I messed up.

[YW2902]

Hi,

First post here, will probably go into more detail on later threads but to cut a long story short I’m 7 weeks out of a nearly 3 year relationship with an undiagnosed BPD ex.

First two weeks after final discard were terrible. Couldn’t eat or do anything other than think of her/the relationship. Managed to start eating again and get back to the gym but not much else. I decided to block her straight away and go NC which I stuck to with no real urges. Decided to check her social media 3 days ago (bad mistake), there wasn’t anything bad to see per se, but I noticed on her latest photo she had a song playing in the background that I introduced her to (a unique song, not a coincidence). Also noticed in the background she still had the massive teddy I got her for valentines and even my dressing gown still hung up on the door. This obviously messed with my head, I decided to unblock her number and she hadn’t even blocked me. In previous discards she had blocked me everywhere possible. This got me thinking about previous discards, in a couple of them she had said she was scared to reach out to me because she thought it was over but was extremely sorry and grateful for another chance. So decided to message her saying hi and asking how she was, she read it but didn’t reply. Not really expecting a reply at all now, it’s been about 4 hours. She hadn’t been on WhatsApp for over a day until I messaged, now she’s been online 4/5 times since. Another thing is that during a discard if she hadn’t blocked me and I messaged she would then block me, this time she hasn’t. Really messed with my head, can’t stop thinking about it and got serious anxiety.

What’s your thoughts?

[IntoTheWind]

I understand the feeling after the discard, it's brutal. I've been discarded a few times now, and I've gotten used to it (sad), but understanding that this _is part of them_ helped me view my relationship with her in a very different way. You have to accept that the discard and 2 weeks NC is just a "normal" part of your relationship with this person. If she does reply, it will happen again. Kill the idea that the relationship with her will ever be "normal", and ask yourself if coping with these cycles is something you want. For me, I actually get a bit of joy out of the emotional rollercoaster, and have a fast recovery time from the discards so I'd probably go for it in a few weeks if my ex unblocked me, the intensity is quite fun but I get that this isn't most people's idea of "fun", if you take the things they do/say to heart it can be very damaging actually, especially if you have children, live together or are married.

Whether or not if she'll respond really depends how she's feeling in the current moment, and how her balance between her fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment is right now. I think it's likely that she will reach out to you at some point. I'd probably assume she will, and start figuring out how not to get too attached to her and learn about bpd traits beforehand, if you do get attached, remember -it will happen all over again-.

The brutal discards make you start questioning yourself ie. "was it real?", "does she really not love me?". After the first discard I experienced, I was looking for validation that she really did not think I was worthless, I confirmed with my ex that she thought about me a LOT while we were broken up, and got a decent amount of validation for that. Now I'm painted black again (partly intentionally as it was getting too much) and the only thing that bothers me is that she might actually be gone forever so there's no possibility of even being friends.

[HealingTee]

Hi YW2902,

I been there and I know exactly what you’re going through. As hard as it is, you must stay in full NC for the sake of your emotional healing and recovery. Full NC also includes never checking their social media. When I checked my BPD ex’s social media after our breakup, it really messed me up emotionally and set me back on all the progress I made with healing and moving on. I learned my lesson the hard way and now I have my ex blocked on all social media and have not checked his page in months.

7 weeks out of a 3 year relationship is still pretty fresh. I can imagine that looking at your ex’s page during this time would bring back up a lot of strong emotions. The fact that she has not replied to your message could be for a number of reasons. For a person with BPD, hearing from an ex could trigger fears of abandonment or enmeshment. With these irrational fears, you never really know how a person with BPD will react, some will just simply ignore/avoid the message while others will go as far as to call the cops and report being harassed.

Just like what the last commenter said, you may hear from her eventually again. Most (not all) BPD ex’s will eventually try to charm you back. My advice is to not worry or be anxious about the message you sent her. Just go back into full NC and work on healing yourself.

Best wishes to you!