Finding support while divorcing wife with BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I came across the site when reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells."

I'm a 30-year-old woman, and I am divorcing my BPD wife of 2 years. We were together for a total of 8 years. She was diagnosed with BPD in 2015. The night she was diagnosed with BPD at a mental health facility, we had broken up amicably (or so I thought) and an hour later, she was in the bathroom pulling her hair out, harming herself, and threatening to kill herself if I left. I took her to get help, but she rejected the BPD diagnosis, and got very angry at the doctors she said "didn't know what they were talking about."

Cut to 6 years later. Things got better, lots of love bombing, etc. Things evened out for a few years. We got married. We left our home city and moved to the coast.

This April, I realized our relationship was over when I woke up on a Saturday morning and found my wife smoking weed, ten minutes before our landlord was scheduled to arrive. I asked her to stop as weed wasn't allowed in our apartment, and she started yelling at me. She swore at me, called me names and yelled, "Why the F__ am I with you?" I took space and went for a walk. Later, I came back calmly and explained how her behaviour hurt me. She did not take me seriously. She mocked me for crying. She said I was like " a dog with a bone." She said I was "enjoying being the victim." Over the next few days, she bought me gifts and tossed them to me while making jokes about this being a part of the apology tour. By Monday, I was emotionally exhausted and deeply sad. I texted her asking her to spend the next two nights with friends. I was angry, and I said I wanted a trial separation.

That was back at the beginning of April.

Initially, my wife was angry. Then, we got to a place where we both agreed we wanted an amicable, peaceful divorce. We both agreed we wanted to be friends in the future. At first, she respected my boundaries. We agreed I would stay in the apartment while she stayed with friends. Then, she began texting me every day. Sometimes I would get home and realize she had been in the apartment without my consent. When I would gently but firmly hold tight to my boundaries, reminding her this was my apartment as per our agreement, she would react with anger.

Less than two weeks after we agreed on an amicable divorce, she came by for some clothes. She was angry. She called me an abuser. She said she was keeping all 3 of our pets because I "couldn't be trusted to take care of animals and everyone agrees." She threw my abusive childhood in my face. I should note that I am in weekly therapy to address my abusive childhood. My therapist is happy with the work I've done. I was never abusive to my spouse. Suddenly, the end of our marriage was my entirely fault and "everyone agreed." She started showing up at the apartment with two other people to catch me off guard. Her behaviour became unpredictable and intimidating.

One of our 2 dogs was my emotional support dog. My spouse agreed that he should live with me and I should have him registered as an ESA. This was back when we were still amicable in the first weeks of the separation.

At the end of April 2021, I was in the shower, getting ready to take my ESA for a walk, when my spouse banged on the bathroom door. She'd come into the apartment without my knowledge or consent. She brought two people with her. She reached into the bathroom, took the dog, and locked me in, all the while screaming at me about how this was her dog. The two people she brought were larger and stronger than I was. They held the dog on the balcony out of reach and refused to return him. I was in a towel and distraught. I phoned the police but they said it was a civil matter.

 I was so traumatized by my former wife's violent behaviour that I stopped sleeping. I had suicidal thoughts. I lost 30 pounds. I miss my emotional support animal. I have flashbacks to the day she broke in. I can't shower without having anxiety and feeling unsafe.

We had just moved to a new city a year prior to our separation. I knew no one out there and was completely isolated. I worry that I started to accept BPD behaviour that wasn't normal. (For instance, last summer, my wife pretended to have psychically  'channeled' my late grandmother.  I was hurt by this. It felt so disrespectful. When I said I was hurt, my wife turned the blame on me and told me I was cruel for not believing her.)

After my wife broke into the apartment and stole my dog in April, I packed up just what would fit in my car, left town, and drove across the country during a pandemic. I was concerned for my safety.

I hired a family lawyer who filed a petition for divorce and a motion to have my ESA returned to me. My lawyer believes we have a strong case based on the fact that this is my emotional support animal, and we can prove to the court that the dog belongs to me. Also, my former wife already has our other 2 animals.

We have no assets to speak of. The only issue to litigate over is my dog.

Does anyone have any advice for divorcing someone with BPD? Has anyone experienced anything similar? The sudden shift in my former wife from wanting an amicable divorce to breaking into my apartment and stealing my dog is jarring and hard to wrap my head around.

