How do you deal with not knowing where you are?

[Laylabelle1]

Okay, so I know I should walk away but my person with UDBPD/NPD is doing a really good job of keeping me here with my head all over the place. My main problem is not being able to talk or get my feelings out. Realistically he stopped contact in December after being obsessively in touch for years, but we do see each other every couple of weeks
( somewhere we both know we will be, we talk but never really sort anything out). I reached out when I felt him pulling away and he always replied proclaiming depression but deep love for me. He's been going through an acrimonious breakup of marriage and for my part, I have felt since then that his situation improved. He denies this, keeps telling me things are bad but at least he has somewhere to live for now, has recently changed employment, looks healthy and fairly happy. Our most recent encounter was short with him declaring that our 'relationship' is still the same, nothing's changed. He wants to know my schedules and whereabouts and plans says he's looking out for me all the time  but isn't sharing anything about his own which is making me feel he has something to hide.  I am having trouble coming to terms that he is stringing me along because of his really convincing and seemingly genuine happiness when he's with me and his demeanour and body language feel genuine. Its beginning to fire up anger in me. I won't reach out because I don't want to be pushy whilst he says he's not in a good place and also because any broken boundary i mention he has an excuse for,leaving me frustrated because I know he can contact easily.

I don't know which board to post on. I am still here because I've had serious BPD behaviour from him over the years, The male borderline waif by Mari Shreiber is a perfect example of every single trait and scenario, and because of that I'm making excuses for him 'he can't help it he's insecure' etc.
I spend a lot of time worrying that I said or did something wrong and if I ask he's vague, very passive.
I think the time has come for me to let go ( because he isnt contacting me even after specifically saying he will) but I don't know how to deal with my own feelings that I've been used until things improved for him. I feel totally confused and stupid for allowing it to happen.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

. My main problem is not being able to talk or get my feelings out. 

Can you share what you would communicate..if you could get them out?  Tough place...not being heard.

 

Best,

FF