always worried if we say the wrong thing he will relieve his pain permanently

[Macbook]

our son has been living with BPD probably since a very young age, he is now 30. His BPD surfaced when his girlfriend left him 13 years ago. At the time, the doctors prescribed drugs for depression and said anger and depression go together. He self prescribed drugs and alcohol. He's been to treatment twice, both times were just bandaids for a short period of time. Finally after 13 years of hell for our whole family, he has been diagnosed with BPD. Our son is exactly how someone with BPD and NPD acts as per the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

For 13 years we have been getting the same phone calls and the same texts, raging about how life if isn't fair and that he is done and doesn't care anymore. It is slowly killing us, we can't take it anymore and have always worried that if we say the wrong thing to try to get him to stop, he will end his life. He has no one left in his life, no friends,  everyone has left him because they don't want to be around him. Any advice would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Macbook,

    Welcome to the BPD Family community.  I am glad you are among us, receiving comfort in this excruciating journey. Ours is a son, nearly 40. Like you, we've found the catastrophizing and harsh texts to have raked us over the coals - so painful to deal with. Now, knowing more about the illness (had since childhood, with much professional & parental support, as you have given) we hurt "for" him - not so much "by" him. Please keep us posted.

[krommenk]

I can relate to this.  We are so  drained by the constant rants about him being worthless and wanting to die.  He also "vomits" all of this on facebook, so I have family and friends calling me worried about him.  He has had 2 stints at a mental hospital with little improvement.  He lives with  us right now which makes it all up close and personal. 

We have recently set some boundaries that will hopefully bring us a little relief--it remains to be seen.  We keep close tabs on him, but at his age, if he decided to do something, we would have little power to prevent it.  The book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" talks about our first responsibility being to take care of ourselves.  We came back yesterday from a five-day getaway--get away from the stress and the heat wave here in Idaho.  We checked in with him once a day.  We also saw the flood of facebook posts complaining, anger-filled, despairing, etc. 

You might try setting some boundaries. For instance,  if when we are talking he starts complaining about how heartsick he is over a girl (he is currently stuck on this--she cut off communication over 3 months ago),  I tell him he has 10 minutes that I will listen to him talk about her.  Then we need to move on to another conversation. 

You could tell him that you will take one call a day from him and that you will reply to text at your convenience.  If he is having suicidal ideations, tell him to go to the ER (and be a broken record).  But if the call is going nowhere, tell him you need to hang up-and call 911 if you feel it necessary.
I hear the exhaustion in your words.  You have to take care of yourself first.

[Swimmy55]

I heartily agree with Krommek,

Boundaries that you can enforce would be the ticket here.  In addition I would like to add for you not to answer him right away if you see it is his phone number calling.  Don't respond to texts right away (  unless he is threatening suicide, homicide then call 911). 

In the meantime, you need to build you up too.  Self care.  Reading up on BPD  and joining here are good first steps.  Write here as much as you need to, you are not alone.

[Sancho]

You have been an incredible support for your son for many years. As Swimmy says there comes a time when the focus has to shift to supporting yourselves.

Thinking over your sentence 'we have always worried that if we say the wrong thing . . . . he will end his life'. I think when you tease this out, it is saying that you would feel totally responsible if something should happen such as a suicide attempt. I remember that feeling and the tension between trying to draw a boundary and not wanting to be the catalyst for an attempt. It felt like it was totally my responsibility to avoid this.

The turning point for me came when I was able to 'let go' of that responsibility.
Her pain and 'aloneness' break my heart and I was always looking for solutions.

But I started on the journey to 'let go' - it took a while I have to say. I repeated the mantra 'I can't do it for her', did the things the others here suggest - not answering straight away; affirming her pain, but not offering solutions.

We are still on the journey together, but it is a parallel journey. I am sure I have done all that I can do; I deal with the verbal abuse etc mainly by staying silent; I have realised that usually the intense emotions pass - so jumping in to solve is not the way.

I think the starting point will be to let go of the responsibility for the actions of your son. Try the mantra. Then perhaps just little steps, like the not answering straight away or 'I can hear you are in a lot of pain and it would be good to talk to someone who has the skills to help you'.

Of course you know all the details of your situation. Thanks for posting and I hope when you come to the 'family' here you can get the support to help you focus on your own needs.

The turning point