Supporting my BPD Mom through total heartbreak

[Koala323]

Hello - my mom has BPD traits.  And, my dad has recently taken steps to move out of the house.  They’re still married - for 50 years now, and are in their 70s.  I’m 34 yr old, and live quite close to them with my partner.  My dad continues to see my mom multiple times a week.

My mom is completely heartbroken and confused by him leaving, and “rules” he’s now enforcing to make sure he isn’t phsically abused (eg, won’t sleep at home, or drive in the same car).  She doesn’t understand why he’s left, and keeps explaining his separation as he has mental health problems (paranoia, Alzheimer’s).  She says, “I thought we were happy.”  And, she also says, “I swear he’s trying to kill me through this.”

Every time I see my mom, she spends about 98% of the time talking at me, because she’s “trying to communicate with [me] about his mental health, what a problem it is, how he’s trying to harm her, and how he must go to the doctor, and why don’t I believe her.”  It’s not a conversation. It’s a monologue.   I feel like nothing short of denouncing my father would get her to stop. 

Recently, as I’m getting ready to leave, she starts changing the conversation inward, to reflect on her loneliness and heartbreak and breaks down sobbing.  Today, after 2.5 hours of listening to her gaslight my dad, she started sobbing and was just so *in* her loneliness, heartbreak, and how much she doesn’t want to be alone.  I was standing there, stuck.  Of course I feel pain for my mom’s heartbreak and of course that’s reasonable.  But… I had this feeling come over me while I was trying to say goodbye to my mom but she’s sobbing and totally broken down of the Dementor’s kiss from Harry Potter - I just felt my happiness and energy completely drain out of my body such that I didn’t feel as if I could stay any longer and walked away from her car, even as she was in extreme distress.

I don’t know what to do.  I feel like PLEASE READ right now.  I left my mom while in a state.  I tried to communicate that I’d see her again soon, and I loved her, but I just couldn’t take any more right now and need to go.

What do I do? She’s just so alone.  I’m all she has .  Even though she has friends they’re not enough, and some are distancing themselves from her.  She lives alone, is barely taking care of her body, and even though my dad is still seeing her their dynamic is so bad.  I’m trying to do my boundary setting - limiting the amount of time we spend together, changing conversation off my dad, etc.  It’s not enough.  I’m so drained.  I feel used.  And, I feel like her heartbreak is real and I don’t know how to care for her through it.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Teabunny]

Hi! I'm really sorry you're going through an emotionally draining period with your mom's heartbreak. I've been in so many of those situations with my mom too. It helped me to notice that she would say "I thought we were so happy" and the various opposites of that, and to hear her idolize and devalue dad, and to watch her over the years say things had changed in their marriage recently to become bad, but in fact things have always been dysfunctional between them. What I mean is that her perception changes so her emotions change with them. Heartbreak now, maybe unexplainable rage later, so I've personally taken this to mean that she can't be comforted and beyond a caring reassurance my role is done in that moment. In 2004 a college friend received an email from me a bit similar to your post, Koala. He responded with a metaphor story that didn't provide clarity for me until this year when I read another version. I hope it's ok to link here:

https://www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?A-Fable-About-Hanging-On-and-Hanging-On...-78

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Koala323:

I'm sorry about the situation with your mom.  She needs a therapist to talk to.  It's not fair to try to use you as a therapist.  Actually, perhaps a couple's therapist would be best, not for the purpose of reconciliation, but for the purpose of clarification and understanding.  I'm thinking your mom will require a professional to help your dad convey his reasons for leaving and for her to understand that she has issues.

 As you have noticed, even good friends tire of being used for venting and a one-way conversation.

Over the years, has your dad ever confronted your mom regarding her behaviors?  Did he always just suck it up, until the storms blew over, and then everyone pretended that nothing happened?

How has your mom physically abused your father?  Got to wonder how someone can be abusive & they think they have a happy relationship. I guess it's denial. 

Have you had a private talk with your dad?  How might he react to the idea of some "uncoupling" therapy?  Somehow, you mom needs to understand her part of the problem.  I say "part", because your dad's lack of necessary boundaries through the years could have made things worse for him.

[Koala323]

Hi @teabunny - it's comforting learning how similar our experiences are; what you shared is exactly what my mom does. Even just knowing now from what you shared with me that it's a pattern and part of BPD I feel better about needing to leave and not stay to provide more comfort.

@naughty nibbler - she does have a therapist, but since they don't know she has BPD traits, they seem to be reinforcing her world view wherein my dad has left her because HE is the mentally ill one.  My dad has really not been able to set healthy boundaries with my mom, no.    So, in that sense, it makes sense that my mom's world is coming crashing on her now that he is setting boundaries.  I think everyone was able to "deny" the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse because in our little BPD family, it was just our normal.

