Looking for Advice and Stories on Surviving the Hardest Times

[zachira]

I am stuck in endless legal battles with my NPD sister and brother with BPD, because I own properties with them. The properties are worthless in same cases and others not worth a lot of money. I have hired a lawyer to help me become financially and legally independent of my siblings. I am one of six generations of scapegoats in a dysfunctional family system in which the scapegoats can do no right and the golden children are worshipped no matter how egregious their behaviors. My biggest fear is I will lose my entire extended family. There are family members who have been kind to me, though in the last couple years, my sister seems to be able to manipulate everyone, as I have had little access to family members due to having been unable to travel because of the pandemic. It is obvious from the limited contact I have had with family members and friends, even the nice ones, that they are being negatively influenced by my NPD sister, and she is using them to get information she can use against me in the legal proceedings Some days, I am just so depressed and other days, I get up my courage to keep going and make the best of my day. I am no contact with all family members right now, because it is obvious my sister is using them to get information about me, that could be used in legal proceedings which is heartbreaking and extremely lonely for me.
I would like some advice on how to get through the times when you can't be straight forward about what is going on, and have to go it alone while still being directly affected by the horrible behaviors of your dysfunctional family members and family friends. I know I really enjoy kind and caring people, who don't pretend to be nice like so many of my family members who are horrible people to those they are closest to when nobody is looking. Above all, I fear the revenge that my sister and her flying monkeys will continue to inflict on me, for my refusal to accept their abuse and my insistence on having healthier boundaries. If I do indeed get some favorable decisions in my legal battles , and can return to the family, I hope I will be able to restore the relationships I have with the family members I do want in my life.
Please share your stories. I have so much respect for many members on PSI for how they handle the never ending problems with their dysfunctional family members which for now requires me to be no contact with the family and being faced on a regular basis with the heartbreak of it all.

[Methuen]

Zachira, I am so saddened to hear you are feeling low and even depressed because you feel so isolated from your family because of your sister's vicious and pernicious-sounding behavior.  Because my situation is different than yours, I cannot pretend to know what you are experiencing.  But I still want to support you.

There are family members who have been kind to me, though in the last couple years, my sister seems to be able to manipulate everyone, as I have had little access to family members due to having been unable to travel because of the pandemic.

  You mention there are family members who have been kind to you.  I am wondering if there is a single person in your family that you have a trusting and personal relationship with, and whom you trust is unlikely to be manipulated by your sister?  Do you have an aunt or a cousin whom you maintain an email connection or relationship with?

It is obvious from the limited contact I have had with family members and friends, even the nice ones, that they are being negatively influenced by my NPD sister, and she is using them to get information she can use against me in the legal proceedings

Can you tell us more about this, or give an example?

I am no contact with all family members right now, because it is obvious my sister is using them to get information about me, that could be used in legal proceedings which is heartbreaking and extremely lonely for me.

Can you tell us more about how you have come to learn that your sister is extracting information from family to use in legal proceedings against you?  Where are you hearing this from?  Can you trust the source(s)?   

If I do indeed get some favorable decisions in my legal battles , and can return to the family, I hope I will be able to restore the relationships I have with the family members I do want in my life.

Is there a family member that you have enough of a relationship with, to send an email or text, and reach out to say hello, and ask how they are doing with the pandemic?  Is there a family member you want to stay in contact with, regardless of the legal outcomes?

When I grew up, I had 6 sets of aunts/uncles on my mothers side, and 5 on my fathers side.  I probably have about 70 cousins.  I've never counted them all. Some of them I've never met.  I have one I fostered a relationship with over the years, but we live far apart and only get to visit in person once every year or two.  But when we do, it's like we were never apart.  I didn't really get to know her and her husband until about 12- 15 years ago.  I also have several cousins who live across the pond that I email or whatsapp with a few times a year.  And a few cousins that I connect with more superficially once every 5 years or so, usually during travel.  On my fathers side I have one cousin whom I trust and have a relationship with, see once a year on average, and email occasionally.  My father's side was "normal".  Intergenerational trauma has manifested itself through my mother's entire family.  It's a deep dark secret in a largely religious family, so most don't want to talk about it.  But because everyone is affected, I have tried to foster a relationship with the one or two I trust, and who are more open like me, to talk about the issues within the family, with the goal of trying to understand, and "process".  Because I have one or two cousins I can talk to about some things, I do not feel as isolated as you.  I can't appreciate what that level of aloneness would be like. 

