The end. It’s time to heal

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, it seems the end of something for me.
I’m tired of this game. Playing through social media, pushing me, stalking my social media and when I contact her, withdraw again.
She didn’t answer the last few weeks and last week, I texted her saying I was coming in her city and we can grab a coffee together as friends.
She raged on me because I contacted her sisters few months ago when I didn’t have news from her during a long time (I’ve never met her sister).
She said she doesn’t want to do with me anymore and doesn’t want to be friend or even sharing a coffee.
I said ok but I did contact her because I was worried for her. That I accept the fact and her message as a stop (finally). That I lost 2 years of my life by waiting most of the time while she was not ok.
Then I asked her to not looking at me in the street next time she sees me (small city where she lives and I come often here).
And said that I blocked her also in social media and don’t want to let her coming back in my life as she did last year to come back.

Now I need some tips to move on. Lost 2 years of my life and don’t want to put any effort on this. She’s crazy and I’m becoming crazy as well.
My family and friends don’t recognize me and they know how strong I am usually.
But I don’t understand as well why she doesn’t block me finally my messages if she was that upset ? does she expect to come back? should I block her ?

[Anonym2806]

Well, it seems the end of something for me.
I’m tired of this game. Playing through social media, pushing me, stalking my social media and when I contact her, withdraw again.
She didn’t answer the last few weeks and last week, I texted her saying I was coming in her city and we can grab a coffee together as friends.
She raged on me because I contacted her sisters few months ago when I didn’t have news from her during a long time (I’ve never met her sister).
She said she doesn’t want to do with me anymore and doesn’t want to be friend or even sharing a coffee.
I said ok but I did contact her because I was worried for her. That I accept the fact and her message as a stop (finally). That I lost 2 years of my life by waiting most of the time while she was not ok.
Then I asked her to not looking at me in the street next time she sees me (small city where she lives and I come often here).
And said that I blocked her also in social media and don’t want to let her coming back in my life as she did last year to come back.

Now I need some tips to move on. Lost 2 years of my life and don’t want to put any effort on this. She’s crazy and I’m becoming crazy as well.
My family and friends don’t recognize me and they know how strong I am usually.
But I don’t understand as well why she doesn’t block me finally my messages if she was that upset ? does she expect to come back? should I block her ?

[Sappho11]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It's important to remember that even if she comes back, she'll never do it for you. She'll only do it for herself. That's why she's not blocking your messages. She's breadcrumbing and benching you, to have you as her fall-back guy.

"My family and friends don’t recognize me and they know how strong I am usually." That resonated with me. Despite a high psychological resilience, my relationship with my BPDex pushed me to the brink of anxiety and near-panic attacks. If you're suddenly acting in a manner that isn't the norm, or your loved ones don't recognise you, it's a sign that something is very, very wrong. It's your psyche and your body telling you that you're in an emergency situation and need to get the hell out.

Someone wrote in another thread that the healthy, smart choices in the long run are often the most difficult and painful in the short term. This is very true for detaching. It might help to remind yourself that it's not primarily the person she is that you miss, but that you're simply carrying around a lot of unfulfilled needs. If she hasn't fulfilled them by now, she likely never will. But in all statistical likelihood, someone else (and healthy) will eventually appear in your life who will.

The loss of two years is regrettable, for sure, but I'm sure it included a lot of lessons on what you don't need and what you wish to avoid the next time.

[Sappho11]

I just remembered something you might find helpful.

Take out two sheets of paper, or open two different blank files in a word processor. Then imagine and write out two scenarios:

1) What will happen if you stay in touch and/or eventually take her back.
2) What will happen if you cease all contact for good.

Don't think too hard about it. Just write down whatever comes to mind. Make sure the focus is on what will happen to you and your life.

You may come to your own conclusions this way.

For me, the first scenario was nightmarish, while the second one held the promise of everything I've ever wanted. Now, when I miss my ex, I go back and re-read these two "life outlines". It massively puts the short-term pain in perspective.

[once removed]

some people just are not into blocking.

blocking may be one tactic when you need to build high walls to in order to detach or avoid someone.

if you want to detach, it will not come through blocking her, or her blocking you. it will come through letting go and being emotionally done.

[Sappho11]

some people just are not into blocking.

blocking may be one tactic when you need to build high walls to in order to detach or avoid someone.

if you want to detach, it will not come through blocking her, or her blocking you. it will come through letting go and being emotionally done.

Fair enough, but it seems OP is indeed one of those other people. If her social media interactions with him are making him ill, that's a clear sign that staying in touch and detaching might not be a realistic prospect.

Maybe I'm extreme, because I never understood people who stay in touch with exes, especially immediately after the break. People need distance to clear their heads and see a relationship for what it is, without getting sucked back in by oxytocin and dopamin clouding their judgement.

It may be different if you meet up with an ex-lover a year or two after the last contact, but leopards generally don't change their spots, and also you never completely fall out of love. More often than not, remaining in touch just leads to re-cycling.

It sounds as if Anonymous is done with that.

[Anonym2806]

She’s into blocking as she did on whatsapp, telegram, instagram but not in imessage.
I moved on, I had a few dates the last few weeks and I see more respect from women I even don’t know than my ex.
I feel so good but sometimes I think about her.
I need to keep this way but thank you to the community of this website, it helps me a lot to read all the topics.