I struggle with deep feelings of shame and guilt. I lived with her BPD for so long, and was so isolated in the new city for the last year, that I began to believe what she was saying––– that all the issues in our relationship were my fault, that I was lucky she stayed with me, that I had so much work I had to do to fix the problems of our relationship, how I was an abuser, too controlling, too critical, etc.

I've been out of this relationship for 3 months and I already feel so much better. My insomnia is gone, I have self-esteem again, I'm productive again. I have an apartment and a job and a wide network of friends. I can't believe I used to live like that.

I'm looking for some community to feel less alone.

Thank you, everyone, for listening. Any advice would be appreciated in terms of how to divorce someone with BPD or heal in the wake of a BPD relationship.

Wishing you all healing.

[shopgirl26]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I came across the site when reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells."

I'm a 30-year-old woman, and I am divorcing my BPD wife of 2 years. We were together for a total of 8 years. She was diagnosed with BPD in 2015. The night she was diagnosed with BPD at a mental health facility, we had broken up amicably (or so I thought) and an hour later, she was in the bathroom pulling her hair out, harming herself, and threatening to kill herself if I left. I took her to get help, but she rejected the BPD diagnosis, and got very angry at the doctors she said "didn't know what they were talking about."

Cut to 6 years later. Things got better, lots of love bombing, etc. Things evened out for a few years. We got married. We left our home city and moved to the coast.

This April, I realized our relationship was over when I woke up on a Saturday morning and found my wife smoking weed, ten minutes before our landlord was scheduled to arrive. I asked her to stop as weed wasn't allowed in our apartment, and she started yelling at me. She swore at me, called me names and yelled, "Why the F__ am I with you?" I took space and went for a walk. Later, I came back calmly and explained how her behaviour hurt me. She did not take me seriously. She mocked me for crying. She said I was like " a dog with a bone." She said I was "enjoying being the victim." Over the next few days, she bought me gifts and tossed them to me while making jokes about this being a part of the apology tour. By Monday, I was emotionally exhausted and deeply sad. I texted her asking her to spend the next two nights with friends. I was angry, and I said I wanted a trial separation.

That was back at the beginning of April.

Initially, my wife was angry. Then, we got to a place where we both agreed we wanted an amicable, peaceful divorce. We both agreed we wanted to be friends in the future. At first, she respected my boundaries. We agreed I would stay in the apartment while she stayed with friends. Then, she began texting me every day. Sometimes I would get home and realize she had been in the apartment without my consent. When I would gently but firmly hold tight to my boundaries, reminding her this was my apartment as per our agreement, she would react with anger.

Less than two weeks after we agreed on an amicable divorce, she came by for some clothes. She was angry. She called me an abuser. She said she was keeping all 3 of our pets because I "couldn't be trusted to take care of animals and everyone agrees." She threw my abusive childhood in my face. I should note that I am in weekly therapy to address my abusive childhood. My therapist is happy with the work I've done. I was never abusive to my spouse. Suddenly, the end of our marriage was my entirely fault and "everyone agreed." She started showing up at the apartment with two other people to catch me off guard. Her behaviour became unpredictable and intimidating.

One of our 2 dogs was my emotional support dog. My spouse agreed that he should live with me and I should have him registered as an ESA. This was back when we were still amicable in the first weeks of the separation.

At the end of April 2021, I was in the shower, getting ready to take my ESA for a walk, when my spouse banged on the bathroom door. She'd come into the apartment without my knowledge or consent. She brought two people with her. She reached into the bathroom, took the dog, and locked me in, all the while screaming at me about how this was her dog. The two people she brought were larger and stronger than I was. They held the dog on the balcony out of reach and refused to return him. I was in a towel and distraught. I phoned the police but they said it was a civil matter.

 I was so traumatized by my former wife's violent behaviour that I stopped sleeping. I had suicidal thoughts. I lost 30 pounds. I miss my emotional support animal. I have flashbacks to the day she broke in. I can't shower without having anxiety and feeling unsafe.

We had just moved to a new city a year prior to our separation. I knew no one out there and was completely isolated. I worry that I started to accept BPD behaviour that wasn't normal. (For instance, last summer, my wife pretended to have psychically  'channeled' my late grandmother.  I was hurt by this. It felt so disrespectful. When I said I was hurt, my wife turned the blame on me and told me I was cruel for not believing her.)

