Searching for help amongst chaos

[Grammavik]

My 38 yo daughter and her 3 yo son live with my husband (72) and me (74). I suspect she has BPD and has had it for many years but she hasn’t been diagnosed. She fits some characteristics of BPD such as vulgar name calling (me) and reacting to the smallest things as so egregious that her behavior  quickly escalates into rages and threats. For example she threatens not to let me see her son, my grandson, anymore. Whatever would be the most hurtful soul killing gut punch imaginable. These feel like violent emotional assaults and they seem cyclical often occurring once a month but getting worse as I withdraw more. I’m literally becoming a ghost at home when she’s around. Also her thinking is black and white. I used to be characterized by her as all good but now I am characterized as a malevolent intentioned sick mother and grandmother. There’s a history of suicidal ideation with her and a string of broken relationships that fit the BPD profile even though I’m just guessing.
I’m reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and am trying to implement recommended methods to take care of myself. For instance I’ve joined a gym, a local book discussion group and codependents anonymous in an effort towards self understanding and to distance and protect myself. I just bought a car so I can remove myself from the situation of being stuck in the house and providing many hours of childcare for my grandson.
One thing I’m trying to understand better is how do I remove myself (I try to walk away even though she will physically block my way out the door) and at the same time engage in empathetic listening? How do I withstand constant unpredictable onslaughts of raging without being terribly hurt and feeling hopeless?
If you’re wondering,  my husband is ill and only has energy to deal with his health. Otherwise he’s sympathetic with our daughter not me. Also our situation doesn’t currently allow for any of us to move out for various mostly financial reasons. We are truly stuck with each other which is one reason I’ve turned towards self help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi, welcome Grammavik, glad you found the group.

So sorry you're dealing with the chaos, rage, and vitriol. It sounds like you've done your homework, and whether or not she has an "official" diagnosis, you're dealing with some extreme, hurtful behaviors. Plus, there's an innocent child caught up in everything.

You're on the right track with self-care (exercise, social groups, getting AWAY from it all) and learning more about the disorder -- thumbs up to you. What a lot of the parents/grandparents on this board will say is: you have to take care of yourself first, as selfish as it sounds, if you want to truly be able to care for your child.

I hear you struggling with how to balance giving support and empathy to your daughter without getting caught (emotionally, and even physically) in her drama and chaos. Some members here have recommended learning to identify when their child is "too far gone" dysregulating, and to not even try to validate/empathize in those times. Save it for when it counts, and get yourself to safety. Don't worry about always "having to" stick around to support her -- if she's too dysregulated, and abusive to you, it does neither of you any favors to "try to help".

While I'm not a parent of a pwBPD (person with BPD), my husband's kids' mom has many traits. So, I can relate to dealing with the unpredictability, verbal/written abuse, unregulated emotions, etc.

I look forward to more members welcoming you, too.

kells76

[Sancho]

Your situation sounds just like mine - only it is just me, BPD dd and her child(11 years).

This morning we have just finished a round of yelling, swearing etc because DD went out last night and was woken up by the bird.

We have moved well past empathetic listening, though I do try to have an empathetic attitude. I think this works better. So I don't judge anything and try to move quickly past these outbursts. The 11 year old does really well steering her pathway through this.

It is fantastic that you have joined the gym etc. This is how I see things: parallel lives under same roof. DD came home about 12 months ago now and I think - compared to then - things have improved quite a bit. And the main reason I think is this parallel lives and making sure my mind is on other things.

I think BPD fold pick up on when you are locked into thinking about them - but that is just my thoughts.

Anyway keep doing what you are doing. Not sure how much interaction you have and who initiates it, but that might be something to look at. I only initiate when I have no other option. So that's about once a month now!

Keep in touch and well done on how you are handling it.

[Bluejay12]

Hi Grammavic and welcome,
Our situation is very similar to yours with a 37 yo daughter.  She and her narcissist husband live about 6 minutes from us.  They do put us through cycles of withholding our grandchildren from us.  It has certainly gotten worse over time and the 4 yo, who loved being with us, has been taken away again.  And not just us, all other family too