I’m new here and looking for help

[Ferropater]

My wife blames me for all our problems despite being diagnosed with BPD and clearly having issues.  It’s all my fault and she verbally traumatizes me whenever I try to talk about what is obviously happening.  Family and friends are telling me that I need to get support because her abusiveness is causing me so much stress that it is apparent to anyone who knows me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[johnsang]

Well Ferropater - you've come to the right place.  You will get lots of support here  and ideas of how to start setting up boundaries and learning how you can love your wife well while protecting and loving yourself well too.  Have you looked at any of the videos on this website? For me, they were game changers.

This video was particularly enlightening for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ0IoPN8Yrs

Many years ago, (way before I understood my husband had BPD) I started with one very clear boundary.  It was very simple for me - this one boundary.  "You have the right to swear at me, but if you do, I leave the room, and I decide when I feel ready again to re-engage with you." It was very clear.  He tried it on for a few times - and I would literally calmly, leave the room. 

Now, with more understanding of my husband with BPD, there is nothing WORSE than losing my attention or physical presence.  So this was a powerful tool and boundary.

He doesn't swear at me anymore.  He still swears in heated conversation, but not AT me.  I no longer get called all the names. 

Have you tried setting any boundaries with your wife?