After my wife broke into the apartment and stole my dog in April, I packed up just what would fit in my car, left town, and drove across the country during a pandemic. I was concerned for my safety.

I hired a family lawyer who filed a petition for divorce and a motion to have my ESA returned to me. My lawyer believes we have a strong case based on the fact that this is my emotional support animal, and we can prove to the court that the dog belongs to me. Also, my former wife already has our other 2 animals.

We have no assets to speak of. The only issue to litigate over is my dog.

Does anyone have any advice for divorcing someone with BPD? Has anyone experienced anything similar? The sudden shift in my former wife from wanting an amicable divorce to breaking into my apartment and stealing my dog is jarring and hard to wrap my head around.

I struggle with deep feelings of shame and guilt. I lived with her BPD for so long, and was so isolated in the new city for the last year, that I began to believe what she was saying––– that all the issues in our relationship were my fault, that I was lucky she stayed with me, that I had so much work I had to do to fix the problems of our relationship, how I was an abuser, too controlling, too critical, etc.

I've been out of this relationship for 3 months and I already feel so much better. My insomnia is gone, I have self-esteem again, I'm productive again. I have an apartment and a job and a wide network of friends. I can't believe I used to live like that.

I'm looking for some community to feel less alone.

Thank you, everyone, for listening. Any advice would be appreciated in terms of how to divorce someone with BPD or heal in the wake of a BPD relationship.

Wishing you all healing.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome.
You will find a community, though we are anonymous and somewhat remote, that has helped many to regain their composure as they struggle to come to grips with all the complexities of life with a person with BPD (pwBPD).  We've been there, done that.

There is a wealth of experience available here, by reading past threads, by gaining education and skills, and by picking our collective brains for what strategy usually works and what usually doesn't work.

The good aspects to reduce the complications in the divorce are that there are no shared children, a relatively short marriage, minimal assets and hopefully minimal family debts.

It may take longer due to the distance apart.  Your lawyer can advise about that.

Yes, you want your ESA dog back.  Since she knows that she may try to use that against you in any settlement conferences.  Time will tell how that goes.

Very important, don't tell her you may have felt suicidal during your time with her.  That is categorized as TMI — too much information — in divorce you must be careful about what you share since you never can be sure what could be claimed against you.

Even if she knows, don't worry overmuch, just be careful that you explain it (following lawyer's advice on when and how) as situational feelings.

[Sluggo]

Shopgirl26...

that all the issues in our relationship were my fault, that I was lucky she stayed with me, that I had so much work I had to do to fix the problems of our relationship, how I was an abuser, too controlling, too critical, etc.

So sorry you have gone through what you have.  Welcome to the board. 

The Last therapist we went to my exbpd wife and I went 2 three hour sessions a week.  The first 4 weeks we spent time going through her past hurts with me and focused on what I did to contribute to our failed marriage.  I was teachable and did each thing that was asked of me.   My exbpd wife was in the best mood I had seen her in in a long time.  She told others that all the problems were mine and I almost believed it to . 

Then the therapist said after about a month...  ok we have spent time with Sluggo and his contribution and he has done extremely hard work, now it is time to start work on what you have contributed.  Exwife immediately got defensive and told her all problems were mine and within about 2 min she went into a full throttle rage.  The therapist kicked her out of the session.  It was the first time she understood what really was happening.  Therapist seemed frightened and gave me an  escape plan if that happened at home (it did quite often).  We went back next session and wife got kicked out 3 more times until wife accused her of stealing and filed a complaint to our insurance saying she was over billing them. She stopped going to sessions. 

I left about 3 months later. 

Hang in there.  Our kids were used as pawns in divorce. . It was awful .  I did not get 50/50 custody.  Once divorce was over 3 months later, she gave all parental rights and custody over to me.  Kids were just a tool as she knew they are so important to me. 

Sluggo

[shopgirl26]

Hi

Thanks so much for your kind words. It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this.

I sat up last night reading threads and sobbing. I'm so sorry for everything everyone here has gone through at the hands of their BPD exes, but I'm so glad we can talk to each other because feeling isolated in this experience is what hurts the most.