We're not blood relations here at bpdfamily, but we get what it's like to have toxic family members.  We're here to listen to you Zachira, anytime you need us.  I don't want you to feel so isolated and alone.  That is the worst.  It also lets your sister win, and you are not going to let her do that to you, because it sounds like that is exactly what she is wanting you to feel - alone. Do NOT give her that.  I am a bit curious about where you are getting this information from, that she has tainted every family member against you.  Are the sources you are getting this from reliable? 

Please tell us more when you are ready.  I am wondering if it is possible you are getting this information from the very people she has enlisted to make you feel like this?  Is there irrefutable "evidence" that even the kindest family have gone over to her dark side?  I would like to believe you have family that are silent who think to themselves "I don't know how she (Zachira) manages with that sister.  I couldn't."

Was there a situation where you were at a family funeral once (can't remember whose), where you really didn't want to go because of the toxicity, but you did, and some kind family members came to your side and were kind and sat with you?  Can you reach out and check in with those people to see how they are doing?  Or have they also been enlisted by your sister?

There are many cases where family members are estranged from family for various reasons.  LGBTQ comes to mind.  There are so many others.  These people find new meaningful families in new communities.  I know you know this already, but keep fostering family in new places.  I know you have spoken of very good friends, who are kind people.  Just keep surrounding yourself with those kind people Zachira. Find meaning in work (I recall you got intrinsic satisfaction from your job - working with young people I think?), and keep finding ways to fill your heart with kindness by continuing to do kind things for others.  Be sure to accept kindness offered to you too! Keep searching for gratitude in the little places, so your heart can feel joy - from the sun, the birds, the scent of flowers in a park...  Don't let your sister suck the joy out of your life.  Just don't give her that. 

This business with your siblings will eventually find an end.  This too will pass, even if it doesn't feel like it now.  In the meantime, you have your BPDfamily here.  Post whenever you feel like it.  We are here for you, in a way that some people simply can't be, because they don't have the lived experience of having a BPD family member.  You are NOT alone.  We are here for you 100%.

[Baglady]

Hi Zachira   

Just wanted to second absolutely everything that Methuen has written and to let you know that you are not alone. 

I grew up in a FOO with well-meaning parents who they themselves survived significant trauma and so weren't the most emotionally equipped to raise healthy children.  Thus, I was a sitting duck for my exBPDh.  One of the many, many reasons that I put up with less than stellar treatment from him over decades was his family.  I adored all 18 members, they were (from the outside looking in - I can now appreciate from the benefit of hindsight!) the picture-perfect, wholesome family that I simply yearned to have a child.  I did all the fun things - the vacations, the holidays, the trips with them etc.  I fully invested myself in all the relationships, I changed the diapers of the nieces and nephews, cooked Thanksgiving dinner almost 20 years (and I loathe cooking  ), visited Gramma at the home, drove everyone to the airport...  My love language is acts of service - so I eagerly sought every opportunity to show them how much I loved and appreciated them.  I felt they were a reward for a tough childhood (and I was willing to tolerate a lot of acting out from my ex because of them).

Fast forward, literally 2 months after my whirlwind of a divorce (initiated by my ex in a matter of weeks while actively psychotic),  the family shunning of me began.  They were so reluctant to acknowledge the reality of my ex's mental breakdown that they chose to write off all of his behaviors off to me.  I "caused" it somehow.  Easier to blame-shift it all to my shoulders. 

I am not from this country so I had absolutely no other family members to lean on during this time.  The divorce was bad but the family shunning was almost worse to be honest  .  Combined - the whole situation almost broke me.

