Specific Event that Caused the Relationships Demise

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In my case, my own reactions to my ExGFwBPD and subsequent mental health issues, caused our relationship to spiral out of control. However, I can actually pinpoint the exact event where I reacted completely inappropriately, and things started to become irreversible for us. So this leads me to wonder if this is a common thread in relationships with people with BPD.

Was there a single event that seemed to change the course of your relationship forever, or did things just slowly devolve over a course of years?

If there was a specific event, was this event triggered by something that you did, that was in response to the BPD's behavior?

For people that have spent many years in the relationship, did things ever get better after this initial event, or was the person with BPD, simply never able to let the past go?

I'm curious to hear your responses to see if there is any similarities to my situation.

[EZEarache]

In my case, my own reactions to my ExGFwBPD and subsequent mental health issues, caused our relationship to spiral out of control. However, I can actually pinpoint the exact event where I reacted completely inappropriately, and things started to become irreversible for us. So this leads me to wonder if this is a common thread in relationships with people with BPD.

Was there a single event that seemed to change the course of your relationship forever, or did things just slowly devolve over a course of years?

If there was a specific event, was this event triggered by something that you did, that was in response to the BPD's behavior?

For people that have spent many years in the relationship, did things ever get better after this initial event, or was the person with BPD, simply never able to let the past go?

I'm curious to hear your responses to see if there is any similarities to my situation.

[djg3665]

I am going through something similar right now.  In my case, we have been together for a little over 2 years total, off and on for 5 years.  Last year she started talking to another man who was promising her everything she wanted.  She did a photo shoot with him, who brought her "on location"; but that was when I told her that things looked suspicious, that it looks like another man brought my gf on a romantic weekend.  She denied it, but would use that to triangulate me vs. him over a period of 6 more months.  During that time, her rages became more and more, I was painted black, there was nothing I could do that was right.  One of her friends contacted me and asked if I talked to her, I responded yes, we talked this morning, like no big deal.  She saw that and that was what she needed to pin everything on me, that I was cheating on her with her friend.  No ability to reason, we live in different countries and I never met her friend, and it was a pandemic and I couldn't even enter the country again.  But she set-up a relationship with the photographer that day and moved-in with him.  I didn't find out for another week. 

This time, a female friend wrote to me, someone who I have known for much longer than my GF.  She immediately asked who am I talking to.  I sent a screenshot of my conversation and went to bed.  The next day my GF was normal, I deleted all of my conversations like I always do when I get the chat backup reminder.  Then the following day someone randomly messages me on Instagram that she is being unfaithful and on Tinder, I showed her the post.  And she just went into a rage about me talking to another woman.  She demanded that I send the entire conversation, and I told her that if she asked me a day earlier, I could send it.  Then she said that I am cheating on her and hiding things from her because I won't send her the messages.  I told her that I am doing nothing nefarious, I don't have the messages, but if it will make her feel better, I will contact my friend and have her take screenshots and send them.  I did that and my friend didn't respond, she then started accusing me of coordinating with my friend to delete everything so there is no evidence.  So this instance, a normal conversation with a friend from the opposite sex turned into me cheating, lying, hiding things, etc...

A little about my GF, she has cheated on me with 5 different men in 5 years, hasn't worked in 3 years outside of posting photos that men buy on an adult content website.  She has gone out to dinner with men she met on Instagram and Facebook, we were engaged and after she ended things the first time she sold the engagement ring, you get the picture.  When I took her back this time I told her that there will be no more chances. 

For me, it seems to be one incident, usually around things that she made up in her mind that, no matter how irrational it is, she knows that she is right and the only way to get out from the rage is to admit that I am doing what she has created in her mind.  This one incident for me is when another woman contacts me, regardless if it is platonic, it triggers her fear of abandonment and she starts planning her exit by setting-up potential other relationships while we are together.  She would rather abandon me first than be abandoned.  It doesn't matter what I say or do, she has painted me black because I had a friend ask how I was doing or her friend ask me if I talked with her.

[GaGrl]

My DH was married for many years to a uBPD/NPD who had blatant and constant affairs from about 18 months into the marriage. Each time was painful and traumatic to him, yet he stayed because of the two children. It easily could have gone the other way -- where he just left her. Eventually, it wore him dpwn. The point he knew it was over was when he left for a four-month-long leadership school necessary for him to move into a senior officer position (military). The sex the night before he left was as bad as it ever had been. When he returned four months later, the children ran to greet him, but his then-wife didn't bother to get off the phone with her current boyfriend. He says that, at that moment, he knew the marriage was irreparable. She eventually moved out, but it was years before he entered another relationship.

So...both specific events, plus getting worn down over time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey EZ, For me it was more like the straw that broke the camel's back because there were so many painful events over a period of many years, the accumulation of which wore me down over time.

LJ

[Rex31807]

For me it was when she started yelling at me on Christmas Eve. I specifically asked her if that was the reason her X cheated and it caused an uproar that lasted until 12/27. I packed stuff and left and she had a mental breakdown.  She ended up in a mental psych ward for 72 hours.

I went back but it got ugly again and never got better. In fact, it got worse. She would punch me in the face out of nowhere. It didn't hurt but it got to the point where I felt that if I didn't leave I could end up in jail protecting myself. If I pushed her or did anything defensive when she attacked me and she got injured my career and life was over. I had to leave.

That year when she started the verbal abuse was the demise of the relationship. I don't think she ever loved me at this point.

Rex