SLUGGO: I completely relate to your experience in therapy. My wife would agree to go, and would find and book the therapist, but the minute we got in the office, she would get angry and raise her voice at me and sling accusation after accusation at me until the therapist cut her off and said, "this isn't productive." Often the sessions were overtaken by her anger and there wasn't space for me to speak to my needs or feelings. Obviously, marriage counselling didn't work. We tried 3 different therapists. Sometimes my wife would be angry like this, and sometimes she would be sweet as pie, speaking in a gentle voice, and almost performing a perfect marriage for the therapist. This was just as discouraging for me, because a therapist can't help if you're not honest.

A few hours after she broke in and stole my ESA, she sent me a hateful email that pains me to even remember. It was a wall of words rehashing an argument we had 3 years ago (that we'd addressed in therapy countless times before.) She called me an abuser, said she never wanted to be friends, blamed me for her substance abuse issues ("you want me to stop smoking and be present, but I can't be present because then I'll have to face how angry I am at you") and she blamed me for her lack of progress with her own therapist, saying that she lied and hid things from her therapist because she knew if she told the therapist the truth, the therapist would tell her to leave me. Obviously, these were all my wife's choices. They weren't my fault, but I still carry guilt because I was told for so long that all the problems in the marriage were because of me.

Tell me if you relate to these lines. "I wouldn't get so angry if you didn't ____."
"If you didn't make me this mad, I wouldn't ____." "I only swore at you and called you ____ because of what you said to me." "What about that fight we had 2 years ago where you said ----?"

It was an endless circle.

UPDATE ON THE COURT CASE

While my lawyers filed with the court on an urgent basis, seeking a speedy hearing, (due to the medical piece and the harm caused to my mental health in losing my ESA) unfortunately, due to the backlog of cases due to covid, the court will not address my case on an urgent basis. The soonest they can address it is end of August. I'm trying to hang in there in the meantime, be patient, get regular therapy (2 sessions this week) and let things run their course.

My wife will be served at her work early next week. I am worried about her retaliating. She will receive the documents and be enraged, at work, in front of clients and her boss. I would have preferred to have her served at home but I don't have her current address.

I have blocked her on all social media, blocked her number, and rerouted her email to a specific folder. I'm still scared she will send me hate mail. The police told me that if she continues to  contact me after being told not to by police, that I have grounds for a harassment case. She has already emailed me once in May after being told not to by police. I don't want to go the route of the harassment case, especially because I left the city and she doesn't know where I am, but we all know BPD rage and how far they'll go when they feel they are losing.

FOREVER DAD: Thanks for your message. No, to your question, she does not know I was suicidal in the days after she broke in. In my court filings, I have doctor's notes saying that I am being treated for anxiety and depression, for which an ESA has been helpful and is recommended to continue.

Apparently, under Canadian family law, a judge will not look kindly on the fact that my wife broke in AFTER the date of separation. There is an expectation of privacy and respect following a separation, so I can only hope that she has dug herself into a hole with her actions and lost credibility in the eyes of the judge.

I also do not expect her to cooperate and respond within the deadline after being served. Does anyone have any tips on what to do if a BPD ex drags their feet in court proceedings? How wild should I be prepared for things to get?

I'll let you know how it goes.

[Ventak]

Shopgirl, so sorry you are going through this very painful time.  I guarantee it will get better over time as you recover.  So glad you are seeing your therapist twice a week!

There is a book called "Splitting" which is full of amazing advice on separation/divorce from a pwBPD.  It is written by one of the co-authors of the "Walking on Eggshells" series.  I highly recommend you read through at least the first 3-4 chapters.

I have seen situations like this on courtroom television here in the states, that do not work out well for the person who lost their dog in those situations.  Is your BPDex the type that would sell the dog just to hurt you?  Unfortunately the "law" and "justice" aren't always compatible...  I hope and pray this works in your favor.  My BPDw has an ESA, and I've seen up close just what a godsend they can be.

[shopgirl26]

Ventak: Thanks for your kind words. I just picked up a copy of Splitting today. I'm looking forward to reading it. I've been listening to a lot of Bill Eddy's interviews on how to divorce high conflict personalities.