Three years out, I have zero contact with any of the family and now I can honestly say I'm heartily glad for this.  Since my divorce, I have invested serious time and energy into fully developing my relationships with treasured, emotionally healthy friends and this effort is paying dividends in terms of my happiness level and equilibrium.   I do still have lonely times (the holidays are really torturous for me because all of my friends have families and though I'm invited along, I dislike being around other families then as it's still far too painful).

I don't mean to hijack your post but offer you a sample of someone else's experience of going through something similar in sympathy.  It is so devastatingly painful to experience this type of behavior from family members and few can empathize like members here on this site.

Honestly, if the properties aren't worth much...could you just walk away?  The sooner you are away from the family entanglements, the earlier you can start to heal?

In the meantime, I would encourage you, like Methuen has, to really work on fostering your friendships - your "found family" - so that you can build up that circle of support for yourself that sadly your family are not proving to be.

Much empathy 

Warmly,
B

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for taking the time to reply and your empathy.
Yesterday, I reached out to a cousin I trust (not one of my first cousins on my father's side of the family) (before I saw your post). This cousin has been influenced by my sister in that she has repeated to me negative things my sister has obviously said about me as other family members and friends have been doing since this particular legal battle came alive with attorneys being hired and legal proceedings beginning. The difference is that this cousin is open to hearing my side whereas other relatives view me with contempt as the scapegoat and worship my sister despite how badly she behaves, including being one of the most openly abusive parents and wives that I have ever seen. I need to differentiate between the people who are like my sister and have to have someone to scapegoat so they can feel better about themselves versus the people who really don't know what is going on and not wanting to take sides.
It is interesting that you bring up what goes on at family funerals. My first cousins, all of whom seem to have bought into the family narrative of either being a golden child or a scapegoat, were barely speaking to me at my mother's funeral, even though I had done nothing to them and had not seen most of them in years. (A few years ago, my sister and I took a trip to visit some of my mother's relatives. My sister blew up in front of some of the cousins we barely know from this side of the family because they were talking to me, to the point that my cousin had to remove my sister from the room so I could continue talking to his wife. I later caught my sister telling the most egregious lies about me to my cousin's wife. I am certain that this is why for most of my life when I attend events with my father's family, certain relatives and family friends talk to me with contempt if they speak to me at all.) Getting back to my mother's funeral: Althought the first cousins were treating me like dirt, the younger generation stepped up and showed me that they were light years ahead of their parents and grandparents in letting me know that I was not alone and that they cared. I was sitting alone in the church, and two of the members of the younger generation came and sat with me during the funeral. Later on, some of the younger generation came and asked me to hang out with them.
Thank you for reminding me that there are always some decent people. I do have some relatives that I will continue to be in contact with no matter how my legal cases turn out. It hurts deeply that I have no immediate family members that I will ever feel safe around. I have to let go of any hope that I can have relationships with these people and enjoy the fine people who are kind to me. I am so delighted that so many members of the younger generations are not engaging in the terrible scapegoating dynamics of the older generations. It reminds me of how sorry I felt when my parents and their siblings never let up on scapegoating certain siblings who were wonderful people and always kind to me.
I appreciate so much being able to post here. Some days, I am catastrophizing and feelings hopeless, knowing I have many legal battles ahead of me, and in the midst of an extremely painful one right now with my sister and her flying monkeys.

[Notwendy]

Zachira- I know you know my story about my BPD mother painting me black to my father and to her family. I don't know the best way to deal with her family other than to grieve the loss of what I thought my family was.

My mother's behavior doesn't surprise me. She has a mental disorder which explains it. ( doesn't excuse it but explains it). However, her family- they are intelligent, functional and logical people. If we hear something about someone, logic would prompt us to check out the facts. What surprised me is that they seemed to believe her without even considering that there might be two sides to the story.

Mostly they seem to defend my mother. I have an idea of what she told them- it's all lies. So the dilemma is that, both of us can't be right. If I were to defend myself, I they would have to choose who to believe, and they already believe her. So they would assume I was lying.

