What I want to know, is there really anything to do that can help the relationship? He's very smart but somehow doesn't see how his behavior is odd. He says all couples fight, etc., or that well the friends' wives don't ignore him like I do. If only I...(fill in the blank), he won't behave the way he does.
This all sounds very familiar.
BPDs have difficulty identifying the cause and effect of their actions. They will do anything to deflect the blame so they don't experience the extreme emotional pain of admitting they are at fault.
I've read how validating them helps, but I'm afraid that would be a black hole that would never be filled.
Validating will be an unending process for you. I've found this link to be helpful for me while work on validating:
https://www.hopeforbpd.com/borderline-personality-disorder-treatment/validating-statementsWe also tried counseling, but the woman told me later how great he seemed, he just loves you so much, I should try harder to work it out. I couldn't manage to explain to her about the rage silences, etc.
BPDs are master manipulators. Their feelings become a reality that is total and complete, and always based with some semblance of fact. However, those that know them well and remember the circumstances will identify that the facts they remember are just a little bit skewed. It can be very difficult for a therapist to diagnose it. What worked for me was documenting text messages where my ExGFwBPD became dysregulated. She has consistently demonstrated her traits even in writing. If your BF can't control their rage while texting this could work for you. I created PDFs of the communication and then shared them with my therapist. My therapist eventually agreed with my suspicions.
So what is really the next step to try to improve things? Try more counseling? Try to get him into counseling himself,
All of the above if possible. Getting the person with BPD into therapy on their own can be a challenge, and as described above the therapist is often sucked into the BPD's convincing distorted reality.
hint at suspected BPD? Was there anyone that really improved things without the partner going into therapy?
Probably not for both of these points. If you hint at the suspected BPD, your partner will probably just blame shift back at you. This exact thing happened to me this morning. For most of the success stories, the partner was in therapy trying to improve themselves. I am not a success story.
Sometimes I'm thinking I want to end things, but I'm a little afraid he wont take it well.
They almost definitely will not take it well. It will almost certainly get very ugly, but most people on here that have taken the plunge and left seem to say they are much happier a year later.
I've noticed some threads where the poster says the key is setting up very rigid boundaries but will that just cause more drama?
You can expect more drama when setting up boundaries. That has been my experience. BPDs are basically emotionally stuck at a two or three year old emotional level when they dysregulate. They want what they want, and they won't rest until they get it. If you try to dissuade them from obtaining their goal, you will become the target of their aggression.
Not taking no for an answer can be an attractive quality in people sometimes. However, when it is directed at you in anger, it will be very painful.
I just want to know if anyone was successful in maintaining a relationship with a suspected BPD. We do have a lot in common, sense of humor, certain interests, values, etc. and a many year history that I don't want to let go of.
There are a few success stories on here. I am not one of them, yet. I do recommend sticking around and following this board. There are certainly reasons to try and hold onto the positive things you seem to have in your relationship. However, you need to decide if you are strong enough to take the emotional abuse and if it's really worth it. It will be a bumpy ride, and sadly for me it has not gotten any easier
