Non committed relationship- trying to understand

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been seeing a girl for the last 6 months. From the very begging she was upfront does not want commitment or to date and is looking for companionship. For the first few months she was talking to me and another guy. Eventually she stopped talking to him and we started seeing each other everyday and talking and spending time with each other. We did not have sex because she said every time she does she pushes people away. Well about a month ago we started having sex and she asked me why I wanted to date her because she knew I liked her. I told her the reasons and then she said “I am going to push you away now” and that it’s probably just her hormones from having sex and that we should stop having sex.

We still are seeing each other basically everyday l, but now she’s talking to other guys openly in front of me via dating apps. She brings up traveling together more and going to places together. We still see each other all the time but texting has slowed down. Does not kiss me anymore unless during sex.

We still hug, cuddle and touch each other. It’s off and on with her though sometimes I feel like she’s doesn’t want to push me away other times I feel like she definitely wants me to go away. I want to remain in a companionship with her even if we don’t end up dating I can get over that because I like the dynamic for the most part that we have. She’s fun, easy to talk to and I don’t need emotional support from her and she says she doesn’t need it from me nor want it but I still try and comfort her and be there for her.

Also she told me we have gotten very close to each other and she didn’t want that. She makes references on how she hopes in a year we won’t see each other and sometimes she says nice things to me other times she says some rude things like a teeter totter. I want to make this work even if we don’t date, but I’m beyond confused.
Of course I think it’s me and that the other guy she’s talking to a lot and  she’s going to just move on to him. Which if that happens fine, but I’m trying to understand if this has anything to do with me and her being intimate and shes pushing me away because she doesn’t want to be any closer and me intimate and the fact I just opened up to her more than I ever have.
 I guess I wanting to know what to do or if there are any questions I could ask her to clear things up between us?

Ps: she invited me to travel with her and we got back from that trip.. that’s pretty intimate to me and her. She makes commitments how let’s find you a girlfriend and so forth, but then again another comment as to she doesn’t want me to go far away and still be close to her.

PSs: we talked somewhat and she has told me she destroys every relationship she is in and destroy the other person and that is a main reason why she does not want to date. Also she just got out of a 3 year relationship a year ago and has said she’s not over him.

Psss: she is very open to talk about things but I don’t know what questions to even ask or to talk to her about. She says she doesn’t like me but I’m thoughtful so that’s why we are hanging out. (Is she telling her self all this to protect herself from becoming to close?) if she doesn’t like me why do we hangout all the time and go and do things?


Am I being used? Possibly, but I do like what we have aside from the fact she doesn’t want commitment and she’s talking to other guys.

[Superpal10]

I’ve been seeing a girl for the last 6 months. From the very begging she was upfront does not want commitment or to date and is looking for companionship. For the first few months she was talking to me and another guy. Eventually she stopped talking to him and we started seeing each other everyday and talking and spending time with each other. We did not have sex because she said every time she does she pushes people away. Well about a month ago we started having sex and she asked me why I wanted to date her because she knew I liked her. I told her the reasons and then she said “I am going to push you away now” and that it’s probably just her hormones from having sex and that we should stop having sex.

We still are seeing each other basically everyday l, but now she’s talking to other guys openly in front of me via dating apps. She brings up traveling together more and going to places together. We still see each other all the time but texting has slowed down. Does not kiss me anymore unless during sex.

We still hug, cuddle and touch each other. It’s off and on with her though sometimes I feel like she’s doesn’t want to push me away other times I feel like she definitely wants me to go away. I want to remain in a companionship with her even if we don’t end up dating I can get over that because I like the dynamic for the most part that we have. She’s fun, easy to talk to and I don’t need emotional support from her and she says she doesn’t need it from me nor want it but I still try and comfort her and be there for her.

