Am I enabling him by letting things go?

[JadedEmpath]

My BPD SO was on the longest "healthy" stretch he has ever been on--good emotional regulation, kind and considerate, quick to catch himself when he started splitting, pleasant to be around, good self awareness, lasting many weeks--but then about two weeks ago the irritability and red flags started. Now this week he has hit full blown awful again. He is being critical (telling me I how I should wash my hair every day, rather than every other day; telling me the BLTs I made for dinner were garbage because BLTs have Mayo, not cheese; telling me I need to work out and I am fat, etc.). One of the things that we have been through in the past is his cursing at me, and for the most part he has come a long way with that, but hes back to calling me a b**** frequently & totally uncalled for, just because he know how much that bothers me. Sunday night I wouldn't give him oral sex, and he told me he "wouldn't put up with that for long" and that he'd "find someone who does want him like that".

I'm at a weird place, trying to figure out how best to respond. Not wanting to just let everything go, because f*** that, but also thinking that a reaction is what he is trying for. I mostly just stayed away from him yesterday.

And finally, for several weeks now I have been waking up earlier than I usually would to make him breakfast before he goes to work. This morning I went ahead and did that again, I guess as a reminder that I love him and I care about him even when he's unhealthy. I went back to bed and he ate it, but then he threw the plate (very light weight plastic) and the fork at me in bed and said "Here's some dishes, f*** you" & slammed the door (left the light on) before leaving. It wasn't meant to physically hurt me, and it didnt, but the disrespect in the gesture hurt deep. Here I am, being the bigger person, waking up early to make you breakfast even though you have been awful to me, and thats what I get for it?

We have been together for ~9 years. I have generally found that low-reactivity (expressing how the behavior makes me feel in a calm manor, calmly/ firmly telling him that his behavior is "not okay", etc.) and unconditional positive regard and grace and forgiveness to be the most helpful strategies in supporting his mental health. This sort of behavior and these moods have become less and less frequent, he has become more self-aware, etc. But now when they do occur, I dont have the motivation and energy to work with him and help him through anymore. I feel tired. I just think "I deserve better than this" over and over. How do I respond? I mean this is just one of his acting out behaviors, I should probably not give him much response. I shouldnt take the disrespect to heart. But am I enabling him by letting things go?

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[formflier]

I do agree he was likely trying to get a reaction of some sort and going about it in a dysfunctional way.

Let's take something that should be easy...like a desire to control your hair washing.

Can you give specific details about what he said...how did you respond...how did he respond to that...etc etc.  How did this issue get left/resolved?


If you backed up a bit and looked at his life, what do you think changed recently to set him off?

Best,

FF

[JadedEmpath]

I got home from work, showered, and he decided he wanted to go to the park for our daughter to be able to use her scooter. I decided to come with. In the car he said "you should wash your hair more, when did you last wash your hair?".

(me) "I just did when I got home from work, maybe an hour ago?"
(him) "what about before that?"
(me) "um, Saturday, Yesterday".
(him) "oh, so you wash your hair every day?"
(me) "no, I try to wash it every other day, except Sat/Suns since I get back from my 3-day work stay on Sunday night"
(him) "oh, well you should wash it everyday"
(me) "actually I really like shampooing my hair, and its been hard to make myself skip days, but I have learned that shampooing too often strips the oils in your hair, and causes your scalp to produce extra oil, and is overall not great for your hair, so thats why I've been doing every other day for the last year or so"
(him) "That's not true, that's ridiculous, you need to wash your hair everyday. I find your hair everywhere around the house."
(me) "That (about washing too often) is true. I even had a friend who would try to shampoo her hair as little as possible during the summer times for this reason. Plus, remember you have been complaining about my hair around the house for many years, even when I did shampoo every day"
(him) "I don't care what your friend did, she's retarded. You need to start washing your hair every day."
(me) "Actually I didn't ask for your opinion, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell me what to do with my hair."

I specifically remember telling him I didnt ask for his opinion, and I cant totally remember what was said after that. I think I redirected, like I asked a question that I knew he would want to talk about.

There is a lot of change coming up in our lives. I am going back to school in the fall for my Masters degree. He is finishing up his certification in welding, and getting ready to look for his first career job. We are going to have to sell our house in about a year (long story). What specifically seems to have set him off-off was the refusal to give him oral sex later that night (went from unstable moods and lots of criticism--->to full blown splitting and illogical hatefulness).

[blackorchid]

Hi JadedEmpath,

How are things now?

[Voudou]

Oh, I hear you. I want you to know I am supporting you. How similar all of our feelings and stories are. I wish I had magic words to help all of this. Just know you are being heard and your feelings are valid, they are. While I have no real world tactics or advice for you, I just wanted to k ow that someone is listening because it is easy (at least for me) where U start to feel alone in all of this. Please keep sharing. Maybe we will all find strength in each other or at least have a safe place where we can get validated finally and truly be understood.

So let me cheer you I for getting your Masters degree! That is an accomplishment.