BPD Mom had a stroke and can't talk

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello!

So my 83 year old mom with undiagnosed NPD/BPD had a stroke on Saturday and cannot talk. She's doing better physically but we won't know if she will get her ability to talk, eat or write back.

Of course I am upset and very stressed by this and I want her to make a full recovery. HOWEVER, is it crazy that I feel relieved knowing I won't get a random angry email or text from her? That I won't call or see her and find out she's mad at me, or mad at the world, or just behaving in a way that causes me a lot of stress and anxiety?

It's not that she's always angry or moody, and I can enjoy my time with her but I'm always on guard because I never know when she will get her nose out of joint about something. I've spent the last 46 years not knowing when the volcano would erupt and for the first time, the volcano is closed for business, at least verbally (she is still angry and sometimes hits my stepfather or the nurses out of frustration).

For the first time every, I am safe from her moods and anger. I can feel my body and soul relaxing my guard, even though at the same time I'm so upset that this has happened to her and worried about her future.

It's such a strange combination of feelings, and I also feel like I should feel guilty about my relief, but I don't. I just feel free of her anger, gaslighting, controlling behavior, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this? I would be very grateful to hear anyone else's experience with this.

THANKS!

[nyartgal]

Hello!

So my 83 year old mom with undiagnosed NPD/BPD had a stroke on Saturday and cannot talk. She's doing better physically but we won't know if she will get her ability to talk, eat or write back.

Of course I am upset and very stressed by this and I want her to make a full recovery. HOWEVER, is it crazy that I feel relieved knowing I won't get a random angry email or text from her? That I won't call or see her and find out she's mad at me, or mad at the world, or just behaving in a way that causes me a lot of stress and anxiety?

It's not that she's always angry or moody, and I can enjoy my time with her but I'm always on guard because I never know when she will get her nose out of joint about something. I've spent the last 46 years not knowing when the volcano would erupt and for the first time, the volcano is closed for business, at least verbally (she is still angry and sometimes hits my stepfather or the nurses out of frustration).

For the first time every, I am safe from her moods and anger. I can feel my body and soul relaxing my guard, even though at the same time I'm so upset that this has happened to her and worried about her future.

It's such a strange combination of feelings, and I also feel like I should feel guilty about my relief, but I don't. I just feel free of her anger, gaslighting, controlling behavior, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this? I would be very grateful to hear anyone else's experience with this.

THANKS!

[ThanksForPlaying]

Sorry to hear about your mom.

I think it's very interesting how we can feel the physical effects of BPD on our bodies... real physical symptoms. Amazing. Our bodies do a lot to warn us of dangerous relationships and we sometimes don't listen (obviously hard to notice when it started during childhood).

Enjoy the respite. Don't feel guilty. Take care of your body. I hope your mom recovers. Work on relaxation techniques so you can manage the physical effects if and when that happens.

[Methuen]

 

HOWEVER, is it crazy that I feel relieved knowing I won't get a random angry email or text from her? That I won't call or see her and find out she's mad at me, or mad at the world, or just behaving in a way that causes me a lot of stress and anxiety?

No this is not crazy at all.  The effects of her stroke leave you feeling safe from her BPD behavior temporarily.  It is not crazy that you are feeling safe.

I've spent the last 46 years not knowing when the volcano would erupt and for the first time, the volcano is closed for business

The unpredictability of her volcanic reactions is what causes our intense fear of these people.  If we knew when it was coming, we could mentally prepare.  

I can feel my body and soul relaxing my guard

Good for you.  This gives you something to strive towards feeling more often.  

Do not feel guilty.  We should not feel guilty for feeling safe.  The stroke is unfortunate, but still outside of your control.  If it brings temporary relief and safe feelings, it just is what it is.

My experience is a little different from yours.  Our family travelled to a different hemisphere a few years ago.  When we told my uBPD mom we were going on a holiday far away she said "I could die while you are gone".  She did not die.  She was perfectly fine while we were gone.  I was away for 3 weeks, and that was the first time I experienced the bodily relaxation you are describing now.  It was eye opening for me, and gave me the motivation to strive for that feeling in my daily life.  It was like having the threatening storm cloud lifted off me, and I gradually relaxed enough to become aware of what that felt like.  Now I do more self-care and I am much healthier mentally and physically.  Like your mom, my mom is physically needy.  After every fall, she requires intensive physical support, so I arrange home care, and I supplement what they don't do.  

I would highly recommend you speak to a social worker at her hospital about your situation.  I did.  When you reach out for help to the professionals, and explain the situation, helpful resources can come your way.  I simply told my mom I wasn't able to be her nurse 24/7 because it was too much for me physically.  Push back?  Yes-in the beginning.  Now she accepts it as normal everytime she has another fall.  After a bad stroke your mom is probably going to need support to.  Don't feel like you  have to do all of it.  It doesn't work to try to do this for a BPD mom.  When I tried the first time she fell, it was  . Nothing I did was right or good enough.  She just yowled and cried, but she doesn't behave like that for home support people.  She also raged at me that all her pain was my fault. Home support is definitely the way to go after your mom is released from hospital or rehab.  Just my thoughts and experience.  Not sure if this is helpful or not.

