What are some tips for not falling into the guilt abyss?

[Dad50]

So, for the past for years I have centered my pwBPD almost 100% of the time in the never ending, but fruitless quest to please her and make her happy. I am realizing this is arrogant to think I can as well as exhausting.  The biggest cost has been to my relationship with my kids. Thank goodness my kids and I still get along quite well and they feel supported, but they are teenagers now, which is a difficult stage in life, and we only have a few years left together before they leave the nest.

For the past five years I have not done as much as I would like with my kids because if I spend time with them, my pwBPD gets very jealous and goes into "what about me" mode. It doesn't matter how much time I devote to my partner. Just a few minutes devoted to someone else sets off a tailspin.

So instead, in an effort to still do activities with my kids I would try to include everyone. To be honest that would be ideal anyway. That backfired every single time because any group activity my partner would scrutinize every word the kids said, and become angry if she felt I was paying attention to them. The kids really notice and don't feel super safe around her.

So, on to my point, sorry for the long set-up:  I have resolved to try and figure out how to set boundaries around wanting to spend time with my kids.  For example, this was my weekend with my kids. I get them every other. I know my partner needs to feel prioritized, so even on my kid weekends I plan multiple ways to connect.

For example Saturday we went to the gym, a yoga class, and later on a movie that night.  She knows I wanted to spend some time in the afternoon with my kids but still asks If I want to come over that afternoon. My problem is I feel guilty saying no. This is my issue. I think she intuitively knows I feel guilty saying no.

Then Sunday, we went to the gym together in the morning, and had a nice brunch date, and then took a walk through the park with her dog. That afternoon I wanted to go swimming with my daughter in the near-bye river which is something she enjoys, and it was 100 degrees F.  Again, my partner asks if I want to come spend time with her instead. I held firm, and took my daughter swimming. My partner texted afterward giving me grief and asking when I would take her swmmning and so on.

I mean, on my kids weekend I spent a ton of time giving attention to my partner on both Saturday and Sunday. I find a couple hours here and there for my kids. I am lucky both my kids are strong and well adjusted, but I feel guilty about not being a good enough dad, and I feel guilty telling my partner I want to spend time with my kids.

I think this inordinate sense of guilt is part of the thing keeping me in co-dependence and getting in the way of holding firm on boundaries. Any insights on some was to address my guilt feelings? It is all wrapped up in the similar stuff of trying to please her, not wanting to look like the bad guy,  and trying to "fix" stuff.

Thanks,

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[Jabiru]

I can relate. It can be hard to set your limits and hold to them on the outside and inside.

Try reminding yourself how things were before those limits and why you set them in the first place. Are they working in the way you wanted? Are the consequences what you expected?

Reading the book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" may help.