I just walked away ( emotionally ) from the whole lot of them. I still have some contact, but it's distant, cordial. On my part, if someone is in my mother's circle, under her "spell" and believes what she tells them,  I just can't trust them.

It's a loss Zachira and it has taken me some time to deal with the grief. There has been lots of tears. I wish I understood it better- how such high functioning and logical people just go along with what she has said about me rather than look at the situation for themselves, but I just don't. Regardless, what has helped is making the emotional distance my choice.

[pursuingJoy]

Zachira, big hugs. I can definitely relate. It's one thing to lose contact with a difficult family member, but losing people you genuinely love BECAUSE of the dysfunction is so hard. I remember how much you appreciate your extended family from your previous posts. Notwendy's right on the money about grief.

I'm not ready to share but I'm going through a season of intensely painful rejection that could result in complete loss of relationship with one of my adult kids, thanks to flying monkeys. I'm afraid too, and each day is a challenge to overcome. These are the things that are helping me these days. I repeat them often.

1. I find my center and inventory what I see, smell, hear, and feel.
2. Feelings aren't facts and things don't always shake out the way I fear they will. I cannot predict the future, nor can I read people's minds.
3. I am worthy - worthy of protection, love, joy, fulfilling companionship, happiness, and investment.
4. This situation won't be what it is forever. It will shift.

Then I ask myself how I live each day as if all of the above is true. I brush my teeth. I am committed to excellence at work. I get 15 minutes of sunshine each day. I maintain relationships with friends. I pay bills on time and eat a healthy meal. I stretch and play with my pets and give myself permission to laugh. And when the grief comes, I cry as long as I need to.

Some seasons you just gotta do the best you can until the storm passes. Hang in there Z. We will get through this.
 

[madeline7]

Hi Zachira,

You know my story, and I am LC with my uBPDm and mostly full contact with my siblings, although there has been times where I have been excluded  by one. I realized that NC with Mom meant NC with everyone, and I would become a self orphan. I just did not want that, esp for my kids. They are adults now and see the toxic family for who they are. They also see that I try and mostly succeed to be kind to others and work hard to be a good person and be a positive role model for them. That has helped me rewrite my story and work hard to prevent my toxic family's behavior become my legacy. I have pulled back from not only family but other dysfunctional relationships in my life. My social circle is much smaller, but the people around me actually like me! It is constant hard work, and a work in progress. But I finally understand that this is my life, and I don't have to get sucked into the sick vortex that is my uBPDm. I still have times when I am distraught by it all, but the good days are more frequent. Keep working at it, and we are always here for you.

[Notwendy]

Here is an example of how the relationship with anyone in my mother's FOO is still affected even though one of them has reached out to me to make contact.

We are planning a visit to BPD mom after not seeing her for a long time due to Covid precautions. So someone in her FOO suggested we all get together. Fine, I can handle that. I have contacted some of them to ask what the plans are- I assume it's pot luck, can I bring something? what would you like me to bring? and no reply.

So what to do? Are they being rude or still under BPD mom's gag order? ( which I know about as someone told me she did that), or do they believe the lies she told them and don't want to speak to me? Or are they just busy.

I have no idea. I plan to just show up with something I made and put it on the table, smile and nod and not get into any drama.

I know when I show up they will all smile and act friendly in the moment but I don't have any expectations.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
So hard to know how certain family members will behave and this is what is so difficult: you don't feel safe because you never know what the next round of mean behaviors could be.
I am learning not to catastrophize so much. The pandemic has been especially hard for me because I have been so isolated and not able to access so many of my usual coping strategies for over a year. Fortunately, my state has just opened up, and I am beginning to be able to do some of the things that help me to not obsess so much over my family's current cruel behaviors or what they might do next which is even worse that what they have done before.
I have learned that some of the people whom I thought were my sister's flying monkeys are not. You never know who is going to finally get it.
I hope you will see some positive changes from at least one of the flying monkeys when you get together with the family.