You are definitely not crazy.

[GaGrl]

The social worker at the hospital will be invaluable.

Your mother will have an aftercare plan. My mom (not BPD/NPD, but with a few traits) went from hospital to rehab to hospital to rehab to home health care to Home Hospice care. She died last week -- 95 years old.

Even if she is not verbal, she can express her emotions. Be prepared for her medical team to address that. It was distressing the first time my mom hallucinated, and the first time she didn't know who I was.

Various therapies (occupational, physical, speech) will be able to assess quickly how far she can recover.

[Methuen]

After one of my moms falls and a trip to the hospital in an ambulance, my mom, who had a fractured femur and couldn’t walk, was given pain killer and “released” so I had to take her home again.  She ended up being in a wheelchair for 3 months. But that day she was released from hospital, there was no after care plan.  Nothing. I begged hem to at least keep her in the hospital overnight, but they said hey didn’t have a bed.   She was 83 at the time and lived alone.  Looking after her was  .  After about 6 weeks I was close to a nervous breakdown.  I went to my Dr, who was also her doctor, and asked for home care. That got the ball rolling, because I stated I simply couldn’t do it anymore.  That’s what it took.

Where I live, the medical system assumes the family will provide after care, and unless you advocate for support, it may not be offered.

Hopefully with your mom because her stroke will require a more complex level of care than my moms fractured femur, there will be more support available for her and you.  Take everything you can get.  That will leave you with the emotional resources to support her as best as you can in other  ways.

OT, PT, and Speech therapy will be helpful, but it could be a long road to recovery, so it is going to be important to take care of yourself.  It’s the airplane example of putting your own oxygen mask on before helping the child with theirs.  

The social worker is your  advocate.  I didnt know about that when my mom was released without an after care plan.  She has had subsequent falls, and before she is released I make dure the after care plan is arranged and innplace fir when she arrives home. 

Wishing you care and calm.

[nyartgal]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses! You are so right about talking to the social worker. She will be in acute rehab for 3-4 weeks so I have a little time to assess and make a plan. She is married to a very sweet and doting man who spends 12 hours a day at the hospital to keep her company, but he's 84 and getting a little frail in terms of memory/hearing/cognition, so I really need to be the one to talk to the doctors. I absolutely do not want to wind up responsible for taking care of her myself! I have two small kids and a busy career and I cannot be at the hospital every single day for the next month.

I feel like my mind is gently exploring this new reality of no "surprise eruptions" from my Mom. She had really been on a tear the last few weeks about who knows what, desperate for attention, mad at everyone, blaming everyone for her untreated anxiety, all sorts of ego nonsense...you know the drill. None of it works on me anymore (thanks, therapy!) but I am the only person in the family who still talks to her and of her "close" friends, there are only a few left and only one lives in NYC like me. My brother and she have no relationship. It's all on me.

I also feel so sad for her. I don't know a person in the world who wanted a close family, a cheering section, a slew of best friends the way she always has...but systematically destroyed all of those relationships over and over. I learned that just a few days before the stroke she saw a friend from out of town, and instead of the lovely time she imagined, she wound up angry at this person because she was jealous of the attention the friend supposedly paid to my stepfather! It's all so stupid and kind of tragic. She has to sabotage it somehow, because no matter how much love or attention someone gives her, it's never enough. All the classic stuff...

I feel confused about how much I am responsible for. When my mom was in the hospital for two weeks for emergency heart surgery about ten years ago, I visited her every day except for ONE. Literally 3 days before her surgery I had broken up with my (ex)husband of almost a decade. The hospital was over an hour on the subway each way, and I allowed myself only one day to mourn my marriage and not schlep up there. My mom's memory of it is that she was in the hospital and I barely came to visit. So I know no matter what I do, it won't be enough.

I guess this should be freeing on some level. I just feel like my own mental health, happiness, career, kids, husband etc also matter and deserve to be a priority. Is that selfish? Even if it is, is that bad? I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anyone that I'm a "good daughter," no matter how many times she's told me I'm a bad one. I know I'm a good daughter because I didn't tell her to go to hell like everyone else. And also, I actually try, while maintaining very strict boundaries and a healthy emotional distance from her BS. I don't want my entire life to be sucked into the vortex of her health issues, which were somewhat self-inflicted. I need to find a balance and be okay with it.

[Mommydoc]

I've spent the last 46 years not knowing when the volcano would erupt and for the first time, the volcano is closed for business.

That says it all.  As sad as your mothers stroke is, “ volcano closed for business”  is a good thing for you.  Do not feel guilty about those feelings.  You have been a good daughter and you deserve peace and stability.

my own mental health, happiness, career, kids, husband etc also matter and deserve to be a priority. Is that selfish? Even if it is, is that bad? I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anyone that I'm a "good daughter," no matter how many times she's told me I'm a bad one.

Yes, yes, yes! They all matter and deserve to be a priority.  Self care is not bad.  I love that you know you don’t have to prove yourself as a good daughter no matter how many times you have been told otherwise.

You have all the insight and answers. I hear it in your self reflection.  Keep listening to your inner voice.