My lawyers believe because there are 2 dogs, and 1 belonged to each of us, and because 1 is my ESA, I have a strong case. She already has the other dog and the cat. Also because of the way he was taken from me through intimidation after the date of separation. They believe this won't be looked on kindly by a family law judge.

My BPD ex has been making this a nightmare and has already established a pattern of disrespect for the legal system–– leaving angry voicemails on my lawyer's answering machine, sending them emails in which she threatened to toss sensitive financial documents onto the street "for all the world to see" my "social insurance number" and threatening to throw out a photo of my late grandfather. She let the date to respond to the settlement letter fly by, sending pissy emails to my lawyer saying she and her lawyer would respond soon. Then, she ended up representing herself.

It's going to be a long haul but I submitted a sworn affidavit with 12 pieces of supporting evidence -- notes from my doctor, therapist, text messages from after the split where my BPD ex said the dog could live with me, texts where I told her I was registering him as an ESA and she enthusiastically supported it.

I'm staying hopeful. I have to hope that all this bad behaviour will bite her on the ass. Once she disrespects a court order to disclose information, or loses credibility lying during cross examination by my lawyer, I think I might have a shot.

My BPD ex has always had a complex where she believes she can take better care of an animal than anyone on earth so that is what her snatching the dog back was about.

[Ventak]

Wishing you the best!  Please keep us updated, and lean on us when you need friends

Unfortunately my son (2.5) was throwing a tantrum when we said our nightly prayer, so you only got my daughter (also 2.5) and I.. hope it's enough.

[ForeverDad]

There's a saying I found here and I've repeated many times...

The person behaving poorly seldom faces consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.

Many here were surprised that courts can ignore much of what we feel is compelling, even urgent, documentation.  Partly it's because courts assume divorcing couple are prone to bickering and expect the conflict will fade later on.  The problem may be that the court doesn't know which cases are intractable and stuck in dysfunctional conflict until much, much later.  Hopefully your ESA dog's plight will get the court's attention sooner.

[shopgirl26]

Thank you, Ventak and ForeverDad.

Update! I have a preliminary court hearing at the end of August. This isn't the full hearing over the dog, but an appointment with a judge to see what else we need before the actual hearing. I imagine my BPD ex will make it difficult and we'll have to get court orders to force her to comply.

Today has been really really hard. I feel so alone so I appreciate all of your kindness.

I feel like I'm falling apart. The further out I get from this relationship, the more f---d I realize it was, and the more PTSD I feel. I am going to need so much therapy.

I'm curious–– has anyone's ex with BPD lashed out after being served with papers? We haven't had contact since April. But because she's getting served at work, ideally Monday, I'm afraid that rage will kick in.

Any advice for what to do if it does?

If she refuses to disclose her income, my lawyer said we can go after the payroll from her work to prove how much she earns. She would hate that because work is so important to her. My lawyer said this *might* back her into a settlement if she wants to keep her work out of the messiness. But who knows?

It's just such a mindf---k when the aggressor is accusing you of being abusive. It's pur projection. She will see my serving her at work as some act of hostility and manipulation rather than a practical thing that needs doing for us to get divorced.

There is a paper trail of her abusing me since the separation. She even sent me a hateful email admitting to breaking in and stealing the dog, but it still feels like an uphill battle to prove it to a judge.

[Goosey]

So sorry you went through the wringer.
  I can relate to the fear for your safety. It’s so scary. I recall asking my business partner if I should just get the pets and my 20 year old daughter in the truck and flee to the west coast and he said absolutely rational just go. I recall going into the house to tell my daughter we were leaving the area and she just looked at me like I was nuts (which I was at the time). She said there was no where to hide from her we just have to stand our ground.
   My best advise is to realize your dealing with someone who is just raw emotion and in real pain. They seem to be unable to have any realization the pain and turmoil they are causing. It’s all about Their feelings. We are always to blame. No contact is the only way I got a grasp on reality and I stick with it to this day. I will respond measurably to emails but i gave up on verbal communication pretty much totally.
   I miss my wife (ex in a couple weeks) terribly sometimes. I can’t hate her. I feel awful for her. But I can’t fix her. I wish there was a magic pill. Just an awful mental condition.
    Take care. Be safe. It does get better.
  

