BPD ex-boyfriend's mother got in touch.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD ex and I separated a little over three weeks ago. We've known one another for almost three years and were together for eight months. He broke up with me after four months, then again after eight months, for no real reasons (as one is wont to do).

I'd always got along great with both of his parents. In the wake of the last (and in my mind, final) separation, I wrote them a short letter, thanking them for their many invitations and the pleasant evenings together (they know I have no family and had me over for Christmas, for example). I also said that I was sorry that it hadn't worked out with their son and me, that I had loved him dearly, and that I hoped we could both learn from the whole situation.

Because I was still heavily mired in FOG at the time (despite him effectively doing the breaking-up), I added my contact details and said that if he fell into long-term melancholy, and if they thought I could help him as a friend, they should feel free to contact me. (He doesn't really have close friends, only acquaintances.) Not sure I would have done that today, but I gave my word and here we are.

(It only occurred to me later that he was almost certainly BPD (I know the dynamic and behaviours well from a diagnosed friend of my youth), and I suspect based on certain circumstances that he likely even knew of his illness, but that he simply never told me.)

I'd phrased the whole letter in a manner that didn't warrant a reply. Anyhow... his mother now has replied regardless, politely thanking me back for the happy times and adding that she's available for a talk ("this, without playing a part in [my] relationship with [her son]").

Now I'm speculating about her motives, and whether I should indeed go talk to her. Was she just being polite? Is she trying to patch things up for her son? Does she feel guilty because I don't have parents of my own, or is she just following a maternal instinct? I don't know if I want to talk to her. What would I tell her? That her son is a textbook example of BPD? That might hurt her. Perhaps she doesn't even know. (Though he was in therapy for an undefined disorder starting in his early adolescence... but who knows.)

So far I'm thinking of not responding at all. But I'm not sure that's the right cause of action.

Please advise.

[Sappho11]

My BPD ex and I separated a little over three weeks ago. We've known one another for almost three years and were together for eight months. He broke up with me after four months, then again after eight months, for no real reasons (as one is wont to do).

I'd always got along great with both of his parents. In the wake of the last (and in my mind, final) separation, I wrote them a short letter, thanking them for their many invitations and the pleasant evenings together (they know I have no family and had me over for Christmas, for example). I also said that I was sorry that it hadn't worked out with their son and me, that I had loved him dearly, and that I hoped we could both learn from the whole situation.

Because I was still heavily mired in FOG at the time (despite him effectively doing the breaking-up), I added my contact details and said that if he fell into long-term melancholy, and if they thought I could help him as a friend, they should feel free to contact me. (He doesn't really have close friends, only acquaintances.) Not sure I would have done that today, but I gave my word and here we are.

(It only occurred to me later that he was almost certainly BPD (I know the dynamic and behaviours well from a diagnosed friend of my youth), and I suspect based on certain circumstances that he likely even knew of his illness, but that he simply never told me.)

I'd phrased the whole letter in a manner that didn't warrant a reply. Anyhow... his mother now has replied regardless, politely thanking me back for the happy times and adding that she's available for a talk ("this, without playing a part in [my] relationship with [her son]").

Now I'm speculating about her motives, and whether I should indeed go talk to her. Was she just being polite? Is she trying to patch things up for her son? Does she feel guilty because I don't have parents of my own, or is she just following a maternal instinct? I don't know if I want to talk to her. What would I tell her? That her son is a textbook example of BPD? That might hurt her. Perhaps she doesn't even know. (Though he was in therapy for an undefined disorder starting in his early adolescence... but who knows.)

So far I'm thinking of not responding at all. But I'm not sure that's the right cause of action.

Please advise.

[Sappho11]

I should add that the mother's reply is somewhat in her spirit -- her boyfriend's ex before me is still working at her firm and using one of their cars on a daily basis.

Not sure what dynamic is at play here.

[grumpydonut]

Hey Sappho,

Not meant to be confrontational. You seem very analytical, and this sounds like overthinking.

[khibomsis]

Sappho you have done well so far in your detachment.  I would say dont respond.  Bound to involve you in triangulation.  Focus on what you can do for you. 
BPD does not come from nowhere. Family of origin stuff often plays a role. Sounds to me like the mother is a caretaker, set him up  to expect that from his partner.  She had the best of intentions of course, but I would advise count your blessings and leave the whole mess alone.