Also she told me we have gotten very close to each other and she didn’t want that. She makes references on how she hopes in a year we won’t see each other and sometimes she says nice things to me other times she says some rude things like a teeter totter. I want to make this work even if we don’t date, but I’m beyond confused.
Of course I think it’s me and that the other guy she’s talking to a lot and  she’s going to just move on to him. Which if that happens fine, but I’m trying to understand if this has anything to do with me and her being intimate and shes pushing me away because she doesn’t want to be any closer and me intimate and the fact I just opened up to her more than I ever have.
 I guess I wanting to know what to do or if there are any questions I could ask her to clear things up between us?

Ps: she invited me to travel with her and we got back from that trip.. that’s pretty intimate to me and her. She makes commitments how let’s find you a girlfriend and so forth, but then again another comment as to she doesn’t want me to go far away and still be close to her.

PSs: we talked somewhat and she has told me she destroys every relationship she is in and destroy the other person and that is a main reason why she does not want to date. Also she just got out of a 3 year relationship a year ago and has said she’s not over him.

Psss: she is very open to talk about things but I don’t know what questions to even ask or to talk to her about. She says she doesn’t like me but I’m thoughtful so that’s why we are hanging out. (Is she telling her self all this to protect herself from becoming to close?) if she doesn’t like me why do we hangout all the time and go and do things?


Am I being used? Possibly, but I do like what we have aside from the fact she doesn’t want commitment and she’s talking to other guys.

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[khibomsis]

  Superpal, and welcome to the family! It sounds like a difficult situation you are in. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you were happy being casual at first but now you are catching feelings for this girl.

Has she told she is living with BPD? It certainly is a symptom of BPD to be both scared of abandonment but also fearing intimacy because it causes them to feel engulfed. You have to accept then that it is not about you, but about the mental illness.

Either way, I think you should give her credit for  being to be honest with you and trying to manage a difficult situation with communication. And really, who does not need another good friend? They are worth more than gold and especially so for pwBPD. You would also have to ask yourself if you want to be the guy at the centre of the inner conflict that arises when one lives in the middle of fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy?

I would suggest educating yourself on BPD, the lessons at the top of this board are extremely useful. Here is a good place to start:
Abandonment: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47237.0
Intimacy: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.
  

[Superpal10]

Superpal, and welcome to the family! It sounds like a difficult situation you are in. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you were happy being casual at first but now you are catching feelings for this girl.

Has she told she is living with BPD? It certainly is a symptom of BPD to be both scared of abandonment but also fearing intimacy because it causes them to feel engulfed. You have to accept then that it is not about you, but about the mental illness.

Either way, I think you should give her credit for  being to be honest with you and trying to manage a difficult situation with communication. And really, who does not need another good friend? They are worth more than gold and especially so for pwBPD. You would also have to ask yourself if you want to be the guy at the centre of the inner conflict that arises when one lives in the middle of fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy?

I would suggest educating yourself on BPD, the lessons at the top of this board are extremely useful. Here is a good place to start:
Abandonment: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47237.0
Intimacy: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.
  

Yes I did catch feelings. Casual was fine at first.
I tried hard not too, spending everyday every weekend it’s so hard not to catch feelings for this girl. I truly can see she has a good heart and it hurts me. She so honest it’s likes she’s taunting me. She has told me she has bpd. Actually just today she told me she had sex with another guy and took his shirt  (why bother telling me this?) yes it hurts. I got drunk and went out and had did my own thing and told her this too… I feel like it’s a game. If all I can have with her is a close friendship then I want than, but she is pushing me away and we are talking less and less.
Also what do you mean by “ You would also have to ask yourself if you want to be the guy at the centre of the inner conflict that arises when one lives in the middle of fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy?”

[khibomsis]

hey Superpal, I am sorry that happened!
It is strange that I am pleased about anything in this situation, but I guess it is because when I first came to these boards, it was rare to find someone with BPD diagnosed and accepting the diagnosis. It is one of the pre-conditions for them getting better and the relationship to work, so that is good news.
Do you happen to know how she got diagnosed? Is she in therapy?

What I meant was that she is aware she has this pattern of behaviour: if she gets intimate with somebody then she pushes them away. She communicated this to you from the start. It is part of the BPD. Probably she has many failed relationships behind her, and she is trying not to do this to you. Because, of course, she cannot engage in this pattern of behaviour alone, someone has to be willing to engage with her in it as well. Are you prepared to be that someone?