[Goosey]

The first time I had papers served my wife went ballistic. She called my lawyer and demanded I withdraw them. She went to the county court house and demanded they cancel them. She blew me up so badly I panicked and had them withdrawn. My lawyer even understood my fear at that point.
   In the long run my wife demanded I restart the divorce six months later. But to this day I get told I am such a horrible person for leaving her in her condition. That guilts me so badly.
   But how can you support someone who is attacking you in all possible ways? 
    Don’t worry about your sanity. It’s natural to be rattled.

[shopgirl26]

Thanks Goosey.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and what you went through with your ex wife.

I've gone no contact. It's the only thing to do. As far as I'm concerned, I will never speak to her again. She can go through my lawyers only.

I said to my therapist today that after 8 years of being told I was the problem, an abuser, being painted as this monster, I was brainwashed into believing it. What if I am and I don't know it? She used my abusive childhood against me all the time because she knew how I was so afraid and determined not to continue the cycle.

It's so good to know I'm not alone. It know it's all because of BPD. But after my wife was diagnosed, she said the doctors were full of it, and we never addressed the diagnosis again. For six years. In the meantime, she started blaming me for everything, and I started believing it all.

I think what screws me up is the number of people she's got believing this stuff. She talked 2 people into breaking in with her. They were my friends too. Her family believes this story she's telling them. That hurts too. I was so close with them.

It makes me so sad. She was my first relationship, my wife. I wanted to be friends with her so badly. Initially she wanted that too. The issues in our marriage wouldn't have affected me if we were just friends, but I agree, friendship with a BPD ex just isn't possible.

How long did it take you to stop believing the story you were told about being the sole problem in the relationship? I know it's a process. I guess before today, I didn't realize how deep my belief ran. When someone says they know you better than anyone, it makes it easy to believe the lovebombing, but just as easy to believe the devaluing too.

[Goosey]

   I occasionally wonder what I could have done to better help her. I didn’t understand what I (she) was dealing with and in hindsight my reactions to her rages and bizarre actions were not helpful. I feel guilt for that.
   As for regaining some self worth it’s been a long slow process.
 I manage to go through life without any big drama so that assured me I can’t possibly be the monster she made me out as. All the things that where always such a problem are gone. I paid of all the crazy debt I got left with. I pay the bills on time.  My daughter is back in college. 
   I think it’s gonna take a long time to feel free. But I did hear that song “free to do what I want any old time” and I kinda chuckled. I am free, free of the insanity of it.
    My hurdle now is to get my married friends to stop trying to get me A partner haha. I humorously decline but they have no idea how scarring  these relationships are. 
   I just went no contact and basically did nothing to react and out of the blue she proposed a fair distribution and voila the divorce should be final in a couple weeks.
  Think she just got bored with poking me because I just would react to it anymore.

[Goosey]

It gets easier!
It really does! 
Just know that!
Many of us have been there were the pain is torturous. I spent years in constant depression and practical incapacitated with sorrow and guilt. No idea how I got better but I guess it’s just the passing of time.
Hang in there. Give yourself a break. We are only human.

[shopgirl26]

Goosey, I'm happy to hear that you're in a place where you're feeling free. I hope to get there one day.

I have days when I'm in the park with friends or sitting at home writing and listening to music where I am just so happy to be by myself. Oh my God, the relief! There's no one here to fight with! I still can't get over the fact that when I come home, there's no one miserable and stoned and critical of me, telling me I'm the problem. I can't believe I get to enjoy time with my friends and stay as long as I want without someone texting me a million times insisting I come home, or being rude to my friends and pushing me out the door. Oh my God, I'm free!

I hope for the outcome you had in your divorce! Maybe the more months that pass, she will get bored and decide a $5,000 pay-to-play in legal bills, a mountain of paperwork, and having to finally file her taxes is too much trouble and she will settle out of court.

[Ventak]

I have found reading through other posts in these forums really helps me understand that it wasn't me.  Once you see that 20th post that you could have written verbatim.. once you see your pwBPD's patterns for the 100th time.. you realize that you are not the only person in the universe that suffered through this.. the self-doubt.. the angst at not being able to help a person you love so much..

