At a loss

[CoherentMoose]

Quick thought.  Consider having your children visit a therapist on a regular basis whenever you have them.  Away from mom.  They each get their own session, or own therapist.  So they have a safe place to open up.  That is the path my fiancé is taking.  The trick is finding a good therapist.  It will take time, but a good therapist will help them going forward.  This is separate from any family therapy you may arrange for.  CoMo

[alleyesonme]

Quick thought.  Consider having your children visit a therapist on a regular basis whenever you have them.  Away from mom.  They each get their own session, or own therapist.  So they have a safe place to open up.  That is the path my fiancé is taking.  The trick is finding a good therapist.  It will take time, but a good therapist will help them going forward.  This is separate from any family therapy you may arrange for.  CoMo

Great tip here. I'm curious as to the age that's appropriate for this type of therapy. How young is too young?

[ForeverDad]

Great tip here. I'm curious as to the age that's appropriate for this type of therapy. How young is too young?

You don't have to wait until your children are in school.  And some here have found that pursuing counseling even well into the teen years was helpful.  Hey, even we here who have long since become adults see counselors and therapists!

My son was in counseling from age 3+ (play therapy) to 12 (graduated).  The T tried to wrap up counseling when the divorce was final and then again when I got full custody.  But the need didn't go away once there was a divorce decree or a change in custody.  It was  all about the conflict and disparagement and that didn't subside until I also had majority parenting time some 8 years after jumping into the legal matters, only then did my ex finally accept the boundaries (orders) set by the court.

A side point, at one point midway I tried to get another counselor's perspective after having gotten more authority from the court.  I recall asking her whether my ex ought to bring my son to some sessions too.  She got this shocked look and said No.  She hadn't even met my ex but...

That experience revealed to me a problem noticed often during comments here.  Our misplaced sense of fairness.  We reasonably normal people (Nice Guys and Nice Gals) have a normal sense of fairness but in our seriously abnormal circumstances we can't risk extending to our disordered ones anything (such as extra time and other "fairness" inclinations) that could be used to sabotage us, our parenting, or our children's best interests.

[CoherentMoose]

Great tip here. I'm curious as to the age that's appropriate for this type of therapy. How young is too young?

My Fiancé's children are 8 and 11 years old.  The 8 year old had her first session last week.  When we told her about the session, she scowled and said "Dad said Therapists are for stupid people and people who want to commit suicide.  I don't want to go.  Dad says my friends will call me stupid". 

Fortunately, the therapist was amazing and had a box of toys ready for her and asked her to put her name on the box.  She came skipping out of the session asking when could she come back?  Big smile on her face.  And even better was her older brother was there and asked if he would get his own box of toys when he goes.  The daughter's second session and the son's first session is this week.  We'll see how it goes.

I agree with ForeverDad and suggest starting therapy when they are young.  My put is when they can communicate basic emotional feelings to you, and then use a play therapist.  Be well.  CoMo

[frustratedperson]

How is it going?

Thanks Yeeter - and sorry for the slow reply.  It’s complicated and draining, but it’s going ok right at the moment. 

My middle son is still engaging regularly, but remains upset with me.  They are still being bombarded with the constant alienation focused comments etc.  I’ve been able to see them more frequently, and at my home which makes things much easier.

I’ve decided to re-engage counsel and litigate to improve my parenting schedule and introduce a parent coordinator.  It’s going to suck and the consequences of which are unpredictable, but at least a 3rd party will weigh the merits of our current situation. 

TLDR:  Better, but not good.  Working on it.

I really appreciate the thoughtful comments and help from this group.  It’s been invaluable to me and extremely helpful to my psyche to feel like I’m not, in fact, crazy and that I’m not the only one going through this.  Thank you.