If she is needing space I feel you should give that to her. Focus on remaining the guy she was attracted to. She will come and go as the push-pull takes her and the best you can do is be patient and hope to build trust over time.  Hope this makes sense?

[Superpal10]

hey Superpal, I am sorry that happened!
It is strange that I am pleased about anything in this situation, but I guess it is because when I first came to these boards, it was rare to find someone with BPD diagnosed and accepting the diagnosis. It is one of the pre-conditions for them getting better and the relationship to work, so that is good news.
Do you happen to know how she got diagnosed? Is she in therapy?

What I meant was that she is aware she has this pattern of behaviour: if she gets intimate with somebody then she pushes them away. She communicated this to you from the start. It is part of the BPD. Probably she has many failed relationships behind her, and she is trying not to do this to you. Because, of course, she cannot engage in this pattern of behaviour alone, someone has to be willing to engage with her in it as well. Are you prepared to be that someone?

If she is needing space I feel you should give that to her. Focus on remaining the guy she was attracted to. She will come and go as the push-pull takes her and the best you can do is be patient and hope to build trust over time.  Hope this makes sense?

Thank you!
That is something I appreciate his her honesty with it and I can only blame myself because she told me right from the beginning.I know she is not in therapy because she doesn’t have the time and I’m not sure how she got diagnosed but she told me she has bpd depression and anxiety. She hasn’t told me she needs space. In fact she’s told me she doesn’t want me to move far and away wants me to stay close to her. I spend all my time with her so if I decide to go on a date with someone instead of be with her and hangout I feel I might loose her. Which I don’t want to and at this points she has showed me all of her sides aside from when she gets really angry. She has brought up even her very best friend they get into fights and don’t talk for months to a year sometimes, but I can say me and him are very different . I let myself get feelings for her and literally everyone I know said not to go down this path but I have done it anyway.

[Ventak]

Hey Superpal, sounds like a very difficult experience for you.  You are among friends here.  I've found this site to be an amazing resource with many people that can give you incredible advice.  I'm not one of those yet, but working on it, and can give my experience that might prove useful for you.

When I read your original post, my thoughts were that it could have been written by probably 100 of my BPDw's online boyfriends, except that hers only occasionally meet in the "real world" and usually end quickly after they do.  So, keep in mind that my perspective may or may not apply to your situation.

My BPDw is often very honest with guys, telling them about her mental health issues and that they shouldn't fall for her, and that she only wants friendship.  They always turn romantic.  She believes that she has done nothing to get them to fall for her, only chats with them innocently.  However, once it turns romantic she goes all in... until she doesn't.  This gives her a great deal of validation.  What she expresses to me is that "even though they know I'm [broken | crazy | mean] they still care for me.

In her case, I believe that her treating the relationship in this manner gives her the justification to treat them badly at the end of the relationship.  As in - "I warned them not to fall for me".  Or - "I told them it would end badly".  Or - "I said that I would push them away, not my fault they didn't listen". 

When she gets upset at them, but isn't quite ready to pull the plug... she goes on dating sites and starts sending them profiles of women they should date.  She likes to be pursued, and I believe this is her testing them, as they almost always tell her they don't want other women, only her... this gives her the validation she so desperately needs.

When she nears the end of their usefulness, she usually slowly ghosts them.  Often blocking them so even if they do contact her the messages don't go through.

Again, not saying the end result from your pwBPD is the same as my BPDw... but the starting patterns are eerily similar to me.

[Superpal10]

Hey Superpal, sounds like a very difficult experience for you.  You are among friends here.  I've found this site to be an amazing resource with many people that can give you incredible advice.  I'm not one of those yet, but working on it, and can give my experience that might prove useful for you.

When I read your original post, my thoughts were that it could have been written by probably 100 of my BPDw's online boyfriends, except that hers only occasionally meet in the "real world" and usually end quickly after they do.  So, keep in mind that my perspective may or may not apply to your situation.