[zachira]

Thank you all for your replies and kindness. Your stories and advice help.
I am realizing I have several things going on that are making life very challenging for me at the moment:
1) Complex PTSD exasperated by pandemic. Now that my state is opening up, I am starting to be less isolated and able to access more of my usual coping strategies. I have been extremely isolated for the past few months, and this has added to my anxiety and depression, as my sister has chosen this time to go full all out on the war path.
2) Trauma bonding. I am starting to feel less interested in having anything to do with my sister's extended circle of flying monkeys which includes most of the cousins of my generation and long time family acquaintances. These people all have some degree of narcissim operating buying my sister's exagerrated stories that she is so famous and successful,  and I am just a complete loser. My sister has spent her life abusing people that matter to her who do not put her on a pedestal, including her children, husband, me, and many other people. She only wants to be associated with people of certain status. I have had the misfortune of being an unwanted child, one of the chosen scapegoats of my generation, and the younger one of two sisters very close in age. My sister being the oldest I believe was completely devastated when I was born, because she was already severely abused by mom's terrible neglect of her children, and I have always been the main person who detracts from her getting the attention and admiration she so desperately craves. On paper, I do not compare to my sister, not being gifted intellectually, not being a top tier professional, not being wealthy, not being married, and not having children. I do have things though that my sister will never have. I have compassion, empathy, integrity, the ability to grow and change, true friends, and can at times enjoy life to the fullest because I am able to process my anger. My sister stays stuck in her anger and never really looks happy, despite the forced smile on her face. I have a rewarding emotional life most of the time. My sister is a fraud constantly switching between charming people to being on obsessional revenge cycles against the people that mean the most to her who hold her accountable for her cruel behaviors. I love my sister and am sad that she will never love me. I used to be fooled by her love bombing alternated by the most incredibly unprovoked cruel behaviors.
3) I will never be as motivated as my sister to win or to do the unethical things she does to get what she wants. I am standing up for myself and have a good attorney. Whether or not I get some things in the case decided in my favor or not, I am starting to feel that I will be able to handle going no contact with most of my family if that is what I have to do and will be able to grieve my losses whatever they may be. I keep reading other stories of people who just felt so much better once they were no longer in contact with the family members and the flying monkeys who abused them.

[Notwendy]

I am glad your state has opened up some. I think most have and people are venturing out more. The pandemic has been so tough !

Yes you won’t ever be as ruthless as your sister. Thank goodness for that. Regardless of what happens- you will achieve peace with yourself.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Yes, I will never be as ruthless as my sister. Peace is starting to come, though it is slow going.
I know I have already told you how much it has helped me to learn about how your father and mother's relatives have been flying monkeys. I am seeing this so much in my situation and realize part of my healing and not retraumatizing myself is seeing people for who they really are. My BIL, my sister's husband, and my own father are/was a lot like your father. Many of my father's relatives are narcissistic like my sister and enable her.

[Notwendy]

It's so strange to me how her family members blindly obey her.

She's been trying to "patch up" the rift she caused without admitting she caused it. She's been encouraging me to contact her family and I have, but they usually don't reply.

They aren't bad people and to be honest I still cry over the loss of who I thought was my extended family and that due to her bad mouthing me to them, alienated us. Seeing people for who they are is a tough one for them as I think what has happened is that she controls what they think of me, as she's in contact with them not me. What astounds me is that they are grown adults but they just believe her and do her bidding.

As to who she is, I know she's more concerned about how it looks to her family to have this breach than anything about me. She is who she is and I don't have illusions about her.

But I think it's important to acknowledge our feelings and grieve the loss. It is a loss in a way, to see things differently.

[madeline7]

My uBPDm has always attempted to outcast the person wearing the black hat. You always had to take her side or else you too would be shut out. This generally worked until one of my kids became an adult, and saw the manipulation for herself and decided on her own that if grandma wasn't talking to me, she would not talk to grandma. She chose not to reinforce the dysfunctional behavior. This angered my uBPDm, and Mom confronted me and insisted I had put her up to it, stated that I was poisoning my child so that she would not speak to her grandma. It is years past this, and now grandma is very old, yet has not changed her ways. And now my other adult child has gradually pulled away. I am sad to see they don't have the typical relationship and warm feelings towards their only surviving grandparent, yet I am happy that they are strong and healthy and are able to maintain good boundaries, something that has evaded me since I was raised by a pwBPD. The rest of the family is another story; my circle is smaller but healthier and happier. And a few very special chosen family members are a wonderful bonus.

