HALP Need wisdoms I'm in a "Love Bomb" Limbo of Hell...

[Gemmie]

Hi guys,

So, I'll try to my best to be brief!
(Ya'll know how easy it is to get carried away and type too damn much, here! LOL!)

But, yeah, I could really use some wisdom, guidance, and hear thoughts from my buddies here!

(After 25 years of marriage, he finally broke me to the point that I realized: I.just.can't.anymore. I have nothing left. I'm just numb.)

It happened after yet another (inconsequential - I think "I made a face at him") "rage/verbal abuse attacks" that escalated to him cutting off his wedding band... For all the previous threats of leaving, divorce, etc. - this was the first time he went that far.

In the past, he was always "back to normal" within a few days of the silent treatment/cold wars.

BUT - at that moment - For the first time, I didn't feel sick, or tearful, or anxious - but instead - like, "OMG! I'm FREE!" HE DID IT! Like, the I just "WOKE UP"...like, WTF am I doing. I love him, but I can't/don't want to do this anymore.

I'd already been on a downward spiral for the past couple years. I'd already become emotionally detached from him - I'd withdrawn from doing ANTYTHING with him (we literally only ate dinner together in front of the TV) because of fear that no matter what we did, it ALWAYS ended up with a rage/verbally cussing me out, demeaning me, breaking things, etc. Then, "back to normal" - for him.

So, I was largely trying to just live in the house - to co-habitate - but stay away from him. = Sort of like an EFF'D up ROOMMATE THING.

But, that night - I realized I can't do it any longer.

(Yes, his ring magically was soldered and back on his finger a few days later - but I had changed. I didn't care.)

I reconnected with a Therapist, started taking an AntiDep Med (my weight had dropped to 107 over the past couple of years, but no medical prob found). Weight loss, sleep problems, anxiety, unable to focus, constant on-edge-for him, ultimately was the physical result of 25 YEARS of this PTSD of living with a timebomb.

After A LOT of soul-searching (and a solid week or two), I told him I think I want to do a "Trial Separation."  (It was my intent to keep him calm. If I went straight to "divorce" he'd loose it and I was afraid.)

I want my own place, he knows this, and has now (FOR TWO MONTHS) been love-bombing to an absolutely ridiculous level.

I'm talking daily emails professing he will never get angry again, he will never hurt me, texts, phone calls, gift baskets, flowers, cards, you name it.

I told him I'd prefer that he doesn't do these things, because I NEED SPACE/TIME and this is all making harder for me.  He said "Good, I want it to be hard. And, I'm not going to stop. So, you better get used to it. I'm going to prove to you that I will never hurt you again."

He has begun therapy and is just being SO OVERLY DEMONSTRATIVE and despite me saying "thank you, but I wish you'd stop" - he flat-out refuses. He swears this is "different" and he will never ever hurt me again.

But, I have 25 years that suggest otherwise.

I'm just really struggling with this!

I'm still living in our martial home, while I'm house-hunting for myself. (That is a whole other story, because I've never lived alone before - literally - ever.)

And - I told him (initially) I was thinking of renting a place for a YEAR, to heal, to do my therapy and then we'll see what's what. (I DID NOT TELL HIM that I'm actually looking to get a mortgage. My rationale is - why throw all that money down the toilet in rent? At least with a mortgage - I will gain equity while I'm there.) - I feel like he'll loose his $hit when he learns that - but...cross that bridge, I guess (*sigh*).

I've tried to reassure him throughout that I do not want this to be bitter, and if it's all possible and it doesn't work out - we could still be in each other's world (if he needs anything, or vice versa - that may be overly-optimistic, though.)...because I DO NOT WANT TO HURT HIM. I'm not trying to "punish him" or anything at all punitive.

So - ultimately - SO SORRY FOR THIS LENGTHY POST!

I'm looking at places, while still living with him, and he is being SMOTHERING with the love-bombing and swearing he is "CHANGED in a way that he never thought possible."

It's shaking my resolve, and making my life harder because he refuses to give me the space I need. He's taking more of it than ever - but with affection and love - my goodness how messed up is that? Using "love and affection" as a weapon...

In a normal world, having someone being so demonstrative would prob feel great, but here, it's injuring me and making all of this SO much more difficult.

Anyways - I'll shut up so you guys can go get some eyed-rops cuz they're prob dehydrated now! Hahaha!

Any advice/words of wisdom/thoughts/suggestions? I'm being gaslit and trying to maintain, and I'm so afraid of this new future (how he'll act, IF I CAN REALLY HANDLE MY OWN PLACE, being "alone" for the first time ever, etc...)

