The waiting game

[Cromwell]

The reason i got out this relationship was the mutual assured destruction qualities.

She drew first blood, with the cheating, impulsive. It had no rational basis, it was malevolent abusive, and im not one to take a hit and not respond in kind.

Except if I was smart i would have. It became 3 elongated years of tete tat.

Fast forward to present day. I ignore her pity messages, i respond dispassionate to any others. Formal, business like. She impropmtu sends a nude pic i ignore it. She sends a picture of view from train i say how nice the scenery is.

Last message 3 days ago was a self rant of how awful people are and she's not going to stand for it anymore. I just thumbed up nothing more. That's what Facebook turned me into emperor like. Thumb up thumb down.

Didnt hear anything since. Unusual, based on the past. Either I've became an ultra efficient 'super soother' and a thumbs up is all thats needed. Or she's had to find some other schmuck.

Therapy taught me not to attach unhealthily. She has history and form for zoning in to every friend i had. So i had initial reservations to accept her in the feist place. But this contact has noticeably allayed that anxiety. Im not, concerned. Alot of these fears are crystallised in memory.

I told myself 'she can't jump through the Internet cable' and that's the extent of the relationship. Anything that upsets or overwhelms can get snoozed, blocked that's what they designed these features for.

That's all wanted to say. Its non drama, it's non conflict and it's banal. Just the way i want it. Things are going as planned.

[khibomsis]

Well done Cromwell  I am with you on that one. I'll take boredom over drama any day.

[Cromwell]

Thanks Khimbosis. A week of not hearing anything I've gradually got over the anxiety spike.

Dilution has been the solution to separating the strength of attachment. I recognise it looking back and i refer to it in present day. Since leaving her i got the opportunity to broaden and network widely. It started here and via connecting found that the experience has shared parallels. Beyond this, i rediscovered a life outside of the relationship. The more I've grown networking the less vulnerable I've been to turbulence from a single source. I could block her now and it would make little noticeable difference. I've cultivated healthy relationships in these years with healthier/healthy folk. Im not emotionally vulnerable anymore as i once was. Nor needy. Besides i discovered that she had little to offer of real substance if I did. All she knows is sex. And in her own moments of despair, a caregiver to manage her dysregulations, boredom and or depressions. That's fine, if she finds someone for that purpose, who is willing to take on the task and pay the price. Its just not anymore going to be my burden, I did my stint and the reward i got was a shabby blend of what mostly nostalgia look back on as resentment and disappointment.

Having her in contact is helpful reminder, its therapeutic and makes me compare to others I've got in life that have consistently over time not produced chaos and tragedy.

Is it a wise choice? Time will tell. I won't hide anymore, there was a time i needed to. My therapist told me to overcome fear is face it, but with appropriate safeguards.

I think im waiting for the inappropriate 5am 'im in a crisis' phonecall. And i can block.

What sort of person contacts out of nowhere nearly half a decade later. I ghosted her, made no effort to contact or reconcile.

Its OBVIOUS in the mind of any REASONABLE person that they want nothing to do anymore. All I've got so far is the sort of charm id expect and sex dangled on a stick with hook attached of the groundhog day 'lets try again' recycles. Oh And 'how hurt I made her'. Obviously not enough for her to contact. Unless she wants to resolve a grudge. Her venom does no work anymore besides provide me succor, to her own self defeat.

I've learned a lesson/learning to spot these signs and lose the gentleman act was brought up to. Its 2021.chivalry is over. At least for me. Im honestly waiting for opportunity to tell her to f off then banish again.

[once removed]

Im honestly waiting for opportunity to tell her to f off then banish again.

when contact with an ex does happen, it can be a way to gauge our detachment process.

at the same time, i wouldnt recommend someone go and deliberately test it, in the same i wouldnt recommend someone get back with their ex in order to break up with them, ya know?

if my ex were to contact me (its been over ten years since we broke up, and i dont expect that would happen), i could handle it emotionally. i could be cordial. im not sure what the point would be; we dont have anything to say to each other at this point, but if she really wanted to, i wouldnt reject her or feel the need to avoid her out of protection.

i dont see a lot of potential here for you to be wounded, or for you to go getting back together with your ex. at the same time, im wondering what the point is. it doesnt sound like you desire a friendship with this person.

so then, what is the waiting game all about?

is there an element, perhaps, of drama, some excitement to see what happens next? is there an element of using the contact to see her in a lesser way and make her less significant? is there an element of wanting an opportunity to reject her?

consider, in any of those cases, what might happen if things didnt go according to plan. for example, what if she, for whatever reason, started paying less attention, or even totally ghosted? it probably wouldnt be the end of the world for you, but at the same time, there can be a certain comfort in a situation like this, when one feels control over it, until they dont, and then the waiting game becomes about getting it back. in some ways, there can be an element of reliving the old relationship dynamics.

[Cromwell]

I had to think through, it is each of all of these things. There is also some form of intuition that after such a long time, and these feelings not fully abating. perhaps it is worth a try. There is something about the absence that creates in my own head a heightened anxiety than having some contact. Still, when I get a message notification (Sometimes dozens) it hits the anxiety, regardless of what the content is that follows.

I think this is a way to desensitize. id ghosted her and that was an awful way to find closure (I never fully did). But I did not have this group and I was emotionally in a riddled mess. Times have changed and I feel stabilised, I have support if it gets tricky. I already feel some confidence that im able to have distant contact and stay civil. Dont get me wrong, on certain days I feel I want to write her a whole page of how vile she is, what she has done and all the rest. but I let that moment pass and feel better about myself later on, and this is adding up cumulatively. Thanks as always. im alright again, it is the out-of-the-blue appearances that give the jolt affect. fortunately im not vulnerable, needy and impulsive enough. I reckon she has no choice but to recognise this too, she can fantasise/idealise/devaluate and all the rest, I wont touch her with a barge-pole. That time has long gone, and the work and suffering I went through will not be in vain.