bit of an update and hello to old friends here...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First off...want to apologize that I haven't been around here much...there are some very good and lovely folks here...I have just been busy a bit and certainly didn't mean it as a slight...

so those who might know my story...thought I would give an update on the various updates I have given before...it's been a heck of a 5 months since she took off in December...I won't go back over it really...those who followed will remember I am sure...

So I am fine...really ok...glad all this took place in some weird way...love living alone again and glad she is gone and out of my world...

that said...

well, last week a male friend got me out of the house and wanted me to come over to a small get together thing on someones lawn...just a few folks...a few women...some dogs...and sure, be good for me...anyhow, once there I end up really clicking with a woman there (and no, not clicking dating or anything or sex...just as a new friend...we both really just got on like gangbusters...just a new friend...and she said the same thing to me..."oh my gosh, Jeff how have I never met you around here...you are wonderful...can we be friends please" etc...sure! And this is rare for me...but I love close female friends ...

anyhow, I am babbling a bit...so as the evening goes on someone else there mentions me and Lila...and this female I have been talking with all night says..."wait a minute...oh my god...jeff and Lila...? Lila from our village school?" Yes, I say...she says..."you are THE JEFF?"

 Yes I say...feeling uncomfortable...and wondering where this is going...

She takes my hand and says we need to talk and proceeds to tell me her son was a student of Lila's when she worked here in this small village school of ours...and I was the mailman...this started pretty much the day Lila moved in with me...and apparently, Lila was telling EVERYONE there...all the parents, the other teachers...which of course got all round town...that she was living with a monster who constantly BEAT her...I mean beat her hard and physical...all the time...who was a total terror to her...and everyone in town and in her life bought  into this...she became the poster girl for abused terrified women living with a total spychopath male abuser to them...ishe created this image in their minds ...wanted them to think this..it went so far that they all raised a few grand so she could move out of the "monster's" house to safety...and  became upset when she didn't (the excuse was she felt I would track her down to murder her...)

Long story trying to be short...the entire 6 years she was here she was telling everyone this...in my own tiny community...suddenly it all makes sense even the strange social run ins I would have with folks...I thought I was paranoid...while meanwhile at home, Lila is telling me she has never felt so happy with any man in her entire life...she has never had so much love and support...telling my FAMILY  this on the phone with them...and manipulating all her surrounding reality...she controlled everything via her stories and lies...the town is just starting to figure this out as I am as to what really happened over these six years...


Clearly she was a total and complete sociopath...

When this woman told me all of this...I was shaking...and started crying...I feel rather like the wife who finds out finally her loving husband and good guy was the serial rapist all along...it is SO CREEPY...

anyhow, that is the update...Jeff

[cash05458]

First off...want to apologize that I haven't been around here much...there are some very good and lovely folks here...I have just been busy a bit and certainly didn't mean it as a slight...

so those who might know my story...thought I would give an update on the various updates I have given before...it's been a heck of a 5 months since she took off in December...I won't go back over it really...those who followed will remember I am sure...

So I am fine...really ok...glad all this took place in some weird way...love living alone again and glad she is gone and out of my world...

that said...

well, last week a male friend got me out of the house and wanted me to come over to a small get together thing on someones lawn...just a few folks...a few women...some dogs...and sure, be good for me...anyhow, once there I end up really clicking with a woman there (and no, not clicking dating or anything or sex...just as a new friend...we both really just got on like gangbusters...just a new friend...and she said the same thing to me..."oh my gosh, Jeff how have I never met you around here...you are wonderful...can we be friends please" etc...sure! And this is rare for me...but I love close female friends ...

anyhow, I am babbling a bit...so as the evening goes on someone else there mentions me and Lila...and this female I have been talking with all night says..."wait a minute...oh my god...jeff and Lila...? Lila from our village school?" Yes, I say...she says..."you are THE JEFF?"

 Yes I say...feeling uncomfortable...and wondering where this is going...

She takes my hand and says we need to talk and proceeds to tell me her son was a student of Lila's when she worked here in this small village school of ours...and I was the mailman...this started pretty much the day Lila moved in with me...and apparently, Lila was telling EVERYONE there...all the parents, the other teachers...which of course got all round town...that she was living with a monster who constantly BEAT her...I mean beat her hard and physical...all the time...who was a total terror to her...and everyone in town and in her life bought  into this...she became the poster girl for abused terrified women living with a total spychopath male abuser to them...ishe created this image in their minds ...wanted them to think this..it went so far that they all raised a few grand so she could move out of the "monster's" house to safety...and  became upset when she didn't (the excuse was she felt I would track her down to murder her...)

Long story trying to be short...the entire 6 years she was here she was telling everyone this...in my own tiny community...suddenly it all makes sense even the strange social run ins I would have with folks...I thought I was paranoid...while meanwhile at home, Lila is telling me she has never felt so happy with any man in her entire life...she has never had so much love and support...telling my FAMILY  this on the phone with them...and manipulating all her surrounding reality...she controlled everything via her stories and lies...the town is just starting to figure this out as I am as to what really happened over these six years...


Clearly she was a total and complete sociopath...

When this woman told me all of this...I was shaking...and started crying...I feel rather like the wife who finds out finally her loving husband and good guy was the serial rapist all along...it is SO CREEPY...

anyhow, that is the update...Jeff

[Rex31807]

That is awful. Im sorry you had to hear that. I cant believe how horrible that is and being alone is preferable to living in that hell. You deserve better. 

[B53]

Cash,

Wow, that must have been a shock! It seems like the truth is finally coming but. I think there is more going on with her, than just BPD.

I’m so happy that your life has turned around. I am glad you gave us an update, I have been wondering what you have been up to.

