Our Family Situation

[Diego9672]

Hi everyone,

  I am new to this website, which I found through a book I was reading on BPD. My family and I are convinced that my mother has BPD, and I wanted to come on this website to talk to other people in a similar situation. Although my parents are divorced and have a 50/50 agreement, she is still trying to control all of our lives and make us all miserable in the process. We stay with my mom almost 100% of the time, only going to my dad's house as punishment or when she decides so. She is constantly angry, controlling, and threatens to take everything good about our lives away from us. Anything I do can cause her to explode even if it is not elaborating enough after I say "yes ma'am," or crying when she picks at the acne on my face (an almost daily occurrence). Just yesterday, I got in trouble for my laundry being left inside-out (she had previously been in a bad mood) and she left for my brother's lacrosse tournament telling me to go to the basement and write lines. She was more angry than she had been in a while, and I have reached a point in my life where I am willing to try to protect myself when she gets this way. So, I called my dad and asked him to go to his house due to my fear of how she would be when she got home from the tournament, which is something I have not done ever in the almost two years they have been divorced. I went to my dad's house and my dad emailed her, all of us knowing she would react very negatively. In response, she told my scout troop leader to take me out of the payed for events that I would be attending that summer, which my dad paid half the price of. My dad explained the situation to my leader and I was not taken out of the events, however interactions such as this occur very often with my mother.

  There are more severe things that I am worried about and have worried me for a while, the most significant of which probably being the situation of my adopted brothers (I am going to refer to them this way because I am not going to use their names and I have a biological brother as well). When I was in fourth grade, my parents told me we were adopting, led by my mother. I was very excited to have a new brother, however, I should have known how the situation would turn out. Ever since we adopted my first brother, my mother treated him like, for lack of a better term, a second-class citizen in our house. He was regulated in what he ate and drank from the beginning, and if people were nice to him my mom would say they were undermining her and stop interacting with those people. She even cut off ties with one of her closest friends because she asked about him. She started not allowing him to see both my dad's side of the family and her side of the family. If he used improper grammar she would turn it into hour long sessions of belittling him instead of just telling him how to say it correctly. Despite the way things were going with my brother, she still chose to adopt another child. The situation got even worse. Their punishments were very extreme for very small things. There were months where they would only get to eat chick peas or spinach for almost every meal. They would be expected to sit in their "rooms" (empty rooms with a mattress, pillow, and blanket) all day during the summer until she got home. My siblings and I would disobey her of course, but she didn't know that. They both experienced many worse punishments for such small scenarios that my mom pretty much created, and although she treated us all poorly, you could definitely see that she treated my adopted brothers so much worse. Child Protective Services were called on her by someone in her work, because at one point she decided my youngest adopted brother had behavior so severe that he couldn't go to school anymore. He is actually a very well behaved child, but I think she hated the attention people gave him and that led her to resent him and make up ways that he was a bad child. Anyways, she "homeschooled him" and he went to work with her everyday in the same clothes and just sat on the floor. CPS was called but she lied to them of course, and nothing happened. Those are just some examples of the situation.

 It should be kept in mind that my father was trying to keep our family together so he agreed to a lot of things that he didn't think were right. However, he realized that it only made things worse if he agreed and he signed a separation agreement. The situation is very complicated but I will sum it up by saying that although they are divorced, she still uses lies, manipulation, and threats to control what he does. She has pretty much disowned my adopted brothers. One of my brothers remains at my dads house 100% of the time, while she sent my other brother to a boarding school in Kentucky for troubled kids. He is only 8 years old and I am very afraid of how it will affect him.

The current situation is as follows. Again, my parents are divorced and have a 50/50 agreement, but my mom keeps the biological children (three of us) the entire time unless she decides we need to go to my dad's as punishment. One of my adopted brothers spends 100% of the time at my dad's now because she decided that, and she sent my other brother to a boarding school that he doesn't need to go to. Those of us who see her almost daily have to deal with verbal abuse, occasionally physical abuse, and (at least for me and my brothers) every interaction being negative before we have even said a word. It should be noted that in the past physical abuse was more prominent with her but recently it has been mostly verbal abuse.

I am not really sure where else to go with this. I think I just wanted to share our situation with others in a similar situation, and maybe to get advice. It would be nice to hear the stories of others in a similar situation. I'm glad I found this website to talk to others in this situation and hopefully to find a way to deal with this situation. Thank you for reading this.

[kells76]

Hey Diego9672, welcome to the message board 

Glad you found us; you've got a lot on your plate at your age. This is a group that definitely gets how pwPDs (people with personality disorders) can show up "amazingly" to the outside world and very, very differently to family... even differently to different family members, as you're experiencing.

Like you mentioned, pwBPD (people with borderline personality disorder -- whether diagnosed or not) can be overly punitive to those they "paint black" (i.e. deem "all bad"). So, keep your safety in mind as you browse the site and read through books. Some members here have had pwBPD in their lives react badly to seeing this site, seeing books like "Stop Walking On Eggshells", etc.

While a lot of the members here are adult children of pwBPDs, many of the tools and skills that they learn and discuss are things you can try, too. We also just want to share our understanding and empathy for the position you find yourself in as a non-adult child.

Besides your dad, are there other adults in your life (uncles/aunts, teachers, coaches...?) who you feel you can turn to in person? Your safety is really important, so while one of the awesome things about this group is that it's remote and anonymous... well, that can be a downside sometimes, too. Please let us know as much about your support system as you feel comfortable with.

