How Can it Hurt So Badly to Leave a Broken Marriage

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's our 20th Anniversary this week. With the exception of Covid, every June 9th for the previous 20, my husband and I would always escape somewhere romantic. It was how and when he would shine the brightest. Always somewhere magical. Always something thoughtful planned. We would find each other over again every time.

This week, we sign a marital settlement agreement. It is taking every ounce of will in my heart, mind and body to gather the strength to step through this gateway. I have asked for it.

It has always been an extremely challenging relationship. His irrational behavior has gotten worse as he has aged. Over the past 3 years, he has become so reactive, his narrative so distorted that there are no more shades of gray. Life with him has become literally impossible and incredibly painful. He has left me twice now. He went off his SSRI (he has never been diagnosed and never will be- I don't exactly what is the underlying condition- only that the SSRI stabilized him). He now believes therapy 'was a crutch'. Where he used to on occasion be capable of seeing that his reactions crossed a line and were destructive, he now pins everything - no matter how extreme- back onto me. It's now all about my inability to 'own my stuff' and stop playing the victim.

I know it's not sane. It was here on this site that I first began to connect the dots. He is Jekyll and Hyde. I know the futility of trying to counter his narrative. I know that this relationship has caused me unending stress, sadness and instability.

Then, WHY is it so crushingly painful to let go? I do not have low self esteem. I do not understand how it is that I have not fallen out of love with someone who too often treats me horribly?

The greatest hearbreak is that he wanted me as his wife and our family to stay together more than anything else. He is not a bad man. He has often been a loving husband. He is the same man whose hand I held while we watched a pair of swans land on a turquoise lake in remote Alaska...who wrote me love poems read to me in a double kayak floating on a bay in Baja...with whom I soaked in hot springs on a half frozen tundra in Iceland. These adventures defined us- romantic, adventurous, connected.

We have lived apart for six months now after the last time he screamed that he was 'done with me' and I took the kids to a hotel until he left the house. I have tried to engage as little as possible (with completely entwined lives, this is difficult) but even so- he alternates between leaving me and announcing he would like to 'work on the marriage' with no pause in between. As if this were the most normal cycle - like the weather.

I have grieved like a loved one has died these past six months. Because - in a way they have. He is here in front of me but gone. I will never be able to have what I want- a stable, loving relationship and with this man whom I have shared the most precious memories of my life and the famiy that is center to my soul.

He wants to take me away this June 9th. He wants us to start over and find each other again.

I have worn out and down friends and family. I am reaching out this community because I imagine that there are those that understand this unique pain. It would be so easy to just fall back into his arms. But this is not what love should feel like. This is not what a marriage should be.

Please send strength if you have any extra to spare.

[Tessarae]

It's our 20th Anniversary this week. With the exception of Covid, every June 9th for the previous 20, my husband and I would always escape somewhere romantic. It was how and when he would shine the brightest. Always somewhere magical. Always something thoughtful planned. We would find each other over again every time.

This week, we sign a marital settlement agreement. It is taking every ounce of will in my heart, mind and body to gather the strength to step through this gateway. I have asked for it.

It has always been an extremely challenging relationship. His irrational behavior has gotten worse as he has aged. Over the past 3 years, he has become so reactive, his narrative so distorted that there are no more shades of gray. Life with him has become literally impossible and incredibly painful. He has left me twice now. He went off his SSRI (he has never been diagnosed and never will be- I don't exactly what is the underlying condition- only that the SSRI stabilized him). He now believes therapy 'was a crutch'. Where he used to on occasion be capable of seeing that his reactions crossed a line and were destructive, he now pins everything - no matter how extreme- back onto me. It's now all about my inability to 'own my stuff' and stop playing the victim.

I know it's not sane. It was here on this site that I first began to connect the dots. He is Jekyll and Hyde. I know the futility of trying to counter his narrative. I know that this relationship has caused me unending stress, sadness and instability.

Then, WHY is it so crushingly painful to let go? I do not have low self esteem. I do not understand how it is that I have not fallen out of love with someone who too often treats me horribly?

The greatest hearbreak is that he wanted me as his wife and our family to stay together more than anything else. He is not a bad man. He has often been a loving husband. He is the same man whose hand I held while we watched a pair of swans land on a turquoise lake in remote Alaska...who wrote me love poems read to me in a double kayak floating on a bay in Baja...with whom I soaked in hot springs on a half frozen tundra in Iceland. These adventures defined us- romantic, adventurous, connected.

We have lived apart for six months now after the last time he screamed that he was 'done with me' and I took the kids to a hotel until he left the house. I have tried to engage as little as possible (with completely entwined lives, this is difficult) but even so- he alternates between leaving me and announcing he would like to 'work on the marriage' with no pause in between. As if this were the most normal cycle - like the weather.

I have grieved like a loved one has died these past six months. Because - in a way they have. He is here in front of me but gone. I will never be able to have what I want- a stable, loving relationship and with this man whom I have shared the most precious memories of my life and the famiy that is center to my soul.

He wants to take me away this June 9th. He wants us to start over and find each other again.

I have worn out and down friends and family. I am reaching out this community because I imagine that there are those that understand this unique pain. It would be so easy to just fall back into his arms. But this is not what love should feel like. This is not what a marriage should be.