[zachira]

Madeline7 and Notwendy,
It is so heartwarming to me that you have raised healthy children who get who Grandma really is and don't enable her, and most of all you have the support and love of your children. It is heartbreaking to see so many other family members participate in smearing you, incapable of seeing you for the fine people you have become and how you have learned on your own how to be loving mothers. You have both broken the cycle of abuse. I am a little late in the game, and have no children. I have helped many children who are abused. My love in life is now spending time with children, and it is helping children to have a better life than I have had that is so rewarding.
As for your family members that want nothing to do with you. It is their loss. They have chosen the low road out of fear of becoming a scapegoat themselves and fear of having to look at themselves. I have been on a long journey of differentiating myself from my own family members. I have had to take a lot of painful feedback about how I treat others, because the behaviors I had modeled for me in my family only attracted the worst people, and reinforced my poor self esteem and inmaturity.
It seems I am getting more and more detached from wanting the love and respect of my family members and the long time family friends who enable them.

[Notwendy]

Zachira,

I think helping children is something some of us are drawn to- perhaps it's because we have empathy and understanding for them, but also in part because it is in a way "healing" for us to make a difference for them.

The child we help does not have to be a biological child.  I recognize that I have had role models who have made a difference for me that were not my biological parent: my father's relatives, parents of my friends growing up, teachers, other community members.  I have also sometimes filled this role for other children through volunteer and community activities.

If you find your heart in this, go for it.

[madeline7]

Zachira, It really does take a village, and so glad you are a part of it and being a good role model for children. Thank you!

[Notwendy]

So after several attempts to ask "what to bring to the dinner?" - no answer. What is it with these people? They haven't spoken to me in years. I have done nothing to them. They know nothing about me other than what my mother has told them which is a bunch of lies.

The main reason I am probably included is that, I will be driving my mother.  They did say at first they would be glad to see me. But then, no communication since.

It's actually becoming rude. If someone asked me about bringing food to a get together, I would at least say something like "sure, bring a dessert" or sodas, or something...

I'm upset, maybe not so hurt but humiliated upset, because clearly something is going on and I don't have a clue what it is. Even if that something is that they are super busy it doesn't take much to send an email saying "great, we need cookies, thanks" or even "we have it covered see you then"

One of my favorite quotes is Maya Angelou's "when someone shows you who they are--- believe them"

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I hear your frustration about how they are treating you. This is how badly they feel inside always needing a target to take their feelings out on. My family is full of flying monkeys, and being mad at someone all the time, especially ganging up on someone is part of their projection. I spent 100s of hours while growing up listening to family members saying all kinds of untrue things about others, just part of who they are. Once you are the target, difficult to be anything else, as admitting they were wrong about you would bring about unbearable feelings of shame.

[Methuen]

NotWendy,
Your family is treating you badly, especially after saying they would be glad to see you.  Whoever said that may have meant it, but then perhaps someone else poisoned the punch bowl they all drink from, as the saying goes.  

 

I'm upset, maybe not so hurt but humiliated upset, because clearly something is going on and I don't have a clue what it is. Even if that something is that they are super busy it doesn't take much to send an email saying "great, we need cookies, thanks" or even "we have it covered see you then"

This would require that they have healthy relationship skills.  But they don’t.

