Making it Hard to Stay

[SS22_]

Hi everyone. I joined this group over the weekend, seeking a source of support online. I have been married for almost 14 years. My husband has suffered from a number of mental health issues over the years (depression, PTSD and anxiety) and it's led to infidelity, substance abuse, debt, and verbal abuse — not to mention a lot of broken things in our house. He has spit on me, pulled my hair, grabbed and shoved me. COVID has been tough and he turned highly on edge, blowing up at the seemingly smallest things so quickly. Each time I try and rationalize his behavior, chalking it up to someone that is really struggling with mental health. But his behavior has gotten increasingly irrational and there are large pockets of time where he will blow up in a big way over something trivial and yet will refuse to talk to me (at all), in our own house, for days and weeks on end. Right now we're on a full week of the silent treatment, and I had to cancel our mountain vacation over MDW as he refused to go. Therapy isn’t helping because he refuses to prioritize it, despite repeated asking. He won’t get on medication again, and so I end up tiptoeing around him and juggling the emotional extremes, feeling like I can’t ever win. I have watched him cut other people out of his life over the years, and feel like maybe it's finally my turn as it seems the bad parts of the relationship are overtaking the good parts and the ratio has shifted upside down.

While I am scared to "jump off the ledge" and leave, I am a hard-working woman and am financially able to take care of myself, which I am grateful for. The moods are to the point where I think I’d feel less stressed and anxious being on my own. How do you all know when it's time to go, and can anyone share their perspective on staying vs going based on your own choices? Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jordan_bg]

Hi,
I have no perspective as I'm currently in the same situation, the bad outweighing the good and feeling like i have to tiptoe around all the time. It's hard. We are "taking a break" now but it's kind of backfired becuase it has definitely aggravated his intense emotions and the fights have been very, very ugly. BUT, I do feel the difference being alone in my house with my kids and not having to worry about everything being just right. I still can't make the jump to end things permanently though. It's hard after so many years (13) of rescuing and supporting and adapting to his needs.
All that to say, no advice here but i did want to send some support and let you know that i hear you and i'm in the same boat!

[Becks79]

Hello both,

I am also in this  boat.  I’m struggling a lot as I have sporadically been on the receiving end of really mean outbursts.  I have adapted now by staying away from him for days.  Even though he’s apologised for his behaviour, each time it chips away at the good stuff .

I too do not know what to do we have been together 16 years but are engaged but not married no kids. He can be sensitive and sweet but then terribly moody /reactive.  If I reactive to any direct criticism he quickly goes off the scale.  I always just go out.

His behaviour has made me loose trust in him over the years but he has sometimes promised he will follow up treatment, he doesn’t.  It’s very difficult fir me to finally leave as I get the crying and pleading and I’m the best thing in his life.  I also admit I miss the good part of him but all this doesn’t help.

I don’t know what to do, his behaviour is very intense when he’s emotional or triggered and I too am walking on egg shells.  I have read the book too. It has also been 3 days for f silent treatment but that’s from me as I can’t stand the other man he becomes. I wish we could live apart and still see each other but he won’t have it.

[SS22_]

It's nice to know others can relate, for sure – thank you for the replies.

[Cat Familiar]

I have experience with both staying and leaving. How to choose your path? It depends upon how afflicted your partner is.

In my first marriage to a BPD husband (yay me! I’ve chosen 2!  ), I stayed for a long time, hoping that he’d get over the insane childish behavior— violence, financial irresponsibility, infidelity, drug and alcohol abuse. I hadn’t learned the tools we teach here, but even if I had, I wouldn’t have chosen to spend more years of my life dealing with the chaos he created.

My current husband is a sweetheart, afflicted with bouts of self loathing and depression. My ordinary “people skills” only served to make things worse, but with what I’ve learned here, things have greatly improved. He will always have a personality disorder, but we get along wonderfully 95% of the time. And he has those bouts of darkness, but I just remove myself and they pass me by.

It is possible to greatly improve some relationships.

[Dad50]

I agree. I am lucky or fortunate enough I guess that my pwBPD and I live in separate houses. When have my kids 5 days a week I stay at my house, but when my kids are with their mom I am expected to stay at my partners house the entire time. It is an exhausting five days. I yearn for the time to be back to my house while I am there, and dread having to go back when I am home. Still, I can't muster the courage to leave. The trauma bond is so fierce. I kinda wish someone wold just push me over the edge, so I would make the leap.

Hi,
I have no perspective as I'm currently in the same situation, the bad outweighing the good and feeling like i have to tiptoe around all the time. It's hard. We are "taking a break" now but it's kind of backfired becuase it has definitely aggravated his intense emotions and the fights have been very, very ugly. BUT, I do feel the difference being alone in my house with my kids and not having to worry about everything being just right. I still can't make the jump to end things permanently though. It's hard after so many years (13) of rescuing and supporting and adapting to his needs.
All that to say, no advice here but i did want to send some support and let you know that i hear you and i'm in the same boat!

[once removed]

for the overwhelming majority of us that arrive here, we are a significant contributor to "the problem", where "the problem" is about how both parties approach conflicts. when we clean up our side of the street, it can not just improve the relationship, but our partners often follow our lead; when it doesnt, it often makes our path clearer.

the things youre describing arent really about conflict per se, but more about his general dysfunction.

there are a lot of things that you can do in order to make your situation more comfortable, more bearable, like finding support (and i would suggest expanding even beyond here, like having a one on one therapist, if you havent already). even in the best circumstances and least volatile relationships, its not always easy to cope, and coping is a high priority.

at the end of the day, there is not a great deal that you can do to affect the behavior you describe, from your husband, short of an ultimatum.

that is, in essence, how you decide. you ask yourself if this is something you can live with, whether it realistically will get better or worse on its own, and whether youre prepared to live with it in either event.

is the physical abuse ongoing?