Don't go back, it doesn't get better

[IntoTheWind]

Me and my exGfwBPD started hanging out again. I went in fully prepared with all of my knowledge of her patterns and behaviors, understood her fear of engulfment and her fear of abandonment so I thought I was good. Relying on my understanding of those facts worked for a total of about 2 hours, until we're laughing and cuddling and having the most amazing time and all of a sudden the emotional connection started for me again.

Over the past 3 weeks we must've been on and off about 5 times. Partly because she'd run away if things got too close to "work on herself", and partly because I wanted commitment and she wouldn't give it to me so I'd distance myself.

The time together wasn't great, there was lots of teasing on her side

1. Sent me money and a nice message on Venmo to buy a pizza that I like that night and that she'd come over for a slice. Then she said she'd come over but we shouldn't have sex. Then she said she wouldn't come over because it's a bad idea, and not to be upset about it.
2. Texted me late at night saying she needed cuddles, that she wanted me there (I live practically next door), when I agreed to come over she'd say "no nevermind".
3. Would say things like "between our call last night and you being there for me today, I just feel like..." then "no nevermind I'm being dumb". To lure me into thinking she might come back
4. She asked me if we're ok to talk, or if I was distancing, one night I said I was distancing, this lead to her ghosting me the whole next day because it "caught her off guard", even thought she asked me

The entire time, she was clear with me: "we're single and she's ok with me moving on", I tried to get her to set some ground rules several times, but she refused to even acknowledge it, I told her I loved her and that it hurt to be in such a loose relationship with her whilst I love her - this went on for a while, I just kept holding out. So one night I told her: "I'm going on a first date tomorrow".

She told me she was crushed and absolutely devastated and that she couldn't believe I was doing that. She did recognize the insanity of it, she told me that she knows she has no right or reason to be as upset as she was. I told her that dating other people is the last thing I wanted to do, but if she's not going to give me any form of commitment then she's going to have to accept that I'll be dating other people. She said it's the last thing she wanted me to do too. She said that she "just wanted us to have fun again and wanted to enjoy the simple pleasures of our relationship without any agenda for marriage or wife or kids", I was impressed, finally some kind of communication but it was too late (this is a pattern I've noticed with her, is that she only communicates when it's way too late).

Next day, the day of the date. Radio silence. I text her twice that day, expecting some 'real' communication (I don't know why). Nothing all day, just ghosted. I was going to accept that maybe we could enjoy those simple pleasures and cancel the date.

So, because there was no response, I went ahead with the date and text her again after, something along the lines of "Life doesn't have to be that complicated, the date wasn't great, she didn't understand how good the pasta was like we would - there's something genuinely great about us, and I want to have fun like this with you, not other people".

Her response: "You took her to <Restaurant Name>? Those are OUR memories, that's OUR place." and that I'd "betrayed her".

I got frustrated with her and told her she's missing the important parts of the message, and that they still are our memories and it was our place until she broke up with me.

Anyway, this resulted in an argument where she said she was "fed up with my bull****", that I'd "lead on that poor girl on a date" (the girl also wasn't ready for a relationship, I confirmed that with her beforehand), that she stands by the fact that I'm trying to "replace her" and wouldn't have gone on a date if that wasn't the case. I tried to explain she she is irreplaceable to me but won't give me what I need.

I was so frustrated that I broke my egg-shell conditioning, I was able to give her some home truths before it ended, I told her to start taking personal responsibility for her actions and to learn to let things roll off her back. I did also say I'm going to have to block her for my own sanity. She was extremely mad that I said she was being dramatic about the venue, and that she can't act like a victim for me moving on in a situation she created.

This activated her "so you have chosen death" card.

I cooled down again after a bit, and reached out a couple of platforms explaining that I did value our friendship, but I was immediately blocked everywhere I tried to communicate that. So now I'm blocked everywhere.

Long story short, I was toyed with, got told to move on, started to move on, got berated for moving on, had a mini outburst and was then blocked everywhere for "betraying" her, trying to "replace her" and breaking the foundation for having a mutual and respectful relationship. Great!

I felt bad for about 1 day, feel good again now, what a whirlwind.

I'm pretty happy with the experience overall, it confirmed a couple of things for me that I would've wondered about if I didn't give it a shot:

1. The knowledge of bpd helped me predict when she was going to leave, but it did not help with the pain
2. I really was dealing with craziness the first time around

[EZEarache]

So, because there was no response, I went ahead with the date and text her again after, something along the lines of "Life doesn't have to be that complicated, the date wasn't great, she didn't understand how good the pasta was like we would - there's something genuinely great about us, and I want to have fun like this with you, not other people".

Her response: "You took her to <Restaurant Name>? Those are OUR memories, that's OUR place." and that I'd "betrayed her".

I got frustrated with her and told her she's missing the important parts of the message, and that they still are our memories and it was our place until she broke up with me.

Yeah, the most confusing/sucky thing about BPD is that, you're in a situation that you know will likely cause some drama. You prepare yourself for the said, drama. You may stay awake at night contemplating every angle that the drama will come from and prepare for a validating response to mitigate it.  Then, when the drama finally hits, it usually is in relation to some topic that you never foresaw.

[B53]

“A topic you never foresaw” Amen! I gave it one last try and failed miserably too. Like you, it confirmed that it would never work. It was something I needed to know, so I didn’t spend the rest of my life wondering. Unfortunately I would be much further along in the recovery process, if I hadn’t.