Feeling very guilty, would like some help understanding

[IntoTheWind]

When my ex came back, she wouldn't commit to me. She wanted to be single and go to therapy. She wouldn't ever explain why the two were mutually exclusive, simply that she needed to detach from me and go to therapy. Hearing that she wanted to detach from me hurt, and was very counter-intuitive to the way that I'd understand love, but I just let it slide, asked for explanation but never received it. She told me I should work on moving on when we split.

Anyway, we continued on in a strange relationship, when we were together, it was like we were a couple, hand holding, forehead kisses, reminiscing, not just fwb stuff, a lot more than that.

I explained to her that I loved her a lot and it's very difficult to remain in the loose relationship we were in and that it was very hard for me to know she wasn't actually mine. She reassured me that I'm the only guy she's interested in and looking for other guys isn't even on her radar -  that wasn't enough for me, I wanted some ground rules (she only acknowledged this once "what rules? we're single"). I wanted her to clarify that even though she's only interested in me at the moment, the time won't just come where one night she just ends up in someone elses bed after a night out and "poof" she's gone (my worst nightmare). I wanted her to give me the assurance that she'd be clear with if she decided she wanted to move onto other people. She wouldn't. I didn't like that and it left me feeling incredibly vulnerable and insecure - I don't actually understand why she couldn't give me this if it's true that it wasn't on her radar and that bothered me.

I invited her out on a date with me, but right before the date she panicked and ran away (I predicted that she would so I wasn't caught off guard by this).

I told her I'd opened a profile on a dating app, she told me it was hurtful that I'd do that, and I was very confused and frustrated by this, I asked her "on what planet is this me being hurtful?". She seemed to want me to be dangling there hoping she'd one day change her mind.

She came back of course, and one night I was quite tired of all of this after a day of her randomly ghosting me, and told her that I had a first date the next day. She told me she was 'crushed' and 'devastated' (I feel incredibly guilty because of this). We had a chat where she said "my main goal is just to go to therapy and figure myself out, look at the relationship from every angle and move forward from there, and your main goal is just to replace me", I told her my main goal wasn't to replace her, and that I only want her, but if she can't give me any sort of commitment, then she's going to have to accept that I'd be looking to find that elsewhere. She also said that she was just trying to let us have fun again, and simply to enjoy the pleasures of our relationship.  -- I don't understand why the sudden ability to communicate appeared from nowhere here?

On the day of the date, I was ghosted all day, I texted her twice, I would've cancelled if she responded. After the date, I told her life doesn't have to be that hard, and that I want to be able to have these fun times with her. She was only interested in the venue and got mad at me for taking her to a location that we'd had some special times at, 'our place', that it felt like a betrayal to her. She also said I was cruel to the "poor girl" for leading her on, and also that I'm trying to replace her again.

This resulted in an argument that lead to me being blocked on all platforms. I managed to get a couple of messages in on a couple of other platforms saying that I value our friendship more than she knows but she blocked me instantly each time.

I feel like a terrible person and very guilty for going on this date, but I felt like I was stuck. I'm wondering what other people's takes on this are? How might you have handled it?

[once removed]

its a tale as old as time, itw.

there arent really winners or losers, who was the good guy and who was the bad guy. you both were both.

the two of you werent done with the relationship, but you were on different pages. you each wanted each other, but on your own terms. you each pushed and pulled. you each tested each other.

but the two of you had already been through at least one major breakup. lots of relationships kind of linger around after that, but most, the vast majority, dont recover from it, certainly not to a point where they get on a "happily ever after" trajectory.

there are lots of things to learn from this that will serve you in future relationships. one was that you werent reading her (and in all fairness, she wasnt necessarily reading you). she was fragile. she liked you, she wanted you, but she needed you to be okay with the inconsistency, the testing, the space, the lingo. you werent, and thats valid. it was also valid that she felt blindsided by your announcing that you were dating, and that she felt betrayed that it was at a place she considered special. the two of you were acting more from a place of distrust and self preservation than operating on the same page. thats often par for the course after a major breakup.

i dont think the takeaway, however, is that there was any one thing that you or she did, that if changed, would have saved this relationship. it was more likely a confluence of events and things about the two of you that, in spite of your love for each other, didnt click or couldnt be resolved, that broke down the relationship, and broke down the attempt at reconciliation.

[Sappho11]

once removed condensed it excellently.

I concur. From a woman's point of view, I understand her being upset at you taking another date to one of your special places. But also, and perhaps more, from a scorched lover's point of view, I understand your frustration with her lack of commitment while expecting a full commitment from you, her vague statements about "wanting to work on her issues" and not wanting to be together, and your palpable, and justified dissatisfaction and hurt about the whole situation.

The last breakup with my ex was the same. He had been saying for months that he needed to "sort his life out", go to therapy, discover himself, etc. This was partially the reason for the first breakup, even though I had tried to support him in any way I could. I would have been more than happy to stick with him through it all. Then he told me he wasn't sure whether he could work through his issues and remain committed to our relationship. I responded that in this case, I'd probably start seeing other people, too; that I wasn't going to wait around for him to decide whether or not he wanted me. He broke up with me immediately.

He came back tearfully after two weeks, saying he couldn't sort his life out without me after all. So I took him back. Only for the inevitable to happen -- for him to change his mind again. When he wanted closeness, I gave him closeness. When he wanted space, I gave him space. He resented me for both.

The first breakup had been blamed on us "spending too much time together". The second one he blamed saying "Well, we're already spending very little time together now, and I still can't sort my life out, so it must be your fault".

I eventually understood that he was simply ill, very, very ill. There is no right way for you to act. PwBPD simply live in a different reality.

What hurts is that you're fully committed to them, while they're not committed to you.

Buddhism says the root of all misery is attachment. Life would be a lot easier if it was easy to let go of it. Alas, every single poster here knows this.

[tvda]

I respectfully disagree with OnceRemoved... Yes, everything he (or she) writes makes perfect sense. In a normal relationship. But given that you're on this BPD forum, there's a big chance this is not a normal relationship...

It sounds like she just wants to keep you available for her, but without a commitment from her side. Or in other words: "give yourself to me, while I won't give myself to you." That feel very familiar to me, given my experience with my BPD or NPD ex. I needed to be all hers, she wanted the freedom to have her own life without committing to me.

[grumpydonut]

My story matches this. Including the same words. Uncanny.