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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Looking for help, support and my own sanity  (Read 283 times)
Fieveldamouse

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: It's complicated
Posts: 4


« on: June 08, 2021, 03:53:26 PM »

My 26 yr old daughter is BPD, she has been lashing out at me for over a year now because I moved far away and part of the reason I did so was to get some distance from her TBH but mostly because I fell in love with an old friend and he lived across the country.  My daughter walked away from her infant son 7 years ago and I have been raising him since (I actually adopted him) after walking away from her son she intentionally went and got pregnant 9 months after having her son.  My granddaughter is being raised by my daughter and they are currently living with my parents 1700 miles away.  Yesterday she threatened my mother with physical harm 2x.  This is new, she's never done this to any of her grandparents.  I feel like I've created a monster and I feel extreme guilt not only for leaving but for inflicting my child on my loved ones.  I know that is irrational, but that's how I'm left feeling.  I need help setting boundaries with her, I need help to know how not to internalize her words.  Every book I've ever found regarding BPD seems to advise cutting ties but how can you do that with your child??  (Especially with my granddaughter in her care). My granddaughter is 6 and mimics her mother's suicide threats or tells other children she wishes they were dead or she wants to kill them and you can tell it's straight mimicking of my daughters words.  Any help is appreciated.  (I'm in a fragile emotional state myself, so please be kind.)
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
By Still Water
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 63


« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2021, 06:15:28 PM »

My heart goes out to you and your deeply hurtful situation. Are there boundaries for her, at your mom's house?
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Fieveldamouse

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: It's complicated
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2021, 06:29:39 PM »

My mom is pretty good about setting boundaries as my mom's mother and sister are also cluster B personality disorder.  This is likely more upsetting to me than to my mom, she's handling it basically like water of a ducks back, but this is totally unacceptable to me as she knows better than to act like this.. Especially toward my mom.  My mom is her biggest fan and they are very very close.  My mom pulled the car over, responded to her that with "I wouldn't do that if I were you" and took the keys and walked away until my DD calmed down.  The trip required 2 additional stops to address my daughter's out of control behavior...I guess the biggest issue right now is the damage being done to my granddaughter being witness to all of it and God only knows what else she's been witness to
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Huat
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 585


« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2021, 09:57:44 PM »

Hi there, Fieveldamouse, and welcome to you Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Yours is quite a story!  Mind you....all of us here have stories....some more eye-popping than others....but all suffer from personal hurts.

So you are one of the self-sacrificing women who, because of family circumstances, have been called upon to raise a grandchild....even adopted that lucky, little cherub!  You can demure but I certainly hope you never downplay praise that comes in your direction!   From one grandmother to another, I so admire you!  As for listening to your heart and moving 1700 miles away to be with the man you love.....good for you!  Your life is just as important as your daughter's. 

It brought a smile on my face as I read about how your mother deals with your daughter's adverse behaviours with her "handling it basically like water off a duck's back."  Sounds like you have come from pretty "strong stock." 

The work needing to be done here is on you and you have come to the right place to get that started.  I read guilt throughout your post.  That is certainly not foreign to me nor to many others on this forum.  We condition ourselves into thinking we haven't done enough....we didn't try hard enough....we shame ourselves.  Changing that mindset will change your life.

I sometimes think I bore others on this forum by repeating my mantra...."As a mother to a troubled child, I did the best I could do with the information I had at the time.  When I knew better I did better and will continue to do so." Can you not say this about yourself?

Fieveldamouse, I am glad you found us.  Ours is a difficult journey.  We need to be able to voice our hurts and have people listen and not judge....then we are better able to move forward.

Hope to hear more from you.

(((HUGS))))...from Huat

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Fieveldamouse

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: It's complicated
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2021, 09:26:13 AM »

Hi Huat,

I read your message yesterday, but felt that I was too emotional to respond. I truly appreciate your words of encouragement.
  My daughter broke down in tears yesterday and asked my mom "Why can't my mom love me?  Mom did to me what every BPD worst fear is....she actually abandoned me"  I don't know if she knows that by saying that it will provoke me into calling her (I am taking a 1 week break from her right now, not only because I need it but because my family has made me promise not to speak to her for at least one week) or if she truly feels that way.  She is considerably manipulative at times and it is hard to know when she makes statements like that if it is that she believes it for real or just another way to get whatever it is that she wants.  Her constant berating of me over the past year has only escalated when her attempts to make me move back home has failed.  She is very self aware of her condition and sometimes uses it as a crutch.  In know in many ways I have thrown up walls against my daughter for self preservation of my own sanity- which were needed since I do have her son to raise and he is severe ADHD and requires lots of my patience and attention and I feel like when she starts one of her tirades that it spills over into my patience and abilities to meet his needs and since right now he is the actual child- he gets first priority.  You are right about the guilt, it is like a huge ball and chain I drag around constantly.  I am going to ask my DR for a referral to an appropriate counselor and/or Dr for myself and I am hoping that maybe I can get her to join some of the sessions via zoom.  Maybe since she wont seek treatment on her own, if I get her involved in my sessions that she might benefit, plus I would have a professional to back up that whatever it is that I am doing or not doing is the right thing to do in the given situation.   Either way I know I need to talk to someone and soon as I believe I myself have spiraled into a pretty deep state of depression- I cry over nothing.  I actually burst into tears yesterday at Walmart.  I cried over the song "if tomorrow never comes", which until yesterday I had never associated with a mother daughter relationship....only a romantic partner relationship....honestly, I feel like she's broke something in me this time and I am not able to recognize who I am right now.  I just feel crazy.
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Huat
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 585


« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2021, 10:50:20 AM »

Hello back Fieveldamouse Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Wish our circumstances were such that I could give you that (((HUG))) in person.

I so feel and understand what you write.  At my lowest, which was just before I found this forum a few short years ago, I cried at the drop of a hat.  I would wake in the middle of the night to cry.  My heart was shattered, the sun had left my life and I contemplated ways to end it all.  Thankfully my Guardian Angel worked overtime.  Here I am  Being cool (click to insert in post) !

I never want to make anyone believe that I got an Aha  Way to go! (click to insert in post) Moment and that all my heartache is gone.  I, like you, am a Mom (and a Grand-Mom).  I will love my daughter to the last moment I take a breath....but....I am angry at her and that emotion bolsters me.  She has done and said terrible things to me (not her father....my husband of almost 60 years).  I know she suffers from a mental illness but I also know she is able to make choices.  I have had glowing reports about her from some people who have no idea of how much we have given her nor how she has treated us (Me!) over the years.   

I smiled when I read of your idea to seek treatment for yourself.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Seek out someone who is knowledgeable of BPD.  You go, Girl!!!!  Make it all about YOU because if you flounder you are of no use to anyone....and that includes that precious grandson (who is so lucky to have you).  I am sure your daughter really feels that you have abandoned her.  No amount of words is going to change that in her.  What will work is how you respond to her.....not react....respond. 

Foeveldamouse, you take a look in the mirror and talk to that person you see.  You tell her that she has been (still is!) a wonderful Mom/Grand-Mom.  You make her your best friend.  (Oh gosh!!!!....now I'm telling you to talk to yourself!!!!???  Not a good sign at our age.  Maybe keep the door shut when you do that....and maybe.... whisper.)

Here is to a better day for you....and better tomorrows.  Hope you keep posting.  As you look for other ways to help you, keep this forum as one of your supports. 

(((HUGS)))....from Huat With affection (click to insert in post)



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Bluejay12

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 33


« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2021, 12:14:41 AM »

Hi Fieveldamouse and Huat,
Like so many on this forum with similar stories, you do spend so much time crying and feeling depressed because our lives are so far from the norm.  Except for this forum, I have not really found people (except my husband) who can understand how painful and exhausting it is to have an adult daughter with BPD.  Especially when grandchildren are involved.  We can’t protect ours because we are blocked from seeing them.  (Every year or so this changes when they really need us. But since our daughter is married to a supreme narcissist, any possibility of her improvement is next to impossible). The kids suffer.  We are powerless to intervene.  Most nights I feel so hopeless and then I read this forum and know I’m not alone.  So, know you are not alone. If I could hug you, I would.  So here’s to sending you some
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Fieveldamouse

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: It's complicated
Posts: 4


« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2021, 01:09:27 PM »

Thank you both for reaching out and I'll gladly accept the virtual hug, because to be honest right now when someone hugs me IRL I start tearing up and I am sooooo tired of crying.  My BF is trying so hard to help me through this (he's extremely familiar with BPD as he was married to one for 7 years) and he doesn't mind the tears- but I do- it causes a terrible headache and my rosacea goes nuts. 

My DD is talking calmly with my mom now and my mom is encouraging her to seek a counselor.  I am still on the break from DD, but she is allowing me to talk to my granddaughter- however, I can tell that my granddaughter is being extremely reserved in speaking to me.  She doesn't really speak to me just nods or smiles and when I tell her I love her and she walks away from the video chat camera.  I hate that she feels she has to take sides, but I get that a 6 yr old likely has no coping skills for a situation such as this and once things have calmed down with my DD we will be having a chat about not involving her daughter in adult "fights" and to make sure that my granddaughter understands that you can have disagreements with family members and still love them.  I am sending hugs back to both of you and want you to know how much it means to know that someone out there knows how I feel, not that I would ever wish this pain on anyone.
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