Breakup

[Grass hoper]

  First post but have been doing a lot of reading on this site. A good friend suggested it after we talked about my relation with my now exgf. The article "How borderline relationship evolves" really nailed it. We met in a divorce care class and each had come out of 20+ plus year marriages. For me it was about 2.5 years, less than a year for her. The relationship of 14 months has followed the articles trajectory with uncanny accuracy. Everything the article states about what was said and how I felt is accurate. The red flags popped up soon into the relationship; sleeping with ex after we had conversation that I was not ready to marry after 4m dating or near future. I think she thought we were breaking up. After, I wished her well and walked away she said she missed me and I caved after a couple weeks. On top of the mountain again, only to have a nagging feeling that something off. Unable to have deep conversations, I don't remember a time that she asked me meaningful questions to find out who I was or  a follow-up question to something I may have said. Conversation revolved around her kids, ex, how rotten he is and was and her dislike for her job. I thought she wanted my advice, I felt needed. The physical part of the relationship started within weeks and was intense. Every week there was crisis with the ex either related to kids or paying support or some injustice. I listened, gave my thoughts which I think she appreciated. She had so much anger toward him, she called him "it". I planned a vacation in December for just the two us and it is wonderful. I did begin to notice she is pessimistic, things and people are stupid. Not much grace or empathy in her voice Well along comes Christmas, another Holiday  and she is sad because kids have to go back and forth to their dads was the same at t-giving. I try to cheer her up and I notice an emotional distancing...whats wrong I ask. Her response is to get angry and shut down. This is very confusing and hurtful. She reengages, and I think everything is going well. I plan a really special birthday for her in January, have a great time and then a couple days later it comes out. She slept with her ex over Christmas. She said she blames it on her holiday funk, missed her family,didn't mean anything, she loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I wish her well and walk out. We talk she apologizes and I forgive her. Now four months later she is asking if we are going to eventually get married b/c she needs help raising her children and doesn't want to wake up alone everyday. I say we need to continue to develop our relationship and building trust again is a part of it. Since then there is this emotional distancing but its intermittent as we did spend most days together and text multiple times a day. Over the last few weeks emotional distancing continued until I had to ask what are we doing. She felt something was off and wasn't sure what it was but felt she couldn't go back to the way she felt it was. I know this has been dysfunctional from the very beginning, but thought if I was kind, forgiving and loving it could work out. I waited until she said she wanted to breakup on the phone one night, which was weak on my part and has been my part from the start. We had no contact for a few days and then she asked about stuff we needed to get back to each other. She came over and we had some tears and rehashed the whole thing but she doesn't know why she's stuck and we were ending it. Then she initiated sex and I was a willing participant.  It was cold and impersonal, she got up and left with out saying much...she had been drinking. I'm so confused and hurting. There were a few items she forgot in the first load so I knew a text would come. We have been NC for a week. Well it came this afternoon, a shock went through my body. The text was business like, asked when she would like me to drop the remaining things off. I couldn't help myself , I called her and we talked awkwardly. I asked if this was it and she said yes, it was driving her crazy and couldn't think about it anymore (why its different now). She made one interesting comment that it might be some guilt about what she had done to me earlier in the relationship. But basically doesn't feel like it was in the beginning. I said I love you and she reciprocated, said she might be passing up the best thing that's happened to her but she cant see how it will change. I can tell she is firm in her answer no wavering. Why do I hurt so bad when I know this relationship isn't healthy and would not work out? Why didn't I walk away the other two times?  I'm confused and in such pain right now.
p.s. she is going to drop the stuff when i'm not home.
Thank you in advance!
 

[khibomsis]

  Grasshoper and welcome to the family! I am sorry to hear about your break up. It sounds.like a heart rending experience.  You are definitely in the right place, we're here to listen and support.
I have seen  quite a few times on these boards a situation where the non refuses to.marry or make any kind of .commitment unless the pwBPD gets into therapy, does the work of DBT or in other ways demonstrates a real commitment to change. It is an entirely sane decision to make, and an entirely sane thing to say. Almost always those relationships end up broken,after a few recycles they fall apart. The truth is that unless both sides are prepared to make  changes,a loving and peaceful relationship is almost impossible.  It is equally true that without that kind of commitment,the pwBPD feels insecure, dysregulates more than ever because their fear of  abandonment stays triggered,and  tends to triangulate (sleep around) .  I myself refused to deed her half of my house when requested.  To this day I believe it was the sane thing to do. But looking back I can see the relationship going downhill  from there.  
 What I am trying to say is that it was never about you. It was about BPD. They live their lives by different rules. And I don't judge, I would hate to walk a.mile in their shoes. It is what it is.
When you feel low,I would suggest having  a browse on the conflicted board. The pain and confusion which gets added once a marriage has to be dissolved has to be seen to be believed.
You dodged a bullet.
You did the right thing. The pain will pass.