[Sappho11]

Hey Sappho,

Not meant to be confrontational. You seem very analytical, and this sounds like overthinking.

Not at all, you're probably right. I think it's one of the "souvenirs" from my past relationship.

Best not to go down that route, it's true. Curiosity killed the cat, after all.

Sappho you have done well so far in your detachment.  I would say dont respond.  Bound to involve you in triangulation.  Focus on what you can do for you.  
BPD does not come from nowhere. Family of origin stuff often plays a role. Sounds to me like the mother is a caretaker, set him up  to expect that from his partner.  She had the best of intentions of course, but I would advise count your blessings and leave the whole mess alone.

Thank you. Good point bringing up triangulation, I only learnt about it the other day, will do some more reading on the matter.

You're spot on with your assessment. BPDex also always mentioned how similar our relationship and our roles were to the relationship and roles of his parents to one another. I can see it, and it sometimes made me wonder whether I wanted it to be that way because for the largest part, his father seemed to be the taker and the mother the giver. The father seemed reasonably sane and healthy, though he had the same trait as his son of being unable to see an opposing viewpoint, or even compromising on the littlest things. I've often admired his mother for her grace and patience, I don't think I could replicate that.

The mother being the caretaker... oh dear, the things of which that reminds me. Such as BPDex often postponing our dates/phone calls for an hour or three when his mother had spontaneously made him breakfast or dinner. Then of course snapping at me for not "allowing him anything that makes him happy" when I said I felt that my time was underappreciated in such situations.

He even voted what she voted for politically, with the sole reasoning "I have no clue, but [her name -- he never called her "mom"] knows what she's doing". He's almost thirty years old and he still relied on her to buy him clothes and shoes. In hindsight, there was probably a good deal of enmeshment between the two.

...why did I remain in that relationship again?

Thank you for the good advice.

[Sappho11]

I should add that the mother's reply is somewhat in her spirit -- her boyfriend's ex before me is still working at her firm and using one of their cars on a daily basis.

Not sure what dynamic is at play here.

Can't modify that post anymore, subsitute "her boyfriend's ex" with "her son's ex".

Freudian slip.

[babyducks]

here is my two cents.

we used to talk a lot here about detaching with grace.    or detaching with kindness if that is a better phrase.

and that rang bells with me.   I didn't feel comfortable with the acrimonious break up and all the gossip and tenseness that swirled around it.     I live in a small community and knew I would see my Ex and her friends regularly.  for a while that was difficult as I tried to navigate through all the potential landmines.   and the people who really wanted to talk to me about it.

I tried to deflect the conversation away from any intense details, respond briefly and move into other subjects.     kind of a "thanks for asking, but lets talk about other things today,... how's your tennis game" kind of approach.

its about boundaries after all.

do you want to have a conversation with her?

[Couper]

What everybody above said.  Spot on.

I'd phrased the whole letter in a manner that didn't warrant a reply.

Just out of curiosity, was there anything in the mother's letter that warranted a reply?  If not, I think it makes it that much easier to put it down and walk away.

[Sappho11]

here is my two cents.

we used to talk a lot here about detaching with grace.    or detaching with kindness if that is a better phrase.

and that rang bells with me.   I didn't feel comfortable with the acrimonious break up and all the gossip and tenseness that swirled around it.     I live in a small community and knew I would see my Ex and her friends regularly.  for a while that was difficult as I tried to navigate through all the potential landmines.   and the people who really wanted to talk to me about it.

I tried to deflect the conversation away from any intense details, respond briefly and move into other subjects.     kind of a "thanks for asking, but lets talk about other things today,... how's your tennis game" kind of approach.

its about boundaries after all.

do you want to have a conversation with her?

That's a good question. Probably not. I do question her motives but I guess I'm just wrestling with the fact that there are a great many things about my ex and his family that I will never know. That does reinforce the pain of breaking up.

In terms of being civil, there's no risk of running across any of the two -- I live in a big city.

What everybody above said.  Spot on.


Just out of curiosity, was there anything in the mother's letter that warranted a reply?  If not, I think it makes it that much easier to put it down and walk away.

Just the offer of her being available for a talk "if wanted". Might just be a phrase, though (local custom is unclear on this and English isn't the language in which these exchanges take place, I should add).

Either way, even if she meant it, I probably wouldn't impose on her.