Years ago I had flights  booked to go my favorite aunt and uncles 40th wedding anniversary.  I also had a special relationship with their 2 daughters - my cousins.  History of family visits every summer etc etc.  For personal and unexpected reasons, I had to cancel at the last minute and I was devastated that I couldn’t go. I explained and sent my sincerest apologies, with gifts etc.  The next time I tried to reach them, they ghosted me.  All of them.  I didn’t understand what was happening at first, so I kept trying, and leaving phone messages.  Nothing.  Eventually I clued in it was intentional.  Frankly, I didn’t have time for that BS, and let it drop.  About 5 years later there was a family funeral.  My aunt who I knew cared for me and had always treated me well, admitted to what was going on.  Since then, decades have gone by and I have seen those cousins a few times.  They act as if nothing ever  happened, but the relationship is different.  It’s superficial, but that doesn’t matter to me, because I have no desire to put energy into relationships with people who behave like that.  So Notwendy, I’m hopeful that you will find a genuine person or two at that function, since someone said they were lookiforward to seeing you.  Apart from your mom, will there be anyone there you trust whom you can spend time with? If not, is there someone you could take along on this event, along with your mom?   Try to have no expectations    Less to be disappointed about that way.  Don’t give them that.

Zachira- I am hoping you are doing a little better, and finding your way back to baseline.  You are such a good person, and have helped so many people both in your career, and on this forum.  You will find your strength to get through this legal strife and family business.  Once it is over, those flying monkeys can have their life, and you can get on with yours without them.  That peace will come.  I look forward to the post one day where you tell us it’s all behind you.    In the meantime, we are hear to listen and support whenever you need us.

[Notwendy]

Methuen,
Your story about cancelling the trip reminded me of why they may be acting that way. We do small family get togethers. They like big ones. They also have a "rule" that you invite all of them. I didn't and kept ours small.

Each time my mother was invited to join us, she'd pressure me to include all her family. If I did, then there'd be pressure to make it more lavish so that it would be "good enough" for them. I finally did comply but no matter what, she'd find something wrong with what I did. ie, serve the wrong brand of drink or something.

I have no way of knowing if this was just her issue, or their issue. Maybe they didn't care, or perhaps they were judging us.

Once my mother shared a story that a relative only invited some of them, and not all of them to some kind of occasion. She said they were so angry that all of them boycotted the event. So there is some kind of "you had better invite all of us to everything" rule.

After my father died, and they stopped speaking to me, I stopped inviting them. My mother was upset about it. Apparently I am still expected to include them, but it didn't make sense to me to do that. This recent get together came about because one of them reached out to me. I assumed BPD mom had smoothed things over, but maybe not.

My mother's extended family has several riffs where family members stopped speaking to each other and broke apart. Seems if they get angry, that is it between them. My mother does that too. I think the one family member who reached out to me is the exception, more soft hearted than the others.

I don't know if this is the reason for their ignoring me or not.

I'll get through it. It's only a couple of hours. I'll smile and nod and not have any expectation.

[Methuen]

Notwendy,

Your story about cancelling the trip reminded me of why they may be acting that way. We do small family get togethers. They like big ones. They also have a "rule" that you invite all of them. I didn't and kept ours small.

This would fit, and could well be the source of the problem.  Then again, with dysfunctional  people, anything could be the source of the problem. In the end it probably doesn’t matter what the source is, because if it wasn’t one thing it would be another. But when I read this paragraph above and their “rules”, there are numerous flags. 

There are many themes in my mothers dysfunctional family, but included are spitefulness, judgement, and a demand for closed and like minded thinking..  I see all of these in your story.

This recent get together came about because one of them reached out to me. I assumed BPD mom had smoothed things over, but maybe not.

I think you will discover what stuff this person is made of, and how much they are willing to feed into the family narrative.  Hopefully they have a mind of their own.  It sounds possible. As for the rest of that lot, there is a risk in the event they decided to welcome you back into that fold.  If they did, how much would you want to belong to their club with its rules and expectations?

My mother's extended family has several riffs where family members stopped speaking to each other and broke apart. Seems if they get angry, that is it between them. My mother does that too. I think the one family member who reached out to me is the exception, more soft hearted than the others.

