Mom makes me so confused

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother has not spoken to me in 3 weeks. My stepdad told me she said that she will never call me and that she is hurt I have not called her. She is upset because I put up a phone boundary even though she was fine with at first. I was going to her house once a week to help her clean and we would talk then. The emotional roller coaster of guilt, shame, sadness and the  fear of the phone ringing and it is her but also the calm and finally quiet but then the pain in my stomach that is constantly there,  it's all so confusing. How can I go no contact when she is 80 years old and her husband has cancer? How can I leave her now when she needs me most? Why didn't I make a stand 30 years ago when I should have? I kind of feel like she is making the choice for me, if she can not or will not call me , why should I call her? I have struggled the last year with trying to face this but sometimes I wish I had just get my head buried in the sand.

[LittleB]

My mother has not spoken to me in 3 weeks. My stepdad told me she said that she will never call me and that she is hurt I have not called her. She is upset because I put up a phone boundary even though she was fine with at first. I was going to her house once a week to help her clean and we would talk then. The emotional roller coaster of guilt, shame, sadness and the  fear of the phone ringing and it is her but also the calm and finally quiet but then the pain in my stomach that is constantly there,  it's all so confusing. How can I go no contact when she is 80 years old and her husband has cancer? How can I leave her now when she needs me most? Why didn't I make a stand 30 years ago when I should have? I kind of feel like she is making the choice for me, if she can not or will not call me , why should I call her? I have struggled the last year with trying to face this but sometimes I wish I had just get my head buried in the sand.

[pursuingJoy]

LittleB, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hear the exhaustion and effort you're putting into this. When it doesn't feel like your hard work is paying off, it just compounds the exhaustion, doesn't it?

pwBPD don't respond well to boundaries. Boundaries make things worse at first. pwBPD get more upset than they were before. They throw curve balls and make things more complicated than they need to be. They struggle and fight and cry. Boundary setting is no fun, at all. 

Meanwhile, it's really common to doubt yourself, question what you're doing, and to feel guilty and genuinely sad. These are all hallmark feelings that we can relate to!

Your phone boundary is a reasonable one. Her negative response doesn't negate that. You will see improvement over time after consistent enforcement. How can you stay consistent? Do you plan to, or do you genuinely feel that no contact is a better choice for you right now?

I also want to validate that it's ok to set boundaries even though she's 80 years old. Many people here are doing it with aging parents.

Big hug. This will eventually be ok. 

[LittleB]

Thank you so much for the reply! I don't know why but it made me cry. I have a loving family who supports me on this which is very helpful, they tell me not to call her. I don't want no contact, I just want the phone calls of yelling, getting mad at me for no reason and  hanging up one me to stop. I don't know if I should just break down and call her or wait for her to call me. I am afraid she will think that she can behave badly but I will always return if I call her. How do I even begin to call her, my brother and sister in law say not to call her and that she is very mad at me. My Aunt told me that she is not mad just very hurt, whatever! Should I write her a letter instead? Do I just wait for her to make the first move, I am afraid she won't but then afraid she will but if I make the first move at least  I'm ready for it. all so confusing but feels good to at least write some of my feelings down, thanks again for the earlier reply!

[pursuingJoy]

I've been hung in this limbo before - who's going to make the next move? Spend your energy on managing your emotions. The more calm you are, the more clarity you'll have about how to proceed. Acknowledge the stress and tension you feel, but remind yourself that the panicked urgency is a feeling, it's not reality. You'll know in your gut if you should reach out because you'll feel some peace about it. Ask yourself what you want.

Breathe through this and stretch your boundary 'muscles.' 

Your aunt and in-laws are both accurate, I'd guess - she's extremely hurt and isn't managing her emotional response to that hurt. We are all responsible for managing our own emotions, and BPD means she isn't equipped with the tools to do that. It is still her responsibility, it's not something you should do for her.

In the spirit of brainstorming, if you're stilling willing to do some cleaning for her, would it work to organize your next response around her needs, or something you handle for her? If it's time for you to go over and help her, perhaps you could reach out and connect with her over that. If she gets upset, that means she isn't ready for contact and you know to take another step back.

You're stronger than you know. I hear it. You're going to get through this.

[LittleB]

Thanks again, lots to think about!