Sister Lashing Out On Social Media

[BrotherofBpd]

I believe that my sister has undiagnosed BPD, as did my mother.

My sister’s life is total chaos – a wasteland of shattered relationships, with partners, friends, and family members. Almost nobody in my entire extended family will speak with her. She has burned so many bridges I couldn’t possibly enumerate them all. She’s had professional setbacks and firings due to interpersonal conflicts with others in the workplace.

I will, every so often, get slews of texts from her, sometime as many as 50 at a time, sent at all hours, like 3:30 in the morning. Angry rantings about me, my father (with whom she has no relationship), or her last boyfriend (they ended up in a severe legal dispute that still rages on.)

I have had to interact with my sister a great deal over the past several years when we had to settle my mother’s estate. It was a nightmare. She would refuse to cooperate, wouldn’t show up for meeting with realtors, financial people, etc. I had to do everything myself essentially, dealing with the estate of my mother who was a hoarder, walking on eggshells to attempt to not incur my sister’s wrath. Finally, we are basically done. One last thing has to be divided up.

Yesterday I got another morning onslaught of texts – this time informing me that she was going to post about me and my father on social media, and she would be posting a new thing every day about us, revealing something that we didn’t want revealed or might find embarrassing. She then showed me a screenshot of the first post she had sent. She talked about how my father and I had abandoned her, how she was treated poorly by her family...and she received some “likes” and “hugs” that she wanted.

She then re-iterated and threatened that she was going to post like that once every day, putting new stuff out there to humiliate us.

I feel so incredibly hurt and violated. I feel embarrassed and sad and sick to my stomach.

I wrote back and told her that if she continued down this path and posted more of this, I would absolutely cut off all contact with her.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that – maybe it was too engaging the drama. I don’t know. But I felt I had to draw a line in the sand, one that that I probably should have done long, long ago. Her trying to publicly shame me on Facebook was a bridge too far for me. I probably should’ve gone no contact long ago...my mother’s passing and having to deal with my sister kept me ensnared, fearing that if I angered her, we would face bigger setbacks. I felt trapped.

I don’t know if she will continue posting about me or other family members. It’s deeply embarrassing and mortifying to me, as I’m really quite private, but I know I can’t control it. I just have a pit of dread in my stomach.

It’s all so sad. I’m glad I have a therapist. I’m glad I have a meditation practice. I’m glad to discover this board and the fellowship of others who are caught up in this whirlpool of insanity.

[missing NC]

Dear BrotherofBPD,

Being on the receiving end of a smear campaign is absolutely gut wrenching.  Anyone who has not been through it cannot understand the feelings of disorientation, shame and violation that accompany the ordeal. 

I wonder if your being nearly done with the estate might have been part of the trigger.  She may realize that you have been considering no contact, but the estate kept you engaged.  You mention having one more thing to do  before wrapping it up. At that point, it would be a good idea to have a mutual sign off on your roles in the estate so that she does not come back and sue you in six month - especially in light of her extended legal dispute with an ex.  It would be best to hold off on cutting her out your life until the estate is wrapped up and you have a notarized document stating that neither will sue the other over it. 

You do have options regarding the social media, but none are really good options. With a normal person, a cease and desist letter with the threat of litigation for defamation would work. However, with a BPD that will most definitely backfire by causing her to escalate (as most likely happed with her ex).   If her posting don't go beyond claims of abandonment and poor treatment (which I recognize as very stressful), it may be easier for your peace of mind to mute or unfriend her.  She is looking for reassurance. If you have it within you, the easiest way to get her to stop temporarily, at least until you wrap up the estate, is to offer her empathy, reassurance and validation, which I know is the absolute last thing that feels natural when you are being attacked. 

I too am glad you have a therapist and meditation practice. You will definitely need both! 



 

[BrotherofBpd]

Thanks for your reply to my post. Yes, I absolutely think the estate being close to wrapped up is a definite factor. Consciously or unconsciously she realizes that once the estate is finished, there is nothing keeping us legally or financially connected.

My lawyers said there was no real way to prevent her from suing me in the future, but the notarized agreement is an interesting idea. I'll float it by the lawyers and see what they say. I'm the executor of the estate and they've seen how irresponsible and crazy my sister can be.

She had actually unfriended me on social media long ago. She's friended and unfriended me so many times I can't count them all. I often don't realize she's unfriended me until out of the blue I'll get a friend request and realize "Oh, I guess she unfriended me at some point and I never realized it." I found out about the post because she told me about it. She wanted me to know she was going to attack me on social media.

I do understand the principle of placating and reassuring her. I am trying to strike that balance between establishing boundaries and placating -- a little carrot, a little stick. We shall see.

[missing NC]

Ah, that helps knowing you are the executor.  I had assumed from your first post that you two were cotrustees.  That makes things a bit easier. Then it won't be a mutual sign off, but rather her approving the accounting and signing off on your disbursement of the estate. If she won't sign off (which it sounds like she probably won't) then you can present the accounting to the court for approval to ward off any future claims against you.  It will cost a little bit more to do it that way, but it will be well worth it to sidestep future nonsense.  Assuming your lawyer is an estate planning attorney, he can help you with that. 

My brother and I went through a worst-case scenario with my sister. If I had it to do again, I would placate to the point of coddling until the estate settled.  But of course, I know that is not easy.  None of this is.  Wishing you luck...

[beatricex]

Hi BrotherofBpd,
This is absolutely infuriating, I'm sure.  I relate to the mother with BPD being a hoarder and the end of her life clean up with the difficult sibling(s) (not currently there, but it's inevitable in my situation too).

It struck me that your sister told you what she was going to do to humiliate/shame/belittle you, then did it.  I think if a similar situation presents itself in the future, maybe try the opposite tactic.  She says "I'm going to publically embarrass you!"  you say and think "go ahead, do what you have to do."

It does seem to work with some of my disordered family members, if I pretend like what they're doing is not bothering me.  They seem to move on to someone else who will actually respond.

I am currently and again no contact with my entire FOO, however.  So maybe I really have moved on and whatever they're saying about me on social media or otherwise, I really could care less.  They're just making themselves look bad not me.


 

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