My Daughter in law

[not poppie]

My daughter in law has diagnosed BPD.  She has been hospitalized twice since she has been married to my son these almost 10 years.  I am into my 2nd year as a widow.  My son and daughter in law have 3 children.

Throughout the years, she has told horrific stories about things my neighbors did to her and then said the horrors never really happened, plus many made up stories about me, my husband, her parents, her sister, and on and on.  She is very intelligent and can suck people into her lies, other family members and friends.  My son has phoned me and/or come to my home many times when he and the kids have to shut themselves behind locked doors to get away from her episodes or been able to leave to get to a safe place.  It has been a long and hard 10 years on this family.

She has kept the grandchildren from us more times than I can count and usually for many months at a time.  We are in that cycle now and I have been shunned from the family, again, but this time, I am alone without my husband.  I see it when it is happening and she is starting to spin out and I knew this was coming and tried to keep my distance but it is never far enough when she has her mind set on causing drama and upheaval.  

This last episode was so bizarre and nightmarish.  I should have never stood up for myself, as it really caused the escalation of her spin.  I know my son is trying to keep his family together and plays into her episodes to try to keep some peace at their home when it is my turn for his wife to turn on me. My son was in the other room working from home and she started saying things and acting like we were fighting and my son came out of his office and told me "to get out of his #$%ing house" in front the of the 3 grands, over and over as I was trying to leave and the kids were trying to hug me (they must think this is normal by now?).  I did not respond with yelling or cussing back, I was just trying to get out of the house before my son put hands on me because that is how the situation felt.  It was like a nightmare.  It is by far the worst situation I have had with my BP DIL and I know that the escalation and her thinking she can treat me this way stems from the fact I am now alone without my husband.

Please help me with some coping mechanisms.  

Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi not poppie,
First, let's address the idea that since your husband passed your DIL can treat you this way.
Absolutely not, and it's your job to teach her how to treat you.

We teach others how to treat us.

What about your son?  Where does he stand on your DIL acting this way toward you and in front of his kids?
 
b

[not poppie]

Hi B,

My son is trying to keep his family together so when his wife starts spinning out of control, he tries to keep it all together.  He is not the person I raised anymore.  My DIL's mother did the same thing to her husband's family and most of her own family.  She alienated them all and to this day, they do not have contract.  This is what my DIL knows and what she has been trying to do to me and my husband, when he was alive.  I have "put up" with the abuse to try to stay in the kids' lives. 

I just want to be part of my grandchildren's lives. I have put up with a lot of abuse from my DIL and now my son, to try to stay in their lives.  Right now, we have no contact except I can text my oldest grandson but not too much because it can and does cause trouble for him with his stepmother, my DIL.  I've asked for my middle grandson's cell # several times but never get it and my granddaughter is only 7 and does not have a phone.  She had a birthday last Saturday.  Nope, not invited.  I really hate missing these things. 

[Pandan]

Not Poppie,
I can feel your pain. We have guardianship of my 3 year old grandson and have had custody of him off and on throughout his life. We recently had him for a month because his mom (who has BPD) spiraled out of control but we agreed  that she could take him back as long as she was supervised. She moved in with her birth mom and I pray every day that he is being taken care of. Like you, my daughter, has completely cut me off from the grandkids. She blames me for all of her troubles. I am heart sick because my grandson was doing so well when he was staying with us. She will talk to my husband so we still have contact but she won't allow me to see or talk to my grandson. My heart is breaking!

I'm not sure what to say about coping because clearly I am in the same boat. It is so hard to deal with BPD people because they don't think rationally or kindly. And the kids are the ones who get the brunt of it and end up repeating the cycle. I so want to hold my grandson and tell him it will be ok but I know that isn't true. I am crying a lot but also trying to take care of myself. It is so hard to be in this position!
Pandan

[Bluejay12]

Hi Not Poppie,
My heart was breaking for you when I read your post today