Breakup / NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After 3 weeks of NC my undiagnosed gf sent me a text thanking me for the past 14 months of supporting her (emotionally) and being her "rock". She didn't want to upset me but just wanted to thank me and tell me I'm an amazing man. The relationship fits the relationship cycle of the BPD including two hookups with her ex during this period, devaluation and of course recycle after the cheating. I accept my participation in this and am seeking to understand my co-dependence 
in this relationship.
Initially, I felt some validation of how I conducted my part of the relationship. As time passes I feel rejected again and feel like I lost ground in my recovery b/c I read it and responded.
Why did she send that text? Guilt ? Test? Torture? Kindness? Normal human breakup stuff?

Would love to hear your thoughts and advice going forward.

 

[Grass hoper]

After 3 weeks of NC my undiagnosed gf sent me a text thanking me for the past 14 months of supporting her (emotionally) and being her "rock". She didn't want to upset me but just wanted to thank me and tell me I'm an amazing man. The relationship fits the relationship cycle of the BPD including two hookups with her ex during this period, devaluation and of course recycle after the cheating. I accept my participation in this and am seeking to understand my co-dependence 
in this relationship.
Initially, I felt some validation of how I conducted my part of the relationship. As time passes I feel rejected again and feel like I lost ground in my recovery b/c I read it and responded.
Why did she send that text? Guilt ? Test? Torture? Kindness? Normal human breakup stuff?

Would love to hear your thoughts and advice going forward.

 

[grumpydonut]

Hey Grass Hopper,

Could be an impulsive moment on her part. Sounds like something that felt real to her in that moment and thus she texted. It could be that she missed you.

Did anything come after it?

[Grass hoper]

No, that was a couple of days ago. I’m guarding my self from reaching out.

[grumpydonut]

Sounds like you're doing a good thing. Do you think she will contact again?

[Grass hoper]

My guess is no. The tone was all looking back at the past. That’s why it confused me, why even send it.

[Cromwell]

Hi Grass Hoper.

Sounds like you've been through the mill.

When you responded what did you say to her and did she reply back?

[Grass hoper]

I did respond back with a thank you and appreciated the kind words. We had a brief back and forth of…..asked if I had a nice Father’s Day and that she thought of me and wanted to text me. I asked about her kids and she updated me. She ended it by thanking me for talking with her and good night. It still messes with my head three days later. I’m mad that she texted me. I’m mad she cheated on me and I forgave her. I’m mad that she says I’m amazing but still it’s not enough. I’m mad because I was making progress after three weeks nc and now back at square one.

[grumpydonut]

Sorry to hear about that, Grass Hoper. Mine also said the same things, making me wonder why I wasn't enough. It's hard.

You're allowed to be angry. Do you have any hobbies you can distract yourself with?

[Grass hoper]

Thank you . I do have hobbies and a great friend group it's just so tough emotionally at the moment.

[Cromwell]

Hi grass hoper.

The anger is part of a grieving process and you have awareness of why you are feeling this way>
 The cheating as a betrayal.
The ego wound of not being treated in a way you once were.
The anger at yourself from regret at forgiving her.

These past angers are getting worked on, they didn't just evaporate because she was out of contact for 3 weeks. The first couple of months are commonly the most difficult, the emotions were still raw and heightened at the same time a lot of questions which add a layer of rationalising to the workload.

life will improve for you, these moments of upset are as much a part of who you are as the sunnier emotions.

expect the anger to splutter out like a torch running out of fuel. as you work with it and permit yourself to feel the anger. It depends how much is there.

Good to hear hobbies and friends lighten the load. Be cautious of using alcohol as a crutch and increases in consumption. Asides from this give yourself a bit more time, 3 weeks just out of a relationship is difficult regardless of BPD, id say give yourself 6 months and at the same time avoid getting to fixated on a time pressure, emotions and thoughts don't tend to work to self imposed pressurised schedules!

Wishing you well for all fhe courage you've shown so far youll get there.

[grumpydonut]

I will add to Cromwell's great post. Don't be afraid to embrace that anger rather than storing it deep inside. Sit with it and process it and it'll start to dissipate!