Diego6972, I'm sure there will be more folks welcoming you here too. Again, glad you're here.

-kells76

[Diego9672]

Hi kells76,

Thank you for your kind response  ! I appreciate you taking your time to talk to me. I will be sure to keep safety on my mind as I'm on this website and as I'm reading the book. I am hoping to use some skills I find to help with the situation.

Regarding my support system, I live really close to most of my dad's side of the family. More recently, they have been made more aware of the situation in our family and they are talking about ways to deal with the problem. However, in my first post I talked about how my mom still controls a lot of what my dad does even through the divorce. This includes trying to limit when we can see his family. We used to see them less than once a year, but recently we have been seeing them more at my dad's house. If my mom found out there would likely be a very big reaction and she would go back to trying to stop us from seeing them, but not telling her isn't a great option too so it's difficult. Despite this, my aunts especially are trying to find ways to help and remind my dad that they are always there to help which has really helped a lot . I don't know how comfortable I would be turning to a teacher or a coach, even though I have great teachers and coaches. I am not sure how much I would tell them or if they would be obligated to make people aware of my situation who could help. Do you think that I should talk to a trusted teacher/coach?

Thank you so much kells76, I really appreciate your time and response!

[GaGrl]

We're glad you found your way to this site. You have a lot going on!

Your school should have one or more counselors available to talk with you. That's where I would start.

[kells76]

Hey again Diego9672, good to hear from you again.

I don't know how comfortable I would be turning to a teacher or a coach, even though I have great teachers and coaches. I am not sure how much I would tell them or if they would be obligated to make people aware of my situation who could help. Do you think that I should talk to a trusted teacher/coach?

That's a great question. In many states, teachers and coaches are considered "mandatory reporters" -- that is, if they hear about suspected abuse/neglect, they are legally required to report it. So, there are some upsides and possibly downsides to that. On the plus side, teachers/coaches are guaranteed to report their suspicions to authorities, as I believe there can be serious consequences if they do not. On the other side, it sounds like your family has had CPS involved in the past, and your take on it was that it wasn't super helpful.

All that being said, what a lot of members here have learned is that sometimes it takes multiple interventions from authorities (whether CPS, the courts, police, etc) before they really "get it" about who the problem is. So, even though CPS may have been nonresponsive in the past, an ongoing pattern of calls and concerns about your family may raise the profile of your situation to them.

It also makes sense that you aren't sure how you feel about sharing all this with a coach or teacher. No worries; there's no pressure on you to do or not do anything.

I'm wondering if you have the kind of relationship with your dad where you can share all this with him first, too -- that you're beyond stressed out by the situation at Mom's and you are wondering if you should tell a school counselor/coach/etc, or just wondering what you should even do. Your dad may have a good perspective on if you need to do that, or what the benefits or downsides would be, as it sounds like he and his family are also in the middle of trying to change things for you?

Glad you have him and your aunts! Yes, it is difficult when one parent isn't happy, to put it mildly, about a kid spending time with the other parent and family and building those relationships. It's wrong of your mom to put you in the middle of her feelings like that, and I'm sorry that's happening. I hope you can repeat the mantra to yourself (maybe just in your head!) that the fact she doesn't like you spending time with them is a reflection of her own feelings, and you are a separate person who gets to have their own feelings. Your feelings may match your mom's occasionally, or differ from your mom's occasionally, and that's OK. You are you, not her. I hope you can keep that inner strength of "being your own person" and "not having to match Mom to make her happy". This is difficult when you are a kid living with her.

All the best,

kells76

[BrotherofBpd]

Hi Diego:

I just wanted to say that you're very brave to reach out for support at your age and I commend you on it.

Growing up in my family situation, I too had a lot of aunts who helped me through some rough times. I'm glad that you have them in your life.

[Diego9672]

Hi kells76, thank you again for your response!

That's what I thought, I heard my friend talking about that and her mom is a teacher. That was why I was a little hesitant, but it has also reached a point where I think that it might be necessary for CPS to have to get involved again. Like you said, at the very least it should make them more aware of our situation. I think also in the past after we had our situation with CPS, my mom was a little easier with her punishments and interactions for a few weeks. She did revert back but it would be nice to hope that maybe it would help a little bit, at least for a little while.

I will probably consider talking to a teacher or a coach because I do have many that I trust and maybe it would help me in a way. I also think that it is reaching a point where more people should know about the situation anyways because my mom is making it more and more clear the drastic measures she will take when she is angry.

I have a good relationship with my dad and we do talk about the situation a lot, but we have been having the same types of conversations for most of my life so there isn't usually any type of progress that comes from them. However, more recently we have been looking for ways to improve the situation so I definitely will talk to him about speaking with someone and see what he thinks. I wouldn't talk to anyone without making sure it was okay with him first because I don't want to make him more stressed than he is.

Yes, I am really glad that I have my dad and his family because they are always willing to help me and my siblings. They always listen to what we have to say and make sure we feel okay and I think that is especially important for my younger siblings because they are having to deal with the situation at such young ages. Thank you for reminding me of that .Sometimes it is hard to remember that when I am in this kind of situation with my mom but I will try to keep that in mind as much as I can.

Thank you so much, talking to you has really helped me clear my thoughts regarding the situation!

[Diego9672]

Hi BrotherofBPD,

Thank you so much! Reaching out to others in a similar situation has helped me so much already so I am thankful for you and all of those I have communicated with on this website. Your support is greatly appreciated








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