[Rev]

Why do I hurt so bad when I know this relationship isn't healthy and would not work out? Why didn't I walk away the other two times?  I'm confused and in such pain right now.
p.s. she is going to drop the stuff when i'm not home.
Thank you in advance!
 

Hey Grass,

And welcome ... sorry you're here, glad you found us, is the way I see it.

Why do you hurt so much?  In a word, lack of closure keeps the wound open longer. So yes, give it time, keep working on it all. Educate yourself about the condition - that's where you are going to get closure.

For example, have you heard of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"?  There's a free audio version of that book on YouTube. It will give you perspective on how futile it is to blame yourself - any more than it would be to blame yourself because your ex was diabetic.   

Hang in there, check in from time to time. It helps. I'm two years out and now almost clear of any negative self talk - how could I be so stupid kind of stuff.

What kind of things are you telling yourself about yourself?

Rev

[Grass hoper]

Really appreciate the welcome and perspectives.
Rev, couple things regarding my self talk is; why didn’t I end it after  her first go back to ex? And WHY not after the second ! The first time I rationalized it by thinking well she probably thought I was going to break up with her. I wasn’t and never indicated that, I only wanted to open dialogue. I couldn’t put me finger on it at the time, but she shut down during conversation. Just a blank stare, no acknowledgement of what I just said. The second time , I just couldn’t stand the pain, ran back as the white knight, to offer forgiveness and to end my pain. The second thing is, thoughts that she really didn’t love me and now that we are done, she feels no pain or attachment anxiety loss. That she will just jump easily to the next replacement husband and forget me. She was married for 20 years in what sounds like a very turmoil filled home.

[Rev]

Really appreciate the welcome and perspectives.
Rev, couple things regarding my self talk is; why didn’t I end it after  her first go back to ex? And WHY not after the second !

Boy do I hear you on that one - so much shame came with those questions. I asked the same ones: "How could I be so stupid, especially when I (that's me) work with the public?  

Yep... There is only one thing that really kept me moving through the frustration and shame of that (at least for me - maybe you feel it differently). Well two things. My T said something really simple - "Rev, it's always easier to get into a relationship than to get out of one." So, hearing that took a lot of pressure off.  And my mentor said to me later on, "Rev., look at it this way. You now have a b-s meter that is the best money can buy."  And, you know what?  She is so right about that.  I have been able to lay down more boundaries in the last two years of my life then the last twenty (not an exaggeration) combined.  

Why do we go back? Because basically we think we can make things better ... if only (fill in the blank).  It's normal. You certainly didn't start the relationship to hopefully one day say, "Well that was a lot of fun, but you know, I only wanted a five year relationship, so... see ya!"

So yes, it really does hurt to know you wanted more, for me to know I wanted more, and that just came up short. Add the BPD traits to the mix, and it makes it doubly hard to move on. So... just understand the pain and frustration as a barometer of not whether or not you'll heal, but how long it might take to de-program yourself.

Hope that helps a little bit. Here's a question for you - have you named for yourself the top three personality qualities that you know make you a match for someone - or the top three qualities that you are NOT going to let this relationship rob you of?

Mine were - my sense of humour, my sense of ethics, my love of cooking.   Those aren't the only ones, but they're the top three. In the first three months of my breakup, I spent more time sorting things out with my buddies, laughing and cooking for them that I just got some momentum going. Sure there were some gut wrenching moments in all of the that (and I put 3500 miles on my car in the first month chain smoking with the radio full blast at all hours of the night and day) but remembering the good stuff in me helped me face the rest.

Hang in there bro.  You're asking all the right questions.

Rev

[Rev]

The second thing is, thoughts that she really didn’t love me and now that we are done, she feels no pain or attachment anxiety loss. That she will just jump easily to the next replacement husband and forget me.

Oh - and let me challenge you on this one.  

A) She really did love you, like a child loves a new toy until they become bored of it.  

B) She may not want to show you her pain (part of the BPD defense mechanism tool kit) but believe me, another broken relationship is just another reminder for her that she is broken. That's sad actually, and I have compassion for my ex in her suffering. Where I don't have any is that she refused (and likely still does) to help herself.

C) She will easily jump in bed with another one - not to forget you, but to remember what she couldn't have with you. She will think about you every day for the rest of her life.  That's how twisted a disorder BPD is. I have compassion for that too.  More that a year later, my ex was still spewing stuff publicly and she's the one who ended it.  I used to laugh at that one - "Yep. She ended the relationship because she got caught ______________ (that's a long story) and so in her mind, that's makes me an idiot!)

Again, hang in there bro.

Rev

[Grass hoper]

Thank you so much! I’m going to start working on my list.