Anonymous1016
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/Living Together
Posts: 1
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« on: June 15, 2021, 10:12:39 AM » |
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I'm not sure what I'm looking for because I'm pretty sure the answer to my problem is pretty clear. I know that I need to leave, at least that's what everyone keeps telling me. I've been together with my SO for over six years. We rarely argue, and when we do, it's never come to us yelling at one another and it usually gets resolved immediately. We met eachother online and from the start, I've been lied to. My SO would send me pictures of a person that wasn't them. They would go on to tell me later that they did it out of fear. That they didn't want me to leave them because of what they really looked like. I like to think I'm a pretty forgiving person, maybe too forgiving? I had let it go because I genuinely fell for this person, not for their looks but for their personality. It's been years now and we've stuck with eachother for over six of them. We live together now but, I have my own problems. I thought it was up to me to get a house, car, job, etc. I thought that this is what made a relationship work. I was wrong, I know that now. I neglected everything they really wanted. Which was genuine love and affection. I grew up sort of sheltered and picked on so, when someone would get close to touching me, I'd flinch or pull away. I know that my SO wasn't out seeking to hurt me but my reflexes at the time were just that. Flinch and pull away. It wasn't their fault and I explained this to them several times.. But I know now that this is the driving force behind my current problems.. I understand now just how they feel because I feel like every day that goes by, I'm losing their affection. When my SO moved out to live with me. They left mostly everything behind, and moved across the states to be with me. I'm talkin' coast to coast. From the start, I didn't know my SO had BPD and I still don't really understand what it is. About a month ago, my SO took a trip home that I couldn't take with them because I have to work Mon-Fri. At the time I couldn't take time off of work. My SO kept in contact with me for the most part but, toward the end, I couldn't contact them for about two-three days straight. Completely ghosted me, which was new to me. It hurt because knowing how they could be about needing to know exactly where I was if I were 5-10 minutes late of texting or calling. This to me was unusual behavior and it immediately made me feel like something was wrong. I don't know if I picked up on all the years of my SO's worries and fears and started getting them myself. Anyway, she finally comes home and I confront them about it, telling them I knew something was up. They go on to tell me that they met up with an old friend while on their trip and that this person was loving and affectionate like I couldn't be. They were everything I hadn't been in six years. This person, one night while they were spending a night of drinking and smoking together apparently tried to kiss my SO and my SO's cousin 'caught them in the act. My SO goes on to tell me that they thought that the cousin thought that they were a couple and that my SO didn't want to tell them otherwise. I mean, I appreciate the truth but how can I be certain it's the entire truth? After this event, everything changed. My SO would call this person every day. Would run and hide in a room in our house and just video call this person while I was just kind of left in the dark. I could hear them laughing and talking about how they wanted to be together again and reliving the one or two weeks that my SO was there. Needless to say, it hurt like hell.. it's been about a month since then and I tried my hardest to repair our relationship. To be more loving and affectionate and I have been. I think my SO realized a change in me. Not going to lie, I think the thought of losing them broke my heart. I think it changed something inside me but, this calling the other person didn't stop. My SO would tell me that this person made them happy. Where as I felt like all I did was make them sad, upset, depressed. My SO goes on to tell me that they want to plan a trip again out to see the family but that they don't want me to go along. Currently, my SO is back home, I'm across the states.. They're hanging out with this other person that I feel I can't compare with.. They go out and at times, I can't get a hold of my SO. I feel so left in the dark. My SO is supposed to be returning Sunday or Monday. But I feel like they're not coming back. I feel like I've lost my chance. I feel like I'm being too clingy and jealous. But shouldn't I be jealous? Shouldn't I be worried? I don't know how to tell my SO no. I know my SO needs friends but.. is this really a friend? If my SO has feelings for someone else, why am I being kept on the side? I feel like I'm just backup. I feel like I'll never have the love from my SO that I once had. I feel like I can't even talk to them about it because it always leads to "Okay so, I have to feel guilty about everything I do now?" I feel like talking about it is just pushing my SO away further. I want nothing more but for them to come back to me, I want to work it out. But there are about six to seven days left of their trip and I know 90% of that is going to be spent with this other person. This person that doesn't care that my SO has a partner.. I know it's not their fault either. I keep blaming myself for what happened. If I had been more affectionate from the beginning, possibly could have avoided all of this.. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel emotionally drained. I find myself not wanting to clean the house or go to work. All I want is the truth, and I don't think I'll accept it if I got it at this point.. I know I should probably walk away from this.. But I want so bad to make it work. But I realize that's selfish.. you can't force someone to love you.. I try to make an effort to tell my SO how I feel about the whole situation but it feels like it gets brushed off to the side.. I feel like I don't exist half the time.. and I'm so alone.. I have like one friend I can talk to.. and they're not always around.. I used to be able to keep my mind occupied.. But it's becoming increasingly difficult.. the depression is getting worse.. I don't know if when my SO gets back from the trip things will be better or will they leave me for good? I don't know.. and I want to know.. I need to know that they still care for me.. they say they do but it doesn't FEEL like it.. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.. I don't want to leave them.. I don't.. We've been through so much together.. life changing stuff.. I feel like I've outlived my purpose.. and I don't know what to do..
Sorry, this is my first time putting my story/feelings into text. I think I kinda just jumbled it all together and it might not make a whole lotta sense..
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