I read something recently that may help.  They said essentially that sometime in the future you will have half a day where you don't think of your BPDw.  Then there will be some days you always do, but eventually there will be another half day.  Following that you will have two days in a row where there was that half day of complete peace...  Until eventually it turns into a full day.. then two full days in a row.. then a full week... etc...  Thinking of that progression in small steps instead of trying to envision complete peace all the time really struck home to me.

[shopgirl26]

UPDATE:

My BPD ex is being served today! (I posted that in another thread too but I wanted to update this board too.)

I got the email from my L this morning, requesting photos for the baliff to serve her.


She is being served at work. She will not like this. Work is very important to her. But I didn't have her home address.


I am relieved things are finally moving but I am stressed. I have no idea what she will do. Depends what mood she's in today. She might dodge being served, freak out and send me hateful emails, hire an attorney, or do nothing at all and not take it seriously. Or she might be calm and respond in a professional way (least likely but who knows?)

I have called around to a few more attorneys and they all seem confident I have a strong enough case to get the dog back. So we will see.

Keep me in your thoughts today.

[Ventak]

Praying for you and your furbaby...  Let us know how it goes, we are here for you.

[shopgirl26]

Thank you, Ventak. I am so glad I found this group. I so appreciate the support.

The serving has been bumped to Monday. It better happen then. It's been a month already. I'm losing my mind.

[Ventak]

The serving has been bumped to Monday. It better happen then. It's been a month already. I'm losing my mind.

That has to be beyond frustrating!  Try to take care of yourself this weekend...

[shopgirl26]

Hi Ventak,

Thanks. I took good care of myself this weekend. I slept and ate well and focussed on letting go of the urge to manage my ex's emotions. I am responsible for my feelings and reactions. She is responsible for hers.

I'm still struggling with feeling guilty for having her served at work, but I remind myself to work on letting go of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and that I didn't have a choice. We are here because of my BPD ex's unilateral choices and behaviour.

No news from L yet today.

[Ventak]

Hi Ventak,

Thanks. I took good care of myself this weekend. I slept and ate well and focussed on letting go of the urge to manage my ex's emotions. I am responsible for my feelings and reactions. She is responsible for hers.

I'm still struggling with feeling guilty for having her served at work, but I remind myself to work on letting go of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and that I didn't have a choice. We are here because of my BPD ex's unilateral choices and behaviour.

No news from L yet today.

Keeping fingers crossed!  Thanks for the update.

Sounds like you are getting into a much better place, I admire the work you have done so far.

[shopgirl26]

SHE HAS BEEN SERVED!

I'm not sure if it happened today or yesterday, but just got the email from my lawyer. Things are rolling. Fingers crossed!

[Ventak]

Congratulations!  Praying for you and your pup.

[shopgirl26]

She was served at her home on Monday, July 12th. Not sure how the court got her address, but I'll take it.

I've been struggling to free myself from this narrative of hers that I'm the abuser. I know she sees being served and going for the return of the dog as abusive. I know it's not. I know I have a right to advocate for my own needs, but I subscribed to this narrative, this false reality, for so many years, it's going to take me a while to shake off.

Bracing myself for all kinds of wild behaviour and character assasination as this gets going.

[Goosey]

Prepare for the worst. Hope for the best.
I know this is hard. We all do.

[jaded7]

You are so lucky to have found this community. I found it over a year ago now, after a horrific breakup, massive confusion, gaslighting and yelling...you know the routine by now after reading all of those threads.

You seem like a very thoughtful and considerate person, as a stranger reading from the outside. In fact, you remind me of myself as I first came to these boards wondering what the heck was going on. I too was blamed for all the 'things', I too was accused of things I didn't do, etc.

Just want to to say welcome, and I hope you find some healing. I still come here when I'm feeling bad- which unfortunately still continues due to the confusion resulting from the accusations and bizarre lying. My therapist calls in introjection- I started to believe the things she told me about myself, very bad things.

Tell me if you relate to these lines. "I wouldn't get so angry if you didn't ____."
"If you didn't make me this mad, I wouldn't ____." "I only swore at you and called you ____ because of what you said to me." "What about that fight we had 2 years ago where you said ----?"

I SO relate to these lines. How about I add one: "I only get so angry at you because I love you so much!"