I can so relate.  Especially with my mother, but her siblings are all cut from the same cloth.  They can’t help it.  They were brutally abused, and developed maladaptive coping mechanisms.  The way I look at it, we are the change agents in that cycle.  Being a change agent is really hard sometimes, takes courage and is sometimes lonely.  But we can do this because we are strong, and we have our own set of values..

I'll get through it. It's only a couple of hours. I'll smile and nod and not have any expectation.

Yes yes.  You’ve got this.  Let us know how it goes.

[Notwendy]

Thanks Methuan,

If they did, how much would you want to belong to their club with its rules and expectations?

Not at all. I did at one point, but then I wasn't fully aware of the dynamics in the family and the extent of it. These are high functioning people. I thought they were "normal" and that my mother was the only one with the kind of issues she has.

I don't think they are aware of the full extent of my mother's impairment as my father covered it up well, and she pulls it together for them in short encounters, but I find it hard to imagine they have no inkling about her According to the older members in my Dad's family, they could tell something was "off" about her when they first met her. However, my mother's family constantly sings her praises. It's like the emperor has no clothes.

Which brings me to another family "rule" and maybe the most concerning one to them. I don't go along with the family rule of pretending. I don't speak about her but I have been honest in the past about what is going on with her. They know I know, and I am pretty sure they know- but choose to act like they don't, and maybe this is the reason they would avoid me. I have made it clear to them that I don't want to discuss her though.

So no, I don't want to be in their "circle" but I guess my least expectation was courteous behavior- please answer my brief messages. If I had my wishes - it would be to have an open, honest, discussion about the whole family and the dynamics- what is really going on here? What have you heard my mother say about me? Can we clear this up? Clarity would be nice, but I also realize it's probably about as possible as seeing flying unicorns.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Dysfunctional families constantly move the goal posts. The ongoing emotional dysregulation is usually the cause, and the reasons for their behaviors usually don't make sense no matter what explanations are given.
On PSI, we get it how much it hurts to be mistreated and not feel safe because you never know what the next round of mistreatment will consist of.
I hope your 2 hours with family goes by fast.

[Goosey]

Compartmentize it.
(Seems that’s not a word or I just cannot spell it. )
But really, try to put it in a box while you do what you to make living or whatever.
Don’t let it consume you.
(Mind you it will anyway. But you’ll come out the other side. And at that point it’s almost embarrassing and comical how played we have been. That’s the oh well whatever the sun still rises in the East moment. )
  It’s all good in the end because we are off the hamster wheel. . 

[Notwendy]

So I decided I had little to lose by being direct and just asked if there was an issue with speaking to me. Not that I expected an honest reply, but just not interested in guessing. So contact was made and we didn't get into it but I get another impression- my mother's FOO seems chaotic. More like they just don't pay attention to things. I've gotten the impression before that getting to them feels like grasping at smoke.

It's interesting from a family pattern perspective but beyond that, I feel better about not taking their actions personally.

[madeline7]

NotWendy
A few times I have been direct with family members, it seems like i am addressing the elephant in the room and they act like there is going to be a "stampede". Even though I know they see the elephant but are just choosing to ignore it; to actually address the elephant is something they are just not comfortable with. And ironically my uBPDm's favorite animal is the elephant, and many times she has said it's because the elephant never forgets. Her not so "passive" aggressive dig at all the wrong doings we have done, or more accurately the things she thinks we have done. Always the victim.

[Notwendy]

Yes, my mother is the constant victim, and her FOO seems to be the supporters. It's a strange dynamic.  I do feel anxious when I am with them, but hopefully I will be able to manage that better and not take the behavior as personally.

[zachira]

Not taking it personally how badly we feel when being mistreated by our dysfunctional family members and their enablers is key. We walk a fine line between not being that bothered when the behaviors aren't that damaging to our well being to really processing how hurt we feel so we can move on, and taking action to protect ourselves if we need to.

[Notwendy]

Yes, not denying it hurts- I have cried a lot over the behavior of these people. There's no denying it's rude and hurtful.


However instead of wondering how I can fix it somehow, more and more, I realize it's not me, it's them and it's not up to me to make it better for them.