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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Today Was Our Son's 1st Birthday  (Read 594 times)
EZEarache
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« on: June 08, 2021, 08:28:56 PM »

I've really been trying to be upbeat, lately and not dwell on the past. What better way to look to the future than to celebrate your son's first birthday. I knew going into today that there was an extremely high likelihood of conflict. This is largely from all you fine people on this board sharing past experiences. I've read several times that BPDs tend to turn other people's birthdays into an opportunity for drama and about themselves. Sadly, today was no exception. So, I'll share today's experience so maybe you won't feel too terrible if something similar happens to you.

I've actually been really looking forward to today. I baked a cake last night. This was the first cake I ever baked in my life. It came out O.K., too. So I went over for a visit tonight after work, with cake and present in hand. I could tell as soon as I saw the exGFwBPD, she was in a mood.

The baby was a little tired, while we unwrapped his gift. So we moved over to cake pretty quickly. I started singing happy birthday, but she chose not to sing along. I did not comment about it. Then she got annoyed with me for letting the baby get too close to a candle. I had it under control. Next she criticized me for cutting the cake wrong. I wanted to try the cake first to make sure it was O.K. She responded, "It looks like it came out of a box, it will be fine."  -- No passive aggressive tendencies displayed here, eh?

Then I started feeding him some cake. She said, "I'm sorry this is really hard for me."

I replied, "Do you think this is easy for me?"

Then somehow she transitioned it into another conversation about me faking suicide... I was standing on a bridge in October, but I did not JADE.

She continued on about how hurtful I have been, etc. I said, "I would prefer to keep the day about the baby."

Somehow it turned into another conversation about my former therapist suggesting she go to Alanon, and how could I be so hurtful.

I said, "I would be happy to have this conversation with the therapist of her choice." I was thinking, wow maybe I'll be able to get her some help, finally.

She said, "You don't know who I'm seeing and it's none of your business."

I asked, "I'm not sure what you mean by that?"

She replied, You don't know if I'm in therapy.

I asked, "Are you?" 

She replies, "Yes"

Then she continues, "Is that the only way you will have a serious conversation, with a third party? You got everything you wanted, right?"

I respond, "How did I get everything I wanted?"

Dysregulated BPD says, "You can travel and do what you want." She went out of state over Memorial day. I turned down countless offers from people to do things, to try and avoid more conflict. I did not JADE.

Then Dysregulated BPD goes back into me faking suicide. I noticed through all of this the baby flipped his plate over, but I was so focused on managing her, that I didn't realize it happened.

Then I remembered why I had to leave this house. It's just not safe for the baby for us to be together there. I left in a hurry, as she continued chasing me out the door yelling about why I faked suicide. I responded, I don't have to Justify anything to you. I don't have to Defend myself to you. I don't have to explain my self to you and I definitely don't want to argue with you."

Today was our son's first birthday.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2021, 08:38:45 PM by EZEarache » Logged
Sappho11
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« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2021, 04:15:29 AM »

I'm sorry to hear that the day turned out this way. You did handle the situation well IMHO.

Also, it appears as if your first cake was awesome (so awesome that your ex thought it was commercially made). That sounds like a personal win.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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EZEarache
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« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2021, 05:35:55 AM »

Thanks for the vote of confidence Sappho.

I got home to discover I was still being berated by text regarding things that happened two years ago. Recently I have tried to establish a boundary where we don't discuss things that happened more than two months ago.

I'm in a quandary about this, because her questions relate to a statement I made that maybe attending Alanon would be good for her. This was a suggestion that my therapist at the time made. She doesn't seem to remember that my concern at the time was that her primary reason for wanting a child was that she, "Didn't want to die alone."

In hindsight, I'm realizing that this was actually a symptom of fear of abandonment. I haven't known how to address it with her correctly. Therefore, I've just refused to discuss it without a therapist. She seems to be in therapy now based on the conversation last night.

So my question is, do I break the boundary that I've set regarding not discussing things more than two months old and explain that, due to no fault of her own, she has a deep rooted fear of abandonment?

My visitation with my son is tonight, so I could address this today. What do you all think?
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kells76
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2021, 09:28:44 AM »

Excerpt
So my question is, do I break the boundary that I've set regarding not discussing things more than two months old and explain that, due to no fault of her own, she has a deep rooted fear of abandonment?

My visitation with my son is tonight, so I could address this today. What do you all think?

Hmmm...

What do you hope would happen, ideally, if you said this?

Does that match or not match (or other) what you have observed about her in the past?
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EZEarache
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Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 240


« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2021, 01:07:57 PM »

Hmmm...

What do you hope would happen, ideally, if you said this?

Does that match or not match (or other) what you have observed about her in the past?

In a perfect world she would talk to a therapist and start getting treatment for her symptoms. This would make co-parenting easier, and possibly open the door to us becoming a family again. Does this match her past performance with therapy? Nope.

Interestingly shortly after I posted the above she really put the screws on me for an answer. Some major unhinged texting on her part. I ultimately told her that I believe she has a deep rooted fear of abandonment, because she asked.

She of course blame shifted on me and gave me a ton of emotional abuse as a result.

Oh well... I was feeling really positive on Monday, but today, is a difficult day for me to say the least.

I just don't feel like my son and I really deserve this... I am really scared for my son's future if she continues to remain dysregulated.
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