Furthermore, has it ever happened that sometimes having perspective is not enough?

On the second question, I've had moments where I've lost it and I haven't known what is this perspective I'm thinking about (bear in mind that I maintain that I want this relationship and I'm willing to do what is in my hands to maintain and better the relationship, it's only for a brief moment that I get lost). Immediately after (once I get it back), I've felt guilty for not being able to maintain this perspective in my head; so I think that I should be able to understand what has happened and make amends with it, but this is can be very difficult as I feel like I carry the weight of every argument or situation that goes south.