(Oh, and thankfully we do not have kids. It'll just me. And *YEP* I told him I'm taking the dogs!)...

THANK YOU SOO MUCH for hanging in there to read this. I didn't wanna overwhelm folks with a huge post, but I guess I AM overwhelmed (LOL) and its all sorta gushed out!

THANK YOU!     

~Gemmie

[once removed]

It may seem counterintuitive, but if you are in a trial separation, living together, shaky resolve, what have you, you're a long ways from broken up, and you may want to post on the Bettering board.

There are two things happening (well, three) that are making this extra challenging.

1. The message that the relationship is over isn't clear. Therefore he's on his "best behavior" (pressuring you is not a great strategy on his end) to prevent that from happening.

2. You're conflicted. That is driving a lot of this. It's understandable; you fear how he will react, logistically it seems overwhelming, but the steps you are taking, have taken, are not the actions of a person committed to a breakup, but those of a person who is conflicted about it. Maybe you even hope that with time and space things could become more manageable and you just primarily want space. So long as you are conflicted, he will tend to respond to that. Even now, if you tell him it's over, he won't completely buy it.

The solution is likely to commit to one path or another, in your heart and mind, and to be clear about it in your actions. Easier said than done, I know. Remember, FOG is attachment.

If you want to improve things, a trial separation, and taking all the space you can, makes sense. His behavior is not promising, and I obviously would not go by it, but other steps could be taken.

If you want it to be over, push through the fear. You will need to be consistent, he will think he can change your mind and will probably try even harder now.

As for what he's doing, see it for what it is. It may make sense not to respond at all to the efforts, though, understand, that may drive him away. He's not seeing your "no" as rejection, but encouragement. If you ignore him, he will see it as rejection.

[Gemmie]

Hi, OR!

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your time, your energy and your thoughts.

I hear you loud and clear and you have a lot of insight.

As of yesterday, I did in fact, have an offer accepted on a townhouse nearby.

I will try (as long as possible) to have him believe it's only a rental - but if it comes up at some point, will tell him they had a "rent-to-buy option" and I went for it, because...well, investment property, in case we decide to reconcile at some point.

So, despite me staying away from him, but being cordial if he says something, he is believing that the love-bombing will work. It's about 2 months now. the longest he's sustained it has been 3 months and he is (himself) even counting it down...

I've been very clear that I have every intention of still moving out, but it has been a process (emotionally) for me and an ordeal just to find a place! I have to keep reminding him that it IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

He says he will accept that, but his behavior is trying so hard to change my mind. And that weakens my heart and makes me feel guilty and sad because I don't want to hurt him.

But I have been so horribly abused over 25+years of demeaning and downright vile attacks along with raging and breaking things around me - I know I deserve this time to heal and to realign myself  - REFIND myself.

So, I guess it's just hard because I know it has to happen, and as awful as he has treated me over the years - there's a part of me that will always love and care about him.

I hate that I feel like I'm hurting him, ya know?

But - the house is contracted now, and I'm setting up the inspection part. It's all so scary and I hope (though he said he understands and gives his blessings, that he'll freak out when it actually happens - so it's scary!) he will be able to handle it.

I've stressed that we cannot even divorce until we've been separated for At minimum 6 months in our state, but I'm just feeling like a year could be a better amount of time to see where we're at.

I wish he would've kept his cut-off wedding band off. Then, I wouldn't feel like a "bad-guy" for not taking his word that he's gonna do better and will NEVER HURT ME AGAIN...

Thanks for the shoulder! 

[EZEarache]

But - the house is contracted now, and I'm setting up the inspection part. It's all so scary and I hope (though he said he understands and gives his blessings, that he'll freak out when it actually happens - so it's scary!) he will be able to handle it.

Congratulations on the new pad! I'm looking forward to buying my own townhouse once my current lease is up, so I can really share your excitement.

If my past experience is any indication, you can expect a serious blast of dysregulation once the reality of the move really sinks in.

For me the initial trigger was our baby having a fall. ExGFwBPD was already flipping out on me over that even though it was her fault. A few days later when I tried to discuss my scheduling for packing, I was told to leave and screamed at while I was walking out the door.  The night I came back over to work on packing I was screamed at again and had to leave. I ended up finishing the packing while the movers were in the house, because fortunately, she left that day.

She's calmed down since then, and said in therapy around this time, she had no interest in getting back together. Her body language and comments when we are working on drop-offs, seem to say something a little different. Who knows...