Wishing you the best!
B53

[khibomsis]

Cash, I am so sorry to hear that! It must have been a huge shock. I hope you manage to get some therapy at some  point to help you process.
I guess on the positive side you will feel relieved that she lit out when she did. She probably couldn't keep the lies going any longer.

[brighter future]

Cash, it was great to get an update from you. I've been wondering how you are doing, as I've not seen you post in at least 5-6 weeks.   I'm here on the forum on and off during the weekdays, but I'm not on much during the weekends.

I was wondering if your employment opportunity panned out. If I'm not mistaken, you stated that you hoped to start the new job when you posted on the forum last month.  Hopefully everything worked out, and you're getting back on your feet financially.

You and I have discussed this before, but what your ex was saying to all of the people at the school was kind of like what my BPD ex-wife was saying about me only I think you had it much worse than I did. I'm so sorry that was done to you. Thank goodness that woman is out of your life.  When the ex-wife and I were in court, the judge didn't buy any of it and said so in courtroom and the decree that he wrote after the hearing. After that, she dropped her nonsensical claims about being abused and being terrified of being alone with me. While we were married, all I heard was how abusive and terrible her parents were. After we separated and probably shortly before, I became the abuser and her parents were golden. She went back to college after our divorce and stated that someone grabbed on campus her while she was on her way to her car and raped her. This was after the divorce and before our hearing for child custody. My attorneys asked for police and doctor reports for the alleged incident/crime in discovery. None were ever produced. My attorneys and I believe this was all a lie fabricated by her to get attention/sympathy from everyone.

Your story about your ex being the teacher of your new friend's child really hit home with me. I found out last week that my ex-wife was my therapist's son's teacher 12-13 years ago. How weird is that? Anyway, I have some very close personal friends, a husband and wife,  that I've known for 21 years. The wife asked me who my therapist is 3-4 weeks ago. I gave my friend the therapist's name. She said, "Oh my goodness! I know your therapist personally. We were friends and saw each other regularly from 2001 - 2010 or so. _________ (my ex-wife) was her son's teacher. She and her husband pulled their son out of that school because of ________ (my ex-wife) and transferred him to another school across town." I asked my friend what my therapist's son's first name is. Once my friend told me, I couldn't believe it. I listened to my ex-wife complain about this boy and several others in the class/school almost daily saying how terrible they were and that the parents were unreasonable. She also complained frequently and had conflicts with other staff members/fellow teachers, school administrators, board members, parents of students, etc. Everyone was always wrong and she was always right of course. Following the birth of our child, my ex wanted to take a semester or two off of work then return. The school administrators granted leave but had to fill her teaching position. When she tried to return 6-9 months later, they said that they had nothing for her. My guess is that was their way of getting rid of her. She has since changed professions and is no longer a teacher. Funny thing is she hasn't worked since last October due to her mental health issues. Who knows when she will return.

I had a session with my therapist a week ago. I came out and said that I had just learned that my ex-wife was her son's teacher in 2008 - 2010, and I told her how I found out. She told me that she knew my personal friends and confirmed that my ex was her child's teacher. She said that she put two and two together several months ago but did not want to mention it as she thought it might make me uncomfortable. My ex taught her son for one full year, and it was a miserable year. Once they found out he would have her again the following year, they pulled him out of the school as did another student's parents. She also told me that other parents had complained to the school administrators about my ex-wife. Before we wrapped up talking about my ex-wife, my therapist actually said "Be thankful that your daughter was born a girl because I think your ex has something against boys." Funny thing is, I told my ex that while we were married due to all of her complaints about her male students and men in general. The fallout from my comment was not good, I can tell you that much! I paid for that comment for days, but damnit it was true. It's good to know that I'm not the only one that noticed it. The girls in her classes were always golden and could do no wrong. I'm curious about your ex. Did she have any issues with the school staff or any of the students and their parents while she worked there? That's the crazy thing about BPD. These people can't get along with anyone for long either in the home, workplace, or wherever.

My uBPD ex-g/f has popped up in my backyard twice in the last two weeks while visiting her folks next door. It's been really awkward.  A mutual friend of ours told me yesterday that she's thinking about relocating to a town about 45 minutes to an hour away. In today's housing market, that might be hard to do because the rent in that area is a lot higher. If she does move, that will mean that she will be next door at her folk's house a lot less, which will be good for me to keep moving forward.

Keep doing what your doing, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

[MeandThee29]

Wow! That's disturbing but I hope provides some clarity.

Mine talked and talked during separation when we were supposedly trying to fix it. He made me the villain with his family to the point that I kept them at arm's length and wondered how I could ever interact with them again. They found out things that NO ONE else knew which made me sick and then all kinds of falsehoods. He spun me as a destructive crazy person from day one.

I mentioned that to my very wise aunt once the divorce process started, and she commented that she had a long-standing policy of not letting people talk bad for very long about their partners unless it was truly on the way out. She didn't like sitting with a couple at the dinner table where she knew their dirt in detail. I figured. When we separated, she offered to pay for therapy, saying that she was not one to help me put it back together again but that she loved me and wanted whatever was best for me.

My clarity came during the divorce process. At one point his attorney decided that I probably wasn't as bad as it was being presented and told my ex to get a life and get it over (or something equivalent). Then when he next talked to mine, he asked what I was like because he had his doubts from what he was being told. Mine said that I was perfect client in his eyes -- respectful and responsive. He said that I treated him and his staff well and had reasonable expectations. Apparently there was quite a strong reaction from my ex's attorney from what I was told later. Then they both knew who was who, and I had the opinions of two very experienced divorce attorneys on my side. Yes, clarity.