I think the thing that's most draining for me about spending time with my mom right now is how much she blames my dad, and really really insists that he has a mental illness which is causing him to treat her this way.  I've tried boundary setting and not engaging with my mom in that conversation but that doesn't work.  I've tried talking her world view out with her but it just gets deeper and deeper - it's not a conversation so much as she's desperately trying to convince me that my dad is "trying to kill her.  he has paranoia and has to go to the doctor.  Why don't you believe me? I'm trying to tell you - he's trying to kill me."  It's like, how in the world do you engage, or disengage, in that "conversation"? 

[Notwendy]

Koala,

Your mother's behavior has some similarities to mine. My father didn't move out by his own choice, he "left" her when he passed away after a long illness

My father also didn't have strong boundaries with my mother, and yes she was abusive to him too. He was the one who did things for her, not the other way around. As his health declined, he was not able to do the things he did for her. From her perspective, he was not doing them on purpose. Sometimes he would get angry at her-and she could not make the connection between her behavior towards him and his reactions. She also portrayed him as the one who was mentally ill, not her. She did see a counselor but did not reveal  "her" issues but for "how to deal with his mental problems".

There are some models that can help you to understand what is going on with your mother. PwBPD can not handle their own difficult emotions, and this is a situation of extreme stress, for anyone. The change in marriage, the change in a spouse. This would be hard for anyone, and it's not a surprise that BPD behaviors escalate during extreme stress.

The Karpman victim triangle. I think pwBPD perceive things from Victim role. This leaves others as either Persecutor or Rescuer. The roles can change depending on the perception. My guess is that when your father was enabling her, he was the Rescuer, and not enabling her, the Persecutor. Seeing situations from Victim perspective means one is not accountable for their actions. The Victim isn't to blame- the Persecutor is the Bad One. They don't see  a connection between their behavior and the behavior of the Persecutor.

Projection and denial and dissociation. Some of my mother's worst behavior happens when she's in a rage and dissociated mentally. She either doesn't remember or is in such denial the memory leaves her. So there's no way she learns from her behavior.

I began to have boundaries as my mother has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me too. Her response was to tell all her family and friends that "I was the one with the problems" and unfortunately they believed her.

My mother is not able to take care of herself. My father's overfunctioning made it harder to see that. However, being elderly she has "normalized" the situation as it's normal for elderly people to need assistance. I am grateful that my father left enough funds for her to have help at home. He was very worried about her. I think there were times he considered leaving her but feared she would not be able to function without him. It looks to me that your father is also concerned for your mother as he still visits her and I assume he's provided for her financially. You know he would not have left unless he just couldn't take it anymore. I would not have blamed my father if he made that decision as well. I don't live with her but he did, and your father did, and 24/7 is a lot to deal with.

My mother was saying really hurtful things to me about my father after he died. She was angry at me for having boundaries with her and so painted me black to him too. However, when I was a child, he was a great Dad to me. I want to remember him that way. I don't want to hear her "change history" to suit her emotions. I finally told her I didn't want to discuss him with her.

An aspect of the Karpman triangle is "triangulation". Your mom is taking Victim role and enlisting you as Rescuer and trying to join together with you against your Dad who she sees in Persecutor role. If my mother was angry at a sibling - she'd call me up to tell me bad things about my sibling. I also told her I would not discuss my immediate family members with her behind their backs. I have held this boundary with her. Of course she might way something general like " have you heard your sibling has a new pet?" but that isn't bad mouthing them. So it's not as if we don't talk about them at all, but that we don't triangulate.

My mother continues to triangulate with her home health care team. She calls me up and complains about them. She's still in Victim perspective. This is how she is.

I think it would help you to understand that how your mother perceives things is part of her illness, not something about you, your father, or anyone else. But you probably would benefit from boundaries, maybe saying "Mom, I can only talk about this once a week, or day, or how often you can deal with it. It's relatively new to her and she is in an adjustment situation.

You might also need to speak to your father about his plans for him and for her. It looks like he plans to be of some support to her. Your parents are still relatively young, but if your father has plans for their elder years, it's important that you know about them.

[Koala323]

It helped me to notice that she would say "I thought we were so happy" and the various opposites of that, and to hear her idolize and devalue dad, and to watch her over the years say things had changed in their marriage recently to become bad, but in fact things have always been dysfunctional between them.

That resonates with me so, so much.  It's exactly what my mom is doing, and any time I try to mention that they've been pretty dysfunctional for a while, she "spider webs" those comments.  Thank you for sharing, really helped.