And the bringing up things from the past, that we had already discussed and I had corrected the attempted gaslighting 4 times already? I actually said- No, that is NOT what happened. I've explained this to you, I called you at 11:30am that day, not the 5:00pm you keep saying on the day before. Why do you keep bringing this up over and over? And why do you keep changing the facts? I know FOR CERTAIN what time I called you and on what day.

Her: "How do you KNOW?" Angry, accusatory.

Me: I have a phone? And it has records of calls? So I looked?

She doesn't acknowledge what I said, doesn't apologize or acknowledge that she has been wrong for months on this and keeps repeating the gaslighting even after I corrected her...simply moves on to the next attack.

[jaded7]

I said to my therapist today that after 8 years of being told I was the problem, an abuser, being painted as this monster, I was brainwashed into believing it. What if I am and I don't know it? She used my abusive childhood against me all the time because she knew how I was so afraid and determined not to continue the cycle.

In the meantime, she started blaming me for everything, and I started believing it all.

How long did it take you to stop believing the story you were told about being the sole problem in the relationship? I know it's a process. I guess before today, I didn't realize how deep my belief ran. When someone says they know you better than anyone, it makes it easy to believe the lovebombing, but just as easy to believe the devaluing too.

Just to add...I too was abused as a child, and she used that against me too. During one extended period she was withholding sex- I mean, it stopped suddenly, she ignored texts to come over, she pretended I didn't ask her for us to be together physically- until one night I asked her kindly and lovingly after she said she was going home after we watched a movie (ignoring a commitment to spend the weekend at my place- she had harassed me for months calling me a child for not keeping a Google calendar, told me I had "ruined" the entire previous summer before by forgetting/missing events we had planned (simply not true), so to make her happy I made, with her, a calendar for the summer; this was a weekend at my place we'd both agreed upon as we sat together in a coffee shop a couple months before- she was a STICKLER for the calendar and lived by it)...

She exploded at me and told me that my feelings of hurt and confusion were due to my sexual abuse.

Two months later, still no physical relationship and I asked her again what's going on and EXPLOSION, in bed. She then admits that she was intentionally withholding sex for months because she "was reevaluating the relationship", while of course during that time asking me to do all kinds of things for her, listen to her complain about her ex-husband daily, keep her dog for 3 weeks while she travelled and buy it expensive food, pay for all lunches/dinners/coffees. And during her trip she forgot my birthday.

Later I pointed out to her that she yelled at me for 'forgetting' things the previous summer that we had 'planned' (not true), then she herself doesn't keep the commitments she made when I put the calendar together with her! She literally cancelled the first two things at the last second, then 'forgot'/'thought it was only for the day'/'didn't see it' for the weekend we'd planned at my place. This, from the person who yelled at me for forgetting and called me a child for not having a Google calendar. The person who lived by her Google calendar, hour to hour, day to day.

Several other times, when I asked her about her confusing behavior in other matters, she told me I was mentally ill and needed help.

Regarding the believing what she told you. I get it. See my previous comment about introjection. I am having a most difficult time getting those words out of my head, and not believing what she told me I was. Literally no one else in my life, ever, told me those things. In fact, just the opposite. But I choose to believe her for some reason.

[shopgirl26]

Update:

Well, the first deadline has flown by. My BPD ex had until July 19th to provide her financial information to the court (income, savings/debts, last 3 years of taxes.)
And...nothing.

Apparently she thinks she is above the law and these deadlines mean nothing. At least she's consistent? haha

The next deadline for her to submit any documentation/evidence to support her case is August 3rd. Expecting this deadline to fly by also.

To think I wasted months expecting a volatile to her being served. When it actually happened, I wouldn't be surprised if she stuffed the Notice to Appear in the back of a drawer.

What happens now? If August 3rd flies by unacknowledged, I guess my lawyers file a motion to compel?

Any chance her contempt for the court works in my favour? Hoping these kinds of reindeer games make the judge angry, since he/she will not want to waste any additional time on this as there are more important child custody cases to get to.

Anyone have experience with a BPD ex who ignored their Notice to Appear and all legal deadlines? Any advice?

[ForeverDad]

So what happens if she doesn't defend her case?
(1) Court declares you two divorced.  Relatively brief marriage officially 2 years, does palimony apply?  Are you okay with no support or financial split?
(2) Court orders you to take possession of your dog.  With that order in hand the local constabulary, which knows her latest residence, will cooperate with its return.