Please send strength if you have any extra to spare.

[Purplerain23]

Big hugs ... you have eloquently written out the dilemma of most of us when we are are ready to end the volatile codependent relationships we were in. But it did make the love you have or experiences less real and it is a death and yes my dear you will grieve it as such ... it does get better I promise ! One day at a time  through self care and recovery. By the grace of God I survived letting Go of my ex who I loved intensely . You are in the early stages 6 months isnt long enough in my opinion to be fine grieving a 20 year marriage . Have you gifted yourself with a therapist?
 I will be praying for you and what I really want to say is I understand.


Words For It

I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead.
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say–
Or something better.
I would murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shhh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself against you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no names for.

[Baglady]

Hi Tessarae 

I could have written your post word for word.  I'm 3+ years out (21 year marriage for me).  This has been the hardest situation to navigate in a world of so many people who are completely uncomprehending of the truly unique pain of walking away from decades long marriages to people with BPD for our own mental health despite the fact that we still see so much of the person that we originally fell in love with.

It is a death of sorts though I always think that if my BPD ex had died, it would have been much more easier to tackle.  Society has a template for the death of a spouse - there is no template for this type of suffering.  No casseroles, flowers etc. for a grief that is just as deep-seated and definitely more confusing for the non.

It does get better, minute by minute,  hour by hour, day by day...no way but through.  I'm not and never will be the same person I was prior to my divorce.  This wonderful community of souls helped enormously.  Keep checking in...

Hugs and hope,

Warmly,
B

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tessarae, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  Part of your grief may be giving up on the dream.  I had a dream, too.  I took my marriage vows seriously and never envisioned myself as one to get divorced.  I also never encountered anything like BPD before and was unprepared for the toll it takes on a marriage.

As Baglady says, it does get better.  In my experience, the pain you are experiencing leads to greater happiness, so hang in there.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

I know that this relationship has caused me unending stress, sadness and instability.

Then, WHY is it so crushingly painful to let go?

because that is not all you are letting go of, and grieving 

your adventures sound beautiful, and magical, and its heartbreaking to read of your loss. it is a lot to grieve, and, no doubt, proportional to the love you have given.

hang in there. anniversaries are hard. none of it is easy. it does get better.

[Sluggo]

Tessare, 

For me after 18 years of marriage in which I filed, it took about 4 years to fully feel back to normal. 

It was the false hope that kept the pain real.  I held onto false hope so long...  it was like holding on to fools gold. 

Sluggo

[HealingTee]

Hi Tessarae,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can totally relate to how painful it is to let go of a BPD partner. I feel that a separation from a BPD parter is painfully unique and like no other. Our BPD partners for sure have a Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde personality, which makes things really confusing and hard. I’m still in love with the Dr. Jekyll side of my ex but I absolutely loathe his Mr. Hyde side. So many beautiful memories were made with Dr. Jekyll, but at the same time there are lots of agonizing, traumatizing, and abusive memories made with Mr. Hyde. The bad memories are big enough to outweigh all of the good memories, no matter how precious those good memories are.

Curious to hear any updates on your situation?

Best wishes  to you

[Scarredheart]

Hi Tessarae 
I'm 3+ years out (21 year marriage for me).  This has been the hardest situation to navigate in a world of so many people who are completely uncomprehending of the truly unique pain of walking away from decades long marriages to people with BPD for our own mental health despite the fact that we still see so much of the person that we originally fell in love with.

It is a death of sorts though I always think that if my BPD ex had died, it would have been much more easier to tackle.  Society has a template for the death of a spouse - there is no template for this type of suffering.  No casseroles, flowers etc. for a grief that is just as deep-seated and definitely more confusing for the non.

That hits the nail on the head for me. Some of my friends know what I'm going through and it's always the same. "You'll be out and dating before you know it. There are so many women out there that will appreciate a guy like you so much more than your ex did." They don't understand. The pain, guilt, constant circular thoughts, the "what ifs" the thoughts of "what is she doing now? Who is she with?"... I've never been a man who cries at the drop of a hat, but I've wailed, for the first time in my life, for over an hour several times over  us. In my head I know I've made the right decision, but my heart screams that I've lost something I'll never get back. I just take it a day at a time and fight back against the darkness any way I can.

[Goosey]

“That hits the nail on the head for me. Some of my friends know what I'm going through and it's always the same. "You'll be out and dating before you know it. There are so many women out there that will appreciate a guy like you so much more than your ex did." They don't understand. The pain, guilt, constant circular thoughts, the "what ifs" the thoughts of "what is she doing now? Who is she with?"... I've never been a man who cries at the drop of a hat, but I've wailed, for the first time in my life, for over an hour several times over  us. In my head I know I've made the right decision, but my heart screams that I've lost something I'll never get back. I just take it a day at a time and fight back against the darkness any way I can.”
         Words that I feel everyday. Thank you, it sums it up perfectly…..sadly.  
         Wonder if the original poster went back?  

[Scarredheart]

        Words that I feel everyday. Thank you, it sums it up perfectly…..sadly.  
         Wonder if the original poster went back?  

BPD relationships are never simple. I feel like every time I have a handle on some part of what happened, two more heads pop up and I have more to think about. It's the freaking hydra of insanity.