My BPDw is often very honest with guys, telling them about her mental health issues and that they shouldn't fall for her, and that she only wants friendship.  They always turn romantic.  She believes that she has done nothing to get them to fall for her, only chats with them innocently.  However, once it turns romantic she goes all in... until she doesn't.  This gives her a great deal of validation.  What she expresses to me is that "even though they know I'm [broken | crazy | mean] they still care for me.

In her case, I believe that her treating the relationship in this manner gives her the justification to treat them badly at the end of the relationship.  As in - "I warned them not to fall for me".  Or - "I told them it would end badly".  Or - "I said that I would push them away, not my fault they didn't listen". 

When she gets upset at them, but isn't quite ready to pull the plug... she goes on dating sites and starts sending them profiles of women they should date.  She likes to be pursued, and I believe this is her testing them, as they almost always tell her they don't want other women, only her... this gives her the validation she so desperately needs.

When she nears the end of their usefulness, she usually slowly ghosts them.  Often blocking them so even if they do contact her the messages don't go through.

Again, not saying the end result from your pwBPD is the same as my BPDw... but the starting patterns are eerily similar to me.

This seems very familiar to what’s happen to me it seems. It’s like she’s set me and herself up to fail invite me out on date nights and such… Although there was talk of her potentially exploring poly but she isn’t dating so that’s not an option. She is even talking about saying she will ghost me and so forth eventually. The thing is yes I guess I give her validation but I don’t chase her like mad or text or all the time she’s the one always ended up initiating a conversation again we’ve talked every day even if not much anymore we see each other every day for the most part. She goes and does her thing then km like ok I’ll go out too and do mine if she breaks plans I just go and do my own things. I can do things alone she can’t. My biggest concern is that she will leave completely and honestly everything is telling me she will but is easing herself into it. It’s hard for me to back off my feelings  at this point but I’m not needy and she knows that.

[Superpal10]

I havnt had another response to this thread :/ but I wanted to update

About a day ago she had told me she’s done with the week and that she’s going to bed. Very passive aggressively, ignored the text because the whole day before and that day I was try to support her through the stress and her change jn hormones (that time of month) after about an hour she text me back and said I’m going to delete everything bye. I was confused and asked what she meant and I never got a response. But yet she is liking and commenting and sending me things via social media.
I’m beyond confused, but is this how bpd acts when she is closer to someone? She definitely is pushing me away and I don’t know if I should just stop texting her until she respondes or at least let her know I’m here if she wants to talk. Granted she’s never wanted to in the last and if I’ve asked if she was ok and said I’m here for her she acted like I thought there was something wrong with her.

[Jose Maria]

Hey, don't be fooled!
The problem with BDPs is that they can tell you that it is casual while at the same time trying by all means to get you to compromise. They do boyfriends things and then they break up. That is a dissociation that they have with their feelings and you as a healthy person cannot have it.
She is not behaving well or in a way that an empathetic being like you is going to put up with for long. Make things clear to him and tell him you want something formal or you are leaving. And don't hesitate to say it, there is nothing worse than that when dealing with a borderline person.

[Ventak]

I’m beyond confused, but is this how bpd acts when she is closer to someone? She definitely is pushing me away and I don’t know if I should just stop texting her until she respondes or at least let her know I’m here if she wants to talk. Granted she’s never wanted to in the last and if I’ve asked if she was ok and said I’m here for her she acted like I thought there was something wrong with her.

I would encourage you to read through this site quite a bit, These pages have some excellent material:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0;sort=views;desc
https://bpdfamily.com/#clinical-overview

But to answer your question, relationships with pwBPD are definitely confusing.. it may be the one thing that all pwBPD have in common.  That and the two phrases "I hate you, don't leave me" and "walking on eggshells" seem to fit all BPD relationships as well.  Most people I've read from here had an amazing start to the relationship, usually lasting 3 months to 3 years.. and things slowly get worse and then escalate in the push away, come back cycle.