How do you work on the relationship but protect your kids at the same time?

[Depression = 72% of members]

One of the big things I struggle with is trying to balance supporting my kids and my relationship with my pwBPD. I have gotten pretty decent about shrugging off a lot of the constant and passive aggressive jabs and sleights, but I am 47 year old adult.

I have my children 50% of the time, and when they are with me balancing has become hard and I don't know what to do. For the last five years I have tried so hard to make sure that everyone is included in everything we do. Me, my two kids, my partner and her kid.

The problem is that when I include us all, my pwBPD gets super triggered if I even talk to my kids while she is with us. She thinks I am neglecting her if I even make a comment to my kids, and the jabs towards myself and kids are relentless.

On the other hand, if I do anything with just my kids, to give them some time and attention, she thinks I am choosing them over her. I can go out of my way to make sure I plan 10 things with my partner, and give her a ton of attention, but if I plan one hour with my kids she feels like I am giving more to them than her.

Basically, I feel trapped. If I include everyone it is awkward and she is kind of mean to my kids. If I plan to do things separately it creates a huge blow up days long angst and my partner "getting even" for being neglected.

I honestly would love it if all five of us could do things together, but I don't want to subject my kids to my partners jabbing. I don't feel like I can ask my partner to "please not jab so much" because she will take that completely like I am on everyone elses side. Feeling kinda hopeless.

[Dad50]

One of the big things I struggle with is trying to balance supporting my kids and my relationship with my pwBPD. I have gotten pretty decent about shrugging off a lot of the constant and passive aggressive jabs and sleights, but I am 47 year old adult.

I have my children 50% of the time, and when they are with me balancing has become hard and I don't know what to do. For the last five years I have tried so hard to make sure that everyone is included in everything we do. Me, my two kids, my partner and her kid.

The problem is that when I include us all, my pwBPD gets super triggered if I even talk to my kids while she is with us. She thinks I am neglecting her if I even make a comment to my kids, and the jabs towards myself and kids are relentless.

On the other hand, if I do anything with just my kids, to give them some time and attention, she thinks I am choosing them over her. I can go out of my way to make sure I plan 10 things with my partner, and give her a ton of attention, but if I plan one hour with my kids she feels like I am giving more to them than her.

Basically, I feel trapped. If I include everyone it is awkward and she is kind of mean to my kids. If I plan to do things separately it creates a huge blow up days long angst and my partner "getting even" for being neglected.

I honestly would love it if all five of us could do things together, but I don't want to subject my kids to my partners jabbing. I don't feel like I can ask my partner to "please not jab so much" because she will take that completely like I am on everyone elses side. Feeling kinda hopeless.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ventak]

Hey Dad50!  I've followed a couple of your other threads and when this aspect of your relationship comes up I always get really sad.  I am not one of the experts on this site, but it appears to me that you really need to set up a boundary on this one and stick to it completely.

I've been terrible with boundaries myself, and it took two acts of violence for the state to come in and set the boundaries for me... so I understand it is much easier said than done.

Personally, my guess is that she is incapable of being with your children and not jabbing.  Your children deserve time with their father.  No, they need time with their father in a safe loving environment.  I would lovingly tell your pwBPD that you don't feel you are giving your children the 1:1 attention they need and find activities to do with them alone.  Make it about you and not her, but set a very firm boundary.  She will likely be explosive at first but will either learn to deal with it or not.  If she can't deal with it then is this a person you really want to be with?  I can't help with that question because I don't face that particular difficult question.

Unsure if you've read the books, but "Walking on Eggshells" and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" might help you as much as they have me in a similar situation (we have 2.5 year old twins together).

[once removed]

damn. personally, id say youre approaching this about as best you can.

trying to blend families is hard, in any relationship. inclusion and letting the other person have a say, and making them feel like a priority, those are probably the most important things.

still, you love someone with bpd, and that makes things inherently difficult. this may be very cold comfort, because its something vital to you, and in general, and its also a lingering sore spot for you. theres always going to be something; you love a difficult person. its sort of like, some couples fight all the time. either or both may want to change that, but if they want to maintain their relationship, its more important long term that those fights dont threaten the relationship than the fact that there are so many of them. in the same way, inclusion, a say, making your loved one a priority, these things dont necessarily assuage your loved ones insecurities, and they dont necessarily make her get along with your kids (but they create relationship security that is vital). its also valid if thats a deal breaker for you!

there are, of course, things you can try. im wondering for starters, the extent to which the two of you have ever talked about any of these things.

[Dad50]

It's hard to even talk about these things because it is so emotionally based. I mean, I hear what you say about centering the relationship and prioritizing my partner, and I have tried that, but it is never enough.

I mean, I can give my partner 24 hours a day for a week, then one day the following week I might ask for one hour a day to spend with my kids or even myself, still giving her 23 hours a day. It becomes an immediate blow up because of several reasons.

A) I must love those other people more than her or else I would be spending that hour with her
B) It's not fair that those other people got to do whatever we did, and I need to recreate that exact same activity with her.
C) I'm not prioritizing the relationship

I am trying to learn and embrace that logic has nothing to do with it, and I cannot JADE my way out. It just seems so crazy that I can literally devote 90% of my time to the relationship but any energy spent anywhere else means I am not prioritizing the relationship.

damn. personally, id say youre approaching this about as best you can.

trying to blend families is hard, in any relationship. inclusion and letting the other person have a say, and making them feel like a priority, those are probably the most important things.

still, you love someone with bpd, and that makes things inherently difficult. this may be very cold comfort, because its something vital to you, and in general, and its also a lingering sore spot for you. theres always going to be something; you love a difficult person. its sort of like, some couples fight all the time. either or both may want to change that, but if they want to maintain their relationship, its more important long term that those fights dont threaten the relationship than the fact that there are so many of them. in the same way, inclusion, a say, making your loved one a priority, these things dont necessarily assuage your loved ones insecurities, and they dont necessarily make her get along with your kids (but they create relationship security that is vital). its also valid if thats a deal breaker for you!

there are, of course, things you can try. im wondering for starters, the extent to which the two of you have ever talked about any of these things.

[Dad50]

Thanks so much. I have to be honest, that when I first start to read a response my immediate fear is that the responder is going to think I am a complete a-hole because I think I have been convinced I am crazy, or no one will believe that this could actually be happening. it is nice to know at least there are people out there that might understand.
Thanks,

Hey Dad50!  I've followed a couple of your other threads and when this aspect of your relationship comes up I always get really sad.  I am not one of the experts on this site, but it appears to me that you really need to set up a boundary on this one and stick to it completely.