No treatment/no diagnosis don’t think I can cope with my partner ?

[Becks79]

Well this is how it’s, been...this is how it’s always been..
Confusing every day for me!
Firstly , I am not married (I have stated I nolonger wish to marry months ago) so that subject has never been mentioned again. I have no children only one dog.  I thank myself in one sense I did not have children,  I’m
41. it’s been a whirlwind and I would not like a child to have witnessed his rages. On the other hand he can be very sweet , sensitive , creative but totally all consuming and very changeable,  get something wrong when he’s moody  and he’s a time bomb waiting to go off full
Of immediate blame and a terrible temper.

State healthcare here in the uk for treatment of BPD is appalling or anything adult mental health related is bad, he has awaited a treatment plan for 3 years fir bpd and adhd and still received no care and has just been told Covid has set this back till sept at least. I’ve written to GPS , mental health care services and focus’s services d as do nothing will bring anything further forward.  I guess I’m hanging everything on this treatment to assist him but for us as a couple. He will not split from me and will not live separately he HATES his own company and hates to be away from  me he idealises me.  I am
now finding it suffocating and annoying at times
! Especially as we are together every day mostly as i Work from home,  he couldn’t keep a job as he’s too reactive in the workplace as he noticed all the faults .  H is now desperate to set up his own business however. . 
A mental health hospital identified he has extreme disregulation it can be very confusing for me as from one moment to the next you have a sweet guy or anendless moaning , angry/depressive  guy?
Does anyone lose have these experiences ? Any tips on coping or encouraging private care ? (He won’t entertain this at the moment) I know you can’t force someone to be treated

Today was ‘ok’with my partner (at least got a few hours)  , well I say ‘ok’ but he’s generally moody and has become even more serious.
We went out today and enjoyed the sun, phew no major upsets BUT I made a roast dinner as usual when we got back ,  he has become very annoyed at the littlest thing .  HE turned the potatoes down and so they weren’t cooked on time and wasn’t to his liking  but it was myself that gets the brunt of a  huge rage/tantrum  ‘ I’ll do the cooking in future’ he blasts out in a very hurtful and explosive manner you don’t  f*** care how things should be done.  He was bullish, nasty and condescending.  I am very hurt
And taken aback by this volcanic eruption.   He has become bullyng and mean out of nowhere again?  He always becomes raging  very quickly borders on sheer aggressivion, I’m not going to be spoken to like that which’s feeds his anger , there is no remorse and no talking to  him , he’s triggered . And tha other guy. So I leave any chance f sting, get in my car and park up for 2 hours at a garage late night. I have no food and drinks or anything, then I just go back gone and go upstairs, upset, hurt angry and frustrated. Thus another explosive episode. I iHave every month.  He apologies a few days later but nothing changes.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shu87]

@Becks79 yes that's exactly how my day looks like. My H would be so adorable, kind of very caring, talks all normal. Just one little thing could trigger his anger. It could be his favorite dish not cooked quite like what he expected it to taste or could be something I said that. Seems very familiar.

One thing we try to do is control by having a strict diet plan. Like cut down on sugar consumption. Try to eat a healthy diet. That helps to some extent. But some days it's hard to eat the right things, and things go wacky.

Take care,

[Jabiru]

Hi, and welcome. I think we all can relate to your experiences and I know it can be tough at times.

Any tips on coping or encouraging private care ? (He won’t entertain this at the moment) I know you can’t force someone to be treated

I've heard about DBT but have no experience on it or care in the UK. You're right that you can't force someone to do something they don't want to. But you can change your own thoughts and behaviors in a way that make it easier for you and will likely be less enabling to his BP behaviors. If you haven't already, I recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells followed by Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist to get into that mindset.

H is now desperate to set up his own business however.

Are you financially together or separate? It would be best to limit how much money he puts into the business to protect your financial well being.

it was myself that gets the brunt of a  huge rage/tantrum  ‘ I’ll do the cooking in future’ he blasts out

Maybe tell him calmly if he doesn't like your cooking that he can make something himself or pick up dinner somewhere. You don't have to suffer behavior that you find unacceptable. The same patterns will repeat until you break them.

get in my car and park up for 2 hours at a garage late night. I have no food and drinks or anything

Keep a bug out bag with food, water, medicine, and anything else helpful.

[Becks79]

Thank you for these helpful comments I appreciate this a practical advice.

The few friends
I have (1 infact) do not understand or care about me staying with someone like my partner and so I feel more alone  and frustrated, I distance myself as I’ve been very hurt in the past  by friends and always seems one sided and I listen to their issues. People have their own lives and don’t want to be bothered with me.. So I’m lonely some days.

We are living together (since 2018 full time) 16 years  in total in our relationship with the good, fantastic, eccentric and awful times too ! He is very generous with money and wants to support us but he can be erratic  and wants to spend a lot on setting up a business whilst keeping a a portion for a deposit .  Because he is older we can’t get a mortgage together the monthly premiums would be massive and out way my monthly salary so a mortgage would be in my name using some of his money as a deposit this would be my first ever house.  He has an inheritance of around $60,000 and he always says it’s our money.  However it’s in his account. I pay for the majority of bills with my salty and can’t hardly save much because he says he doesn’t want to waste his inheritance all our living costs.  I am so scared I’ll b left with nothing as he has some security if things ultimately go pea shaped.  He has no perm job though. .

  I’m the money earner at present and I’m knackered emotionally as some days it’s diffcyot ‘walking on egg shells’. Other days he’s super kind and full of positives but he’s changeable.
I don’t think he  wants to address has this disorder so does not seek treatment he wants to blame others the world for not being right?

[Cat Familiar]

Blame is a very common BPD issue, as is not wanting to seek therapy. They would rather externalize their interior emotional pain (project it upon others, the world, etc.) than look within. This pattern is unlikely to change without a significant commitment to therapy.